Lame Jokes Part 2

[DREAM TEAM BUFF]

How many Microsoft support engineers does it take to change a light bulb?

None. Their light bulbs are working just fine so yours must be OK too.

 

[DREAM TEAM BUFF]

A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks.... "Why the long face??"

"You are playing stupid huh, because you are winning right now!"

I once had a goldfish that would hump the carpet but only for about 30 seconds..

 

[DREAM TEAM BUFF]

My girlfriend told me that I sometimes treat her like a child. I didn't know how to react...

So I gave her a sticker for standing up for herself.!

 

[DREAM TEAM BUFF]

The word of the day is legs. Let's go back to your place and spread the word.

 

[DREAM TEAM BUFF]

And Englishman a Scotsman and an Irishman walk into a bar..

The bartender says : Is this some kind of joke?

 

[DREAM TEAM BUFF]

They all laughed at me when I said I was going to become a comedian!, well their not laughing now

 

[raskolnikov]

Apparently Oscar Pistorious went to court and pled not guilty. However the judge told him that he didn't have a leg to stand on.

 

[DREAM TEAM BUFF]

How do you know when a woman's about to say something smart?

When she starts her sentence with , "A man once told me... "

 

[DREAM TEAM BUFF]

I quit my job at the helium gas factory... I refuse to be spoken to in that tone

 

[DREAM TEAM BUFF]

What do you call two guys without arms or legs hanging on a wall?

Curt and Rod.

 

[MightyMark]

Someone thew a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.

Luckily, I didn't sustain any super-fish-oil injuries.

That's terrible.

 

[DREAM TEAM BUFF]

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said Where am I Kathy?
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan.

 

[DREAM TEAM BUFF]

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

 

[DREAM TEAM BUFF]

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No I just lie there.

 

[DREAM TEAM BUFF]

ATTORNEY: This Myasthenia Gravis, does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: Yes
ATTORNEY: And in what way does it affect your memory
WITNESS I forget
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give an example of something you forgot?

 

[DREAM TEAM BUFF]

ATTORNEY: Now Dr, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the Bar exam?

 

[worbod]

Earl and Bubba are quietly sitting in a boat fishing, chewing tobacco and drinking beer when suddenly Bubba says, "Think I'm gonna divorce the wife - she ain't spoke to me in over two months."
Earl spits overboard, takes a long, slow sip of beer and says, "Better think it over.......women like that are hard to find."

 

[DREAM TEAM BUFF]

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20 year old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ

 

[DREAM TEAM BUFF]

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your photo was taken?
WITNESS: Are you kidding me?

 

[DREAM TEAM BUFF]

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes
ATTORNEY And what were you doing at the time?
WITNESS: I was getting laid sir.

 

[DREAM TEAM BUFF]

ATTORNEY: She had 3 children right?
WITNESS: Yes
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honour, I think I need a new Attorney. Can I get a new Attorney?

 

[DREAM TEAM BUFF]

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Guess

 

[Bomber32]

How do you tell an introverted computer scientist from an extroverted one?

The extroverted one looks at your shoes while talking.

 

[Bomber32]

What green and runs around your garden?

A hedge.

 

[Bomber32]

A plumber divorcing his wife turns round and said it's all over Flo.