Joke Thread

[oxx]

Q) What does a stripper do with her arseh*le before she goes to work ?

A) Drops him off at band practice.

LMAOO

 

[roo_stew]

Q) Why didn't Ken and Barbie have kids?

A) Ken cums in a seperate box

 

[Harvey Leadpipe]

Q. How many police officers does it take to push a black man down a flight of stairs?

A. None. He fell!

 

[oxx]

...

 

[Thrice3]

Q: What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?
A: "Wheres my Tractor?"

 

[oxx]

u idiot caster

 

[Thrice3]

u idiot caster

I have more.
Q: What did Batman say to Robin when they were getting into the car?
A: Get in the car Robin

 

[IDGAF]

Newstory : Reuters

This weeks Billabong surf classic was taken out in controversial circumstances this week by an un-named Indonesian on a dressing cabinet

 

[jake]

This one is a bit long winded but good...

------------------------------------------------

A man went to a urologist and told him that he was having a problem and that he was unable to get his penis erect. After a complete exam the doctor told the man that the muscles around the base of his penis were damaged from a prior viral infection and there was nothing he could do for him.

However, he knew of an experimental treatment that might work, if he were willing to take the risk. The treatment consisted of implanting muscle tissue from an elephant's trunk in the man's penis.

The man thought about it for a while. The thought of going through life without ever experiencing sex again was just too much for him to bear. So, with the assurance that there would be no cruelty or adverse effect on the elephant, the man decided to go for it. A few weeks after the operation, he was given the green light to use his newly renovated equipment.

As a result, he planned a romantic evening with his girlfriend and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in the city. However, in the middle of dinner he felt a stirring between his legs that continued to the point of being extremely painful. To release the pressure, he unzipped his fly and immediately his penis sprang from his pants, went to the top of the table, grabbed a roll, then returned to his pants.

His girlfriend was stunned at first, but then with a sly smile on her face said: "That was incredible. Can you do that again?"

With his eyes watering, he replied: "I think I can, but I'm not sure if I can fit another roll up my ar$e."

 

[roo_stew]

An oldie but goodie...

THE PERFECT DAY FOR HER
. 8:15 Wake up to hugs and kisses
. 8:30 Weigh in 2 pounds lighter than yesterday
. 8:45 Breakfast in bed, freshly squeezed orange juice and croissants; open presents - expensive jewelry chosen by thoughtful partner
. 9:15 Soothing hot bath with frangipani bath oil
. 10:00 Light work out at club with sexy funny personal trainer
.. 10:30 Facial, manicure, shampoo, condition, blow dry
.. 12:00 Lunch with best friend at fashionable outdoor cafe
.. 12:45 Catch sight of partner's ex and notice she has gained 17 Pounds
.. 1:00 Shopping with friends, unlimited credit
.. 3:00 Nap
.. 4:00 Three dozen roses delivered by florist, card is from secret
admirer
. 4:15 Light work out at club, followed by massage from strong but
gentle hunk, who says he rarely gets to work on such a perfect body
. 5:30 Choose outfit from expensive designer wardrobe, parade before
full length mirror
. 7:30 Candle lit dinner for two followed by dancing, with compliments
received from other diners/dancers
. 10:00 Hot shower (alone)
. 10:50 Carried to bed . . . (freshly ironed, crisp, new, White linen)
. 11:00 Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling
. 11:15 Fall asleep in his big strong arms


THE PERFECT DAY FOR HIM
.. 6:00 Alarm
.. 6:15 Blow job
.. 6:30 Massive satisfying ******** while reading the sports section
.. 7:00 Breakfast: steak and eggs, coffee and toast, all cooked by
naked, buxom wench who bends over a lot showing her growler
.. 7:30 Limo arrives
.. 7:45 Several beers en-route to airport
.. 9:15 Flight in personal Lear Jet
.. 9:30 Limo to Mirage Resort Golf Club (blow job en-route)
.. 9:45 Play front nine - 2 under
. 11:45 Lunch: steak and lobster, 3 beers and a bottle of Dom Perignon
. 12:15 Blow job
. 12:30 Play back nine - 4 under
12.45 Fly home
. 2:15 Limo to the G (several Crown Lagers)
. 2:30 Ushered to your seat in your private box
. 3:30 Halftime blow job
4:30 Richmond over Essendon by 101 points, Richo bags a lazy 10
5.00 Limo home, massage and hand job by naked Elle McPherson (bending
over, naturally).
. 6:45 ********, Shower and Shave
. 7:00 Watch news: Michael Jackson assassinated
. 7:30 Dinner: lobster appetizers, Grange (1953), big juicy
fillet steak followed by Ice-cream served on a big pair of ****
.. 9:00 Napoleon Brandy and Habanos cigar in front of wall-size TV as
you watch football replays
.. 9:30 Sex with three women (all with lesbian tendencies...some
bending over)
. 11:00 Massage and Jacuzzi with tasty pizza snacks and a cleansing
beer
. 11:30 A night cap blow job
. 11:45 In bed alone
. 11:50 A 22 second fart which changes note 4 times and forces the dog
to leave the room
. 11:51 Laugh yourself to sleep

 

[itsintheblood]

Great answering machine message.

"If you want marijuana, press the hash key"

 

[Lenny*]

Whats worse then getting r*ped by Jack the ripper?

Being fingered by captain hook.

 

[Thrice3]

Collingwood.

 

[Darth_Tiger]

St. Peter has to get something important done and needs someone to watch the gates of heaven while he is gone. reluctantly God agrees to watch the gate for 10 minutes. a man comes to that gate and God asks him 'what was your fathers name?' the man replys 'my father was Joseph'. God then asks 'what was your mothers name?' the man answers 'Mary'. God raises his eyebrows and asks him 'did you have nails through your hands and feet?' the man replys that yes he did.

'Jesus my son!' God says to the man with outstretched arms.
the man says 'Um no, sorry my name is Pinocchio'.

 

[starkravenmad2]

why did the deaf blonde sit on the newspaper?
she was lip reading ....lol

 

[TIOGAR]

An Australian man has been arrested at the airport in Bali wearing nothing but his speedos. He is charged with budgie smuggling.

 

[Tigerrific]

Once upon a time a man asked a woman to marry him.

The woman said "no" and the man lived happily ever after

 

[lucas_hsv]

There's 2 turtles in a bath tub

One turtle says "Hey, could you pass the soap?"

The other replies "What do i look like, a f*cking radio?"

 

[Lozberg]

Why don't blind people go sky diving?

It scares the ******** out of their dogs!

 

[Crumden]

A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer. After sizing him up and down, the barman replies: "Sorry, we don't serve food here".

 

[Crumden]

An egg was laying back on the bed smoking a cigarette. Meanwhile, the chicken is sitting on the edge of the bed with a frustrated expression and mutters: "Well, that answers that age old question".

 

[Tigerrific]

An elephant asks a camel :"why are your breasts on your back ?"
" Well "says the camel, "I think it is a strange question from somebody who's d*ck is on his face"

 

[Rodney Dangerfield]

A man goes down on his wife and comes upsaying gee whats that smell? Arthritis,she says. What,arthritis in your c***!No she says.Its in my shoulder and i haven't been able to wipe my ass for 3 weeks.

 

[Rodney Dangerfield]

Man says to his missus,f*** your ass is the size of a 3 burner bbq.Later in bed he asks for a bit. No point lighting a bbq for half a f***ing sausage she says.

 

[Bentleigh]

starkravenmad2 =