Dad jokes - add yours

[FlyHigh18]

What did one butt cheek say to the other?

Together, we can stop this $hit.

 

[Luke72]

Did you hear about the agnostic, dyslexic, insomniac ?

He stayed awake all night wondering if there was a dog

That's actually one I remember my dad telling me. Another of his favourites...

What do you do when a bird shits on your head?

Don't take her out again.

 

[KiwiRoo]

I've posted this before but what the hell it still makes me laugh

A kiwi bloke walks into the bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says " Darling here's the pig I've been sleeping with"
The wife says "I think you'll find that's a sheep you dickhead !"
the kiwi bloke goes " I think you'll find I wasn't talking to you" !

 

[rickety]

I've posted this before but what the hell it still makes me laugh

A kiwi bloke walks into the bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says " Darling here's the pig I've been sleeping with"
The wife says "I think you'll find that's a sheep you dickhead !"
the kiwi bloke goes " I think you'll find I wasn't talking to you" !

And whatever the joke is where one kiwi bloke asks another "do you shear your sheep?" Other fella replies "nah, get you're own, bro"

 

[Mav]

And whatever the joke is where one kiwi bloke asks another "do you shear your sheep?" Other fella replies "nah, get you're own, bro"

What’s a Hindu?

It lays eggs, bro.

 

[KiwiRoo]

What’s a Hindu?

It lays eggs, bro.

Kiwi eggs jokes bro ?..you sure you want to go down that route

 

[jimandphilbadge]

What do you do if you wake up next to Lady Gaga with an erection?


Poker Face.


This is one my dad told a few years ago. He would have no idea about the singer, but likely heard the boys at work laughing over it and decided to pass it on. In true kid hearing Dad Joke form, I didn't laugh in front of him, but later told it to my mates.

 

[hale]

What do you do if you wake up next to Lady Gaga with an erection?
...

Inform Snopes immediately?

 

[Orange Peanut]

Q. How can you spot the kiwi in a pub?

A. Long beak and feathers.

 

[Mav]

Q. How can you spot the kiwi in a pub?

A. Long beak and feathers.

did you hear about the baby seal that walked into a club?

 

[Bertie22]

What do you get when your pour boiling water down a rabbit hole?

Hot cross bunnies.

 

[Warrboy]

An American couple, Australian couple and an English couple on holidays headed down for breakfast.
"Pass the sugar, sugar" said the American
"Pass the honey, honey" said the Australian
"Pass the tea, bag" said the Englishman

 

[rickety]

did you hear about the baby seal that walked into a club?

Lolling :-D

 

[muttley45]

''I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it, it was a shitzu.''

 

[blackshadow]

That's actually one I remember my dad telling me. Another of his favourites...

What do you do when a bird shits on your head?

Don't take her out again.

How does that translate into German?

One suave ****

 

[Luke72]

How does that translate into German?

One suave ****

A true German would be right into that kind of behaviour

 

[KiwiRoo]

What do Hot lips Houlihan and Nicki Lauda have in common ?

They've both been F%^&ed by Major Burns

 

[rickety]

Why did the bald man have rabbits tattooed on his head? From a distance they looked like hares

 

[rickety]

Have I ever told you that my uncle is the worlds worst ever ventriloquist? He stuck 2 fingers up my bum and told me not to say a word!

 

[Ardent Roo]

A penguin is driving his car, when he hears an awful racket under the hood. Pulls over into a garage and Walrus the mechanic comes out and says what's up? Penguin tells him about the awful noise the car has made and Mr Walrus agrees to take a look at it, and says it will be about half an hour. Cool says Penguin, and he tells Walrus he is going to 7 Eleven for something to eat and kill time. Time passes and the Penguin comes back. Walrus is just closing the hood of the car and says to Penguin "Looks like you have blown a seal". Penguin replies "Nah, it's just ice-cream".

 

[gokangas]

Monica Lewinski walks into the drycleaners. He is at the back of the shop - she throws her dress on the counter and yells - dry clean this please. Drycleaner doesn’t quite hear her - come again, he yells. No, she says, its mayo.

 

[Ardent Roo]

Monica Lewinski walks into the drycleaners. He is at the back of the shop - she throws her dress on the counter and yells - dry clean this please. Drycleaner doesn’t quite hear her - come again, he yells. No, she says, its mayo.

Short version of my joke!

 

[The Dingrel]

What do you call a Greek Skydiver?

... Condescending

 

[The Dingrel]

Terrorist walks into a petshop, puts a bomb on the counter saying "you've got 30 seconds to get out"
Tortoise at the back of the shop says " F....ing C...."

 

[Rooboys Rool]

A dad is watching his son playing with a butterfly when all of a sudden the kid grabs it “ha ha, got ya, ya little bastard! Let’s pull some of those f***in wings off!”

“Son! What are you doing?! You can’t do that! Because you killed that butterfly, you can’t have any butter for a week.”

“But Dad...”

Only a few minutes later the kid sees a bee and goes stomp “Got ya, ya little mongrel! F***in sting me a cricket training last week!”

“Right! Son! You obviously didn’t learn your lesson! Because you killed that bee, you can’t have any honey for a month!”

“But Daaaad!”

“No, you need to learn a lesson.”

That night the family is having dinner when a big cockroach runs across the table and the Mum goes wham! Kills it dead.

The kid looks at his old man and says “well Dad, are you gonna tell her or am I?”