Help a journo out

[The Dr]

I think I might have said it earlier in this thread but instead of raising a question, try answering one. Instead of "Can the Bulldogs go all the way?" try making the premise of your article "The Bulldogs can go all the way - this is why." Give an opinion, back it up and most importantly entertain the reader. Tell me why the Bulldogs' midfield is "scarily good" with examples and statistics, don't just reel off names. I know their names, tell me more.

I don't want to be harsh but your writing hasn't changed so much from my occasional observations in this thread. Try putting some of the advice into practice before writing articles and posting them here.

Yep, I agree. Again, don't want to be harsh, but are you actually taking the advice on board and trying to implement those improvements?

This latest piece is still too general and doesn't offer much more than casual observations. Be specific, and incorporate stats and examples.

And avoid repetition of words and phrases like the use of 'year' three times in the space of 24 words:

The Western Bulldogs had a marvellous first year under new coach Luke Beveridge, going from 14th the previous year to playing finals. The year finished in a elimination final loss to Adelaide in a classic at the MCG. It was the fairytale of 2015.

 

[Sweet Jesus]

Just a little thing I didn't like was "Shaun Hampson is not a good footballer". Granted he is not star in the AFL, but to call someone "not good" when they have made it to the highest level I found a bit offensive.

Geez, we can't have that.

 

[Sassafras]

What's The Roar? Can anybody write pieces or do they pick what they publish?

 

[Mningasimisonda]

Yep, I agree. Again, don't want to be harsh, but are you actually taking the advice on board and trying to implement those improvements?

This latest piece is still too general and doesn't offer much more than casual observations. Be specific, and incorporate stats and examples.

And avoid repetition of words and phrases like the use of 'year' three times in the space of 24 words:

The Western Bulldogs had a marvellous first year under new coach Luke Beveridge, going from 14th the previous year to playing finals. The year finished in a elimination final loss to Adelaide in a classic at the MCG. It was the fairytale of 2015.

Actually, the best way to write well is use the correct words and say what you want to say. If you need to repeat words then repeat them.

The problem here is not the repetition of the word "year", but the reference to "the year" after using "year" in two different contexts; i.e. "first year" and "previous year". It's clear what he means, but the sudden change in use of the same word breaks the flow.

Even adding "Last year" to the start of the paragraph improves the flow and clarity, i.e. "Last year the Western Bulldogs had a marvelous..."

 

[Prince_Rhodesia]

Good grammar can't be overstated enough.

Have you read any articles by Robbo online? If you haven't, there's a lesson to be learned in his work. There are usually numerous grammatical errors, and it leads me to believe that either he's submitting his work directly to the uploader without having it proofread first, or his editor is also an imbecile.

One thing in particular that bugs me, is when I'm reading an article and the author has used words such as "there, their, and they're" incorrectly. Any professional writer must be able to use words properly at all times.

Keep your writing on point, and always remember that your articles should be structured to keep the readers attention on what you have written. So if it's an opinion piece, go ahead and back up your work with data supporting your argument.
Don't just say something like, "I believe Richmond will be a top 4 side this year because they were pretty good last year".

Above all else, ensure that your work keeps the reader interested. You want people to look for your next submission and follow your work.

Best of luck.

 

[Mningasimisonda]

Agree with the post above. Facts should be the basis of the article even when it's an opinion piece.

Also, keep your reader interested with interesting content. Most readers aren't looking for a creative writing piece when they read footy journalism. If there is less to say then make the article shorter or find more relevant content to add. Try to avoid adding words that say nothing just to flesh it out.

 

[thetradesman]

Hey guys, this is my latest article, would appreciate some feedback.

http://www.theroar.com.au/2016/12/06/cornwills-season-previews-adelaide-crows/

 

[ManOfClay]

Proofread. Read it out loud three times before you submit.

It might sound weird at first but you are young and not yet a competent enough writer to make it a career

 

[Sttew]

"......Rory Laird had fantastic seasons, the latter unlucky to win an All Australian spot".

I'm betting OP didn't mean to say above

 

[TheJanuaryMan]

Need to really work on grammar. "the only stars in the midfield group IS Rory Sloane and tar ruckman Sam Jacobs." Should be "ARE" as more than one, and the latter should be considered a Star ruckman.

Your sentences run too long and have too many different concepts within. Maybe two different concepts, but not up to four in the one sentence.

Once you have used the full name of a player initially, you can then make future references by surname only. The opening paragraph talks of Rory Laird and Brodie Smith, but then names them in full again later. This would normally only be done if there are multiple players on the list with the same surname, in order to differentiate them (eg the Crouch brothers are fine to name in full).

