Hey baybes. As I’m sure you’re all aware, the mighty Hawks are currently on their inexorable rise to another dynasty. But in all honesty, that might be several months away and we’re a bit rubbish at the moment.
And it got me thinking: who’d make our all-time* spud team? But more than that: would our spud team be so spudly that it would lose to everyone else’s spud team?
Creating this team was a challenge I took on with alacrity for about half an hour. But I think it’s a winner (loser). A few highlights:
Play starts at the bounce, where Simon Crawshay will be easily outpointed by whoever your ruckman is. Doesn’t really matter. He’s no better around the ground, with a footy brain matched only by his physique.
If the ball hits the deck rather than being put down your mids’ throats, it’s ready to be overrun and fumbled by a devastating combination of Brett ‘Pagan-era Carlton’ Johnson, Jono ‘apparently number two draft pick’ O’Rourke and our captain, Rayden ‘163 mystifying games’ Tallis. If one of them falls on the ball and manages to get it out, our wing combination of Phil ‘who?’ Murton and Greg ‘even less attractive than the suburb’ Whittlesea comes into the game. If we’re in real strife, we might throw the ever-dangerous (to us) Scott Crow into the mix. And the depth doesn’t end there.
Look, it’s unlikely, but maybe your midfield is so disastrous we get it forward, where the all-time weakest full-forward line awaits to run in the opposite direction at a pace that would embarrass Cale Morton. On their day, Leon ‘celebrate a goal when getting flogged’ Higgins, Simon ‘plays like his surname’ Minton-Connell and Alex ‘high draft pick before draft camps existed’ McDonald struck fear into the hearts of absolutely no defenders across several glorious years. A special shout-out here to Shayne Stevenson. Gutsy player who should be remembered for playing out a game and even kicking a goal with a busted ankle because we had nobody on the bench. But he will live in my memory for being the only player I’ve ever seen try to mark the ball with his hands a metre apart and let it hit him in the forehead. THE BALL’S ONLY THIS BIG SHAYNE!
I haven’t even got to the critical CHF yet, which was a tough call between Tim ‘no, there was a footy player with the same name’ Allen and Jason ‘I think he played OK once against Essendon. Pretty sure he got a goal’ Taylor. That goal probably sealed Timmy’s fate, and here he is, surrounded by the likes of Mark ‘delisted by Fitzroy’ Bunn and Ricky (I’m not even going to put a nickname here. Seriously, wtf) Nixon.
Inevitably, the pill will make its way into your forward line, where the crème de la crème of your key forward crop will be challenged by Jonathan ‘no, his brother’ Robran and Jarrad ‘dickhead policy’ Boumann, ‘ably’ assisted by the likes of Darren ‘best clubman’ Baxter and Austin McCrabb, known for his practical jokes but none were better than somehow getting a trade to Hawthorn. But the real half-back hero has to be Barry ‘*******’ Young, who played 13 inexplicable games for us, a number coincidentally 13 higher than the number of targets he hit. Nobody’s bringing it out of there except the field umpire.
Anyway, here they are in all their roasted, crispy-skinned glory.
B: Austin McCrabb, Jonathan Robran, Jon Hassall
HB: Darren Baxter, Jarrad Boumann, Barry Young
C: Phil Murton, Brett Johnson, Greg Whittlesea
HF: Mark Bunn, Tim Allen, Ricky Nixon
F: Leon Higgins, Simon Minton-Connell, Alex McDonald
R: Simon Crawshay, Jono O’Rourke, Rayden Tallis
IC: Scott Crow, Shayne Stevenson, Nathan Lonie, Mitch Hallahan, Sam Grimley, FFS there are even more
So what do you say? Do these grade A potatoes make the cut? Can your club bring a team that could lose to them? Take the challenge! I look forward to reading your attempts and thinking, ‘Oh, that guy’.
* All-time = when I’ve seen most of my footy. And it’s weighted towards the 90s, as it really was an extended period of un-Hawthornness.
And it got me thinking: who’d make our all-time* spud team? But more than that: would our spud team be so spudly that it would lose to everyone else’s spud team?
Creating this team was a challenge I took on with alacrity for about half an hour. But I think it’s a winner (loser). A few highlights:
Play starts at the bounce, where Simon Crawshay will be easily outpointed by whoever your ruckman is. Doesn’t really matter. He’s no better around the ground, with a footy brain matched only by his physique.
If the ball hits the deck rather than being put down your mids’ throats, it’s ready to be overrun and fumbled by a devastating combination of Brett ‘Pagan-era Carlton’ Johnson, Jono ‘apparently number two draft pick’ O’Rourke and our captain, Rayden ‘163 mystifying games’ Tallis. If one of them falls on the ball and manages to get it out, our wing combination of Phil ‘who?’ Murton and Greg ‘even less attractive than the suburb’ Whittlesea comes into the game. If we’re in real strife, we might throw the ever-dangerous (to us) Scott Crow into the mix. And the depth doesn’t end there.
Look, it’s unlikely, but maybe your midfield is so disastrous we get it forward, where the all-time weakest full-forward line awaits to run in the opposite direction at a pace that would embarrass Cale Morton. On their day, Leon ‘celebrate a goal when getting flogged’ Higgins, Simon ‘plays like his surname’ Minton-Connell and Alex ‘high draft pick before draft camps existed’ McDonald struck fear into the hearts of absolutely no defenders across several glorious years. A special shout-out here to Shayne Stevenson. Gutsy player who should be remembered for playing out a game and even kicking a goal with a busted ankle because we had nobody on the bench. But he will live in my memory for being the only player I’ve ever seen try to mark the ball with his hands a metre apart and let it hit him in the forehead. THE BALL’S ONLY THIS BIG SHAYNE!
I haven’t even got to the critical CHF yet, which was a tough call between Tim ‘no, there was a footy player with the same name’ Allen and Jason ‘I think he played OK once against Essendon. Pretty sure he got a goal’ Taylor. That goal probably sealed Timmy’s fate, and here he is, surrounded by the likes of Mark ‘delisted by Fitzroy’ Bunn and Ricky (I’m not even going to put a nickname here. Seriously, wtf) Nixon.
Inevitably, the pill will make its way into your forward line, where the crème de la crème of your key forward crop will be challenged by Jonathan ‘no, his brother’ Robran and Jarrad ‘dickhead policy’ Boumann, ‘ably’ assisted by the likes of Darren ‘best clubman’ Baxter and Austin McCrabb, known for his practical jokes but none were better than somehow getting a trade to Hawthorn. But the real half-back hero has to be Barry ‘*******’ Young, who played 13 inexplicable games for us, a number coincidentally 13 higher than the number of targets he hit. Nobody’s bringing it out of there except the field umpire.
Anyway, here they are in all their roasted, crispy-skinned glory.
B: Austin McCrabb, Jonathan Robran, Jon Hassall
HB: Darren Baxter, Jarrad Boumann, Barry Young
C: Phil Murton, Brett Johnson, Greg Whittlesea
HF: Mark Bunn, Tim Allen, Ricky Nixon
F: Leon Higgins, Simon Minton-Connell, Alex McDonald
R: Simon Crawshay, Jono O’Rourke, Rayden Tallis
IC: Scott Crow, Shayne Stevenson, Nathan Lonie, Mitch Hallahan, Sam Grimley, FFS there are even more
So what do you say? Do these grade A potatoes make the cut? Can your club bring a team that could lose to them? Take the challenge! I look forward to reading your attempts and thinking, ‘Oh, that guy’.
* All-time = when I’ve seen most of my footy. And it’s weighted towards the 90s, as it really was an extended period of un-Hawthornness.
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