Croweater's thread of not-so-erotic fiction

Remove this Banner Ad

Duritz said:
Ok, so I had a 20 year school reunion recently and saw people I hadn't seen in a long time. Man, did that take me back...

We had organised it at a vinyard in the Yarra Valley. The day was beautiful, 25 degrees and just a hint of a breeze. Shortly after arriving I was sipping on a glass of Dom Perignon and gazing thoughtfully over the vines, considering how lucky we all were. As though reading my mind, a girl - we'll call her Tania - slid up next to me. Now, I hadn't seen Tania since I was 20, and we'd had a pretty hot, but casual, relationship going on back then.

"Hello you," she whispered as she slid her arm into mine.

"Tania!" I said, instinctively embracing her. I immediately noticed that her breasts were still firm and her body taut.

"How have you been?" I asked.

We caught up for the next half an hour. She was fasnicated by my career and life.

"I always knew you were destined for an amazing life, Duritz." She said.

Right then, we were interrupted. "Tania! Duritz!" Said a voice.

Holy s**t on a shashlik, it was Rebecca. She and Tania and I had been good friends back then, and on more than one occasion after a few too many drinks we'd had a bit of three-way fun. This was getting interesting. Before I could respond Rebecca was hugging me. My Lord, she was as tight as ever too. I could tell from her slight sway as she drew back from the embrace that she'd been enjoying some bubbles too. She had a smile that teased me, flaunted with me and caressed me all at the same time. Her eyes were like deep pools into which many men would be lost. As I watched, she and Tania embraced warmly, very warmly.

I had to think fast. Knowing they both enjoyed the finer things in life, which is why we appreciated one another's company, I asked them if they'd like to go for a walk. I just happened to have a case of 1951 grange hermitage with me, I grabbed a bottle from the car, three glasses from the bar and we walked off into the vines to find a little privacy.

"Do you remember when you turned down that offer from NASA?" Tania asked me. "But you turned it down because you were convinced you could cure cancer?"

This was embarrassing. They were clearly picking on me.

"All right, all right," I said. "But it did leave me open to explore my hobby, robotics, and I'm now on the verge of creating the first fully self aware cyborg. Plus, I'm still working on cancer in my spare time!"

"You're crazy!" Said Rebecca.

We all laughed.

"Remember Sydney?" Asked Tania.

Oh boy, now this was dangerous. The three of us had gone away for a weekend in Sydney. It had essentially been a ****fest interspersed with partying. Officially, I was there to give a talk on terraforming to a group of the worlds leading scientists, but I could do that in my sleep so there was plenty of time for recreation. And recreate we did, day and night.

At the mere mention of Sydney, Rebecca moaned. Before I knew it her tongue was inside my mouth, the taste of grange mixing together. Tania was rubbing my crotch and fondling Rebbeca's breasts at the same time.

"Why didn't we just stay with you Duritz?" Asked Rebecca. "You're so superior to our husbands in every way."

Just then, our school principle from 1994 came wandering through the vinyard, glass of wine in his hand.

"Oh my!" He said. "This is just like the time I caught you three doing something similar on school camp!"

Talk about awkward!
Click to expand...

No cutting and casually delivered smack talk, definitely made up. :thumbsdown:
 
Starburns_ said:
No cutting and casually delivered smack talk, definitely made up. :thumbsdown:
Click to expand...

I'm too much of a gentleman for that.

Incidentally Gandhi met me many years ago and said exactly the same thing. I then corrected him on a few of his misconceptions re Buddhism. He came away a better man, and said so.
 

Log in to remove this ad.

Duritz said:
I'm too much of a gentleman for that.

Incidentally Gandhi met me many years ago and said exactly the same thing. I then corrected him on a few of his misconceptions re Buddhism. He came away a better man, and said so.
Click to expand...

You only 'met' him because he tried to fight you yeah?
 