You are still on the right track, but ManOfClay is spot on about reading it aloud to ensure it flows. There are some things still occurring throughout all of your articles. The passion can't be questioned, but need to keep working on key things to avoid being seen as just another enthusiastic blogger.

 

[thetradesman]

Cheers for the feedback boys!

 

[thetradesman]

Need to really work on grammar. "the only stars in the midfield group IS Rory Sloane and tar ruckman Sam Jacobs." Should be "ARE" as more than one, and the latter should be considered a Star ruckman.

Your sentences run too long and have too many different concepts within. Maybe two different concepts, but not up to four in the one sentence.

Once you have used the full name of a player initially, you can then make future references by surname only. The opening paragraph talks of Rory Laird and Brodie Smith, but then names them in full again later. This would normally only be done if there are multiple players on the list with the same surname, in order to differentiate them (eg the Crouch brothers are fine to name in full).

You are still on the right track, but ManOfClay is spot on about reading it aloud to ensure it flows. There are some things still occurring throughout all of your articles. The passion can't be questioned, but need to keep working on key things to avoid being seen as just another enthusiastic blogger.

Lions up next mate! haha

 

[thetradesman]

http://www.theroar.com.au/2017/02/08/cornwills-season-previews-brisbane-lions/

Thoughts?

 

[ManOfClay]

Do you actually want help or just more hits on your article?

Sounds harsh but you've hardly taken on board anything you've been given feedback on so far.

 

[thetradesman]

Do you actually want help or just more hits on your article?

Sounds harsh but you've hardly taken on board anything you've been given feedback on so far.

Help..

 

[thetradesman]

I feel like I have incorporated more stats into my articles, and also been more direct with what I am trying to say.

 

[ManOfClay]

I feel like I have incorporated more stats into my articles, and also been more direct with what I am trying to say.

I'd suggest reading out loud. You have hammered away at commas, often in unnecessary places, and as a result the sentences don't flow.

That's the main bugbear.

 

[Private Hudson]

No offence mate but I don't think you've taken one word of advice that's been given to you. The last article you posted is probably the worst of the lot.

 

[ManOfClay]

No offence mate but I don't think you've taken one word of advice that's been given to you. The last article you posted is probably the worst of the lot.

Yep. If I was an editor again I'd seriously wonder if the kid was listening if this kept happening

 

[The Dr]

Yep. If I was an editor again I'd seriously wonder if the kid was listening if this kept happening

That was the first thing that came to my mind too, unfortunately.

OP - I think it would be worth again reading through all the advice given through this thread and really thinking hard about it before writing something else. Also maybe seek out a journalism mentor to help you out, as you seriously need someone to hammer these messages home.

 

[thetradesman]

http://www.theroar.com.au/2017/02/14/cornwills-season-previews-carlton-blues/

Just so everybody knows, I had already emailed this off before I had my latest criticisms.

Probably too many comma's in this one again ( like the previous one).

I am going to start writing my Collingwood piece after taking on board and reading through the thread carefully.

 

[thetradesman]

http://www.theroar.com.au/2017/02/15/cornwills-season-previews-collingwood/

 

[Noobz0r]

"The Collingwood defence has been a big talking point of the pre-season, brought on by losing senior defender Nathan Brown, who played 16 games last year, and Jack Frost, who looked promising before stagnating in 2016."

Stop over using the comma!

 

[The Dr]

You misspelled Jamie Elliott's surname. Absolute cardinal sin - and he's hardly an unknown player.

 

[TheJanuaryMan]

I've been thinking for a long time about how to reply to this, because it is clear that you are asking for feedback and want to make this a career. What i'm not sure about is how much of the feedback you are actually taking on. I'm also wary of knocking your confidence too much, because every journalist started somewhere and not one of them was brilliant from the word go and made plenty of blues.

A few things in the Brisbane one that stood out to me:
Defence: "with the same going for Darcy Gardiner and Daniel McStay"....that reads very much like a high school student (which I know you are). Perhaps try "the same could be said".
"as not one Lions midfielder worked really hard both ways". Tom Rockliff would bristle at this.

Forwards: "Josh Walker and Michael Close are two of the Lions’ other options but neither are up to AFL standard." Yet. Too sweeping a statement about two kids the first time.

As a Brisbane man, I don't think Paparone is in the best 22, for one, but that's just an opinion.

You have to watch too many sweeping statements without supporting fact. Any AFL player reading some of this from a teenager would hammer you on Twitter or the like and rightly so. Too easy to attack players, your articles need more positive statements also otherwise you risk being seen as just above a Twitter troll.

As an aspiring journo, you need a thick skin and willingness to listen to advice above any other trait. Until you have those, it will be a long road - but you also must persist, listen and learn. There is a good writer in you, but it needs a lot of coaxing and polish.