Family & Relationships When an ex dies...

[Bennett.]

... It is seriously one of the strangest feelings I have ever experienced. A former girlfriend of mine - my first serious one etc etc, died from cancer the other day. Was diagnosed less than 6 months ago, so it is still a shock. We were friends on facebook etc, and I guess that adds to the weirdness factor - I can still pm someone who is no longer alive. Anyone had a similar experience? Seriously, how are we MEANT to feel??

 

[de_LICA_ish18]

My brother died of cancer in late July, he was 40. His first girlfriend from when he was 17 was constantly by his side in his last few days as well as his ex wife. They weren't together anymore but they both still have so much love for him.

His Facebook page is a memorial page now. People post on that page and talk to him like he's still there. Telling him what's going on in their lives or telling him how much they miss him.

 

[policegetthatman]

Sad...perhaps?
I don't think you'd feel happy.

 

[Silent Alarm]

I'm only 18 and I've not experienced any close deaths. And certainly not one of an ex-girlfriend. It must be a very perplexing situation. Do you feel regret over not being with her longer, or do you feel blessed for the time you had? It's a weird circumstance.

I hope you're feeling okay.

 

[Bennett.]

Nothing malicious at all, and I'm fine. It was just one of the more surreal feeling that I have ever experienced. Maybe a touch of regret? pity? unsure!

 

[standingroomonly]

-Resist the urge to fist pump
-Write something polite on her facebook wall
-delete from facebook
-get on with your life

 

[Happy_Neale]

Would probably depend on how the relationship ended I would have thought.

 

[Gabbie]

Nothing malicious at all, and I'm fine. It was just one of the more surreal feeling that I have ever experienced. Maybe a touch of regret? pity? unsure!

You're showing grieving symptons. Nothing to be uncomfortable about. It's a process. Have you or will you be going to the funeral? Will help with the closure. It's always sad when a young person goes from our lives.

It will be hard, but give her family a call, they would appreciate it.

Chin up.

 

[Zak Attack]

I can still pm someone who is no longer alive.

My dad died a few years ago. A couple of weeks later I got an e-mail from him. The title of the e-mail was "Hi Mark"(my name). I was really freaked out. Was this an e-mail from beyond the grave? I was almost too frightened to open it. When I did open it it turned out it was from my mum. She didn't have her own e-mail address so was using my dad's. Simple explanation but for a moment I thought I was in the twilight zone.

 

[philohk]

spartanwa, I had pretty much the exact experience a few years ago. She had some pain in her hip, went travelling, here then-boyfriend proposed, she accepted, got back to Oz, got checked out and the docs told her it was already too late. I found out through mutual friends a few weeks before she died.

I was pretty gutted even though we'd only had a casual thing for a while before I moved overseas. I thought I should email her but didn't know what to say (yes I am a weak bastard), then she died. I understand what you mean - it was surreal. Not the kind of grief you get for a close family member or friend, but still really saddening and can last longer than you think. Worsened by the fact that I'd just read a true story about someone in the last stages of cancer that didn't pull any punches.

Anyway, to answer your question, there probably is no right answer, is there? I still think about her now and then even though it was over ten years ago we were together and it's been about four or five since she died. She was cool and a good person. I reckon her family would appreciate you getting in touch.

 

[entourage]

My best mate is close to the end of his run and has been battling for the last 6 months, his ex has not said a word, not joined the support page, not nothing. heartless wench, always hated her but would've gained much respect if she had have done anything. but nothing. not a call, not a text, not an email, not shit. **** this.

 

[Docker Clint]

My best mate is close to the end of his run and has been battling for the last 6 months, his ex has not said a word, not joined the support page, not nothing. heartless wench, always hated her but would've gained much respect if she had have done anything. but nothing. not a call, not a text, not an email, not shit. **** this.

Lucky it's his ex and he wasn't still with her. Imagine spending your last days with an evil cow.

 

[Caesar]

My best mate is close to the end of his run and has been battling for the last 6 months, his ex has not said a word, not joined the support page, not nothing. heartless wench, always hated her but would've gained much respect if she had have done anything. but nothing. not a call, not a text, not an email, not shit. **** this.

