Drugs Are Bad Mackay?
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- #1
I know what you’re thinking; what sort of self-indulgent thread have I stumbled into? What sort of self-aggrandising, ego maniac devotes an entire thread to a ‘best of’ of his own posts?
It’s a fair observation.
You’re thinking: the transcripts were just a rip off of Expect ToWin’s threads on the Port board with some Billy Birmingham thrown in for good measure. And they weren’t that funny anyway.
All true.
You’re thinking; Carl is probably just stuck for ideas so is just stalling for time rather than coming up with something new, sort of like a Simpsons clip show.
Also true.
But I’m forging ahead with the thread anyway. Partly to reminisce on the season and to document what was the year from hell. Also to put the transcripts together in the same place. Or, at the very least, to laugh at Neil one more time.
Around the time of our fifth consecutive loss, the realization hit home that we weren’t just having a bad patch. We actually stunk. As the losses, injuries, laughable goal kicking and club-imposed suspensions mounted, all we could do was laugh. We had to. What else could we do?
The first transcript was based on a selection meeting, appropriately tucked away in a selection thread (Post #77). We had a long injury list but Neil went to great lengths to make sure we didn’t use our injuries as an excuse.
An ongoing theme was Neil’s frustration at being lumped with Ben Hart and Matthew Clarke – two assistant coaches who were out of their depth and offered little help. This mostly stemmed from Hart’s brief post-halftime interview one game when we were getting absolutely pulverized and all he could come up with was “we don’t think we should change anything.” Plus Clarke’s docile, nice-guy nature.
This first transcript also was the start of the Craig-Walker dynamic which became more prominent later on.
The first transcript also introduced another recurring theme: Neil’s Jokes. We always hear from the club about how funny Neil is and what a wicked sense of humour he has... but to be honest I can’t remember him cracking too many gags in his press conferences.
The first transcript was quite fun to write and received some positive feedback so, one Showdown loss later, No. 2 arrived. At the time there was a fair bit of debate on this board about the age of our list and whether we should be playing more youngsters.
Neil’s jokes got another run and it was becoming increasingly obvious that Mark Bickley was his Number 1 fan.
Neil shows admirable restraint and control as a coach but we saw glimpses in his press conferences (“Do you know what our team would look like without them?”) that if the right buttons were pushed he could react.
The season rolled on. The losses rolled on. The pressure started to mount on Neil and the third transcript arrived. Neil also received quite a bit of criticism when he described Burton’s form as “solid” after a series of diabolically bad performances.
Neil’s frustrations were beginning to build as our ‘top four’ assault was going up in smoke. It was only natural that he would start to feel he had been let down by those around him.
Channeling Malcolm Blight didn’t quite have the desired effect.
Someone copied this transcript and sent it round as an email. It ended up lobbing in The Advertiser offices and the above exchange got a run in Rucci’s Roast.
Walker was still out of the team at this stage which was creating quite a bit of angst among supporters. Neil was determined to stick to his guns though.
The club had earmarked top four as a target in 2010 but at 0-5 our plans were in freefall. Flights and hotel bookings in September had to be cancelled, the club champion night had to be rescheduled and by the fourth transcript, Neil was beginning to think that everyone except him had given up.
The fourth transcript also saw the introduction of media spin doctor David Burtenshaw, charged with protecting the image of the club against a backdrop of on-field turmoil. He had plenty of advice for Neil, not all of it well received.
At 0-6 things had reached crisis point. The season was gone and it all got a bit much for Neil. The fifth transcript detailed his mental breakdown. Bicks of course remained a true believer.
The Walker issue still wouldn’t go away. He was still in the SANFL and Neil had had a gut full.
The old players were popular candidates to be dropped and it was up to Neil to fight against the tide of criticism on their behalf.
After weeks and weeks of admirable restraint from Neil, in the end it was forgotten small forward Jarrhan Jacky who was the straw that broke the camel’s back and triggered his meltdown.
After five transcripts it was getting hard not to repeat the same stuff. It was time to branch out. Next up was a live-action, web-based Q+A show called “Crows On The Couch” where fans could email in questions. Neil teamed up with Brent Reilly and Richard Douglas. This was first time players had been introduced into the mix.