Croweater said:
Alright, so I have an awkward story to tell you. Well funny/awkward/ultimately rewarding. It happened a couple of days ago but I've been too busy to come on here, so it had to wait until now. NB: As I'm an extremely descriptive person, I may make comments which come across as self-inflating. It's not my intention, but I'm giving fair warning for the people out there with delicate sensitivities.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Anyway on Sunday morning, Hayley and I went out for brunch together. It was a beautiful Adelaide Spring day, 23 degrees, nary a cloud in the sky, so we decided to head up to God's Country; the Adelaide Hills. We settled on my childhood town, Stirling, and began our mission of finding a place to grab some breaky. We found a place, sat out on the deck and perused the menu. I decided on getting an Eggs Benedict, with a side of Kanmantoo Bacon and a Hazelnut Latte, and Hayley ordered an Eggs Florentine with Chamomile Tea I think it was, which went down rather nicely. We sat there enjoying the sunshine, and talking about maybe going away for a weekend to Sydney. The way Hayley described looking forward to having me "all to [her]self" and not having to wear clothes for our weekend in a Sydney hotel room, not to mention her looking effortlessly sexy at brunch, made me want to push her against the wall and f*ck her right then and there. Yep, life was sweet.

However (in keeping with my generally juxtaposed stories of "this was great, then this happened"), things went downhill from there.

We decided to leave, so Hayley went to "freshen up" (her words) before we left the restaurant. As Hayley was in the toilet, who should I bump into, but my battle-axe of an ex-girlfriend who screwed me around (I've mentioned her before). Anyway, she was really happy to see me, she gave me a big hug and asked me what I was up to. I was quite a bit less enthused to speak to her, but I conformed to social niceties and asked how she was, blah, blah, blah. She says she's missed me. I respond with "oh yeah, that's nice". Anyway, Hayley comes out of the toilet and walks over to us.

"Hi, who are you?" my ex asks quizzically.

"This is Hayley. We're seeing each other" I respond, in a manner far too vindictive.

My ex-girlfiend's (we'll call her Alex) face quickly shifted from quizzical to 'murdery' (if that's a word), like a psycho whose medication has stopped working. Now, Alex is revengeful bitch. If something doesn't go her way, there will be hell to pay. However, I did not forsee what she was about to say.

She turns to Hayley and goes "Oh, you're dating? How sad for you. Be prepared for below-par sex, s**t action movies, and banal political chit-chat. You'll have to attend his law stuff with boring law people and go home unsatisfied, wondering what you're doing with your life".

"What the hell is wrong with you?" I respond, embarrassed.

"Nothing. I'm just letting your bimbo trophy here know what she's getting herself into" she barked.

"There's no need to be rude, and there's certainly no need to discuss our sex life, regardless of how little you enjoyed it".

"F*ck you. I'll say whatever I want. I don't care what you or your latest root think. Hey Barbie, does he go down on you? Because when we f*cked, he only did what he wanted and didn't care about my needs".

"Jesus Christ. I think it's best we leave" I said. I felt like returning serve, but I didn't want Hayley to feel even worse.

You have to understand that Hayley is pasty as hell. Culturally white as f*ck. There's no mixture of white girl ebonics, she never wears caps, multi-coloured three-striper track pants don't feature in her wardrobe, and she can't stand the malleability of the public in being influenced into wasting money on Beats by Dr Dre headphones.

She doesn't really like confrontation or arguing, particularly in public. But for a second she acquired the quintessential African-American woman attitude, because she ain't gon' be havin' some hoe talkin' 'bout her and her man like that! She begins with the "oh, no she didn't" finger:

tumblr_lvt540WWrw1r1bf8y.jpg


That's as ghetto as it got, but what she said next was fantastic; "First of all, I'm not a trophy. What a rude thing to say. Secondly, I enjoy action movies, politics, and I'm one of those "boring law people" you described. Finally, the sex is amazing and he goes down on me daily, nightly and ever so rightly. You're just bitter because you let somebody great go, and that you'll spend your vile existence alone and unloved".

