VelvetSledge
Moderator
- May 24, 2007
- 17,493
- 35,307
- AFL Club
- Essendon
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- Liverpool FC, Melbourne Storm
- Moderator
- #1
19 degrees, 30% chance of rain. 0-0.4mm if it does rain. Light winds becoming southerly, though there is the small factor of the roof. Rendering Jane Bunn useless, unless you like looking at this picture, again. You pervert.
SportsBet:
ESSENDON BOMBERS: $1.94
MELBOURNE DEMONS: $1.90
CrownBet:
ESSENDON BOMBERS: $2.00
MELBOURNE DEMONS: $1.83
UBET:
ESSENDON BOMBERS: $2.00
MELBOURNE DEMONS: $1.82
Odds on Clayton Oliver to make us all hate gingers even more than we already do?
Even LN and myself?
High.
ESSENDON BOMBERS
An utter disgrace on the biggest stage.
One of the laziest, most despondent, disgusting, pitiful efforts (or lack thereof), on the biggest match of the year.
A match where very very few players could hold their heads high.
Delivery into the forward line was disgraceful, and the efforts up forward were equally as bad.
Heppell's disposal was pure filth, and he couldn't hit the side of a barn door - though the same could be said for a majority of his teammates.
BJ Goddard was once again in the media for actually showing some emotion and caring about what the result would be. Sigh.
Joey... Yeah.
The day was crueled further by a season ending ACL rupture to young forward Josh Begley, and a hamstring tear to Josh Green.
COLLINGWOOD MAGPIES 14.17 101 def. ESSENDON BOMBERS 7.10 52
BEST: Hurley, Z. Merrett, Zaharakis, The drunk girl next to me screaming "YOU'RE ****IN s**t" at every Collingwood player even though they were dominating
GOALS: Stringer 2, Daniher, Stewart, Heppell, McDonald-Tipungwuti, Hooker
INJURIES: Begley (Knee), Green (Hamstring)
REPORTS: Nil
--------
MELBOURNE DEMONS
They fought hard for as long as they could, but the Tigers are still hungry. The Demons were belted off the park.
46 points later, and the Demons were left in the same situation as us; at the crossroads.
Talent across the park, expectation sky high, just not able to put it down as four points. We're both trying hard and we aren't getting the reward for it.
The Tigers smashed the Demons off the park in the final quarter, turning a 19 point lead into a 46 point drubbing.
Jake Melksham booted 4 goals, his highest goal tally so far in his career. Jake Melksham dominated Alex Rance. Repeat that in your head and think about it again. And people say Hurley isn't as good. Heh.
Michael Hibberd looked to have broken his nose twice in the one game, and his huge stack onto the turf, face first, would have made a stellar freeze frame.
The Demons looked a damn sight better than they did the previous week, but just not for long enough.
They will be taking a lot of confidence into this week, knowing that we are their bunnies. They always beat us, no matter what position on the ladder. It's bollocks.