The senior players had flexed their muscle and altered our match-eve training sessions and the deck chairs were well and truly being shuffled. It’s tough for me to judge given that I’m usually a little too close to the ‘joke’ to be subjective, but I thought this was the best of the transcripts. I’m not sure if it was the coach-player dynamics or just because Gary Ayers made an appearance, but it struck a chord with me.
Of course, it wouldn’t have been a transcript without a Walker-Craig moment.
It dawned on me during the ‘Reilly: Training Is Boring Saga’ that what the club was producing was far funnier than any fiction I could come up with. This was an illuminating moment as I realized I didn’t have to create any funny ideas or situations, I could simply use a ‘fly on the wall’ approach to document what was probably happening at the time.
After this transcript, something unexpected happened; we won a game. It threw me completely. How would a win affect the environment at the club? I hid the ensuing transcript away in a Face Off thread (Post #23) while I regrouped. Neil was understandably upbeat after the win and thought it had bought him some breathing space. The Board didn’t agree.
Wins were at a premium.
At 0-6 our decision not to trade at the end of 2009 was looking a little misguided.
If we thought the season couldn’t get any worse, we were wrong. A pathetic loss to North Melbourne was followed by the news that three players had been suspended for breaking team rules. Post #102 in the Brisbane match selection thread.
Every day it seems as though some former Crow has a role at the football club invented for them.
There were whispers for two years that Viney and Craig didn’t exactly see eye to eye. I don’t think anyone was surprised when Viney moved on at the end of the season. Trouble had been brewing for a while.
I’ve never really written anything before. Around this time I was experiencing the equivalent of ‘writer’s block’ – the lines didn’t come quite as easy and I found myself repeating the same gags.
The transcript series also suffered a couple of major body blows. First, I finished my annual leave and had to go back to work. Second, we were about to start winning some games which was comedy poison. Just when I was scratching around for ideas though, Tyson Edwards came along and answered my prayers.
It was an amazing couple of days. First Edwards was dropped, then he retired, then he wasn’t getting a farewell game but the next day he was. It reeked of amateur hour with a fair bit of petulance and stubbornness (from both parties) thrown in.
The second segment of “Crows On The Couch” didn’t really work. The idea was to pair up Stephen Trigg and Neil Craig and have fans email in suggestions about how to turn the team’s fortunes around.
Trigg and Craig always seem to get on together so well, it seemed like a perfect match up with some dark humour on offer, as they couldn’t help but laugh at the dire situation they were in. The idea was ok but it needed a bit more work.
Even though the transcript didn’t really click, there was still the opportunity to lampoon a few old favourites.
The pressure continued to mount. Neil seemed in denial about the state we were in and couldn’t understand what all the fuss was about.
It finally started to dawn on Neil that he was in some trouble. Stephen Trigg ran him through the Seven Phases of a Coach Sacking and panic began to set in.
The second coach-player transcript centered around some self-analysis and team building workshop activities Neil did with Jaensch, Walker, Bock and Porplyzia. Needless to say it didn’t quite go as planned and the players were particularly sensitive to the open and honest feedback they received. Even quite simple tasks like writing a single work to describe a team mate caused friction.
Focusing on their team mates’ strengths and weaknesses fared no better.
Far from providing any sort of self-reflection for the players, Neil found most of the feedback being directed his way.
The club has continually professed the need for consistency. It’s almost as though they’d rather be consistent than even win a premiership.
In a difficult season, it was important for the club to promote a positive image.
While the deck chairs were being shuffled, Neil stumbled on a little gem with his coaching from the interchange bench.
Neil coaching from the boundary opened up the opportunity for communication difficulties between the box and the bench. To make things even trickier, the assistant coaches had come up with a code-name system. Viney was doing it to take the piss out of Neil. Neil didn’t have time to argue so was forced to go along with it. Bicks on the other hand just thought having a code name was cool.
The interchange bench exchange happened around the time of the Geelong game, without question the high point of our season (apart from the final siren in Round 22). The unexpected win put finals fairly and squarely back on the agenda. All of a sudden, Neil was The Man again. Stephen Trigg and David Burtenshaw perhaps went a little bit overboard with their plans to cash in on Neil’s popularity.
The following fixture against Port gave us the chance to really ignite our season and score a win over our main rival.
The idea of a pressed him presented some logistical problems.
And that was it. Our season petered out following the Showdown loss and the transcripts were done. Will they be back next season? Not sure. Mostly they were a way for me to procrastinate and put off all the important stuff I was meant to be doing, so chances are they’ll get another run at some stage.
