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Beauty & Style Defecating oneself

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Power King said:
Never really shared the story of how I lost my v-plates with anyone so here goes GD.

Ok, well when I was 17 my girlfriend at the time was finally ready to have sex. I, as one might expect of a 17 year old, was very excited. Neither hell nor high water was going to stand between me and my final destination.

I got ready for the night, trim my pubes and shower extra well. Unfortunately there was also an issue which I still have to this day. I have a digestive disorder that sometimes causes my shit to become large and quite solid whilst still inside me. At the time, I wasn't aware it was treatable and just thought everyone had to deal with the equivalent of anal kidney stones. So anyway I bring this up because that day I was brewing a mighty log which had been loaded into the gun for several days.

Let me set the scene. My girlfriend's parents are away so we have her house to ourselves. She was always a little kinky so she demands we do it on her parents bed.

I walked into a damn candle holocaust. She's been working on this all day apparently, and its as bright as high noon in there with the lights off. She proceeds to do a sweet, sexy little dance for me. At 16, she was AMAZING. Then again, she was a Britney Spears fan and always watched her music videos. For those of you who never experienced a female at that age, I pity the fool.

Now I'm sitting on the bed, watching this dance. I smile and think about how good she looks but unfortunately, a lot of my attention is focused on the dull throbbing in my sphincter and the large amount of intestinal discomfort associated with not dropping duce in days. Somehow though I still get hard and we go to town.

She starts out on top, then we switch. I bent her over the bed, and I even smacked her ass hard (I consider this a ballsy move for your first time, but she actually seemed to love it). Due to my built up 'distraction', I last for what seemed like forever. She couldn't stop moaning and telling me how good it felt even though she was in some pain, and then she says what every man loves to hear - "I want you to go in my mouth".

So she goes down on me. She was always average at best in this department but at least she tried. She then takes my dick out of her mouth for long enough to look up at me and say "tell me if you like this". Then I feel it.

She stuck her finger up my ass.

My brain hits the panic switch and every muscle in my entire body locks up tighter than a three year old virgin. But its too late.

I take a massive, PAINFUL, PAINFUL shit, all over her parents comforter.

No. You don't understand. I mean large. Huge. IMMENSE. Take the largest shit you've ever done and multiply that by 42 and you might have an idea of what flew out of me.

And gents, when I say flew, I don't mean your regular dump. I mean projectile. I mean "hurricane force winds hitting an umbrella stand". And due to my condition, it comes out as a large, dark brown, rotten harpoon.

I know some of it hit her even though I didn't see it. She ran out screaming "OH MY GOD OHMYGODOHMYGODEEEEEWWWWWWWW" I always imagined that, due to her position, it hit her right in the chin. Or at least the ****.

I would like to say that I got up to go after her but she was too quick. I heard the bathroom door shut so I just stood there frozen in shock. Then the smell hit me after a few seconds. It smelled like someone rolled a cat in shit and threw it into a tire fire. I looked down and saw, to date, the largest bowel movement I've ever done laying on the bed. Then I noticed the blood, and when I did, I noticed the pain.

Apparently the fact that it was so large caused it to rip my anal walls a little bit and thus bleed (I thought I was bleeding from the inside but the doctor's trip the next day is what taught me of my actual condition in the first place).

There was a small pool of blood where my ass had been near the bed. A final reminder of the exact place and moment I lost my virginity. I will treasure this memory for all my days.

I had to try to fix the situation so without giving a ****, I grabbed my shit with both hands and go to her downstairs bathroom. I throw around a third into the toilet and flush, fearing any more will clog it and only add to my already significant woes.

I go back to the bedroom and I'm just standing there in disbelief, holding the remaining two thirds of my biggest shit of all time, before feeling a trickle of blood flow down my leg, whilst trying to ignore the sharp stabbing pain in my rectum. I find myself wishing I had a photo of this to take to a psychologist.

Anyway, I finish flushing my baby, clean off my hands, jam toilet paper between my cheeks for the blood (I skipped the bandaid as it was too small) and went upstairs. I could hear my girlfriend sobbing from behind the bathroom door. I decided not to say anything to her and just keep moving. The smell in her parents room was abysmal. Its like when you take a shit and walk out of the bathroom and think "hey not so bad today", but then you walk back in to grab your magazine and go "****!!!". It was one of those moments.

The scene is burned behind my eyelids for eternity. My life. My shame. My very first time smelled like a pile of dead babies. I quickly got dressed since the heat from ten thousand candles was making the room feel more like a port-a-potty. I was aware enough to grab the comforter on my way out and drag it downstairs to their washer. Also the top and bottom sheets since the blood had leaked through all the way to the mattress. Still no sign of my girlfriend but at this point I considered it a blessing that she still wasn't there.

I jammed the sheets in the washer with 3 loads worth of detergent and set it on spin, knowing that not even the hand of God would save these linens, let alone Omo.