MELBOURNE DEMONS 8.8 56 def. by RICHMOND TIGERS 15.12 102
BEST: Oliver, Hogan, Melksham, Jones, Hibberd, Gawn
GOALS: Melksham 4, Hogan 2, Garlett, Harmes
INJURIES: Kent (Hamstring), Hibberd (Snout)
REPORTS: Bernie Vince for striking Brandon Ellis
ESSENDON EMERGENCIES
Jordan Ridley, Kyle Langford, Dylan Clarke (JUST PLAY HIM ALREADY ****), Shaun McKernan
MELBOURNE EMERGENCIES
Jeff Garlett, Tim Smith, Josh Wagner, Joel Smith
--------------------------
ESSENDON INS: Matthew Leuenberger, Ben McNiece, Patrick Ambrose, Jayden Laverde, Kobe Mutch
ESSENDON OUTS: Michael Hartley (Omitted), Josh Begley (ACL), Josh Green (Hamstring), Tom Bellchambers, David Myers (About time)
MELBOURNE INS: Jordan Lewis, Tom McDonald, Bayley Fritsch, Mitch Hannan, Charlie Spargo
MELBOURNE OUTS: Jeff Garlett, Josh Wagner, Billy Stretch (All Omit), Dean Kent (Injured), Christian Petracca (It was he who, in fact, let the dogs out)
DEBUTS:
ESSENDON
KOBE MUTCH
#19
187cm, 83kg
Midfielder
Pick #42, 2016 National Draft (North Broken Hill, Bendigo U18)
----------------
MELBOURNE
CHARLIE SPARGO
#9
173cm, 71kg
Pick #29, 2017 National Draft (Murray U18)
-----------------------------
MILESTONES:
ESSENDON
#43 - ANTHONY McDONALD-TIPUNGWUTI
50 GAMES
MELBOURNE
#4 - JAMES HARMES
50 GAMES
Obviously with the two teams only having played their Round 5 games a few days ago, there was always going to be a plethora of changes; though perhaps a few more due to injury than we would have liked. With the devastating injury to Josh Begley, Woosha will have to get creative with his forward set up; and naming Mark Baguley in the forward pocket is a decent start. The thing with Bags, however; his form this year has been, for lack of a better word, atrocious. Moving past that, however, and we look at the Essendon team this week.
Josh Green, aka the three time Brownlow Medalist and world record holder for having skin the closest colour possible to milk, has been sidelined with a hamstring strain that will see him out of the seniors this week. Adding to that was the aforementioned season ending ACL rupture to Josh Begley. For some reason Michael Hartley has once again found himself on the outer, dropped to the VFL when he was nowhere near the worst player on the ground last week. David Myers has seriously struggled for form since returning to the AFL side, and Tom Bellchambers is due for a rest after almost being the sole ruckman for our first five weeks of footy. Coming into the side is another experienced ruckman in Matt Leuenberger, who is making his first appearance for the club in 2018. Joining him is the returning Hulk, Patty Ambrose, who is also appearing for the first time in 2018 after recovering from wrist surgery. The youngster with fantastic hair, Ben McNiece, is thrown back into the throng this week as well, making his first appearance for the club since this corresponding fixture last year. The great white, swollen deltoid, pecs of a god, blonde haired, blue eyed son of a gun, Jayden Laverde, has been named IN THE CENTRE. Lav has been playing through the middle of the field in the VFL, and while he doesn't look natural in there, anything to get him up and running would be excellent. Moving past the guys we've seen before, and we have a debutant. Finally, FINALLY, we get to see our 46th pick from the 2016 draft, Kobe Mutch. We have been calling for it for a year or more now; and while it's strange to see him debut ahead of Dylan Clarke, it's good to see the kids getting a go finally.
The Demons have also made five changes, with speedster Jeffy Garlett, Josh Wagner, and Billy Stretch all being omitted from the side after less than impressive showings over the past weeks. Dean Kent has pinged a hamstring and won't be available to play for the next few weeks, while Christian Petracca pulled a De Goey and is recovering from an... Infected dog bite on his hand. It's yet to be determined as to whether it was actually a dog or Tory Dickson after McKenna rabies were transmitted. Coming into the Demons side is veteran Jordan Lewis, plus the experienced Tom McDonald. Mitch Hannan returns (which is annoying as he'll probably kick 4 on us again), as does young gun Bayley Fritsch. The Demons also have a debutant this week, with youngster Charlie Spargo making his AFL debut in a depleted Demons side.
ESSENDON BOMBERS - #21 - DYSON HEPPELL
Please, for the love of god Dyson, please. Please tell us you've worked on your disposal. Hep had so much of the pill last week that it was annoying to see him miss almost all of his kicks to team mates. He is so close to being an elite player, and he's a fantastic leader, but the disposal this year has been shocking. He needs to be able to take it upon himself to change the game plan on field if it isn't working, which it isn't. The game plan at this point seems to be "handball at all costs", regardless of the pressure on the player who's supposed to be getting it. Yes, if we play that high octane, quality footy that we all know we can play, then it's great. We look awesome. But clubs have figured us out. As a leader, Hep needs to be able to say to the lads, onfield, that we need to step up, and run harder. Make more space. The game we play only works if all players are giving 100%. It shouldn't be up to players like BJ to demand that. The captain needs to make it happen, and needs to make it happen every week.
