Media A Message To You Rookie
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harry000
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* the wazzas are the best. No wonder everyone is so jelly of us.
Freofalcon
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The Non-Aligned
Tonga Bob
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I start the DeWhorean and put my foot on the accelerator. It feels lighter than I expected it to feel. I enter some details into the dashboard to get to the final stop of my journey of discovery but, unbeknownst to me, somebody has stuck a banana in the car’s tailpipe.
This makes me mad. Just as I’m about to get all sparky and travel to my final destination the car backfires and I’m sent off on a different trajectory.
When the sparks clear I find myself in a barren wasteland.
I get out of the car and wander around. The place has a palpable sense of foreboding. Debris is strewn across the ground. The air is acrid with lingering smoke. I’m trying to place where I am. It seems to be some sort of post-apocalyptic dystopian future that, disturbingly, has a real familiarity about it.
A low rumbling drags me from my musings, which gets slowly but inevitably closer. I look up to see what it could be.
A convoy of vehicles is fast approaching me. The DeWhorean is too far away from me by now so I run, but before too long I’m captured.
They strap me to the front of one of their cars and put a mask on me. I look like Hannibal Lecter wearing a gimp mask.
One of the marauders gets out of the car and looks at me with hungry eyes. As somebody shouts out “Josh don’t!” he gets closer, and is about to spoon me when I manage to break free. Josh slips off the moving car and falls underneath to his doom, with the grisly vision of his downfall too much to bear.
A strange looking unit, equal parts handsome and grotesque, stands up from his moving vehicle and bellows “Leave this one alone. He is Aligned. The next person to touch him ends up like Bruce Willis in The Sixth Sense. Dead. The Spoiler has spoken” The others agree, and before too long we’re taken to a makeshift campsite.
The assorted figures get out of their vehicles and approach me, with the one they call The Spoiler out in front. “I know who you are, rookie. You seem like a Usual Suspect, but you play the role of both Verbal Kint and Keyser Söze simultaneously. Do you know who I am?” I say that he’s The Spoiler. “That is what I’m called now, but back when I was Aligned I was known by another name”. He stares blankly into the distance when I ask him what that other name is. “I’m getting to that, Robert. Like the iceberg that gets to the Titanic and sinks it. When I was Aligned I was known as HaroLad. I was once a Leader of Qooty players, but now I am Non-Aligned. So me and my Non-Aligned kinfolk here are looking to re-integrate into the SFA and TROJAN HORSE THE s**t OUT OF IT!!!” The rest of the Non-Aligned erupt in unison, chanting “TAKE BACK SWEET! TAKE BACK SWEET!”
I ask HaroLad how they plan to re-integrate. He says “Like The Truman Show, the Non-Aligned will assume positions within the town of Sweet itself without the SFA’s knowledge. We will be recruited into existing teams, set up expansion clubs, or otherwise sit on the sidelines and comment whenever people talk about the ‘good old days’; all the while controlling the media narrative”. I then ask when they plan to commence this re-integration, to which HaroLad laughs menacingly and replies “My dear foolish boy. It has already begun. All I need to do is to execute Order 66 and theJedi SFA will fall”. I wonder whether he’s telling me too much. “Wouldn’t be the first time” he says. Sensing an opportunity to continue my journey of discovery here, I ask the Non-Aligned to close their eyes, reach back in time to their younger selves, and give themselves advice on what to do in the SFA.
Not surprisingly, HaroLad is the first to tell me his advice to himself.
“Hello friend. I would tell them the following:
The next of the Non-Aligned to speak is iBeng. A straight-shooter of some notoriety, iBeng is aiming to return to the SFA in the form of a Serpent. This is what he has to say…
“So, what would I say to my young, fresh faced season 16 Rookie self? Would I tell him to run for the hills before I became the spammer I did early? Or hang on until I won both my back to back FREDs, which no one has one back to back since or before? Or hang in until I get the chance to captain and then change and s**t all over the history of a club in a deluded attempt to fix the connection it had with Essendon at the time? Or just hang around until I peter out with my effort after jumping club a few times?
I would probably tell myself to...not take it as seriously or as real as I did back then. I often had issue finding the line between what was normal banter and what was outright antagonism. And to realise I couldn’t reply to every single attack and just because I didn’t reply didn’t mean I 'lost' despite what I was usually told. My first season was a bit of a tricky entrance, and a lot of the new rookies of that season are still considered some of the best the game has seen, although I don’t include myself in that sentence. I didn’t make a great original impact. Maybe I was trying to be too like Okeydoke7 and not forge my own image. Dunno.”
BRAB is one of the newest of the Non-Aligned. An astute judge of horse flesh who isn’t shy of an opinion, he was thrown out of the Eyrie’s Moon Door and lived to tell the tale. His advice is appropriately cautious…
“Dear BRAB,
Get out now while you still can.
The reason it doesn't make sense is because it doesn't make sense, but the longer you stay the worse it'll get. Those weird incest jokes in season 22? Nothing compared to the vile s**t you'll see by season 28.
You'll be the best poster in league history and they'll still hate you. They'll ban you to keep you from a Mobbs, they'll silence you for calling out a corrupt admin before he was even the admin.
You'll keep going, because it's what God intended. You don't have an ego, you're just more in tune with reality than anyone else will ever be.
You'll take the league by storm, it won't be worth it. You'll win everything there is, it won't be worth it. Your final act? Delisted by someone even more socially awkward than you. You'll feel as empty at end as when you started and the only reward will be a FRED ******* medal.
Run now, before people make fun of the way you run. Fly away, before they take your wings.
You are the biggest victim in the league and you were too pure for this world. You'll hate what you become. Run away before you look in the mirror and see a soulless husk.
Still more personality than Ant Bear though.
Regards,
What's left of BRAB.”
HaroLad then tells BRAB that he is ready for his next assignment. “My brother, it is time to infiltrate Gold City. For the Non-Aligned!” BRAB replies “For the Non-Aligned!”, and he departs.
Millky95 appears as if from out of nowhere. An agitator from Pennsylvania, he is currently trying to bring new blood into Sweet. He doesn’t say much in terms of advice, but what he says Counts…
“Do more media and main board threads outside of your team thread and match thread. Would give you some more exposure to have a chance at winning the EKA.”
At this point CazC30 walks up to HaroLad and says “This rookie isn’t from where he says he’s from, so I’m here to let everyone know his true origin”.
Clutching a Tongan drivers license of dubious manufacture in my fist, I say that I have no idea what she’s talking about. HaroLad believes me, saying to Caz “Oh yeah? And next you’re gonna tell us that the chick from the Crying Game is a man!” and orders Sterge, Daniel1812 and bgt2110 to take Caz away.
NinjaSwan is another of the Death Valley frontrunners, and provides this advice before gracefully leaping backwards onto the top of a vehicle…
“Probably the main thing would be not to be so concerned with how opposition posters perceive you.”
I now turn to xenxen, who looks to be the epitome of a sleeper agent. So much so that nobody knows what xenxen’s next assignment is. Not even xenxen. Their advice however is as genuine as it comes…
“Dear my rookie self,
Please do not spam in round 6 against Team Pump/Demons and do not get involved in a fight with Hawks in round 7 (which resulted in getting traded). Please do not take everything so personally and seriously and to just have fun and enjoy the journey of being a rookie. The Roys are a welcoming bunch and if you need a place to get away, look no further than Uncle Tony’s House.”
