Perfect long term relationships that go sour

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Ha ha ha it's funny isn't it. I came home one day and mine said we are done after 15 years of marriage. Completely out of the blue. Didn't want counselling, didn't want trial separation, just boom, we are done. Told me there was no one else but funnily enough she had had some quality alone time in Melb by herself two weeks prior. Within a month of her departure I find she was seeing her ex boyfriend who was Melb based.... hmmmm a little fishy but I was assured this wasn't the case. PPPpfffft yeah right! Anyway, turns out he was a prick so she ended that one and decided a lovely man from the USA was the go. Went through hell with her convincing the 4 kids that living in USA was living in paradise and they all threatened to disown me if I wouldn't sign paperwork for them to leave. At the last minute Mr USA had a reality check and said to her she can come but not the kids so that went to shit too. Now she's with a narcacistic sociopath who has brain washed her to the point all the kids bar one have left her to live with me and have disowned her. The youngest one will make the move too shortly I'd say.

It's funny, you think you know someone and are convinced they are as committed to you as you are to them but they can just leave it all so easily. I put it down to a midlife crisis for her.

Anyway, worked out for the best. I am with a top lady now and we have a great life together. Wouldn't have the ex back if you gave me 40 million dollars.
Wow. I can relate mate.

It wasn't unusal for my ex to be up early & before me so I got woken up as she was rummaging through her jewellery box on the drawers in our bedroom one morning. As I pretty much always was, I was happy I got to see her before she left for work, so happily said goodmorning... I thought it was weird that she ignored me & rushed out of the room. A few minutes later she came in, sat on the end of the bed & coldly (no tears, no emotion at all actually) said she was staying at a friends that night as she "needed some space". That was the lasting memory she has now left despite 13 & a half years prior to that. Unfortunately that moment is the first & last thing that flashes up when I think about her now. Not our wedding day. Not our first kiss. Not her smile or her eyes. That cold, dead, emotionless look. The complete lack of caring for the person who, at that point, would have literally done anything for her & had no idea how she really felt.

Looking back I should've seen the warning signs but didn't. Her's was a bit of a mid-life crisis too I reckon. She was drinking more, going out more, not wanting to hang around with me, she got tattoos without even mentioning anything beforehand, joined roller derby & started a whole new life with new people before even having the courage to face her old life & end things properly. It got too hard for her & rather than face her/our issues she ran away. That is what she always did. Ran away when it got too hard. She was a spoilt child growing up & always got what she wanted. That transferred into adulthood. Unfortunately she chose wrong (IMO) & hurt the ond person who stood by her through her own depression, anxiety, work stress & other health issues. When I needed her she turned her back on me & never even looked back to make sure I was ok in the end.

I know she could have handled it a hell of a lot better. I deserved a little more respect for all the years I gave to her. On the flip side, I'm proud of how I handled (& still handle) it.

On the rare occassion I have to talk to her she now tries to use one of my nicknames & seemingly wants to be mates. Having known each other for about 15-20 years now & coming from the same country area, we have alot of mutual friends etc which makes it a bit harder but ultimately she is not the same person I fell in love with, married & loved unconditionally. Even today I still love my beautiful, smart, funny, happy, amazing wife. I always will. She is not that person anymore. Unfortunately that person I loved is dead & gone & never coming back. I don't even recognise who she is now, nor would she recognise me.

Life goes on & I am now honestly content & happy with that & excited about the future.
 
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MEB_

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Think she’s changed a bit, she’s offended some people and they say I could do and deserve better etc. She’s got a pretty strong personality and has got on the wrong side of a few people.
They can have their opinions I guess but at the end of the day your relationship is between you and your wife and they should respect that.
 

Catfish Alley

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They can have their opinions I guess but at the end of the day your relationship is between you and your wife and they should respect that.
That’s nice and simply put. Thanks. After talking a lot through, that’s where we are at now. We’ve chosen each other and need to cancel out some of the ‘white noise’.
 

Yakker

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Wow. I can relate mate.