No offence, but why should she? Once I break up with a girl we go our separate ways. Even if it's an amicable breakup, it's finished - that part of our lives is over.

I don't see why that would change if one of us was dying. I certainly wouldn't expect one of my exes to suddenly get in touch if I got cancer.

 

[Bennett.]

an ex, is someone that you once had feeling for. I'm not sure that ever entirely goes away.

 

[Caesar]

The feeling never goes away but the relationship does.

Heck, I'll say it. If one of my exes was dying then I am pretty sure I would not get in touch with them. It's reopening old wounds. Both of us have moved on with our lives and they have a whole different life and support network that I am not a part of, and haven't been for years.

Perhaps if they were in a situation where they were really in dire need of support - financial hardship, estranged from parents, short on friends, something like that - I might get in touch. But not ordinarily.

 

[Illinois Nazi]

Not joining the "support page" also doesn't necessarily mean she doesn't care or hasn't been in touch.

 

[IAMJUNGLEMUFFIN]

The feeling never goes away but the relationship does.

Heck, I'll say it. If one of my exes was dying then I am pretty sure I would not get in touch with them. It's reopening old wounds. Both of us have moved on with our lives and they have a whole different life and support network that I am not a part of, and haven't been for years.

Perhaps if they were in a situation where they were really in dire need of support - financial hardship, estranged from parents, short on friends, something like that - I might get in touch. But not ordinarily.

It's not so much reopening old wounds, as acknowledging the part someone once played in your life and a chance to say thankyou for that and goodbye.

If you say goodbye to some random you've worked with for a while, when they're leaving their job, you would think you'd also say goodbye to someone who held somewhat more significance.

 

[The Chiefton]

One of ex's died in a car accident 3 years ago, and I have never really completely gotten over it, as she was the one who broke up with me and I still loved her. Shit feeling getting that phone call.

 

[Caesar]

It's not so much reopening old wounds, as acknowledging the part someone once played in your life and a chance to say thankyou for that and goodbye.

If you say goodbye to some random you've worked with for a while, when they're leaving their job, you would think you'd also say goodbye to someone who held somewhat more significance.

Yeah, but I mean, we did all that when we broke up. That's when we ceased being part of each other's lives.

 

[Brad Goodman]

Yeah, but I mean, we did all that when we broke up. That's when we ceased being part of each other's lives.

You're not friends with any of your exes? I suppose it depends on whether you were friends beforehand.

 

[Caesar]

Who wants to be friends with an ex? That just sounds unpleasantly difficult, even if the breakup was amicable.

 

[kfc1]

I am friends with a couple, others I would be happy to never see again. It really isn't difficult in the right circumstances - all depends on your relationship with them, your break up and the reasons why you split up.

 

[Drakescoffeecake]

My ex from 5-6 years ago committed suicide last year. Pretty weird that she's still my friend on facebook. The only reason she is, is so I can read comments from people still posting on her wall, and deleting her seems a bit disrespectful, but that's just me. I remember I found out via another friend writing "RIP **** " as their status. Called around and found out it was true, apparently she had come home from a night on the town and hung herself. She invited me to her birthday drinks only a few weeks prior as well but I couldn't go for some reason... but what's worse is a friend of mine got a call from her the same night, telling him to come out and party, he made up some excuse because he couldn't be bothered, and she was dead a few hours later.

 

[nicky]

That's extremely sad.

 

[Righteo]

My ex from 5-6 years ago committed suicide last year. Pretty weird that she's still my friend on facebook. The only reason she is, is so I can read comments from people still posting on her wall, and deleting her seems a bit disrespectful, but that's just me. I remember I found out via another friend writing "RIP **** " as their status. Called around and found out it was true, apparently she had come home from a night on the town and hung herself. She invited me to her birthday drinks only a few weeks prior as well but I couldn't go for some reason... but what's worse is a friend of mine got a call from her the same night, telling him to come out and party, he made up some excuse because he couldn't be bothered, and she was dead a few hours later.

Seriously, **** Facebook. That's a terrible way to find out IMO and the cynic in me says that some people only do this to get attention.