ESSENDON BOMBERS - #19 - KOBE MUTCH
A lifelong Bomber supporter, the unassuming kid from the GWS Academy was picked up by the Bombers at Pick 46 in the 2016 draft. Kobe, while unable to break into the first team last year, was fantastic in the VFL, and finished second in the club's best and fairest. He suffered an unfortunate injury in the pre-season this year, but now, at full fitness, it's time for the long haired kid from the Bendigo Pioneers to get his chance. In his draft year, he averaged 25 disposals through the midfield and half-forward flanks, and his skill on both sides of his body sees him as a prime candidate as an inside midfielder who is able to get on the outside too. His fitness is one of his key traits, and alongside Dylan Clarke, he could be making a serious push for the future Essendon midfield.
MELBOURNE DEMONS - #11 - MAX GAWN
Can you name the ruck who's six foot eight,
100kg, beat up Matthew Bate,
Maxy Gaaawwwwwwwnnn!
Maxy Gaaawwwwwwwnnn.
Well he runs real slow with the hammer down,
But he rucks like a beast, making Leuenberger frown,
Maxy Gaaawwwwwwwwnnnn!
Maxy Gaaawwwwwwwnnn.
Well he jumps real high, with a beard on his chin,
Bashing all the nerds with a real wide grin,
Maxy Gaaawwwwwwwnnn!
Maxy Gaaawwwwwwwnnn.
Maxy Gaaawwwwwwwnnn.
YeeHAW!
MELBOURNE DEMONS - #14 - MICHAEL HIBBERD
... I miss Pig. He's so good.
Like, his nose doesn't work anymore, but he's so good.
Pls be gentle on us off half back.
Last Week - 28/4/18
Last week was quite literally the worst game of football I've had to sit through in my 20+ years of supporting this club. I've been to almost every match in Melbourne for the past eight years, and even some interstate. That match, right from the get go, was a ******* train wreck.
That was like going on a bucks night and passing out at 8pm. All of the good stuff happened to everyone else, and all you got was a dick drawn on your face while you pissed your pants. Absolute bullshit.
Disposal? Trash. Do we need a disposal coach? Someone who can teach us how to handball to a player who ISN'T ABOUT TO BE ******* DECKED?! How about kicking to a player WHO DOESN'T HAVE THREE OPPOSITION PLAYERS AROUND THEM? Or maybe, just maybe an idea I'll forward through to Woosha - When passing to a team mate by foot, have a look to see if there is an opponent in the path of the ball. Because, if there is, or if there's one near enough to the path of said pill, then THEY WILL MARK IT. AND KICK TO A RUNNING TEAM MATE. AND GET IT INSIDE 50. AND MAKE MASON ******* COX LOOK LIKE A COMPETENT FOOTBALLER. Do you have any idea what it's like to spend your Wednesday afternoon sitting behind a balding 50-something year old with missing teeth, consistently screaming "COX! BIG COX!" for hours? It's not great. It's bad. It's about as bad as Ross Lyon's dating profile. If you look at the repeat efforts through last weeks game, you'll see that a majority of them came from players like Matt Guelfi. A SECOND GAMER, with repeat efforts. We have seasoned, 100+ game players who just didn't give a stuff. On ANZAC Day of all days. A game in which, more than EVER, it's expected that you try HARDER. Garbage.
And to add to the disgrace of last week, we've now copped a season-long ACL injury to Begley, one of the few that tries hard. So now we'll add in a few young guns who are wanting, desperately, to get into the seniors on a consistent basis. Laverde for example. He hasn't been able to get a solid run at it, whether it be through injury or form. McNiece has had a shitter of a time with his back injury, but in the time he's been away from the game, he's got himself a mad slick haircut so... Y'know.