I was gobsmacked. I'd never seen her get so annoyed, let alone publicly discuss our sex life. She destroyed Alex without swearing once. That and the fact that she used a Scrubs quote to do it was bloody impressive. I decided to rub salt into the wound. I hoped Hayley wouldn't get annoyed at me. She (as most of you know) can get a bit precious about certain things.

With my arm around Hayley's waist and a smug look on my face, I go "You want to know why the sex was boring? Because you were s**t at it. You were a complete starfish. We did the same two boring positions (missionary and cowgirl) for years, and you weren't keen to try anything new apart from me orally satisfying you. I didn't give a s**t about sex with you, because it was literally that bad. Oh and by the way, the reason I avoided going down on you was because your vagina smelled like s**t".

I slowly and cautiously looked at Hayley's reaction like you wince at your bank account the night after getting pissed on $25 cocktails. She was smiling. All good.

We smugly turned around while Alex was left there with a horrified look on her face. Oh and the restaurant staff thought it was rather amusing too.

As we walked to the car, I go "So that was my ex-girlfriend. She's lovely isn't she?". :$
Click to expand...
 
Duritz said:
Ok, so I had a 20 year school reunion recently and saw people I hadn't seen in a long time. Man, did that take me back...

We had organised it at a vinyard in the Yarra Valley. The day was beautiful, 25 degrees and just a hint of a breeze. Shortly after arriving I was sipping on a glass of Dom Perignon and gazing thoughtfully over the vines, considering how lucky we all were. As though reading my mind, a girl - we'll call her Tania - slid up next to me. Now, I hadn't seen Tania since I was 20, and we'd had a pretty hot, but casual, relationship going on back then.

"Hello you," she whispered as she slid her arm into mine.

"Tania!" I said, instinctively embracing her. I immediately noticed that her breasts were still firm and her body taut.

"How have you been?" I asked.

We caught up for the next half an hour. She was fasnicated by my career and life.

"I always knew you were destined for an amazing life, Duritz." She said.

Right then, we were interrupted. "Tania! Duritz!" Said a voice.

Holy s**t on a shashlik, it was Rebecca. She and Tania and I had been good friends back then, and on more than one occasion after a few too many drinks we'd had a bit of three-way fun. This was getting interesting. Before I could respond Rebecca was hugging me. My Lord, she was as tight as ever too. I could tell from her slight sway as she drew back from the embrace that she'd been enjoying some bubbles too. She had a smile that teased me, flaunted with me and caressed me all at the same time. Her eyes were like deep pools into which many men would be lost. As I watched, she and Tania embraced warmly, very warmly.

I had to think fast. Knowing they both enjoyed the finer things in life, which is why we appreciated one another's company, I asked them if they'd like to go for a walk. I just happened to have a case of 1951 grange hermitage with me, I grabbed a bottle from the car, three glasses from the bar and we walked off into the vines to find a little privacy.

"Do you remember when you turned down that offer from NASA?" Tania asked me. "But you turned it down because you were convinced you could cure cancer?"

This was embarrassing. They were clearly picking on me.

"All right, all right," I said. "But it did leave me open to explore my hobby, robotics, and I'm now on the verge of creating the first fully self aware cyborg. Plus, I'm still working on cancer in my spare time!"

"You're crazy!" Said Rebecca.

We all laughed.

"Remember Sydney?" Asked Tania.

Oh boy, now this was dangerous. The three of us had gone away for a weekend in Sydney. It had essentially been a ****fest interspersed with partying. Officially, I was there to give a talk on terraforming to a group of the worlds leading scientists, but I could do that in my sleep so there was plenty of time for recreation. And recreate we did, day and night.

At the mere mention of Sydney, Rebecca moaned. Before I knew it her tongue was inside my mouth, the taste of grange mixing together. Tania was rubbing my crotch and fondling Rebbeca's breasts at the same time.

