Dad jokes - add yours

[Nate7]

Vet told me, "people who sleep with their pets often get diseases".
I said, "it's ok, I wear condoms".

 

[kool kangas]

 

[gokangas]

A cop knocked on my door.
I'm afraid your wife has been in a serious accident.
How is she, I asked.
Rather critical, he said.
Typical I said, whats she whinging about now?

 

[big_e]

 

[krakouers]

 

[krakouers]

 

[gokangas]

I have it on good authority that someone broke into the Kremlin in Moscow and stole next years election results.

 

[fnarr fnarr]

A dwarf knocked on my door this morning. I'm guessing he stood about 3 ft 3 inches.
When I asked "who are you?", he said "I'm the meter man"

 

[fnarr fnarr]

Not sure if I've told this one before...

Bloke hears a knock at his door, and goes to answer it. Sees nobody, then looks down and sees a snail in its shell. Bloke picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can, maybe 30 metres.
3 months later, same bloke hears a knock at his door, sees nobody, then looks down and sees a snail in its shell. Snail says "hey mate, what the f*** was that about?"

 

[Nate7]

What's the difference between a catholic priest and a pimple?

A pimple doesn't come on your face until at least the age of 12.

 

[fnarr fnarr]

In the same vein as Nate7's joke... what's the difference between a chick pea and a lentil?

I've never had a lentil on my face.

 

[fnarr fnarr]

.

 

[Samsquanch]

 

[Del191229]

God decides humanity has had it and he's going to end the world in 24 hours time.

He tells this to a Frenchman, and Italian and a Russian.

"What will you do with your last day on Earth?" God asks the Frenchman.

"Mon Dieu, I shall make love to mistress then drink champagne until the end comes."

Fair enough says God, and to the Italian, what about you.

"I am not like this French savage, I will go and make love to my wife, and then my mistress, and go home to my family to have one last magnificent bowl of Mama's pasta."

God turns to the Russian, what about you?

"World is going to end tomorrow?" asks the Russian distrustfully.

"Yes," says God, "How will you spend your last day on Earth.

Says the Russian: "Well I've never liked my prick of a neighbour, I'm gunna go and burn his house down."

 

[kool kangas]

 

[DarwinRoo]

I had unprotected sex with an Essendon supporter and I got Hep L

 

[krakouers]

 

[Samsquanch]

 

[gokangas]

They spelt my dad's name wrong on his tombstone. I thought 'thats a grave mistake'.

 

[MrsBlueSky]

Not sure if I've told this one before...

Bloke hears a knock at his door, and goes to answer it. Sees nobody, then looks down and sees a snail in its shell. Bloke picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can, maybe 30 metres.
3 months later, same bloke hears a knock at his door, sees nobody, then looks down and sees a snail in its shell. Snail says "hey mate, what the f*** was that about?"

Or the snail that says to the other snail: "Will you see who's at the door".
After 30 minutes the snail says "Well, who's at the door?"
"Give me time, I haven't got there yet."

 

[Bertie22]

Fellow takes his wife to a disco. There's a bloke on the dance floor break dancing, moonwalking, backflips, the works.

Wife turns to the husband and says, "See that bloke over there? Twenty five years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down!"

Husband replies, "Looks like he's still celebrating."

 

[Bertie22]

 

[kool kangas]

My wife told me that women are better at multitasking than men.
So l told her to sit down and be quiet.
She couldn't do either...

 

[kool kangas]

My daughter just text me saying that she's having twins.
All l said was " finally two kids from the same guy"
She blocked me on everything..

 

[Nate7]

Why was Boy George banned from the lizard enclosure?

Because he karma karma karmed on the chameleon.