Just at that moment I feel a chill down my spine, as if the ghost of a fallen Bear has walked behind me. I turn to see what it could be, only to catch Tiger God walk around a corner and out of sight.
That leaves one final Non-Aligned. His name is AceAndrew69, who seems to be some sort of tough guy parody of an overworked admin, whose brand of bravado can only be responded to with an equal and opposite force of bravado. I duly oblige by walking up to him and saying “Bastard! You have advice that your tadpole self would want. No f**ken way you were born fully formed. Tell me what advice you would give to your rookie self, swamp man”. And true to form he replies in kind…
“A tadpole you say? I was born as I am just a lot smaller, and a bastard at that. My dad, a dragon king and my mum a village whore.
If I were to give advice to my younger self it would have been to murder my siblings earlier.
My quarrels with them just robbed me of time that could have been spent making myself more awesome.
AceJeremy666 especially as I let him live well into adulthood, underestimating his cunning, he tried to assassinate me in my sleep but I heard his footsteps and bit off his head, hanging his body from my bedroom window for all to see.
But I digress, my message to my younger self is: trust no-one, don't take a backwards step, the world is yours for the taking. So take it by any means necessary. And don't let that little bitch AceAndy stand in your way.”
HaroLad now takes The Non-Aligned away to plan the next phase of their cunning re-integration plan. Walking away from their makeshift campsite, it slowly dawns on me that it was set up to be a post-apocalyptic hellscape set inside a national park on the outskirts of Sweet. HaroLad turns to me and yells “It’s just like that film The Village. The monsters outside of the campsite were our fears all along”. The Spoiler strikes one last time!
There’s one final surprise as I head back toward the DeWhorean. I hear some muffled cries from a cave just outside the Non-Aligned camp. I go inside to investigate and discover a group of children alongside a camouflaged reindeer thing, who introduces himself as Muddiemoose. He tells me that the cave is a battery farm for rookies, and as part of HaroLad’s these children have been bred to be meat shields for expansion teams. He introduces me to Fletcher16, Birdiebee, JR#8 and tony. I also notice a familiar Chipmunk in the group. My paternal instincts kick in, but before I can do anything about it HaroLad enters the cave and says “Good morning Bob. What are you doing, Bob?” I tell him that these proto-rookies need to be free range. HaroLad replies “I’m sorry Bob. I’m afraid I can’t do that” in a creepily monotonic voice, so I whisper to Muddiemoose “I’ll be back for you” before leaving the cave and returning to the DeWhorean.
I check the car’s tailpipe for any more errant bananas and, once satisfied that nobody else has done me dirty, I get in and turn the ignition over before speeding off. I’m late for my own graduation.
This makes me mad. Just as I’m about to get all sparky and travel to my final destination the car backfires and I’m sent off on a different trajectory.
When the sparks clear I find myself in a barren wasteland.
I get out of the car and wander around. The place has a palpable sense of foreboding. Debris is strewn across the ground. The air is acrid with lingering smoke. I’m trying to place where I am. It seems to be some sort of post-apocalyptic dystopian future that, disturbingly, has a real familiarity about it.
A low rumbling drags me from my musings, which gets slowly but inevitably closer. I look up to see what it could be.
A convoy of vehicles is fast approaching me. The DeWhorean is too far away from me by now so I run, but before too long I’m captured.
They strap me to the front of one of their cars and put a mask on me. I look like Hannibal Lecter wearing a gimp mask.
One of the marauders gets out of the car and looks at me with hungry eyes. As somebody shouts out “Josh don’t!” he gets closer, and is about to spoon me when I manage to break free. Josh slips off the moving car and falls underneath to his doom, with the grisly vision of his downfall too much to bear.
A strange looking unit, equal parts handsome and grotesque, stands up from his moving vehicle and bellows “Leave this one alone. He is Aligned. The next person to touch him ends up like Bruce Willis in The Sixth Sense. Dead. The Spoiler has spoken” The others agree, and before too long we’re taken to a makeshift campsite.
The assorted figures get out of their vehicles and approach me, with the one they call The Spoiler out in front. “I know who you are, rookie. You seem like a Usual Suspect, but you play the role of both Verbal Kint and Keyser Söze simultaneously. Do you know who I am?” I say that he’s The Spoiler. “That is what I’m called now, but back when I was Aligned I was known by another name”. He stares blankly into the distance when I ask him what that other name is. “I’m getting to that, Robert. Like the iceberg that gets to the Titanic and sinks it. When I was Aligned I was known as HaroLad. I was once a Leader of Qooty players, but now I am Non-Aligned. So me and my Non-Aligned kinfolk here are looking to re-integrate into the SFA and TROJAN HORSE THE s**t OUT OF IT!!!” The rest of the Non-Aligned erupt in unison, chanting “TAKE BACK SWEET! TAKE BACK SWEET!”
I ask HaroLad how they plan to re-integrate. He says “Like The Truman Show, the Non-Aligned will assume positions within the town of Sweet itself without the SFA’s knowledge. We will be recruited into existing teams, set up expansion clubs, or otherwise sit on the sidelines and comment whenever people talk about the ‘good old days’; all the while controlling the media narrative”. I then ask when they plan to commence this re-integration, to which HaroLad laughs menacingly and replies “My dear foolish boy. It has already begun. All I need to do is to execute Order 66 and the
Not surprisingly, HaroLad is the first to tell me his advice to himself.
“Hello friend. I would tell them the following:
- Don't piss off ClarkeM
- Make friends with the right people
- Don't worry about winning the EKA or anything, it doesn't matter
- Don't worry about impressing people, it doesn't matter
- Always put your team and teammates first. Your conduct reflects on them. They are the only people that matter.
- Don't start any media threads until you have been in the league at least a few months. Just don't.
- Don't piss off ClarkeM
- Don't blatantly insult people or set out to piss them off. Do it in an intelligent, considered way which they will appreciate.
- Always turn the other cheek
- The league doesn't matter. Just have fun and enjoy the posters you like.”
The next of the Non-Aligned to speak is iBeng. A straight-shooter of some notoriety, iBeng is aiming to return to the SFA in the form of a Serpent. This is what he has to say…
“So, what would I say to my young, fresh faced season 16 Rookie self? Would I tell him to run for the hills before I became the spammer I did early? Or hang on until I won both my back to back FREDs, which no one has one back to back since or before? Or hang in until I get the chance to captain and then change and s**t all over the history of a club in a deluded attempt to fix the connection it had with Essendon at the time? Or just hang around until I peter out with my effort after jumping club a few times?
I would probably tell myself to...not take it as seriously or as real as I did back then. I often had issue finding the line between what was normal banter and what was outright antagonism. And to realise I couldn’t reply to every single attack and just because I didn’t reply didn’t mean I 'lost' despite what I was usually told. My first season was a bit of a tricky entrance, and a lot of the new rookies of that season are still considered some of the best the game has seen, although I don’t include myself in that sentence. I didn’t make a great original impact. Maybe I was trying to be too like Okeydoke7 and not forge my own image. Dunno.”