It wasn't unusal for my ex to be up early & before me so I got woken up as she was rummaging through her jewellery box on the drawers in our bedroom one morning. As I pretty much always was, I was happy I got to see her before she left for work, so happily said goodmorning... I thought it was weird that she ignored me & rushed out of the room. A few minutes later she came in, sat on the end of the bed & coldly (no tears, no emotion at all actually) said she was staying at a friends that night as she "needed some space". That was the lasting memory she has now left despite 13 & a half years prior to that. Unfortunately that moment is the first & last thing that flashes up when I think about her now. Not our wedding day. Not our first kiss. Not her smile or her eyes. That cold, dead, emotionless look. The complete lack of caring for the person who, at that point, would have literally done anything for her & had no idea how she really felt.

Looking back I should've seen the warning signs but didn't. Her's was a bit of a mid-life crisis too I reckon. She was drinking more, going out more, not wanting to hang around with me, she got tattoos without even mentioning anything beforehand, joined roller derby & started a whole new life with new people before even having the courage to face her old life & end things properly. It got too hard for her & rather than face her/our issues she ran away. That is what she always did. Ran away when it got too hard. She was a spoilt child growing up & always got what she wanted. That transferred into adulthood. Unfortunately she chose wrong (IMO) & hurt the ond person who stood by her through her own depression, anxiety, work stress & other health issues. When I needed her she turned her back on me & never even looked back to make sure I was ok in the end.

I know she could have handled it a hell of a lot better. I deserved a little more respect for all the years I gave to her. On the flip side, I'm proud of how I handled (& still handle) it.

On the rare occassion I have to talk to her she now tries to use one of my nicknames & seemingly wants to be mates. Having known each other for about 15-20 years now & coming from the same country area, we have alot of mutual friends etc which makes it a bit harder but ultimately she is not the same person I fell in love with, married & loved unconditionally. Even today I still love my beautiful, smart, funny, happy, amazing wife. I always will. She is not that person anymore. Unfortunately that person I loved is dead & gone & never coming back. I don't even recognise who she is now, nor would she recognise me.

Life goes on & I am now honestly content & happy with that & excited about the future.
Jesus christ you married my ex's sister!!! :p
 

MEB_

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That’s nice and simply put. Thanks. After talking a lot through, that’s where we are at now. We’ve chosen each other and need to cancel out some of the ‘white noise’.
Maybe that's what you need to tell people if they try to sway you another way, that you've chosen each other.
 

Andre

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That couldn't be helping. The rockiest patch my marriage went through was when my Mother-in-law was sticking the proverbial knife in the back not that long after the birth of our first child (who had health issues, so this was worst possible timing). It wasn't a great situation for either my wife or me. On the one hand, she was used to listening to her mother's opinion, whilst I (when I twigged this was happening), felt stuck as directly criticising her mother could put my wife's back up. At the time my wife's sisters then husband appeared Mr. Perfect - charming, well off, attentive to the MIL.

Thankfully my wife realised her mother was sticking the knife in without cause and started ignoring those comments and not too long after the 'perfect marriage and husband' of the Sister in law showed up as the scam it/he was, as he was an emotionally abusive and controlling spouse. MIL came to the realisation that 'ok' me, who was/is as she saw me was better than a perfect son-in-law who was anything but. Still during that time it provided an unnecessary wrench in the works that could have seen things go pear shaped for no good reason.

I'd be telling your family to back off, or at least, become better actors and be nice to your wife. You're the one caught in the middle and going to be copping at least some of that resentment, deserved or not.
 

Catfish Alley

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Past the point of acting I'm afraid. It's amazing how parents can just make you feel like a 16 year old who doesn't know what they want. My wife has done some things that have put them offside. But I'm late 30's with a couple of kids and a great wife who I chose to be with. I'm a fairly private person so I think maybe they only heard me talk about my marriage when things were down. I should have talked my wife up and let them know early where I stand. This is pretty much our first rough patch in 16 years together and we got pushed to the brink. There was other stuff too but the family stuff certainly hasn't helped.
 

Andre

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Past the point of acting I'm afraid. It's amazing how parents can just make you feel like a 16 year old
16? I’ve kids 12 and 10, but if seeing folks or talking to mum, she’ll still be ‘make sure you’re wearing a jumper / jacket, it’ll be cold at the football’. I think mums stop seeing you getting older at about 10.
 

