Dad jokes - add yours

[Samsquanch]

Don’t blame anybody for the road you’re on.

It’s your own asphalt

Thinking back to 1968 when I was in grade 2...

It was a stinking hot summer's day and myself and another kid were milk monitors. We had to get the crate of milk that had been sitting in the sun for half an hour to deliver it to the class to help us all develop strong bones.

As it was so hot we noticed that our shoes were sticking to the tarrey melting surface of the quadrangle.

As a bit of fun we wee banging our heels into the soft tar leaving nice indentations when who should come along but Miss Phillips, the new and very scary female mistress of the school.

She had a bit of an accent (which was unusual in the white bread rural community where I grew up).

She angrily asked what we were doing and I replied that our feet were sticking to the "bitchermen".

Well she went off her tree and screamed back that it isn't "bitchermen". It's "arse-felt"!!!

 

[Bertie22]

A man goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy. What do you think I should do?"
"Relax," says the Doctor, "take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry's bar?"

 

[gokangas]

A man walking along the street finds an old man sitting in the gutter crying.
Are you OK, he asks?
No - I'm not.
Whats the problem?
Well, I am 78 and I have a wife who is 24 and a bikini model. She walks around the house all day naked, puts on little sex shows for me, we have as much sex as I can cope with and she is a gourmet cook who prepares the most amazing meals.
So whats your problem, he asks.
I can't remember where I live.

 

[Samsquanch]

A man walking along the street finds an old man sitting in the gutter crying.
Are you OK, he asks?
No - I'm not.
Whats the problem?
Well, I am 78 and I have a wife who is 24 and a bikini model. She walks around the house all day naked, puts on little sex shows for me, we have as much sex as I can cope with and she is a gourmet cook who prepares the most amazing meals.
So whats your problem, he asks.
I can't remember where I live.

Happens to all of us. I've spent an hour looking for my car at least once this year.

And not in Southland car park either.

 

[andana]

A farmer takes his pig which appears to be sleeping to the vet. The vet checks the pig and determines it is dead and tells the farmer. The farmer asks for more tests so the vet brings in a dog which sniffs the pig and looks sad. The vet then brings in a cat which stares at the pig for five .minutes.

The vet says the pig is definitely dead and gives the farmer a bill for $1,000. Farmer says that's expensive. Vet says it was only $100 until you wanted a Lab report and a Cat scan

 

[roomagic1984]

My wife told me to go to the shops and get 6 cans of Sprite.


I picked 7 Up by mistake.

 

[Nylex]

Why didn’t the skeleton go to the party?
He had no body to go with

 

[krakouers]

 

[andana]

Why do francophones only eat one egg?

Because one egg is un oeuf.

 

[kool kangas]

I went for a drive and saw the singer Nick Cave, Nicolas Cage, and Nicholas Parsons.
It was the See Nick route.

 

[Samsquanch]

Two guys are away on a camping trip. Nature calls, and one of them goes off to use the long drop.

Soon after, nature calls to the second guy, so he also heads up to the dunny.

When he gets there, he sees his mate with a $50 in his hand, about to drop it down into the rather disgusting and smelly toilet pit. "What the blazes are you doing?" he asked his mate.

The first guy explained, "While I was doing my business just before, $10 fell out of my pocket. See?" He pointed into the darkness of the dunny.

The second guy peered down through the swarms of flies into the latrine, where he could indeed just make out the bright blue of a partially submerged Aussie tenner.

"Right," said the second guy, "I can see the ten dollars but I don't understand why dropping a 50 down there as well will help?"

"Well" said the first guy. "Would you go down there for just $10?"

 

[Samsquanch]

I lost my watch yesterday.

I can't tell you how long I spent looking for it.

 

[Samsquanch]

I'm reading a book about an immortal dog. It's impossible to put down.

 

[andana]

It's inappropriate to make a dad joke if you are not a dad.

It's a faux pa.

 

[big_e]

I was supposed to meet my date at the gym.

When she didn’t show, that’s when I knew we weren’t going to work out.

 

[Fat Jesus]

A seal walks into a club...

 

[Samsquanch]

A seal walks into a club...

Boom boom

 

[Samsquanch]

This reminds me of a joke about a guy hitchhiking...

 

[roomagic1984]

84% of people write “Congrats” because they don’t know how to spell Congrachulayshons

 

[andana]

What is white, round and laughs a lot?

A tickled onion.

 

[Bertie22]

Santa Claus has the right idea...visit people once a year!

 

[andana]

What do you call an elf who wins the lottery?


Welfy

 

[fnarr fnarr]

Bloke walks into a bar and orders two scotches, one with coke in a glass, and one straight shot. Barman asks if he wants them separate or both now. "Both now", says the customer... "one for me and one for my mate"
Barman looks around and sees no mate.. so the customer takes a man out of his top breast pocket. and places him in front of the shot. Four inches tall, but otherwise perfectly proportioned from head to toe. Barman is flabbergasted.
So the barman says "gonna drink that, is he?"
"Yep" says the customer. And the four inch man starts sipping at his scotch in a shot glass.
Barman asks him " so, this little geezer.. can he talk?"
"Sure can" says the customer. Then says to the little guy, "Hey Neil, tell him about the time we went to Africa and you called that witch doctor a w***er"

 

[Bertie22]

Don't ever give up! Moses was once a basket case.

 

[Samsquanch]

An unemployed Queensland guy sees an ad in the paper that says, "Photographer wanted for Gold Coast bikini company". Thinking he had nothing to lose by applying, the guy calls the number in the ad.

"Hello," he says. "I'm calling about the bikini photographer job ad. Is the job still open?"

"Yes," says the voice on the other line. "Our photographer died suddenly last week, and we're looking for a new one. Are you from the Goldie?"

"I am. I'm from Southport! I've been looking for a new job for a while, and this seems like it could be just the right job for me."

"Great! Are you married? Our models tend to get uncomfortable when they have pictures taken by married men."

"No, I'm single."

"Nice! Are you able to control yourself around women?"

"I am more than able!"

"Wonderful! Do you have a passport? We sometimes do shoots in exotic locations."

"I do have a passport!"

"Well I'm delighted to say that you are qualified for the job! How quickly can you get to Sydney?"

"Sydney?! I thought you were based on the Gold Coast."

"We are. Sydney is where the line for the interview is currently stretching to."