MAXIMUM GRUNDAGE
Premiership Captain
ALL ABOARD THE CHICKEN TRAINWRECK
I turned off the highway as I spotted the site of my next mission on the exit. I pulled into the carpark of the Moe McDonald's, thinking this was an unusual place for a meeting, but Captain Jack assured me this is where my next interviewee wanted to meet.
As I walked through the door, I instantly spotted the familiar cherub face of my target. I walked over to his table and introduced myself.
"G'day Jack, Captain Jack told me to expect you". It didn't take long to be introduced to his brand of humour "But he should be called Captain Nathan cause Jack isn't captain anymore! Toot toot!"
"Jack Grimes is still co-captain" I corrected.
"Bit hard to captain from the sidelines! Toot toot!"
I dismissed these lame jokes and sat down at the table with him.
"Firstly, why meet here?" I asked.
"This is where I proposed to my woman" he informed me "In fact, we were sitting at this very table".
"The one who kicked you out after you pulled a knife on her?" I asked.
"It was her own fault for leaving the kitchen! Toot toot! I was handing her the knife so she could slice the roast beef for my dinner! Toot toot!"
It went without saying, but Ricky could do with some new material. Those jokes might have been funny when St Kilda's trophy cabinet was still bare (in before "what about wooden spoons" because everybody knows they belong in a draw! Toot toot!), but they were plain awful these days.
Changing the subject, I asked for his thoughts on the outcome of this weeks match.
"The mighty Saints will s**t it in against your club. But I feel sorry for you, so I'll give you 2 tickets to my show as consolation for the upcoming loss. Trust me Jack, my show is the 2nd funniest thing you'll see all year, behind watching your pathetic club play! Toot toot!"
It was time to put this delusional yesterday's hero in his place.
"You'll have to excuse me Ricky, but given that you threw a decent career as a manager away to chase some tail and given that you reckon you're God's gift to comedy, I really can't trust your judgment on this one".
Ricky's face turned a beetroot colour as he started ranting. "Listen here sunshine! I've recently banged two hot young girls, which is more than you're ever going to get because good luck finding a hot teen in this area who isn't already a single mum! Toot toot!"
He ran to the register, plonked down 50 tickets in front of the female cashier and said "Give these to the next 50 customers who walk through the door, would ya sugar ****! Toot toot!" leered down her partially unbuttoned shirt for a moment, then returned to my table stating "People love my comedy shows. In fact, I sold 50 tickets not even a minute ago, so you can suck my sword! Toot toot!"
"There is a difference between them laughing with you and at you" I stated matter-of-factly.
"Yes, because nobody laughs with your joke of a club! Toot toot! Now let me show you how good I am on stage!"
With that, he jumped behind the counter, snatched a headset off one of the workers and only just managed to get it onto his fat head. He then launched into his comedy routine
"Get on board the chicken train! Toot toot! Hello ladies and germs of Moe, I'm Ricky and I promise you a show that will make you piss your pants laughing! Last night I shot an elephant in my pajamas....but enough about Kim! Get it...shot! Toot toot! Hey you on table 3, your mum's so fat she thought the Macca's Dinner Box was a Snack Box! Toot toot! Hey I'm Mr T, I'll rip your utensil off with my arse! Toot toot! Why did James Hird cross the road? To get to the other 'tides! Toot toot! Take my wife please! Toot toot!"
During there was nothing. Even the crickets had gone quiet and the tumbleweeds refused to blow across the room.
"It sounds like a Melbourne Demons home game in here! Why aren't youse laughing?! Have youse got your moccasins on too tight?! Toot toot!"
One person wearing a St Kilda guernsey got up from his seat and I recognised him instantly - it was Clint Jones.
"Hey Ricky!" he heckled "If you reckon that's funny, wait until you see my act!"
Jones approached Nixon, pulled out a Zippo lighter and set fire to Nixon's tracky dacks. Nixon started screaming as his entire body was quickly engulfed in flames, and the entire restaurant erupted with laughter. The last thing I saw before leaving was the triumphant smile on Nixon's burning face as he finally received the laughs he was seeking.
Usually I would have helped, but I wouldn't piss on this prick, even if he was on fire.
I texted to Captain Jack: "MISSION ACCOMPLISHED. MELBOURNE BY 50 POINTS. TOOT TOOT."