BRAB is one of the newest of the Non-Aligned. An astute judge of horse flesh who isn’t shy of an opinion, he was thrown out of the Eyrie’s Moon Door and lived to tell the tale. His advice is appropriately cautious…
“Dear BRAB,
Get out now while you still can.
The reason it doesn't make sense is because it doesn't make sense, but the longer you stay the worse it'll get. Those weird incest jokes in season 22? Nothing compared to the vile s**t you'll see by season 28.
You'll be the best poster in league history and they'll still hate you. They'll ban you to keep you from a Mobbs, they'll silence you for calling out a corrupt admin before he was even the admin.
You'll keep going, because it's what God intended. You don't have an ego, you're just more in tune with reality than anyone else will ever be.
You'll take the league by storm, it won't be worth it. You'll win everything there is, it won't be worth it. Your final act? Delisted by someone even more socially awkward than you. You'll feel as empty at end as when you started and the only reward will be a FRED ******* medal.
Run now, before people make fun of the way you run. Fly away, before they take your wings.
You are the biggest victim in the league and you were too pure for this world. You'll hate what you become. Run away before you look in the mirror and see a soulless husk.
Still more personality than Ant Bear though.
Regards,
What's left of BRAB.”
HaroLad then tells BRAB that he is ready for his next assignment. “My brother, it is time to infiltrate Gold City. For the Non-Aligned!” BRAB replies “For the Non-Aligned!”, and he departs.
Millky95 appears as if from out of nowhere. An agitator from Pennsylvania, he is currently trying to bring new blood into Sweet. He doesn’t say much in terms of advice, but what he says Counts…
“Do more media and main board threads outside of your team thread and match thread. Would give you some more exposure to have a chance at winning the EKA.”
At this point CazC30 walks up to HaroLad and says “This rookie isn’t from where he says he’s from, so I’m here to let everyone know his true origin”.
Clutching a Tongan drivers license of dubious manufacture in my fist, I say that I have no idea what she’s talking about. HaroLad believes me, saying to Caz “Oh yeah? And next you’re gonna tell us that the chick from the Crying Game is a man!” and orders Sterge, Daniel1812 and bgt2110 to take Caz away.
NinjaSwan is another of the Death Valley frontrunners, and provides this advice before gracefully leaping backwards onto the top of a vehicle…
“Probably the main thing would be not to be so concerned with how opposition posters perceive you.”
I now turn to xenxen, who looks to be the epitome of a sleeper agent. So much so that nobody knows what xenxen’s next assignment is. Not even xenxen. Their advice however is as genuine as it comes…
“Dear my rookie self,
Please do not spam in round 6 against Team Pump/Demons and do not get involved in a fight with Hawks in round 7 (which resulted in getting traded). Please do not take everything so personally and seriously and to just have fun and enjoy the journey of being a rookie. The Roys are a welcoming bunch and if you need a place to get away, look no further than Uncle Tony’s House.”
Just at that moment I feel a chill down my spine, as if the ghost of a fallen Bear has walked behind me. I turn to see what it could be, only to catch Tiger God walk around a corner and out of sight.
That leaves one final Non-Aligned. His name is AceAndrew69, who seems to be some sort of tough guy parody of an overworked admin, whose brand of bravado can only be responded to with an equal and opposite force of bravado. I duly oblige by walking up to him and saying “Bastard! You have advice that your tadpole self would want. No f**ken way you were born fully formed. Tell me what advice you would give to your rookie self, swamp man”. And true to form he replies in kind…
“A tadpole you say? I was born as I am just a lot smaller, and a bastard at that. My dad, a dragon king and my mum a village whore.
If I were to give advice to my younger self it would have been to murder my siblings earlier.
My quarrels with them just robbed me of time that could have been spent making myself more awesome.
AceJeremy666 especially as I let him live well into adulthood, underestimating his cunning, he tried to assassinate me in my sleep but I heard his footsteps and bit off his head, hanging his body from my bedroom window for all to see.
But I digress, my message to my younger self is: trust no-one, don't take a backwards step, the world is yours for the taking. So take it by any means necessary. And don't let that little bitch AceAndy stand in your way.”
HaroLad now takes The Non-Aligned away to plan the next phase of their cunning re-integration plan. Walking away from their makeshift campsite, it slowly dawns on me that it was set up to be a post-apocalyptic hellscape set inside a national park on the outskirts of Sweet. HaroLad turns to me and yells “It’s just like that film The Village. The monsters outside of the campsite were our fears all along”. The Spoiler strikes one last time!
There’s one final surprise as I head back toward the DeWhorean. I hear some muffled cries from a cave just outside the Non-Aligned camp. I go inside to investigate and discover a group of children alongside a camouflaged reindeer thing, who introduces himself as Muddiemoose. He tells me that the cave is a battery farm for rookies, and as part of HaroLad’s these children have been bred to be meat shields for expansion teams. He introduces me to Fletcher16, Birdiebee, JR#8 and tony. I also notice a familiar Chipmunk in the group. My paternal instincts kick in, but before I can do anything about it HaroLad enters the cave and says “Good morning Bob. What are you doing, Bob?” I tell him that these proto-rookies need to be free range. HaroLad replies “I’m sorry Bob. I’m afraid I can’t do that” in a creepily monotonic voice, so I whisper to Muddiemoose “I’ll be back for you” before leaving the cave and returning to the DeWhorean.
I check the car’s tailpipe for any more errant bananas and, once satisfied that nobody else has done me dirty, I get in and turn the ignition over before speeding off. I’m late for my own graduation.
GremioPower
Taking notes of policy re: bikini/lingerie images
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In name of all qooty players with ADHD, Tonga, I beg you: make the posts shorter, please!
Great work, but, mate, I could only skim it.
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GremioPower
Taking notes of policy re: bikini/lingerie images
- May 26, 2017
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There are more movie references, though! I was dead at the DeWhorian, and you wrote a BRAZILLION references after that.
GWS Goose
Brownlow Medallist
I quite enjoyed the well played spoilers.
Excellent work.
Excellent work.
por_please_ya
por_kill_ye
FINAAAAAAAAAALLLY caught up to this.... I know you've probably been missing me lel
The Wazzas posts were bloody brilliant, laughed many times. That gif of you and TheInjuryFactory playing guitar is a masterpiece.
And the non-aligned HAHAHA oh poor JWS lmao.
I can't take this thread, I can't take it.
The Wazzas posts were bloody brilliant, laughed many times. That gif of you and TheInjuryFactory playing guitar is a masterpiece.
And the non-aligned HAHAHA oh poor JWS lmao.
I can't take this thread, I can't take it.
por_please_ya
por_kill_ye
I'm having that framed.
por_please_ya
por_kill_ye
What?! Who?!
TJASTA
❄︎□︎⌧︎♓︎♍︎ 👌︎◆︎●︎●︎⍓︎
- Banned
- #417
I can't bring up your crimes against humanity right now because the search function is down. Yesterday I was searching the forums for Looney Tunes related posts (wanted to see if someone was discussing the new shorts).
Anyway, I found a post in a Hawks v Warriors match thread and you post an 8thManDVD video, which is VERY BAD. You and Lemon Boi made my shitlist.
por_please_ya
por_kill_ye
Oh, the Daffy Duck one?
