One from the Peanut Gallery

[66MunsterT]

Why it's great to be a bloke

Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be president.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just
too
icky.
Same work... more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding Dress $5000; Tux rental $100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood, ALL the damn time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
Dry cleaners and hair stylists don't rob you blind.
You can kill your own food.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be
your
friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.
You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You don't have to clean your apartment if the maid is coming.
You can quietly watch a game with a buddy for hours without thinking:
"He
must be mad at me".
You don't mooch off other's desserts.
You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.
You are not expected to know the names of more than five colours.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You don't have to shave below your neck.
Your belly usually hides your big hips.
One wallet and one pair of shoes, one colour, all seasons.
You can do your nails with a pocketknife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives, on December 24th, in 45
minutes.


Cheers,

66 Munster Peanut

 

[goal_umpire]

lol

 

[Bee]

I can do better than that!

I'm Glad I'm A Woman

I'm glad I'm a woman, yes I am, yes I am
I don't live off beer, pizza and Spam.
I don't brag to my mates about my erections
I won't drive to Hell before I ask for directions.

I don't get wasted at parties and act like a clown
and I know how to put the bloody toilet seat down!
I won't grab your ****, I won't pinch your butt
my belt buckle's not hidden beneath my beer gut.

And I don't go around "readjusting" my crotch
or yell like Tarzan when my head-board gets a notch.
I don't belch in public, I don't scratch my behind
I'm a woman you see -- I'm just not that kind!

I'm glad I'm a woman, I'm so glad I could sing
I don't have body hair like shag carpeting
It doesn't grow from my ears or cover my back
When I lean over you can't see 3 inches of crack.

And what's on my head doesn't leave with my comb
I'll never buy a toupee to cover my dome
Or have a few hairs pulled from over the side
I'm a woman, you know -- I've got far too much pride!

And I honestly think its a privilege for me
to have these two boobs and squat when I pee
I don't live to play golf and shoot basketball
I don't swagger and spit like a Neanderthal

I won't tell you my wife just does not understand
stick my hand in my pocket to hide that gold band
or tell you a story to make you sigh and weep
then shag you, roll over and fall sound asleep!

Yes, I'm glad I'm a woman, a woman you see
you can forget all about that old penis envy.
I don't long for male bonding, I don't cruise for chicks
join the Hair Club For Men, or think with my di(k.

I'm a woman by chance and I'm thankful it's true
I'm so glad I'm a woman and not a man like you.

 

[Damp Squarie]

I can relate to that.

Did it mention "that everybody knows when we've bin fishin'"

 

[66MunsterT]

Originally posted by Bee
I can do better than that!

I'm Glad I'm A Woman

I'm glad I'm a woman, yes I am, yes I am
I don't live off beer, pizza and Spam.
I don't brag to my mates about my erections
I won't drive to Hell before I ask for directions.

I don't get wasted at parties and act like a clown
and I know how to put the bloody toilet seat down!
I won't grab your ****, I won't pinch your butt
my belt buckle's not hidden beneath my beer gut.

And I don't go around "readjusting" my crotch
or yell like Tarzan when my head-board gets a notch.
I don't belch in public, I don't scratch my behind
I'm a woman you see -- I'm just not that kind!

I'm glad I'm a woman, I'm so glad I could sing
I don't have body hair like shag carpeting
It doesn't grow from my ears or cover my back
When I lean over you can't see 3 inches of crack.

And what's on my head doesn't leave with my comb
I'll never buy a toupee to cover my dome
Or have a few hairs pulled from over the side
I'm a woman, you know -- I've got far too much pride!

And I honestly think its a privilege for me
to have these two boobs and squat when I pee
I don't live to play golf and shoot basketball
I don't swagger and spit like a Neanderthal

I won't tell you my wife just does not understand
stick my hand in my pocket to hide that gold band
or tell you a story to make you sigh and weep
then shag you, roll over and fall sound asleep!

Yes, I'm glad I'm a woman, a woman you see
you can forget all about that old penis envy.
I don't long for male bonding, I don't cruise for chicks
join the Hair Club For Men, or think with my di(k.

I'm a woman by chance and I'm thankful it's true
I'm so glad I'm a woman and not a man like you.

Gee, I Think we are both Peanuts.

Cheers,

The Munster.

 

[Damp Squarie]

Thats pretty good Bee!

What a great comeback; nearly as good as Adelaide versus Footscray...

The one thing I envy about a woman is their ability to ..........no dont go there Gary

 

[Fred]

Originally posted by topjars
Thats pretty good Bee!

What a great comeback; nearly as good as Adelaide versus Footscray...

The one thing I envy about a woman is their ability to ..........no dont go there Gary

Well left.......and I agree.

 

[goal_umpire]

Originally posted by Bee
I can do better than that!

I'm Glad I'm A Woman

I'm glad I'm a woman, yes I am, yes I am
I don't live off beer, pizza and Spam.
I don't brag to my mates about my erections
I won't drive to Hell before I ask for directions.

I don't get wasted at parties and act like a clown
and I know how to put the bloody toilet seat down!
I won't grab your ****, I won't pinch your butt
my belt buckle's not hidden beneath my beer gut.

And I don't go around "readjusting" my crotch
or yell like Tarzan when my head-board gets a notch.
I don't belch in public, I don't scratch my behind
I'm a woman you see -- I'm just not that kind!

I'm glad I'm a woman, I'm so glad I could sing
I don't have body hair like shag carpeting
It doesn't grow from my ears or cover my back
When I lean over you can't see 3 inches of crack.