I've forgotten what I was talking about now, all I know is that if we don't play good this week I get mad.
Madder.
****.
-VS
Another wonderful rant from the fingertips of jmoo wan . Thanks again mate!
Well... That last ANZAC day game was fairly ******* ****** now wasn’t it? Pretty much everyone played like s**t, but like the Essendon match committee I will be reasonable and considered in my review, and blame Kyle Langford. Screw that guy. Put him in the VFL for a spell, I say. I cant recall one quality possession he had all day.
Whilst the game itself was a third trimester abortion, I was fortunate enough to make my way into the Bomber’s room before the game and managed to sneak a peek at the team whiteboard showing the game plan for the day. I immediately recognised Woosha’s handwriting from the statutory declaration I got him to sign back in his pharmacy days. Here’s what it said:
• Defending is for defenders only (the clue is in the name, guys).
• Running leads to fatigue - save your energy! - it is much more efficient to have the kick come to you, rather than you having to run to it.
• a moving target is harder to kick to. So plant your feet. But remember to furiously wave those hands so a teammate can see you in the crowd. Jump up and down for extra effect.
• the forward 50 is hot lava- avoid being there whenever possible
• Forwards – have you ever noticed that a car is pretty valuable - try for mark of the year. You can’t drive a regulation chest mark on the lead to the shops for a souvlaki and minimum chips.
• 2nd efforts are for losers
• as long as you hand pass to someone in a slightly better position, your job is done- doesn’t matter how much pressure they are under, once you’ve gotten rid of the pill, it is no longer your problem.
• Footballing is hard work, so when you do pass the ball off, make sure you take the time to relax and take it easy - have a rest, you deserve it.
• Kyle Langford is a big sissy girl who drinks Tooheys Blue cans.
That last point was underlined twice. In red.
Now, clearly they stuck to the game plan all day. I’m not sure why Goddard was having conniptions all afternoon.
Hird Almighty, that game was s**t. Shitter than the shittiest s**t post by the shittiest s**t poster on the shittiest preview thread this whole shitty week.
I did a lot of soul searching after that game, and I had an epiphany…
Hollywood has a long and proud history of producing classic sports movies: Field of Dreams, Any Given Sunday, The Mighty Ducks…
A true classic of the genre is the film Major League, in which a plucky group of rag tag misfits, rookies and retirees overcome all sorts of obstacles to secure an unlikely divisional championship in the Major League Baseball series. This plot could well have been our 2016 season. Should’ve been actually, all things considered. Woosha’s fault? Probably. Goddard knows what I am talking about, he was always banging on about the movie they’ll make about the saga. Actually, come to think of it, maybe that’s why he’s so pissed off with everyone right now.
Anyhoo, Major League was followed by a sequel - the imaginatively titled Major League 2. Now, in this movie, the team’s success in the previous year has completely changed their attitude. They are now playing like a bunch of Prima Donnas, exclusively for themselves and their own goals, rather than in the interests of the team. Sound familiar?
Essendon in season 2018 is like Major League 2, but without ever having achieved anything close to the success of Major League. We are a shitty sequel of a shitty movie.
If you are not familiar with the Major League movies and none of this made any sense whatsoever – bookmark this page, go download the movies and cue them up right now. Watching these movies would be a pretty good plan B for when the footy turns to s**t this afternoon. Which it probably will. We’ll know by quarter time, I’m tipping.
A piece of trivia about these movies that film aficionados with a keen eye may have noticed is that while Wesley Snipes portrayed Willy “Mays’ Hayes in the first movie, he was replaced by Omar Epps in the sequel.