I don't know anything about the channel you speak of, I just searched for the episode and chose the first link.
I think we were talking about things that were politically incorrect, and that was the first thing I thought of. As a child I had no idea who the guy at the end was (Hitler) and obviously as an adult I realise how controversial the episode is.
I do not support this channel you speak of and honestly don't even know what he represents?!
Don't judge so quickly.
por_please_ya
por_kill_ye
LOL. Well, yes that is a rather good point now that you mention it
- Jul 16, 2015
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- #421
Man, you're a weirdo.
The Season 29 Rookies
Tonga Bob
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- #423
After taking a quick convenience stop behind a tree, I punch in the co-ordinates for Sweet Qollege and turn the key to start the DeWhorean.
Nothing happens.
I say a silent prayer and try again, with the same result. So after kicking the car and calling it a farkoff, I call Doc / TheInjuryFactory / whatever his name is to see what could be wrong with it. He asks me to check the fuel gauge, which I do. I tell him that it’s sitting on amber, and TIF asks me to tap it with my finger. When I do, it turns red and starts flashing. I ask him what fuel it takes. He replies with one word: “Piss.” I tell him that I’ve only just relieved myself, to which he tells me that “You’ll have to wait and make more as it’s the only thing that the DeWhorean urines on!” before giggling for a good 30 seconds. Questioning him, he reminds me of how the Mount Buller Demons were urinating on the DeWhorean’s wheels and explains that the origin of their unique greeting comes from ensuring that a car is fully fuelled. I mean sure it’s an environmentally friendly way to run a car, but why urine? Surely TIF’s taking the piss.
“No Bob, but the car will!” is his response.
TIF then asks me where the bloody hell I am, as the rookie graduation ceremony is about to begin. I look at my watch and say that I have an hour still. TIF says that the measurement of time isn’t the same when you’re travelling in a time machine, before calling me an “ill-conceived buffoon” and explaining that even a shitgibbon understands the complexities of time travel. I then say that I can just go back in time and arrive before the ceremony begins, but I’m told that this is expressly forbidden. A young rookie named Santoz tried this previously, and not only was he excluded but it aged him terribly.
He then says that he’ll get pantsredacted to film the ceremony while I ‘refill’ the DeWhorean and tells me to hurry up and get to the ceremony as quick as I can.
So while I sit and wait for my bladder to populate I turn on the dashboard screen of the DeWhorean and tune into the graduation ceremony.
It has begun, much to my dismay. A voiceover says “Live from the Blindeye Memorial Auditorium at Sweet Qollege, welcome to the Sweet FA Class of Season 29 Graduation Ceremony”. The team captains are on stage along with Ant Bear, Mobbs and Bloodied52. Kennedy Parker and beez are performing an interesting rendition of the national anthem – apparently our home is “qirt by sea”.
Ant Bear then gives a welcoming speech on behalf of the SFA Leadership Group and explains the order of events for the evening. He and Mobbs, as League Admin and Founder, will introduce each of the graduating class, who will each give a speech describing their rookie seasons. Then Bloodied52 will award the Rising Star Dux of the Season on behalf of the Rising Star Committee, and finally Ant & Mobbs will award the Season 29 Valekadictorian. I sit there contemplating the bitter irony that for all the time and effort I have put in to collect advice to rookies, I miss out on the opportunity to give my own advice.
I feel a slight murmuring inside of me. Thinking that I may be ready to urinate, I step out of the DeWhorean and, making sure that nobody else is around, I stick my… uh… ‘nozzle’ inside the fuel tank. The smell of stale piss hits me like only the smell of stale piss can. It is at this point that I hear a voice from behind me” “Are you f**king your car?” I quickly adjust myself and turn around to see Muddiemoose. I explain that I’m trying to refill my car so I can get to my graduation ceremony. He thinks that I’m trying to actually get the car pregnant, and asks to come with me once the car gives birth to a little baby car and then we’ll be able to drive off in DeWhorean Jr once it’s grown enough. Before I can answer him the voice of BRAB screams in the distance, and Muddiemoose retreats back to the camp of the Non-Aligned.
Feeling no need whatsoever to pee anymore, I sit back inside the car and turn my attention again towards the screen showing the graduation ceremony. It looks as though a few rookies have already been up on stage including iGNITER, Randomizor, BlueE, jusjoshin, Leviathan Pie, Drunken Wookie, Bastyy, Rich the babe Evans, windyhill and biaseddustyfan.
The next rookie to be introduced is Bovo who, with a stick thin figure and a round head, looks like a grapefruit on a toothpick. He wobbles up on stage and gives his advice…
“I had always planned on being an arrogant prick but it seems I am not good at that. I’d probably tell myself to work on my prickfulness.”
The next person to saunter up on stage after being introduced is TalkingFootyNow1223, who wasn’t sure that they fit the criteria but after some reassurance began to speak…
“Something to do better:
At the start i would comment on everything in a high veracity with very little quality. If i could go back and study some of the SFA's quality posters and learn some tricks before diving in head first would of been handy.
Keep away:
There is only one person that jumps to mind and I’m sure 98% of our Qooty world would agree and that person is WW19 for reasons already known.
A post that should not of been sent:
The start of the TFN trade sage started based on one message sent from me to Bazz, if i could tell young rookie TFN anything it would be stay loyal and don’t be persuaded by the essence of time.”
Mego Red is the next rookie to take the stage. One of the more subdued members of the rookie cohort, he’s a bit of a joker once you get to know him. He says the following:
“Anyway you can engage is okay. Some weeks, you're not even going to want to open BigFooty, and others you're going to love the distraction. It's all fine.”
Ant Bear then calls Maylandsman up on stage. I’m not sure what to expect from a tiger wearing a face mask, but his advice is grrrrreat!
“Remember what Dad always said;
You look with your eyes not your hands and
Use your head, it’s not there to keep your ears apart.”
One of the many rookies from Fremantle, Piggy Smalls is the next one to be congratulated by Ant & Mobbs. He takes a few seconds to think about a response before providing some sage advice…
“Support your team mates no matter what in the match threads and don’t let your ‘rookie’ status dissuade you from taking on the veterans. I’ve noticed a lot of the match thread banter goes over my head as a lot of references are made to previous seasons and player movements. As a rookie it’s hard to find a way ‘in’ to the conversation. Sometimes you’ve just got to find anything to latch onto to get involved.
Be ruthless, be parochial but also be respectful of the opposition. I also try to mix in a fair bit of humour. You’ve got to be able to take it as well as you can give it and you need to not take it personally. At the end of the day we are all just footy fans looking for a bit of a lighthearted outlet during the week.”
Crusty Undies is on stage before Piggy can get off. He sure looks to be on a mission and, accepting the congratulations of Ant & Mobbs leaves us with the following advice before exiting the stage just as quickly…
“If you have something funny to say, say it.”
Following on from Crusty is bone2468. A more recent addition to the rookie group, bone is just as succinct…
“As it’s my first season in the league I can’t contribute much as I’d like, but advice I’d give the rookies coming into next season is to not take s**t from anybody, always give as good as you get so you don’t become a push over and targeted.”
