Lame Jokes Part 2

[Bomber32]

There were these two cows standing in the field.

One cow says to the other, "Boy, that mad cow disease has got me worried."

The other cow says, "I'm not worried, I'm a penguin."

 

[DREAM TEAM BUFF]

All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner.

 

[Bomber32]

This couple is reading the Sunday paper.

The wife says, "This article on overpopulation of the world says that somewhere in the world there is a woman having a baby every four seconds!"

Her husband, not to appear uninterested, says, "I think they ought to find that woman and stop her."

 

[DREAM TEAM BUFF]

Johnny was a chemist's son,
But Johnny is no more.
What Johnny thought was H20
was H2SO4.

 

[DREAM TEAM BUFF]

You can lead a man to knowledge, but you can't make him think.

 

[DREAM TEAM BUFF]

If you jump off the Eiffel tower in Paris, you'd be in seine

 

[Bomber32]

"How did school go today?" a mother asked her little boy.

"Fine", the little fellow replied. "We had a new teacher and she wanted to know if I had any brothers and I told her I was an only child."

"What did she say?" his mother asked.

"The teacher said, 'Thank goodness!'"

 

[DREAM TEAM BUFF]

I was out collecting money for a sponsored walk last week... I collected so much that I got a taxi instead.

 

[DREAM TEAM BUFF]

Maths problems, the only place where someone can buy 60 watermelons and no one wonders why!

 

[Bomber32]

Two chickens were chatting around the coop.

"That big rooster next door made a pass at me!" one exclaimed.

"Really? Did you provoke him?"

"Well, I egged him on a little."

 

[Bomber32]

In honor of International Hoof Care Week, I would like to bring to light a new farrier/artist name Ed Smith. He developed the art of carving intricate patterns in the tops of horse hooves. He is much talked about in cowboy circles.

Around many a campfire you hear exclamations about Hoof Art Ed!

 

[Bomber32]

A woman at a gas station noticed a spaceship land in front of her. An alien stepped out of the spaceship and started to pump gas into it.

The woman noticed the letters ''U.F.O.'' printed on the side of the ship. She turned to the alien and asked ''Does U.F.O. stand for Unidentified Flying Object?''

The alien answered, ''No, it stands for Unleaded Fuel Only!''

 

[Bomber32]

Jim asked his friend, Tony, whether he had bought his wife anything for Valentine's Day.

"Yes," came the answer from Tony who was a bit of a chauvinist, "I bought her a belt and a bag."

"That was very kind of you," Jim added, "I hope she appreciated the thought."

Tony smiled as he replied, "So do I, and hopefully the vacuum cleaner will work better now."

 

[Bomber32]

Joey took two stuffed dogs to the Antiques Roadshow.

"Ooh!" said the presenter, "This is a very rare set, produced by the celebrated Johns Brothers taxidermists who operated in London at the turn of last century. Do you have any idea what they would fetch if they were in good condition?"

"Yes," says Joey. "Sticks".

 

[Bomber32]

The irate customer called the newspaper office and loudly demanded to know where her Sunday edition was.

"Ma'am," said the employee, "today is Saturday. The Sunday paper is not delivered until Sunday."

There was quite a pause on the other end of the phone, followed by a ray of recognition.

"I'll bet that's why no one was in church today too."

 

[DREAM TEAM BUFF]

"Ladies and gents."

And that concludes the tour of the toilets.

 

[DREAM TEAM BUFF]

Two Irishmen were floating miles from anywhere, dying of thirst in an open lifeboat when one of them finds an old lamp floating by. He fishes it out, rubs it dry and a genie appears who offers him a wish.
"I wish the sea was Guinness" he suggests. Immediately it turns black and frothy.
"You fecking eejit!" shouts the other. "Now we'll have to pea in the boat!"

 

[DREAM TEAM BUFF]

What time is it now?
Now.

 

[DREAM TEAM BUFF]

According to North Korean news channels, Kim Jong Il has entered a sleeping competition.

 

[DREAM TEAM BUFF]

& the winner is .... Tony Abbott

 

[Gringo Star]

"Knock knock!"
"Who's there?"
"Daisy".
"Daisy who?"
"Daisy me rollin'..... they hatinnn".

Yeah I used a 'knock knock' joke. What of it!

 

[worbod]

 

[DREAM TEAM BUFF]

Why did the chicken cross the road?

To get to your house...

Nock Nock?

(Who's there?)

The chicken!

 

[DREAM TEAM BUFF]

Two tomatoes were walking together, when one started to lag behind. The other one squashed it and said "ketchup

 

[DREAM TEAM BUFF]

An accusative walked into a bar.
"Shouldn't you be with the ablative?" says the barman