I turned off the highway as I spotted the site of my next mission on the exit. I pulled into the carpark of the Moe McDonald's, thinking this was an unusual place for a meeting, but Captain Jack assured me this is where my next interviewee wanted to meet.
As I walked through the door, I instantly spotted the familiar cherub face of my target. I walked over to his table and introduced myself.
"G'day Jack, Captain Jack told me to expect you". It didn't take long to be introduced to his brand of humour "But he should be called Captain Nathan cause Jack isn't captain anymore! Toot toot!"
"Jack Grimes is still co-captain" I corrected.
"Bit hard to captain from the sidelines! Toot toot!"
I dismissed these lame jokes and sat down at the table with him.
"Firstly, why meet here?" I asked.
"This is where I proposed to my woman" he informed me "In fact, we were sitting at this very table".
"The one who kicked you out after you pulled a knife on her?" I asked.
"It was her own fault for leaving the kitchen! Toot toot! I was handing her the knife so she could slice the roast beef for my dinner! Toot toot!"
It went without saying, but Ricky could do with some new material. Those jokes might have been funny when St Kilda's trophy cabinet was still bare (in before "what about wooden spoons" because everybody knows they belong in a draw! Toot toot!), but they were plain awful these days.
Changing the subject, I asked for his thoughts on the outcome of this weeks match.
"The mighty Saints will s**t it in against your club. But I feel sorry for you, so I'll give you 2 tickets to my show as consolation for the upcoming loss. Trust me Jack, my show is the 2nd funniest thing you'll see all year, behind watching your pathetic club play! Toot toot!"
It was time to put this delusional yesterday's hero in his place.
"You'll have to excuse me Ricky, but given that you threw a decent career as a manager away to chase some tail and given that you reckon you're God's gift to comedy, I really can't trust your judgment on this one".
Ricky's face turned a beetroot colour as he started ranting. "Listen here sunshine! I've recently banged two hot young girls, which is more than you're ever going to get because good luck finding a hot teen in this area who isn't already a single mum! Toot toot!"
He ran to the register, plonked down 50 tickets in front of the female cashier and said "Give these to the next 50 customers who walk through the door, would ya sugar ****! Toot toot!" leered down her partially unbuttoned shirt for a moment, then returned to my table stating "People love my comedy shows. In fact, I sold 50 tickets not even a minute ago, so you can suck my sword! Toot toot!"
"There is a difference between them laughing with you and at you" I stated matter-of-factly.
"Yes, because nobody laughs with your joke of a club! Toot toot! Now let me show you how good I am on stage!"
With that, he jumped behind the counter, snatched a headset off one of the workers and only just managed to get it onto his fat head. He then launched into his comedy routine
"Get on board the chicken train! Toot toot! Hello ladies and germs of Moe, I'm Ricky and I promise you a show that will make you piss your pants laughing! Last night I shot an elephant in my pajamas....but enough about Kim! Get it...shot! Toot toot! Hey you on table 3, your mum's so fat she thought the Macca's Dinner Box was a Snack Box! Toot toot! Hey I'm Mr T, I'll rip your utensil off with my arse! Toot toot! Why did James Hird cross the road? To get to the other 'tides! Toot toot! Take my wife please! Toot toot!"
During there was nothing. Even the crickets had gone quiet and the tumbleweeds refused to blow across the room.
"It sounds like a Melbourne Demons home game in here! Why aren't youse laughing?! Have youse got your moccasins on too tight?! Toot toot!"
One person wearing a St Kilda guernsey got up from his seat and I recognised him instantly - it was Clint Jones.
"Hey Ricky!" he heckled "If you reckon that's funny, wait until you see my act!"
Jones approached Nixon, pulled out a Zippo lighter and set fire to Nixon's tracky dacks. Nixon started screaming as his entire body was quickly engulfed in flames, and the entire restaurant erupted with laughter. The last thing I saw before leaving was the triumphant smile on Nixon's burning face as he finally received the laughs he was seeking.
Usually I would have helped, but I wouldn't piss on this prick, even if he was on fire.
I texted to Captain Jack: "MISSION ACCOMPLISHED. MELBOURNE BY 50 POINTS. TOOT TOOT."