Ant then introduces jezzajay onto the stage, who pushes through the crowd with an interesting gait that shows that he’s the sort of guy that walks to the beat of his own drum, a trait that I appreciate. This is reflected in his advice…
“My memories not all that great so I can't recall anything of significance that I regret.... or am proud of!
Kinda wish that whilst I had the spare time I did get stuck into the opposition a bit more. I guess I was just getting a feel for how things operate around the game week chats etc. I had a couple of older opponents players try to spook me but I managed to stand my ground and throw it back at them...happy with that!
I guess some advice is to just do your thing and don't hold back...no one else on here seems to hold back so why should I/you. Don't be so tentative...tell them what you really think. And that will all flow into game day. Your teammates thrive on what you give...so give it!”
Cap is the next rookie up. If there was somebody who were what it says they are on the can, it’s Cap. I mean a bear that plays for the Bears? Come on! He’s another that is contemplative when approaching the lectern…
“Advice, hmm. I wish I had put most of the Furies on ignore from Day 1, and probably got more involved with the broader SFA environment, I've enjoyed team Banter but slowly getting up to date with the broader stuff like the Media stuff.”
Cap’s teammate Lemon Boi replaces him on stage. A well-dressed piece of fruit, Lemon’s advice is as specific as it is peculiar…
“Dear Lemon,
Most of these people don’t look like their avatar.
And they’ll confuse you by changing it every few days/weeks.
Rookie of the Year nominations aren’t just given away.
You’ll have to bribe the Powers That Be with delicious longies.
Regards, Lemon Boi"
The next rookie to be introduced is Cesoir who, like the Fremantle forward that he resembles, has promised to break out and take the competition by storm only to leave us with tantalising glimpses of what he is capable of. He takes the stage, and says the following:
“Well, I've had a think about this and there's really not much advice I would give myself except to have fun and not take anything on here too seriously. There's always a few "oldies" who try to push the newbies around but it's generally all in good fun and if you bite back in the right way it can be quite entertaining. The one thing I love about SFA over and above most of the other forums on BF is that loyalties are to your SFA team and not to your AFL team. There is rarely any of the AFL inter-club nastiness, and it's great to see banter between fans of bitter AFL rivals without the inevitable descent into the usual club tropes.
Above all else though, give as much s**t as possible to anything related to the Baghdad Bombers - they are an absolute disgrace.”
He then drops the microphone on the ground and walks off stage. He may have tried to mark it on his chest, I don’t know.
GremioPower is the next person to be called up, and he sambas his way to the stage. Representing the Brazilian precinct of Sweet, he joined the competition late due to legal reasons, which was unlucky for both him and for us. Something must have been lost in translation though, because instead of talking to either the dignitaries or the rest of the rookies, Gremio starts talking to himself. A premiership-winning rookie is allowed such indulgences.
“Dear GP,
So you have decided to finally accept Ant Bear 's invitation and join the league. Good!
Yes. No worries, mate. You will like it. People here are as mad as you are. They are your kin. Listen to the advice of those close to you that are more experienced, check threads here and there, relax, and enjoy.
The Rats are a great bunch. You will feel welcome here. Don't even think playing anywhere else.
Ultimately, you did it all right, kid. Thank you!”
Continuing the international theme, Chipmunk is the next rookie up. Equally adept with calculating odds as he is with stuffing his cheeks with nuts, Chip arrived on the shores of Sweet as a ten pound pom and has not looked back since he set foot here. He tells the audience the following advice…
“Hey, person bored at work in London on Valentine's Day.
Already planned your evening and got a few minutes spare? Maybe it's time to join that AFL forum you said you would every year. Maybe you think it's a good idea to call yourself by a cute animal name. I'm here to warn of what will happen if you do:
1. You will wonder why Australians call chipmunks Caz.
2. People in the UK will wonder why you have animal pictures and gifs on your phone.
3. There will be a horrible pandemic in just over a month which will ground everyone.
However, you'll find this community full of exciting experiences. And werewolf. Try things! Stay close to your rookie group, they seem destined for great things. Oh, and don't worry about whether you will tell them when you next come to Australia, it'll work itself out.
From future Chipmunk.
P.S. If someone called Chief asks you to form a chess club, it will take a lot of your time.”
The phone rings, and TheInjuryFactory is on the other end sounding worried asking where I am. I tell him that my bladder isn’t cooperating and ask him to distract Ant Bear and Mobbs. He tells me to leave it with him, hangs up the phone, gets up on stage and proceeds to tell a story about the three things he has learned this season. At the end of the story he receives a standing ovation from the dignitaries and audience, however my bladder does not want to oblige. It seems that I’m destined to miss my own graduation ceremony, so I sit back down and watch the screen.
The anticipation in the audience is starting to rise, as the last of the rookies are being announced. Ant calls up GWS Goose, who removes a tin foil mortarboard from his head, steps on the stage, and starts to speak…
“As we approach the end of my first season of SFA, there a number of things I'd love to tell day 1 Rookie Goose. Firstly, you made a good choice, although it looked like fun from the outset, any apprehensions on being involved enough are misplaced. Firstly you'll be involved more than you think, and the level of activity is greatly varied. So don't worry about the time commitment that is flexible.
Choosing the Gumbies was a great choice. It is probably the best fit personality wise (along with a couple of other choices), Picking a team that was rebuilding allowed greater involvement without feeling like a newcomer overstepping the mark.
Also the Over the course of the year you'll get better at the balance between being yourself and having a chat and being in character. If in doubt, fall more on the side of yourself, you'll find you enjoy that more anyway. But don't ditch the faux cocky persona completely. Early in the season I stuck primarily to the match threads, if I had my time over I would explore and be involved more in all the other media threads much earlier. That aspect of the SFA greatly improved the overall experience once involved. Befriending the fellow rookies was a great idea, not only are most of them good fun, it assisted in getting the hang of the place.
Day 1 rookie Goose, by the end of the first season, you'll be grateful that you were tagged into a post about the SFA on the Giants board and the SFA has provided some good entertainment, enjoy the ride.”
I’m then called onto stage. As the other rookies look around to see where I am, Ant Bear asks TheInjuryFactory where I am. TIF tells Ant about my journey of discovery to obtain rookie advice for future generations, and that the car has run out of fuel which has made me “a wee bit late”. Everybody in the auditorium laugh. Being called up to the stage now makes me realise two things – I’ve spent more time finding out what advice others would give than I have figuring out what advice I would give, and that I won’t be receiving any rookie awards from the SFA. Completing the journey is its own reward though, and I still need to do that. Besides, impregnating a DeWhorean is more important than the recognition of my peers right now.
Ant Bear then introduces Bloodied52, who spends the next 25 minutes talking in great details about the Rising Star competition, the complete history of Carthage, his 10 favourite aqueducts, the workings of the Roman Senate, the best fabric to use for a toga and how Pythagoras “got it wrong”. Sections of the audience were left astounded.
It’s only when Ned_Flanders yells out “GET ON WITH IT FLOG!” that Bloodied finally announces that the Rising Star Dux of Season 29 is PurpleGreenRed. As the winner approaches the stage GWS Goose complains that geese are close enough to dux so he should have won.