Then I left. I avoided my girlfriend's calls for days until we arranged for her to come to my house. We had a long talk about what happened. Talk being synonymous with "breaking up with me because I had shat on her". And it was all over. We had broken up. She promised not to tell a soul and I don't think she ever did. She was probably as ashamed as I was about the whole deed. The moment she lost her virginity was also the first time she got hit by a stray. But for me, I will always remember this as the most embarrassing thing that has ever happened in my life.

so yeah, tl;dr
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http://www.ebaumsworld.com/jokes/read/80700663/


Comforter is what made me think copypasta. No one in Aus calls it that. Same with tire instead of tyre.

Great story though. Lost my shit at rolled a cat in shit and threw it in a tire fire.
 

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By the way, the story a couple of pages ago about the guy at the club who rubbed shit all over himself etc...

http://www.news.com.au/top-stories/taser-stuns-faeces-smeared-man/story-e6frfkp9-1111114165827

POLICE have used a stun gun to subdue a man who smeared himself with faeces and blood after being thrown out of a Gold Coast nightclub.

Officers were called after a security guard was assaulted by a man who had been evicted from the club in Orchid Avenue, Surfers Paradise, around 3.30am (AEST) today.

By the time officers arrived, the man had undressed himself and covered his entire body in faeces and blood, police said.

When he refused to co-operate with police, officers used a Taser weapon, which delivers a short-lived electric shock, to subdue him.

A 34-year-old Brisbane man, charged with bodily harm and obstructing police, is due to appear in Southport Magistrates Court on August 27.

Read more: http://www.news.com.au/top-stories/...an/story-e6frfkp9-1111114165827#ixzz1PPRl9GfA
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Not quite the same, but humourous no doubt.
 
I once pissed my pants in about year prep or 1 at school but never ever pissed or shat myself as an adult. I'm suprised to hear so many of you have, is it a blokes thing?? I guess I'm only 20 though so things might go downhill eventually.
 
Power King said:
loling at the imagery


imaginary reps



you have a way with words
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I'm not sure what you mean by this, however, if you're suggesting that my story is fake then you're sorely mistaken.

I was freezing in Europe for the rest of my trip, especially in -8C in Paris because I was without the said Long Johns.
 
jasonwilde said:
I'm not sure what you mean by this, however, if you're suggesting that my story is fake then you're sorely mistaken.

I was freezing in Europe for the rest of my trip, especially in -8C in Paris because I was without the said Long Johns.
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I think you will find he is referring to this
 
Have only shat myself once as an adult.

Was on australia day, drinking lots of course, long walk to the toilets, tried to fart and it ended up being poo. Wiped my ass with my jocks in the port-a-loo, freeballed the rest of the day.
 
Black Thunder said:
if someone was to cover themselves in their own crap (or someone elses, doesn't matter)... would they be breaking any law??
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Doubt it. Police might arrest you for public nuisance or being hazardous or something, if they could get their hands on you.

It could lead into accidentally sharting and covering your legs in crap being against the law...
 
Police can arrest/fine you for having an offensive T-Shirt in a public place.

I'm pretty sure being covered in shit in a public place would constitute some sort of fine, but it also depends on a few other factors. I don't know how it affects Private property like a club.
 

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I am really confused as to whether or not this is a joke. Because I've never done either of those two :/s
 
Epic thread. Shame that some of the best ones are ripped from other sites.

Don't have much to add anyway, never shat myself.

But once did have a blinder of a night out on the beer and ended up pissing the bed that night, all over the gf at the time as well. Fair to say when she woke up through the night she started kicking and pushing me to wake me up to point out what i had did. She was furious and i couldn't help but laugh at it. She was in a foul mood with me for the entire day and it took a bit of groveling to get back in her good books. :D
 
those two ripped off ones were ****ing great.

here i was, pitying you guys whilst reading that!
 
Ed_Gein said:
Epic thread. Shame that some of the best ones are ripped from other sites.

Don't have much to add anyway, never shat myself.

But once did have a blinder of a night out on the beer and ended up pissing the bed that night, all over the gf at the time as well. Fair to say when she woke up through the night she started kicking and pushing me to wake me up to point out what i had did. She was furious and i couldn't help but laugh at it. She was in a foul mood with me for the entire day and it took a bit of groveling to get back in her good books. :D
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Bit crappy to be honest...
 

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THRILLHO said:
http://www.ebaumsworld.com/jokes/read/80700663/


Comforter is what made me think copypasta. No one in Aus calls it that. Same with tire instead of tyre.

Great story though. Lost my shit at rolled a cat in shit and threw it in a tire fire.
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I went through it and quickly changed some of it to make it appear more legit. Missed a few points obviously. Well done.

jasonwilde said:
I'm not sure what you mean by this, however, if you're suggesting that my story is fake then you're sorely mistaken.

I was freezing in Europe for the rest of my trip, especially in -8C in Paris because I was without the said Long Johns.
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Some forums have a reputation (aka reps) system whereby people approve or disapprove of particular posts in order to increase or decrease the reputation of that poster. This forum doesn't have such a system so I was giving you imaginary reputation :thumbsu:
 
Power King said:
I went through it and quickly changed some of it to make it appear more legit. Missed a few points obviously. Well done.
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Hilarious none the less.
 

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