Dad jokes - add yours

[see see]

Back in my day, I could walk into a shop with $20 in my pocket and walk out with 6 steaks, 2 roast chickens, a slab of beer, 3 bottles of wine and a couple of loaves of bread.

Can't do that these days. Too many f***ing cameras.

 

[Samsquanch]

Back in my day, I could walk into a shop with $20 in my pocket and walk out with 6 steaks, 2 roast chickens, a slab of beer, 3 bottles of wine and a couple of loaves of bread.

Can't do that these days. Too many f***ing cameras.

 

[Samsquanch]

If a child refuses to nap...




… are they guilty of resisting a rest?

 

[Samsquanch]

A limbo player walked into a bar...




...they lost!

 

[Samsquanch]

Thieves stole all the toilets from a police station...




...detectives are searching for clues but they have nothing to go on.

 

[Samsquanch]

I came home to a note stuck on the fridge from my girlfriend saying, "This isn't working. I'm leaving!"

But I checked the fridge and the beer was still cold so I have no idea what she's talking about.

 

[see see]

My wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing it. Went out. Had a few drinks. Nice guy. He's a web designer.

 

[Frank Thring]

gokangas has been watching Gary Delaney. King of the one liners

 

[gokangas]

gokangas has been watching Gary Delaney. King of the one liners

New discovery - sensationally good.

 

[Frank Thring]

New discovery - sensationally good.

Yes he is.

 

[Samsquanch]

Sorry for being too lazy to look but does anyone remember seeing the joke on this thread about the chiropractor?

Someone posted it about a week back.

 

[Samsquanch]

I'd tell you a good joke about cheese, but It'd go whey over your head.

 

[Samsquanch]

Did you hear about the baked beans that hitchhiked around Australia?

They ended up in Cairns.

 

[Samsquanch]

Teacher: Today, we're going to talk about the tenses. Now, if I say "I am beautiful", which tense is it?

Student: Obviously it is the past tense.

 

[ferball]

My wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing it. Went out. Had a few drinks. Nice guy. He's a web designer.

OT but that sounds exactly like my wife.

 

[Ligma]

Why was the book on anti gravity so popular?

Because no one could put it down


Sent from my iPhone using BigFooty.com

 

[Samsquanch]

OT but that sounds exactly like my wife.

SpiderBurton22

 

[chairo]

• Why did the man fall down the well? Because he didn't see that well!

• What did the pirate say on his eightieth birthday? "Aye Matey!"

• Someone has glued my pack of cards together - I don't know how to deal with it.

• What do you call a zombie who cooks stir fries? Dead man wok-ing

• I was wondering why the frisbee kept looking bigger and bigger, and then it hit me

• I was stood behind a customer at an ATM and he turned around and said "could you check my balance?" - so I pushed him. His balance wasn't that great.

• Why did the scarecrow get an award?
Because he was out standing in his field.

• What did the daddy buffalo say to his son when he left for work? Bison

• Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked.

• What do you call a blind dinosaur? A Doyouthinkhesaurus!

 

[gokangas]

In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.

 

[gokangas]

If you’re stroking a cat on your lap, it’s important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you’re doing with your hand.

 

[Lomas]

If you’re stroking a cat on your lap, it’s important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you’re doing with your hand.

Thanks Jefferey.

 

[Ligma]

If you’re stroking a cat on your lap, it’s important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you’re doing with your hand.

Whoops I’ve done that many times but without the cat on my lap


Sent from my iPhone using BigFooty.com

 

[Lomas]

Whoops I’ve done that many times but without the cat on my lap


Sent from my iPhone using BigFooty.com

Starting to think you are a Tef alt.

 

[Ligma]

Starting to think you are a Tef alt.

No since he didn’t meet up with me last week, he was too scared[emoji24][emoji24][emoji24]


Sent from my iPhone using BigFooty.com

 

[Harvey Manfrenjensenden]

I'd have a fiver on the Dalai Lama.....

If I was a Tibetan man