Mobbs hands the tricoloured winner with a medal and proceeds to give his acceptance speech…
Mobbs then asks him whether he has any advice to give, and this is what he has to say…
“I don't know mate. I just went into it with the mentality of trying to contribute and follow the leads of the established guys. So really my letter would be shore and along the lines of:
PGR... Notes to self on what to do in the SFL
Don't be scared to interact.
Take the time to interact and contribute! Lurking drains you… so much to read!
Be kind (generally) but don't be afraid to (lightly troll) the opposition team members, your team mates and yourself
And learn to drop gifs.
Do this and you'll have a good time,
PGR (older wiser but still as funny)”
As PurpleGreenRed is escorted off stage, Ant Bear then talks about the final award of the ceremony, the SFA Season 29 Valekadictorian Award. Apparently it’s named after an Eagle, which automatically gives it 40% less value. Ant’s starting to get tired by the sounds of it. He’s slurring his words, getting people’s names wrong and for a moment thinks that we’re in season 28. He receives his moment of clarity though when he announces that the Season 29 Valekadictorian is serial_thrilla.
The audience erupt in celebration as Thrills is called up on stage to receive his award. My bladder feels ready to give, but I stick around and watch the rest of the ceremony out of respect for a worthy Valekadictorian winner.
serial_thrilla is congratulated by Ant Bear, Bloodied52 and AceAndy. Mobbs places a medal around his neck and invites Thrills to the lectern to give a speech.
Mobbs then asks Thrills if there’s any advice that he’d like to give, which he does utilising the screen at the back of the stage.
“Hi there serial_thrilla from the start of this season. I'm you from near the end of the season.
You're in for a whacky few months, so here's a few pointers to help keep you on the straight and narrow:
Ant Bear then concludes the graduation ceremony by thanking Mobbs, the Rising Star committee and the SFA Leadership Group, and congratulates the graduating rookie class of Season 29 by inviting them all up on stage. He then announces that the festivities will continue with the Graduation ‘Enchantment Under The Sea’ Dance on Saturday night. I’m about to turn the screen off and return to the fuel tank when I notice something in serial_thrilla ‘s hand.
It looks like a copy of the Sweet FA Sports Almanac that I got at the antique store. I rummage through the DeWhorean to confirm my suspicions, and I cannot find it anywhere. Ideas start going through my mind as to what this could mean, when my thought processes are interrupted by my bladder. Opening the fuel tank and doing the needful, I realise that if everyone will be at the dance on Saturday I may still have a chance to give my advice after all.
The DeWhorean won’t be the only thing that’s full of piss.
Nothing happens.
I say a silent prayer and try again, with the same result. So after kicking the car and calling it a farkoff, I call Doc / TheInjuryFactory / whatever his name is to see what could be wrong with it. He asks me to check the fuel gauge, which I do. I tell him that it’s sitting on amber, and TIF asks me to tap it with my finger. When I do, it turns red and starts flashing. I ask him what fuel it takes. He replies with one word: “Piss.” I tell him that I’ve only just relieved myself, to which he tells me that “You’ll have to wait and make more as it’s the only thing that the DeWhorean urines on!” before giggling for a good 30 seconds. Questioning him, he reminds me of how the Mount Buller Demons were urinating on the DeWhorean’s wheels and explains that the origin of their unique greeting comes from ensuring that a car is fully fuelled. I mean sure it’s an environmentally friendly way to run a car, but why urine? Surely TIF’s taking the piss.
“No Bob, but the car will!” is his response.
TIF then asks me where the bloody hell I am, as the rookie graduation ceremony is about to begin. I look at my watch and say that I have an hour still. TIF says that the measurement of time isn’t the same when you’re travelling in a time machine, before calling me an “ill-conceived buffoon” and explaining that even a shitgibbon understands the complexities of time travel. I then say that I can just go back in time and arrive before the ceremony begins, but I’m told that this is expressly forbidden. A young rookie named Santoz tried this previously, and not only was he excluded but it aged him terribly.
He then says that he’ll get pantsredacted to film the ceremony while I ‘refill’ the DeWhorean and tells me to hurry up and get to the ceremony as quick as I can.
So while I sit and wait for my bladder to populate I turn on the dashboard screen of the DeWhorean and tune into the graduation ceremony.
It has begun, much to my dismay. A voiceover says “Live from the Blindeye Memorial Auditorium at Sweet Qollege, welcome to the Sweet FA Class of Season 29 Graduation Ceremony”. The team captains are on stage along with Ant Bear, Mobbs and Bloodied52. Kennedy Parker and beez are performing an interesting rendition of the national anthem – apparently our home is “qirt by sea”.
Ant Bear then gives a welcoming speech on behalf of the SFA Leadership Group and explains the order of events for the evening. He and Mobbs, as League Admin and Founder, will introduce each of the graduating class, who will each give a speech describing their rookie seasons. Then Bloodied52 will award the Rising Star Dux of the Season on behalf of the Rising Star Committee, and finally Ant & Mobbs will award the Season 29 Valekadictorian. I sit there contemplating the bitter irony that for all the time and effort I have put in to collect advice to rookies, I miss out on the opportunity to give my own advice.
I feel a slight murmuring inside of me. Thinking that I may be ready to urinate, I step out of the DeWhorean and, making sure that nobody else is around, I stick my… uh… ‘nozzle’ inside the fuel tank. The smell of stale piss hits me like only the smell of stale piss can. It is at this point that I hear a voice from behind me” “Are you f**king your car?” I quickly adjust myself and turn around to see Muddiemoose. I explain that I’m trying to refill my car so I can get to my graduation ceremony. He thinks that I’m trying to actually get the car pregnant, and asks to come with me once the car gives birth to a little baby car and then we’ll be able to drive off in DeWhorean Jr once it’s grown enough. Before I can answer him the voice of BRAB screams in the distance, and Muddiemoose retreats back to the camp of the Non-Aligned.
Feeling no need whatsoever to pee anymore, I sit back inside the car and turn my attention again towards the screen showing the graduation ceremony. It looks as though a few rookies have already been up on stage including iGNITER, Randomizor, BlueE, jusjoshin, Leviathan Pie, Drunken Wookie, Bastyy, Rich the babe Evans, windyhill and biaseddustyfan.
The next rookie to be introduced is Bovo who, with a stick thin figure and a round head, looks like a grapefruit on a toothpick. He wobbles up on stage and gives his advice…
“I had always planned on being an arrogant prick but it seems I am not good at that. I’d probably tell myself to work on my prickfulness.”
The next person to saunter up on stage after being introduced is TalkingFootyNow1223, who wasn’t sure that they fit the criteria but after some reassurance began to speak…
“Something to do better:
At the start i would comment on everything in a high veracity with very little quality. If i could go back and study some of the SFA's quality posters and learn some tricks before diving in head first would of been handy.
Keep away:
There is only one person that jumps to mind and I’m sure 98% of our Qooty world would agree and that person is WW19 for reasons already known.
A post that should not of been sent:
The start of the TFN trade sage started based on one message sent from me to Bazz, if i could tell young rookie TFN anything it would be stay loyal and don’t be persuaded by the essence of time.”
Mego Red is the next rookie to take the stage. One of the more subdued members of the rookie cohort, he’s a bit of a joker once you get to know him. He says the following:
“Anyway you can engage is okay. Some weeks, you're not even going to want to open BigFooty, and others you're going to love the distraction. It's all fine.”