Thanks to those who read them.
[/self indulgence]
It’s a fair observation.
You’re thinking: the transcripts were just a rip off of Expect ToWin’s threads on the Port board with some Billy Birmingham thrown in for good measure. And they weren’t that funny anyway.
All true.
You’re thinking; Carl is probably just stuck for ideas so is just stalling for time rather than coming up with something new, sort of like a Simpsons clip show.
Also true.
But I’m forging ahead with the thread anyway. Partly to reminisce on the season and to document what was the year from hell. Also to put the transcripts together in the same place. Or, at the very least, to laugh at Neil one more time.
Around the time of our fifth consecutive loss, the realization hit home that we weren’t just having a bad patch. We actually stunk. As the losses, injuries, laughable goal kicking and club-imposed suspensions mounted, all we could do was laugh. We had to. What else could we do?
The first transcript was based on a selection meeting, appropriately tucked away in a selection thread (Post #77). We had a long injury list but Neil went to great lengths to make sure we didn’t use our injuries as an excuse.
An ongoing theme was Neil’s frustration at being lumped with Ben Hart and Matthew Clarke – two assistant coaches who were out of their depth and offered little help. This mostly stemmed from Hart’s brief post-halftime interview one game when we were getting absolutely pulverized and all he could come up with was “we don’t think we should change anything.” Plus Clarke’s docile, nice-guy nature.
This first transcript also was the start of the Craig-Walker dynamic which became more prominent later on.
The first transcript also introduced another recurring theme: Neil’s Jokes. We always hear from the club about how funny Neil is and what a wicked sense of humour he has... but to be honest I can’t remember him cracking too many gags in his press conferences.
The first transcript was quite fun to write and received some positive feedback so, one Showdown loss later, No. 2 arrived. At the time there was a fair bit of debate on this board about the age of our list and whether we should be playing more youngsters.
Neil’s jokes got another run and it was becoming increasingly obvious that Mark Bickley was his Number 1 fan.
Neil shows admirable restraint and control as a coach but we saw glimpses in his press conferences (“Do you know what our team would look like without them?”) that if the right buttons were pushed he could react.
The season rolled on. The losses rolled on. The pressure started to mount on Neil and the third transcript arrived. Neil also received quite a bit of criticism when he described Burton’s form as “solid” after a series of diabolically bad performances.
Neil’s frustrations were beginning to build as our ‘top four’ assault was going up in smoke. It was only natural that he would start to feel he had been let down by those around him.
Channeling Malcolm Blight didn’t quite have the desired effect.
Someone copied this transcript and sent it round as an email. It ended up lobbing in The Advertiser offices and the above exchange got a run in Rucci’s Roast.
Walker was still out of the team at this stage which was creating quite a bit of angst among supporters. Neil was determined to stick to his guns though.
The club had earmarked top four as a target in 2010 but at 0-5 our plans were in freefall. Flights and hotel bookings in September had to be cancelled, the club champion night had to be rescheduled and by the fourth transcript, Neil was beginning to think that everyone except him had given up.
The fourth transcript also saw the introduction of media spin doctor David Burtenshaw, charged with protecting the image of the club against a backdrop of on-field turmoil. He had plenty of advice for Neil, not all of it well received.
At 0-6 things had reached crisis point. The season was gone and it all got a bit much for Neil. The fifth transcript detailed his mental breakdown. Bicks of course remained a true believer.
The Walker issue still wouldn’t go away. He was still in the SANFL and Neil had had a gut full.
The old players were popular candidates to be dropped and it was up to Neil to fight against the tide of criticism on their behalf.
After weeks and weeks of admirable restraint from Neil, in the end it was forgotten small forward Jarrhan Jacky who was the straw that broke the camel’s back and triggered his meltdown.
After five transcripts it was getting hard not to repeat the same stuff. It was time to branch out. Next up was a live-action, web-based Q+A show called “Crows On The Couch” where fans could email in questions. Neil teamed up with Brent Reilly and Richard Douglas. This was first time players had been introduced into the mix.
The senior players had flexed their muscle and altered our match-eve training sessions and the deck chairs were well and truly being shuffled. It’s tough for me to judge given that I’m usually a little too close to the ‘joke’ to be subjective, but I thought this was the best of the transcripts. I’m not sure if it was the coach-player dynamics or just because Gary Ayers made an appearance, but it struck a chord with me.
