Good one-liners for everyday use??

[Duritz]

My office must be more relaxed than average because there really are no filters and its good fun.
For example
Me: During school I was only really good at maths and quick calculations
Female colleague: I thought the only thing you were good at was being an arseh*le
Me: Nah you're confused I'm good at ruining your mum's arseh*le

Same chick gets a burnt piece of toast
"My toast is more burnt than a Jew in the 1940's"
Our boss is Polish so luckily he wasn't in the room lol. Not sure how he would have taken it.

All good banter. Most people take themselves too seriously

Polish boss huh... I have one for you:

What did the SS officer say to the Polish woman while they destroyed her home? Would you like to polish my wunderwaffe?

 

[Big Bryza]

''At the end of the day...''

''It is What it Is''

Profound stuff right there.

Is it what it is?

 

[Predator35]

Dry as a wooden tit!

 

[Procrastinator35]

Time you looked in the mirror.

Get over yourself.

 

[Gibbke]

I'm as full as a fat lady's sock...

 

[Carl Hooper]

This ain't my first rodeo

 

[flashmanvc]

When someone is struggling to line up a bolt or something into a hole - "put some hair around it and he'll get it in".

 

[Watchyourwaite]

I'm too old for this shit.

 

[PoppedCorn]

Today is dragging like a dog's a.ss on the carpet

 

[Gralin]

One of my high school English teachers used to say don't just stand there like a stale bottle of Foster's

 

[Duritz]

I'm too old for this shit.

So don't post then...

 

[The Lemon]

Today is dragging like a dog's a.ss on the carpet

Don't bullshit a bullshitter mate

 

[Duritz]

Fair shake of the sauce bottle.

 

[Andronicus]

All good banter. Most people take themselves too seriously

Really?

Not from the examples you gave.

 

[iluvparis]

My office must be more relaxed than average because there really are no filters and its good fun.
For example
Me: During school I was only really good at maths and quick calculations
Female colleague: I thought the only thing you were good at was being an arseh*le
Me: Nah you're confused I'm good at ruining your mum's arseh*le

Same chick gets a burnt piece of toast
"My toast is more burnt than a Jew in the 1940's"
Our boss is Polish so luckily he wasn't in the room lol. Not sure how he would have taken it.

All good banter. Most people take themselves too seriously

If your boss is Polish good chance he is not a Jew

 

[Gough]

Julian Clary's one liner here about then Chancellor of the Exchequer Norman Lamont, killed his career for a long time.
Caution NSFW.

 

[Procrastinator35]

Julian Clary's one liner here about then Chancellor of the Exchequer Norman Lamont, killed his career for a long time.
Caution NSFW.

Are you feeling lucky punk?

 

[Gralin]

Today on the radio

I'm sweating like a gypsy with a mortgage

 

[flashmanvc]

From Jimmy Carr, responding to a heckler. But to my mind can be used when an annoying member of the public comes up and interferes with your work...

"Excuse me, mate. I'm trying to do my job but you are very much getting in the way. It's not nice and I wouldn't do it to to you. I mean, how you you like it if I came down to your work and knocked the sailors' dicks out of your mouth".

 

[Pea Nut]

One that is not used nearly enough - "F*cking the dog".

For the uninitiated -

f*cking the dog
Not doing anything in particular because you have nothing to do or in an attempt to kill time.

The game doesn't start for another hour so I guess I'll just be f*cking the dog until then.

My boss is going to be pissed off when he finds out I was f*cking the dog all day.

http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=****ing the dog

 

[Andronicus]

A few good suggestions, but the vast majority make me feel like I'm listening to a 90's bogan family talking round the dinner table.

 

[Doss]

You couldn't hit water if you fell out of a boat.

 

[Perth gal]

About as popular as a pork sausage at a Jewish bbq.

About as useful as an ashtray on a motorbike.

 

[Perth gal]

A few good suggestions, but the vast majority make me feel like I'm listening to a 90's bogan family talking round the dinner table.

Maybe you are.

 

[Andronicus]

Maybe you are.

Bravo.