Ant Bear then calls Maylandsman up on stage. I’m not sure what to expect from a tiger wearing a face mask, but his advice is grrrrreat!
“Remember what Dad always said;
You look with your eyes not your hands and
Use your head, it’s not there to keep your ears apart.”
One of the many rookies from Fremantle, Piggy Smalls is the next one to be congratulated by Ant & Mobbs. He takes a few seconds to think about a response before providing some sage advice…
“Support your team mates no matter what in the match threads and don’t let your ‘rookie’ status dissuade you from taking on the veterans. I’ve noticed a lot of the match thread banter goes over my head as a lot of references are made to previous seasons and player movements. As a rookie it’s hard to find a way ‘in’ to the conversation. Sometimes you’ve just got to find anything to latch onto to get involved.
Be ruthless, be parochial but also be respectful of the opposition. I also try to mix in a fair bit of humour. You’ve got to be able to take it as well as you can give it and you need to not take it personally. At the end of the day we are all just footy fans looking for a bit of a lighthearted outlet during the week.”
Crusty Undies is on stage before Piggy can get off. He sure looks to be on a mission and, accepting the congratulations of Ant & Mobbs leaves us with the following advice before exiting the stage just as quickly…
“If you have something funny to say, say it.”
Following on from Crusty is bone2468. A more recent addition to the rookie group, bone is just as succinct…
“As it’s my first season in the league I can’t contribute much as I’d like, but advice I’d give the rookies coming into next season is to not take s**t from anybody, always give as good as you get so you don’t become a push over and targeted.”
Ant then introduces jezzajay onto the stage, who pushes through the crowd with an interesting gait that shows that he’s the sort of guy that walks to the beat of his own drum, a trait that I appreciate. This is reflected in his advice…
“My memories not all that great so I can't recall anything of significance that I regret.... or am proud of!
Kinda wish that whilst I had the spare time I did get stuck into the opposition a bit more. I guess I was just getting a feel for how things operate around the game week chats etc. I had a couple of older opponents players try to spook me but I managed to stand my ground and throw it back at them...happy with that!
I guess some advice is to just do your thing and don't hold back...no one else on here seems to hold back so why should I/you. Don't be so tentative...tell them what you really think. And that will all flow into game day. Your teammates thrive on what you give...so give it!”
Cap is the next rookie up. If there was somebody who were what it says they are on the can, it’s Cap. I mean a bear that plays for the Bears? Come on! He’s another that is contemplative when approaching the lectern…
“Advice, hmm. I wish I had put most of the Furies on ignore from Day 1, and probably got more involved with the broader SFA environment, I've enjoyed team Banter but slowly getting up to date with the broader stuff like the Media stuff.”
Cap’s teammate Lemon Boi replaces him on stage. A well-dressed piece of fruit, Lemon’s advice is as specific as it is peculiar…
“Dear Lemon,
Most of these people don’t look like their avatar.
And they’ll confuse you by changing it every few days/weeks.
Rookie of the Year nominations aren’t just given away.
You’ll have to bribe the Powers That Be with delicious longies.
Regards, Lemon Boi"
The next rookie to be introduced is Cesoir who, like the Fremantle forward that he resembles, has promised to break out and take the competition by storm only to leave us with tantalising glimpses of what he is capable of. He takes the stage, and says the following:
“Well, I've had a think about this and there's really not much advice I would give myself except to have fun and not take anything on here too seriously. There's always a few "oldies" who try to push the newbies around but it's generally all in good fun and if you bite back in the right way it can be quite entertaining. The one thing I love about SFA over and above most of the other forums on BF is that loyalties are to your SFA team and not to your AFL team. There is rarely any of the AFL inter-club nastiness, and it's great to see banter between fans of bitter AFL rivals without the inevitable descent into the usual club tropes.
Above all else though, give as much s**t as possible to anything related to the Baghdad Bombers - they are an absolute disgrace.”
He then drops the microphone on the ground and walks off stage. He may have tried to mark it on his chest, I don’t know.
GremioPower is the next person to be called up, and he sambas his way to the stage. Representing the Brazilian precinct of Sweet, he joined the competition late due to legal reasons, which was unlucky for both him and for us. Something must have been lost in translation though, because instead of talking to either the dignitaries or the rest of the rookies, Gremio starts talking to himself. A premiership-winning rookie is allowed such indulgences.
“Dear GP,
So you have decided to finally accept Ant Bear 's invitation and join the league. Good!
Yes. No worries, mate. You will like it. People here are as mad as you are. They are your kin. Listen to the advice of those close to you that are more experienced, check threads here and there, relax, and enjoy.
The Rats are a great bunch. You will feel welcome here. Don't even think playing anywhere else.
Ultimately, you did it all right, kid. Thank you!”
Continuing the international theme, Chipmunk is the next rookie up. Equally adept with calculating odds as he is with stuffing his cheeks with nuts, Chip arrived on the shores of Sweet as a ten pound pom and has not looked back since he set foot here. He tells the audience the following advice…
“Hey, person bored at work in London on Valentine's Day.
Already planned your evening and got a few minutes spare? Maybe it's time to join that AFL forum you said you would every year. Maybe you think it's a good idea to call yourself by a cute animal name. I'm here to warn of what will happen if you do:
1. You will wonder why Australians call chipmunks Caz.
2. People in the UK will wonder why you have animal pictures and gifs on your phone.
3. There will be a horrible pandemic in just over a month which will ground everyone.
However, you'll find this community full of exciting experiences. And werewolf. Try things! Stay close to your rookie group, they seem destined for great things. Oh, and don't worry about whether you will tell them when you next come to Australia, it'll work itself out.
From future Chipmunk.
P.S. If someone called Chief asks you to form a chess club, it will take a lot of your time.”
The phone rings, and TheInjuryFactory is on the other end sounding worried asking where I am. I tell him that my bladder isn’t cooperating and ask him to distract Ant Bear and Mobbs. He tells me to leave it with him, hangs up the phone, gets up on stage and proceeds to tell a story about the three things he has learned this season. At the end of the story he receives a standing ovation from the dignitaries and audience, however my bladder does not want to oblige. It seems that I’m destined to miss my own graduation ceremony, so I sit back down and watch the screen.
The anticipation in the audience is starting to rise, as the last of the rookies are being announced. Ant calls up GWS Goose, who removes a tin foil mortarboard from his head, steps on the stage, and starts to speak…
“As we approach the end of my first season of SFA, there a number of things I'd love to tell day 1 Rookie Goose. Firstly, you made a good choice, although it looked like fun from the outset, any apprehensions on being involved enough are misplaced. Firstly you'll be involved more than you think, and the level of activity is greatly varied. So don't worry about the time commitment that is flexible.
Choosing the Gumbies was a great choice. It is probably the best fit personality wise (along with a couple of other choices), Picking a team that was rebuilding allowed greater involvement without feeling like a newcomer overstepping the mark.