Of course, it wouldn’t have been a transcript without a Walker-Craig moment.
It dawned on me during the ‘Reilly: Training Is Boring Saga’ that what the club was producing was far funnier than any fiction I could come up with. This was an illuminating moment as I realized I didn’t have to create any funny ideas or situations, I could simply use a ‘fly on the wall’ approach to document what was probably happening at the time.
After this transcript, something unexpected happened; we won a game. It threw me completely. How would a win affect the environment at the club? I hid the ensuing transcript away in a Face Off thread (Post #23) while I regrouped. Neil was understandably upbeat after the win and thought it had bought him some breathing space. The Board didn’t agree.
Wins were at a premium.
At 0-6 our decision not to trade at the end of 2009 was looking a little misguided.
If we thought the season couldn’t get any worse, we were wrong. A pathetic loss to North Melbourne was followed by the news that three players had been suspended for breaking team rules. Post #102 in the Brisbane match selection thread.
Every day it seems as though some former Crow has a role at the football club invented for them.
There were whispers for two years that Viney and Craig didn’t exactly see eye to eye. I don’t think anyone was surprised when Viney moved on at the end of the season. Trouble had been brewing for a while.
I’ve never really written anything before. Around this time I was experiencing the equivalent of ‘writer’s block’ – the lines didn’t come quite as easy and I found myself repeating the same gags.
The transcript series also suffered a couple of major body blows. First, I finished my annual leave and had to go back to work. Second, we were about to start winning some games which was comedy poison. Just when I was scratching around for ideas though, Tyson Edwards came along and answered my prayers.
It was an amazing couple of days. First Edwards was dropped, then he retired, then he wasn’t getting a farewell game but the next day he was. It reeked of amateur hour with a fair bit of petulance and stubbornness (from both parties) thrown in.
The second segment of “Crows On The Couch” didn’t really work. The idea was to pair up Stephen Trigg and Neil Craig and have fans email in suggestions about how to turn the team’s fortunes around.
Trigg and Craig always seem to get on together so well, it seemed like a perfect match up with some dark humour on offer, as they couldn’t help but laugh at the dire situation they were in. The idea was ok but it needed a bit more work.
Even though the transcript didn’t really click, there was still the opportunity to lampoon a few old favourites.
The pressure continued to mount. Neil seemed in denial about the state we were in and couldn’t understand what all the fuss was about.
It finally started to dawn on Neil that he was in some trouble. Stephen Trigg ran him through the Seven Phases of a Coach Sacking and panic began to set in.
The second coach-player transcript centered around some self-analysis and team building workshop activities Neil did with Jaensch, Walker, Bock and Porplyzia. Needless to say it didn’t quite go as planned and the players were particularly sensitive to the open and honest feedback they received. Even quite simple tasks like writing a single work to describe a team mate caused friction.
Focusing on their team mates’ strengths and weaknesses fared no better.
Far from providing any sort of self-reflection for the players, Neil found most of the feedback being directed his way.
The club has continually professed the need for consistency. It’s almost as though they’d rather be consistent than even win a premiership.
In a difficult season, it was important for the club to promote a positive image.
While the deck chairs were being shuffled, Neil stumbled on a little gem with his coaching from the interchange bench.
Neil coaching from the boundary opened up the opportunity for communication difficulties between the box and the bench. To make things even trickier, the assistant coaches had come up with a code-name system. Viney was doing it to take the piss out of Neil. Neil didn’t have time to argue so was forced to go along with it. Bicks on the other hand just thought having a code name was cool.
The interchange bench exchange happened around the time of the Geelong game, without question the high point of our season (apart from the final siren in Round 22). The unexpected win put finals fairly and squarely back on the agenda. All of a sudden, Neil was The Man again. Stephen Trigg and David Burtenshaw perhaps went a little bit overboard with their plans to cash in on Neil’s popularity.
The following fixture against Port gave us the chance to really ignite our season and score a win over our main rival.
The idea of a pressed him presented some logistical problems.
And that was it. Our season petered out following the Showdown loss and the transcripts were done. Will they be back next season? Not sure. Mostly they were a way for me to procrastinate and put off all the important stuff I was meant to be doing, so chances are they’ll get another run at some stage.
Thanks to those who read them.
[/self indulgence]
