Croweater's thread of not-so-erotic fiction
- Thread starter Croweater
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- Mar 31, 2011
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I don't believe that happened.
It actually feels like Malcolm Turnbull was narrating that in his smug, Eastern Suburbs voice. w***er.
And of course it smells like s**t. There's bound to be some splashback.
And of course it smells like s**t. There's bound to be some splashback.
- Banned
- #305
I'm saying nothing.
Spoil sport!
- Mar 31, 2011
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All that was missing from that story was for all the other customers to stand up and applaud as they walked out.
- Banned
- #308
Except to suggest that if he had gone with hurricane Natalie he'd be getting blown in the cafe instead of sipping ******* hazelgay coffee, and his life wouldn't be a scrubs episode. Next chapter - croweater and white gf spend weekend together in Sydney watching Dawson's creek from ep1 to finish.
I also am having trouble with certain sections of this 'story'.
Now I'm seeing that story told by a soggy sock puppet.
Much more believable!.
blackshadow
Hall of Famer
Alright, so I have an awkward story to tell you. Well funny/awkward/ultimately rewarding. It happened a couple of days ago but I've been too busy to come on here, so it had to wait until now. NB: As I'm an extremely descriptive person, I may make comments which come across as self-inflating. It's not my intention, but I'm giving fair warning for the people out there with delicate sensitivities.
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Anyway on Sunday morning, Hayley and I went out for brunch together. It was a beautiful Adelaide Spring day, 23 degrees, nary a cloud in the sky, so we decided to head up to God's Country; the Adelaide Hills. We settled on my childhood town, Stirling, and began our mission of finding a place to grab some breaky. We found a place, sat out on the deck and perused the menu. I decided on getting an Eggs Benedict, with a side of Kanmantoo Bacon and a Hazelnut Latte, and Hayley ordered an Eggs Florentine with Chamomile Tea I think it was, which went down rather nicely. We sat there enjoying the sunshine, and talking about maybe going away for a weekend to Sydney. The way Hayley described looking forward to having me "all to [her]self" and not having to wear clothes for our weekend in a Sydney hotel room, not to mention her looking effortlessly sexy at brunch, made me want to push her against the wall and f*ck her right then and there. Yep, life was sweet.
However (in keeping with my generally juxtaposed stories of "this was great, then this happened"), things went downhill from there.
We decided to leave, so Hayley went to "freshen up" (her words) before we left the restaurant. As Hayley was in the toilet, who should I bump into, but my battle-axe of an ex-girlfriend who screwed me around (I've mentioned her before). Anyway, she was really happy to see me, she gave me a big hug and asked me what I was up to. I was quite a bit less enthused to speak to her, but I conformed to social niceties and asked how she was, blah, blah, blah. She says she's missed me. I respond with "oh yeah, that's nice". Anyway, Hayley comes out of the toilet and walks over to us.
"Hi, who are you?" my ex asks quizzically.
"This is Hayley. We're seeing each other" I respond, in a manner far too vindictive.
My ex-girlfiend's (we'll call her Alex) face quickly shifted from quizzical to 'murdery' (if that's a word), like a psycho whose medication has stopped working. Now, Alex is revengeful bitch. If something doesn't go her way, there will be hell to pay. However, I did not forsee what she was about to say.
She turns to Hayley and goes "Oh, you're dating? How sad for you. Be prepared for below-par sex, s**t action movies, and banal political chit-chat. You'll have to attend his law stuff with boring law people and go home unsatisfied, wondering what you're doing with your life".
"What the hell is wrong with you?" I respond, embarrassed.
"Nothing. I'm just letting your bimbo trophy here know what she's getting herself into" she barked.
"There's no need to be rude, and there's certainly no need to discuss our sex life, regardless of how little you enjoyed it".
"F*ck you. I'll say whatever I want. I don't care what you or your latest root think. Hey Barbie, does he go down on you? Because when we f*cked, he only did what he wanted and didn't care about my needs".
"Jesus Christ. I think it's best we leave" I said. I felt like returning serve, but I didn't want Hayley to feel even worse.
You have to understand that Hayley is pasty as hell. Culturally white as f*ck. There's no mixture of white girl ebonics, she never wears caps, multi-coloured three-striper track pants don't feature in her wardrobe, and she can't stand the malleability of the public in being influenced into wasting money on Beats by Dr Dre headphones.
She doesn't really like confrontation or arguing, particularly in public. But for a second she acquired the quintessential African-American woman attitude, because she ain't gon' be havin' some hoe talkin' 'bout her and her man like that! She begins with the "oh, no she didn't" finger:
That's as ghetto as it got, but what she said next was fantastic; "First of all, I'm not a trophy. What a rude thing to say. Secondly, I enjoy action movies, politics, and I'm one of those "boring law people" you described. Finally, the sex is amazing and he goes down on me daily, nightly and ever so rightly. You're just bitter because you let somebody great go, and that you'll spend your vile existence alone and unloved".
I was gobsmacked. I'd never seen her get so annoyed, let alone publicly discuss our sex life. She destroyed Alex without swearing once. That and the fact that she used a Scrubs quote to do it was bloody impressive. I decided to rub salt into the wound. I hoped Hayley wouldn't get annoyed at me. She (as most of you know) can get a bit precious about certain things.
With my arm around Hayley's waist and a smug look on my face, I go "You want to know why the sex was boring? Because you were s**t at it. You were a complete starfish. We did the same two boring positions (missionary and cowgirl) for years, and you weren't keen to try anything new apart from me orally satisfying you. I didn't give a s**t about sex with you, because it was literally that bad. Oh and by the way, the reason I avoided going down on you was because your vagina smelled like s**t".
I slowly and cautiously looked at Hayley's reaction like you wince at your bank account the night after getting pissed on $25 cocktails. She was smiling. All good.
We smugly turned around while Alex was left there with a horrified look on her face. Oh and the restaurant staff thought it was rather amusing too.
As we walked to the car, I go "So that was my ex-girlfriend. She's lovely isn't she?".
The Half Back
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I knew the story was bogus when he wrote "beautiful Adelaide Spring day"
Smoooothy
SACK THE LOT OF THEM!
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I want to believe, I really do..
Plugger35
The umpires are always right!
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Just needs a laugh track to tell us when we're supposed to laugh.
Croweater is gonna melt again, I can see it.
- Mar 31, 2011
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What does he expect though? I mean if you're gonna make something up at least make it believable or at least funny.
Lol
Certainly an inordinate amount of 'WINNING'!.
- Oct 7, 2002
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I get the feeling he has been playing us all along. Nobody who actually exists can be that much of a tosser.
And why bother telling us what you got for breakfast? Does not make one iota of difference. Completely irrelevant in a thread like this, unless you want to come off as a pretentious twat.
Shell
Premium Platinum
Eggs Benedict rocks.
Also- why is that poll still there?
Also- why is that poll still there?
The Half Back
BC Approved
For those that a reading for the first time.
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