Lame Jokes Part 2

[Andrewy]

I had a very nice date last night.

It was perfect. Tomorrow, I’ll have a grape.

 

[Andrewy]

What's the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the ordinary alphabet?

The Christmas alphabet has Noel.

 

[philreich]

I spoke yesterday to a bloke who asked his parents what they did before the advent of the internet. They said they didn't know, and neither did any of his 26 brothers and sisters.

 

[philreich]

I found a book called How to Solve 50% of Your Problems.

So I bought 2.

Is that related somehow to someone getting scared half to death twice?

 

[Andrewy]

What’s the most popular Christmas wine?

‘But I don’t like Brussels sprouts!’

 

[Andrewy]

I have this weird talent where I can tell what’s inside a wrapped present.

It’s a gift

 

[philreich]

There are 2 types of people in the world - those who can extrapolate from incomplete data, and

 

[Wallaby]

I thought there are 10 types of people in this world - those who understand Binary notation and those who don't.

 

[Andrewy]

Do you know what seems odd to me?


Numbers that aren’t divisible by two.

 

[philreich]

I thought there are 10 types of people in this world - those who understand Binary notation and those who don't.

At one point I thought there were 4 types - those who can count, those with poor memories, and those who can count.

 

[Wallaby]

There are two types of people in this world - those who think Alan Jones is a twat, and Alan Jones.

 

[Andrewy]

Everyone knows Murphy’s Law, where “anything that can go wrong will go wrong.”

But do you know Cole’s Law? It’s thinly sliced cabbage.

 

[Andrewy]

I asked my wife what she wanted for Christmas.

She told me that nothing would make her happier than a diamond necklace.

So I bought her nothing.

 

[Andrewy]

The jumper I got for Christmas kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and exchanged it for another one.

Free of charge!

 

[Billy ray]

My girlfriend borrowed $100 from me.
Three years later when we broke up she gave me exactly $100 back.

I lost interest in that relationship.

 

[Andrewy]

My friend just won the Tallest Christmas Tree competition.


I thought to myself, “How can you top that?”

 

[GoEaglesGoSGIO]

I was house sitting for my friend when he called me after 2 weeks of being away to check up on everything

“First thing, how is my cat?”
“Oh your cat died, i came home one day and it was dead”
“Far out mate that’s shocking, you could atleast lead me onto that news. Like day one, the cat was playing on the roof, day 2 the cat fell off the roof and day 3 the cat died”
“Okay duly noted”
“Okay moving on, how is my nanna”
“Nanna, oh your Nanna is playing on the roof”

 

[Andrewy]

What did Luke Skywalker say after he planted a Christmas tree farm?

May the forest be with you!

 

[Wallaby]

Darth Vader: "Luke, I know what you're getting for Christmas".
Luke: "How"?
Darth: "I felt your presents".
Luke: "That is a really terrible Dad joke"!
Darth: "Funny you should mention that............................................"

 

[Andrewy]

Who's Bigger? Mrs Bigger, Mr Bigger or their baby son ?


Their baby son because he's a little Bigger.

 

[RedmanWasHere]

I've tried putting everything on my pizza but I don't have mushroom left.

 

[philreich]

What's the difference between politicians and flying pigs?

The letter F.

 

[Andrewy]

What do you call a medieval lamp?

A knight light.

 

[Andrewy]

My friend is an expert reading maps.

He’s a legend.

 

[Wallaby]

My wife was stung by a wasp, and now she's in the ED with her face all swollen and bruised.

Luckily I was close enough to hit the wasp with my shovel before it could sting her again.