Dad jokes - add yours

[The Dingrel]

It’s a 10 minute walk from my house to the pub. It’s a 45 minute walk from the pub to my house. The difference is staggering.

 

[gokangas]

I hired a handyman to do a few jobs. I said I need some painting. Don't paint, he said. I need some gardening done,. I don't do gardening. What about some cleaning? I don't do cleaning. I thought you were a handyman. I am, he said. I just live around the corner.

 

[gokangas]

I hired a handyman to do a few things. Gave him a list of 8 tasks. When I got back home he had only done 1, 3, 5 and 7. Turns out I had hired an odd job man.

 

[gokangas]

The inventor of the innuendo has died. His wife is taking it really hard.

 

[kool kangas]

 

[SonofSamsquanch]

It was here or in the Grumpy Old thread. Not sure where is best.

 

[Rod Stroker]

 

[kool kangas]

 

[gokangas]

A woman with a salad walked past me in a restaurant as I was eating a burger. You know a cow died so that you could eat that, she said. I replied if you weren't eating its dinner right now it may have survived.

 

[blackshadow]

Met this woman who's into kinky stuff with fruit and water sports.

We went on a date.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

 

[kool kangas]

 

[Bertie22]

Two Irish men are looking through a catalogue.
Paddy says, " Look at these gorgeous women! The prices are reasonable too!"
Mick agrees, "I am ordering one of those right now!"
Three weeks later, Paddy says to Mick, "Has your woman turned up yet?"
"No," says Mick, "but it should be any time now. Her clothes turned up yesterday!"

 

[gokangas]

Three of the hardest things for people to say. I'm sorry, I'm wrong and Worcestershire Sauce.

 

[kool kangas]

 

[Bertie22]

Laughing at your mistakes can lengthen your life.
Laughing at your wife's mistakes can shorten it.

 

[Bertie22]

When a man says he will do anything for a woman, he means he will fight bad guys and slay dragons. He doesn't mean he will do the dishes and the vacuuming.

 

[chairo]

Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.

VanDamme: I’ll be Mozart.

Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys I’m not saying it.

 

[ferball]

That's very good.

 

[SonofSamsquanch]

 

[SonofSamsquanch]

 

[SonofSamsquanch]

 

[DocSholl]

I called the suppository assistance line just before. Can't believe how rude they were.

 

[Skarrz]

I hired a handyman to do a few jobs. I said I need some painting. Don't paint, he said. I need some gardening done,. I don't do gardening. What about some cleaning? I don't do cleaning. I thought you were a handyman. I am, he said. I just live around the corner.

I don’t get it

 

[kool kangas]

 

[SpiderBurton22]

Why did the baker have brown hands?

Because he needed a poo.