Dad jokes - add yours

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DERRINALPHIL said:
Your dog must be starving
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Na, there’s 2 cats in the house and he hasn’t eaten those. I used to have 3 chooks but now there’s only 2. He ate one of those!
 
A rabbit walks into a cafe and the bloke behind the counter says can I help you?
Rabbit says, I’ll have a chocolate big M and a cheese toastie.
The guy starts to make it and the rabbit says hang on make that a cheese and tomato toastie.
Man starts to make that and the rabbit say actually make that a tomato toastie.
Man starts making that and the rabbit say hang on make it a cheese, tomato and ham.
The man starts to make that and the rabbit say hang on…
Man gets pissed off and say what’s wrong with you? You got mixamatoasties?
 
My wife thought my laptop on the floor was a set of scales. Now we know my wife weighs 900 dollars.
 
SonofSamsquanch said:
Two hitmen were walking through the forest at night. One says to the other, “ I have to say, I’m a little bit scared of these dark woods.”

The other said, “You’re scared? I have to walk back alone!”
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My mum told me the exact same yesterday off of Facebook lol
 

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Why did the Gungans lose the galactic staring competition?

Jar Jar blinked.
 
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You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy selling them out of his car boot gives you a high four.
 
Lomas said:
Please don't sully this safe space with trade and draft speculation.
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Sorry, I didn’t want to make light of the insightful discussion in said thread.
 
This chloroform smells really expensiv….
 
Yesterday I was at Woolies buying a large bag of Supercoat dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when the woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

On impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog I was just starting the Supercoat Diet again.

I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in hospital last time, but I'd lost 5 kgs before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with Supercoat nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again.

Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me.

I told her no, I stepped off the kerb to sniff an Irish Setter's arse and a car hit me.
 
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