Dad jokes - add yours

[Samsquanch]

Someone has been murdering my weet-bix.

It could be a cereal killer.

 

[gokangas]

My ex-girlfriend would always ask me to text her when I got in. That’s how small my penis is.

 

[Samsquanch]

I picked up a hitchhiker last night. He said that I was brave and what if he had been a serial killer?

I shrugged and said that the odds of two serial killers being in one car would be astronomical.

 

[Samsquanch]

Going to try and make my own German sausages

What's the wurst that could happen?

 

[Samsquanch]

What do you call a paper plane that won't fly?







Stationary

 

[Samsquanch]

Maybe not so much for the kids...


My wife texted me this message, "myspacebarisstuckpleasegiveanalternative"



I'm still wondering, what is a "ternative"?

 

[Samsquanch]

The bartender says, “We don’t serve time travelers here.”

 

[Samsquanch]

People say being a waiter is a bad job...

... but, hey, it puts food on the table.

 

[Samsquanch]

Had to quit my job at the watch factory.

The guy sitting opposite me, kept making faces.

 

[Samsquanch]

The guy who invented velcro shoes thought to himself

'Why knot?'

 

[Samsquanch]

Two men from the future walk into a bar.

 

[WayneShimmiesTheBush]

Where do cows go on the 31st of December?

A Moo Year's Eve party.

 

[ferball]

If you'd edited your first post in this thread to say "Two men from the past walk into a bar" everyone would have lost their minds (eventually, when they worked it out.) Still good tho.

 

[Samsquanch]

What do you get if you cross a sheepdog with a rose?







Collie flower


==========


Why do ducks have feathers on their bottoms?







To keep their bum quacks warm

 

[Hojuman]

What do you get if you cross a sheepdog with a rose?







Collie flower


==========


Why do ducks have feathers on their bottoms?







To keep their bum quacks warm

End to lockdown for you coming soon l hope S.O.S.

 

[Samsquanch]

End to lockdown for you coming soon l hope S.O.S.

How dido you work out that I'm bored to tears Hoj? You got a sixth sense?

 

[gokangas]

I bought a smart light switch but I kept getting outwitted, so I swapped it for a dimmer switch.

 

[gokangas]

“Don’t quote me on that.” - anonymous.

 

[gokangas]

ME: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted.
HER: Oh thanks! What's in it?
ME: What do you mean, "in it"?

 

[Mav]

I bought a smart light switch but I kept getting outwitted, so I swapped it for a dimmer switch.

I bought a chicken to make sandwiches, but the bloody thing was useless. It just shat all over the floor.

 

[gokangas]

I had two horses. One was jet black and I called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark - her name was Eleven Thirty.

 

[gokangas]

I can always tell if a movie doesn't use real dinosaurs.

 

[gokangas]

pr0n paints an unrealistic picture of how quickly you can get a tradesman over to your house.

 

[gokangas]

There’s nothing sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I drop food from the table and she realises it’s lettuce.

 

[Mav]

There’s nothing sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I drop food from the table and she realises it’s lettuce.

Not my dog, he eats raw potato and onion if they drop on the floor. The thing is a vacuum cleaner.