"Why didn't we just stay with you Duritz?" Asked Rebecca. "You're so superior to our husbands in every way."

Just then, our school principle from 1994 came wandering through the vinyard, glass of wine in his hand.

"Oh my!" He said. "This is just like the time I caught you three doing something similar on school camp!"

Talk about awkward!
Click to expand...
****en oath, Durex, I can't stop laughing!
 
chunkylover53 said:
Who the **** says "I didnt go down on you because your vagina smelled like s**t" in the middle of a cafe!? FFS.
Click to expand...
Seriously. If, in some alternate universe, that self-infatuated fairytale actually happened, and I was with a guy who was in the middle of a scene like that...I'd tell him to never call me again. How ******* mortifying and childish. "Your vagina smelled like s**t"?! Grow up.

But, it didn't happen, so who cares.
 

(Log in to remove this ad.)

MEB_ said:
Seriously. If, in some alternate universe, that self-infatuated fairytale actually happened, and I was with a guy who was in the middle of a scene like that...I'd tell him to never call me again. How ******* mortifying and childish. "Your vagina smelled like s**t"?! Grow up.

But, it didn't happen, so who cares.
Click to expand...
And apparently the cafe staff thought it very entertaining..

Not sure too many businesses would like an upper middle bogan type s**t slinging match going on in their premises.
 
How long did you date your ex Croweater ? If you dated one crazy without realising (initially) you could be making the same mistake again.
 
craigos said:
How long did you date your ex Croweater ? If you dated one crazy without realising (initially) you could be making the same mistake again.
Click to expand...

6 years on and off. Yeah, I know, I know; if you broke up several times, why'd you keep going back to her? At her best she was bloody fantastic. We were a team, pretty much best mates. At her worst, it was terrible. I was torn throughout the relationship, but I stuck with her because I thought it would be okay in the long run. Ended up getting messed around though.

And I know what I said about her vagina was extremely low brow, but at that time I felt the need to say it. I'm sorry if that line offended anyone. By the way, I don't think any other customers heard. Just a couple of wait staff who were near the exit had a "holy f*ck, did he just say that?" wry smile on their faces.

Also, who keeps saying my story is a fantasy? You think it was a dream to have my banshee of an ex-girlfriend tell the girl I'm seeing about how unsatisfied she was with our sex life? I'd rather have dipped my knob in honey and put it in an ant hill than have that happen.
 
Catfish Alley said:
You said yourself you were smug at the end. It's probably more the girl standing up for you so vehemently that seems unlikely.
Click to expand...

Of course I was smug. I won the break up battle. I lost my dignity when we broke up, she lost hers in the long run. And because of what she did to me, it makes me feel content.

But yes, I was surprised when Hayley not only got pissed off and stood up for me, but also rubbed her nose in the fact that we were f*cking and that maybe I wasn't so much of a s**t root after all. She's actually way more chilled out than she was a few months ago, strangely enough.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.

Similar threads

N
Entertainment & Music So who DID make the gravy?
Replies
9
Views
569
Dan Moody
Dan Moody
dogs105
Science & Mathematics Fun Mathematics Thread
Replies
14
Views
614
Caesar
Caesar
peasantbruh69
People of note who are related to other people of note in different fields
2 3 4
Replies
80
Views
3K
MisterB
M
RedmanWasHere
The Games Thread.
Replies
3
Views
1K
RedmanWasHere
RedmanWasHere
No Quarter
Hard Solo - Boozey soft drink to be renamed
2 3
Replies
61
Views
2K
Gralin
Gralin
Shell
The Millionaire chase tipping hot seat thread
2
Replies
47
Views
1K
Shell
Shell
Shell
  • Locked
Society & Culture Rask's nephew is a ****head thread (and all things crap housemates). HE'S GONE
2 3 4 5 6
Replies
129
Views
5K
Chief
Chief

Remove this Banner Ad

Back
Top