Joe Daniher is our very own Willy “Mays” Hayes. I loved him last year in the Wesley snipes version where he was flashy and cocky, yet kicked lots of goals (or “home runs” to completely stretch the metaphor) but 2018 Joey is like the other dude who took the role in the sequel. He took the role and acted like a superstar without doing the hard work like Wesley Snipes did in the first movie. **** you fake Wesley Snipes. I want 2017 Joe “Wesley “Willy “Mays” Hayes” Snipes” Daniher back. Rolls right off the tongue.
Also
**** you Gil McLachlan
Do 4WDs who slow down to go over speed bumps realise how ridiculous they look?
Melbourne suck
#GoBombers!
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If you would like to nominate for a guest spot as a ranter, please PM me!
ROUND 6, 2017
Crowd: 44,040 - Etihad Stadium
The Daniher Points Show
ESSENDON BOMBERS 10.14 74
def.
MELBOURNE DEMONS 17.10 112
---------
ESSENDON BEST: Merrett, Goddard, Hurley, McGrath
ESSENDON GOALS: Hooker, Fantasia 2, Bellchambers, Colyer, Daniher, Parish, McDonald-Tipungwuti, McGrath
MELBOURNE BEST: McDonald, Lewis, Oliver
MELBOURNE BEST: Watts, Petracca 4, Garlett, Hannan 3, Lewis, McDonald, Pedersen
---------
CHANGES SINCE THEN:
ESSENDON OUTS: Fantasia, Bellchambers, Colyer, Watson, Brown, Dea, Howlett, Green, Gleeson, McKenna
ESSENDON INS: Saad, Ambrose, Guelfi, Laverde, Mutch, Stringer, Leuenberger, Smith, J. Merrett, Stewart
MELBOURNE OUTS: Watts, Petracca, Garlett, Pedersen, Frost, Bugg, Viney, Kennedy-Harris
MELBOURNE INS: Weideman, Harmes, Brayshaw, Hogan, Lever, Gawn, Spargo, Fritsch
MELBOURNE:
TV: FOX FOOTY (LIVE at 1.00pm AEST), FOXTEL Now (LIVE at 1.00pm AEST)
RADIO: SEN, ABC, ABC Grandstand
MOBILE: AFL Live Official App with LIVE Pass (Unmetered on Telstra Mobile Network)
SYDNEY:
TV: FOX FOOTY (LIVE at 1.00pm AEST), FOXTEL Now (LIVE at 1.00pm AEST)
RADIO: -
MOBILE: AFL Live Official App with LIVE Pass (Unmetered on Telstra Mobile Network)
ADELAIDE:
TV: FOX FOOTY (LIVE at 12.30pm ACST), FOXTEL Now (LIVE at 12.30pm ACST)
RADIO: ABC, ABC Grandstand
MOBILE: AFL Live Official App with LIVE Pass (Unmetered on Telstra Mobile Network)
PERTH:
TV: 7mate (LIVE at 11.00am AWST), FOX FOOTY (LIVE at 11.00am AWST), FOXTEL Now (LIVE at 11.00am AWST)
RADIO: ABC, ABC Grandstand
MOBILE: AFL Live Official App with LIVE Pass (Unmetered on Telstra Mobile Network)
BRISBANE:
TV: FOXFooty (1.00pm QLDT), FOXTEL Now (1.00pm QLDT)
RADIO: -
MOBILE: AFL Live Official App with LIVE Pass (Unmetered on Telstra Mobile Network)
TASMANIA:
TV: FOX FOOTY (LIVE at 1.00pm AEST), FOXTEL Now (LIVE at 1.00pm AEST)
RADIO: ABC, ABC Grandstand
MOBILE: AFL Live Official App with LIVE Pass (Unmetered on Telstra Mobile Network)
DARWIN:
TV: FOX FOOTY (LIVE at 12.30pm ACST), FOXTEL Now (LIVE at 12.30pm ACST)
RADIO: ABC, ABC Grandstand, AFL Nation
MOBILE: AFL Live Official App with LIVE Pass (Unmetered on Telstra Mobile Network)
I don't have faith that we'll show up anymore, so if I aim low, I won't be disappointed.
Melbourne by 13.