Also the Over the course of the year you'll get better at the balance between being yourself and having a chat and being in character. If in doubt, fall more on the side of yourself, you'll find you enjoy that more anyway. But don't ditch the faux cocky persona completely. Early in the season I stuck primarily to the match threads, if I had my time over I would explore and be involved more in all the other media threads much earlier. That aspect of the SFA greatly improved the overall experience once involved. Befriending the fellow rookies was a great idea, not only are most of them good fun, it assisted in getting the hang of the place.
Day 1 rookie Goose, by the end of the first season, you'll be grateful that you were tagged into a post about the SFA on the Giants board and the SFA has provided some good entertainment, enjoy the ride.”
I’m then called onto stage. As the other rookies look around to see where I am, Ant Bear asks TheInjuryFactory where I am. TIF tells Ant about my journey of discovery to obtain rookie advice for future generations, and that the car has run out of fuel which has made me “a wee bit late”. Everybody in the auditorium laugh. Being called up to the stage now makes me realise two things – I’ve spent more time finding out what advice others would give than I have figuring out what advice I would give, and that I won’t be receiving any rookie awards from the SFA. Completing the journey is its own reward though, and I still need to do that. Besides, impregnating a DeWhorean is more important than the recognition of my peers right now.
Ant Bear then introduces Bloodied52, who spends the next 25 minutes talking in great details about the Rising Star competition, the complete history of Carthage, his 10 favourite aqueducts, the workings of the Roman Senate, the best fabric to use for a toga and how Pythagoras “got it wrong”. Sections of the audience were left astounded.
It’s only when Ned_Flanders yells out “GET ON WITH IT FLOG!” that Bloodied finally announces that the Rising Star Dux of Season 29 is PurpleGreenRed. As the winner approaches the stage GWS Goose complains that geese are close enough to dux so he should have won.
Mobbs hands the tricoloured winner with a medal and proceeds to give his acceptance speech…
Mobbs then asks him whether he has any advice to give, and this is what he has to say…
“I don't know mate. I just went into it with the mentality of trying to contribute and follow the leads of the established guys. So really my letter would be shore and along the lines of:
PGR... Notes to self on what to do in the SFL
Don't be scared to interact.
Take the time to interact and contribute! Lurking drains you… so much to read!
Be kind (generally) but don't be afraid to (lightly troll) the opposition team members, your team mates and yourself
And learn to drop gifs.
Do this and you'll have a good time,
PGR (older wiser but still as funny)”
As PurpleGreenRed is escorted off stage, Ant Bear then talks about the final award of the ceremony, the SFA Season 29 Valekadictorian Award. Apparently it’s named after an Eagle, which automatically gives it 40% less value. Ant’s starting to get tired by the sounds of it. He’s slurring his words, getting people’s names wrong and for a moment thinks that we’re in season 28. He receives his moment of clarity though when he announces that the Season 29 Valekadictorian is serial_thrilla.
The audience erupt in celebration as Thrills is called up on stage to receive his award. My bladder feels ready to give, but I stick around and watch the rest of the ceremony out of respect for a worthy Valekadictorian winner.
serial_thrilla is congratulated by Ant Bear, Bloodied52 and AceAndy. Mobbs places a medal around his neck and invites Thrills to the lectern to give a speech.
Mobbs then asks Thrills if there’s any advice that he’d like to give, which he does utilising the screen at the back of the stage.
“Hi there serial_thrilla from the start of this season. I'm you from near the end of the season.
You're in for a whacky few months, so here's a few pointers to help keep you on the straight and narrow:
- Stock up on a couple of 36 packs of toilet paper. Maybe some pasta, canned tomatoes and hand sanitizer too. Now. You'll thank me later.
- Come about early March, short sell as many airline shares as you can afford.
- >>> insert previous points <<<
- Use the PM function often. As noted earlier, most people are playing up a persona on here, but they'll general drop the act and be happy for a chat in private.
- SarahSmiles is actually a dude.
- At some point you'll feel compelled to construct a media post exploring the reaction quotients of every SFA player (you'll understand what this means later). For the love of everything, make sure to take into account that reacts only came in around 2011. The veterans are particularly prickly about this.
- Be nice to AuntyBlindEye. Maybe don't harass him to hurry up with the Rising Star Award?
- The rest of Bigfooty turns to crap over the next few months, so you're making the right move."
- Don't go in too hard too early; if you make an ass of yourself it's hard to shake that rep. Stick to posting in team PMs and match threads for a couple of weeks before you understand the lay of the land. Then branch out into media once you're comfortable.
- Learn a little bit about the history of your club. You may think this is just a bit of fun, but the veterans of your club have been involved with it for years. Check out the club history threads in the archives, and ask questions in your team's PM and match threads.
- Try not to get illegally traded to the Bombers a few weeks into the season.
- Want to play a better position on the qooty field? Ask your skipper what you need to do to earn it.
- Be careful what personal details you share: people have been known to be doxxed.
- Create your own brand: there are dozens of rookies each season, so make sure to stand out from the crowd. Are you a spam merchant? A gif specialist? The foodie? The stats nerd? The aggressor? The music nerd? The Photoshop wizard?
- If you hear the term "teaser pony" being used about you, embrace it! You're clearly earning your team's trust.
- If you are talking about someone in a thread, ALWAYS tag them.
- Know the power of the react. Even the grumpiest of pricks enjoys seeing a few love and LOL reacts in their notifications. Throw a few of them around to win over a friend or foe.
- If you get an invite to join something called Werewolf, fob it off as long as possible. 90% of requests to delete SFA accounts are due to Werewolf-related incidents.
- Bond with your fellow rookies. They're the only ones who won't initially look down their noses at you for being a lowly rookie. It's also your best chance to get a feel for the inner workings of other clubs.
- If you ever get an offer to appear on a podcast, do NOT turn it down. Poddies are sacrosanct here.
- If you want near unanimous praise on SFA, rip on the Bombers. They'll kick up a fuss and spam disapproval, but 11 other teams will agree with you.
- If you are a Bomber, start talking to opposition captains about a potential trade in the next off-season. Being part of the swarm is one way to not develop any individuality.
- Realise that at the end of the day, most people in here are playing a character. Don't take anything seriously or personally.
- Do NOT mention real AFL unless prompted.”
Ant Bear then concludes the graduation ceremony by thanking Mobbs, the Rising Star committee and the SFA Leadership Group, and congratulates the graduating rookie class of Season 29 by inviting them all up on stage. He then announces that the festivities will continue with the Graduation ‘Enchantment Under The Sea’ Dance on Saturday night. I’m about to turn the screen off and return to the fuel tank when I notice something in serial_thrilla ‘s hand.
It looks like a copy of the Sweet FA Sports Almanac that I got at the antique store. I rummage through the DeWhorean to confirm my suspicions, and I cannot find it anywhere. Ideas start going through my mind as to what this could mean, when my thought processes are interrupted by my bladder. Opening the fuel tank and doing the needful, I realise that if everyone will be at the dance on Saturday I may still have a chance to give my advice after all.
The DeWhorean won’t be the only thing that’s full of piss.
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- #424
I've clicked Like for the effort, but there's way too many words in that to actually read it
Tonga Bob
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- #425
*sigh*I've clicked Like for the effort, but there's way too many words in that to actually read it
To be fair mate, it's as big as your response.
Besides, the rookies gave the most responses of all of the groups so it was always going to be a big post.
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