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MEB_

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Past the point of acting I'm afraid. It's amazing how parents can just make you feel like a 16 year old who doesn't know what they want. My wife has done some things that have put them offside. But I'm late 30's with a couple of kids and a great wife who I chose to be with. I'm a fairly private person so I think maybe they only heard me talk about my marriage when things were down. I should have talked my wife up and let them know early where I stand. This is pretty much our first rough patch in 16 years together and we got pushed to the brink. There was other stuff too but the family stuff certainly hasn't helped.
You're bound to have some problems over 16 years with the same person. Being determined to give it a good crack at fixing it is admirable.
 

Catfish Alley

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One thing, for example, is that we lost a child before we had our oldest son. I know that is common. But he’s 5 now and we never grieved over that together.

We just got a little tree and planted it and hugged each other. That’s very personal. But I just want to say to others out there to please deal with things as they come up because otherwise it will cause heartache. And it will impact other areas of life.
 
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MEB_

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One thing, for example, is that we lost a child before we had our oldest son. I know that is common. But he’s 5 now but we never grieved over that together.

We just got a little tree and planted it and hugged each other. That’s very personal. But I just want to say to others out there to please deal with things as they come up because otherwise it will cause heartache. And it will impact other areas of life.
I'm sorry for your loss. Your tribute to your baby sounds lovely and so meaningful.
 

Run n Spread

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Past the point of acting I'm afraid. It's amazing how parents can just make you feel like a 16 year old who doesn't know what they want. My wife has done some things that have put them offside. But I'm late 30's with a couple of kids and a great wife who I chose to be with. I'm a fairly private person so I think maybe they only heard me talk about my marriage when things were down. I should have talked my wife up and let them know early where I stand. This is pretty much our first rough patch in 16 years together and we got pushed to the brink. There was other stuff too but the family stuff certainly hasn't helped.
You need to tell the relatives (in the nicest possible way) to bugger off. And I mean no harm and in the nicest possible way but you're right they still view you as a teenager. They can't help it. You're the boy they watched grow up. (I'm sure I'll be the same with younger relatives).

BUT you're a grown man now and you're choices good or bad are the ones you and only you have to live with. In life you get assigned a role and are typecast. But life is an evolving process. You are not a child anymore nor are you the same young (I think from your previous posts) man who got married. So make a choice and make the best of it.

I myself am in a completely different situation but should maybe follow my own advice.
 

james Dean

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Thanks BR, I've been going to the footy a fair bit. In regards to exercising I'm trying, it's just many days the gym slowly turns into the pub on the way home. Alcohol is giving me some respite from the constant thoughts. I know its not the answer but I just... can't help it...

Im just really struggling with doing any activity that we used to do together. Even going food shopping at the moment is just so difficult...
How's everything going mate?
 

dave123

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dave123 I see you're back. need an update dude
dave123 I see you're back. need an update dude

I stopped internet dating about 7 months ago.....I had one girl for fun but she was not stable enough for relationship

Two months later I met a girl at the pub through a friend and we’ve been together for five months and in good stable relationship ..she’s cute and loves horses, paddle boarding and footy .....

She’s a child protection worker and had similar views on the word ...she’s cool

Five months in and we are planning a holiday together
 

dave123

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i wonder what happened to dave

I had a life issue ...well my sister did and I needed to take stock

She has significant mental health issues and I needed to help her.

I’m a busy guy ....full time work, 2 kids 11, 13 50% custody, study, community commitments and other stuff

Got my life mojo back ...work is tough stilll but it’s betetr than it was ...love my job though and it pays well

Relationship wise see other post ....all good ....been with same girl for 5 months ....
 

Smoooothy

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I stopped internet dating about 7 months ago.....I had one girl for fun but she was not stable enough for relationship

Two months later I met a girl at the pub through a friend and we’ve been together for five months and in good stable relationship ..she’s cute and loves horses, paddle boarding and footy .....

She’s a child protection worker and had similar views on the word ...she’s cool

Five months in and we are planning a holiday together
fantastic mate. happy for ya!
 
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