And what's on my head doesn't leave with my comb
I'll never buy a toupee to cover my dome
Or have a few hairs pulled from over the side
I'm a woman, you know -- I've got far too much pride!

And I honestly think its a privilege for me
to have these two boobs and squat when I pee
I don't live to play golf and shoot basketball
I don't swagger and spit like a Neanderthal

I won't tell you my wife just does not understand
stick my hand in my pocket to hide that gold band
or tell you a story to make you sigh and weep
then shag you, roll over and fall sound asleep!

Yes, I'm glad I'm a woman, a woman you see
you can forget all about that old penis envy.
I don't long for male bonding, I don't cruise for chicks
join the Hair Club For Men, or think with my di(k.

I'm a woman by chance and I'm thankful it's true
I'm so glad I'm a woman and not a man like you.

Love it!!!!

 

[mellowyellow]

Just a few more reasons it pays to be a women

1. Don't have to help strangers change tires on cold night.
2. Can purchase "Baby Animals" video without shame.
3. Makeup covers blackheads.
4. Can make men check out spooky noise in middle of night.
5. Do not get into bar fights over "What are YOU looking at?"
6. Able to go berserk and blame it on hormones.
7. Okay to talk trash about date in the ladies room.
8. When drunk will always have a ride home.
9. Permissible to order men out of lifeboat in event of shipwreck.
10. Panties dry faster than boxer shorts.

 

[mellowyellow]

A few more good reasons why it's good to be a man

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
Movie nudity is virtually always female.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five day vacation requires only one suitcase.
Friday Night Football.
You don't have to monitor your friends sex lives.
Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter.
You can open all your own jars.
Old friends don't give you crap if you've lost or gained weight.
Dry cleaners and hair cutter's don't rob you blind.
When clicking through the channel, you don't have to stall on every shot of someone crying.
Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.
All your orgasms are real.
A beer gut does not make you invisible to the opposite sex.
Guys in hockey masks don't attack you.
You don't have to lug a bag of useful stuff around everywhere
you go.


You can go to the bathroom without a support group.
Your last name stays put.
You can leave a hotel bed unmade.
When your work is criticized, you don't have to panic that everyone secretly hates you.
You can kill your own food.
The garage is all yours.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
You see the humor in Terms of Endearment.
Nobody secretly wonders if you swallow.
You never have to clean the toilet.
You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes.
Sex means never worrying about your reputation.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $10 for a three pack.
The National College Cheer Leading Championship
None of your coworkers have the power to make you cry.
You don't have to shave below your neck.
You don't have to curl up next to a hairy ass every night..
If you're 34 and single nobody notices.
You can write your name in the snow.
You can get into a non-trivial ****ing contest.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be president.
You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat.
Flowers fix everything.
You never have to worry about other people's feelings.
You get to think about sex 90% of your waking hours.
You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You can eat a banana in a hardware store.
You can say anything and not worry about what people think.
Foreplay is optional.
Michael Bolton doesn't live in your universe.
Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk into the room.
You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.
You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is coming by.
You never feel compelled to stop a pal from getting laid.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut.
You can watch a game in silence with your buddy for hours without even thinking "He must be mad at me"
The world is your urinal.
You never misconstrue innocuous statements to mean your lover is about to leave you.
You get to jump up and slap stuff.
Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
One mood, all the time.
You can admire Clint Eastwood without starving yourself to look like him.
You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too skeevy.
You know at least 20 ways to open a beer bottle.
You can sit with your knees apart no matter what you are wearing.
Same work, more pay.
Gray hair and wrinkles add character.
You don't have to leave the room to make an emergency crotch adjustment.
Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100.
You don't care if someone is talking about you behind your back.
With 400 million sperm per shot, you could double the earth's population in 15 tries, at least in theory.
You don't mooch off others' desserts.
If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
The remote is yours and yours alone.
People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.
ESPN's sports center.
You can drop by to see a friend without bringing a little gift.
Bachelor parties whomp ass over bridal showers.
You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother.
You can buy condoms without the shopkeeper imagining you naked.
You needn't pretend you're "freshening up" to go to the bathroom.
If you don't call your buddy when you say you will, he won't tell your friends you've changed.
Someday you'll be a dirty old man.
You can rationalize any behavior with the handy phrase "**** it!"
If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you might become lifelong buddies.
Princess Diana's death was just another obituary
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
You never have to miss a sexual opportunity because you're not in the mood.
You think the idea of punting a small cat is funny.
If something mechanical didn't work, you can bash it with a hammer and throw it across the room.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
pr0n movies are designed with your mind in mind.
You don't have to remember everyone's birthdays and anniversaries.
Not liking a person does not preclude having great sex with them.
Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "notice anything different?"
Baywatch
There is always a game on somewhere.

 

[PeteLX]

Right, I'll settle this....

 

[Pete]

My Dad ate peanuts.

Before he died.

 

[X_box_X]

Originally posted by Pete
My Dad ate peanuts.

Before he died.

Did he die from lack of Sperm?
He must've been a rather poor man, not being able to afford peanuts so he decided to eat his own!

 

[Pete]

Originally posted by X_box_X


Did he die from lack of Sperm?
He must've been a rather poor man, not being able to afford peanuts so he decided to eat his own!

Don't you ever....EVER disrespect my Dad. He's twice the man you'll ever be. He raised me into the type of person who can con his way to $250,000. If he was alive today, he'd show you what a great man he is. I love him, and I love my Mum too.

By the way did I tell you they're not with us anymore?

He, who is peanut not haveth respect.