Media A Message To You Rookie

[por_please_ya]

has been following the whole of the conversation very intently

Is this a subtle dig at me following this entire thread like a .... hawk?!

LOVED IT hahahaa. Dying lol.

Loonerty you look very handsome in that suit... I had to step out of my sensory deprivation pod for a moment to say this.

 

[Tonga Bob]

Is this a subtle dig at me following this entire thread like a .... hawk?!

LOVED IT hahahaa. Dying lol.

Loonerty you look very handsome in that suit... I had to step out of my sensory deprivation pod for a moment to say this.

I like to think of it as a shout out, but yes.

 

[Agent93]

Finally, I'd advise myself to move to the Bombers before Haro to prevent this timeline from ever occurring.”

We entered the Darkest Timeline when haydo put the goatee on the Wonders logo.

 

[Tonga Bob]

When I wake Doc is standing over me, about to attach jumper leads to my nipples.

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I push the old pervert away and sit up. I’m back outside the antique store. Doc tells me that as I was leaving I slipped on a banana peel, fell and hit my head on the pavement.

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As I run the back of my head, Doc explains that he has a lead for me on where the next team will be, so back into the DeWhorean we go. You’d think I’d be used to the exploding car by now, let alone the wacky destinations that Doc takes me.

No. No I am not.

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We escape the sparks to find ourselves driving in red dirt. We find ourselves in arid countryside, small bushes are all that stand between it and desert. There’s a large weirdly shaped mountain in the distance. The DeWhorean’s radio starts playing chase music. Doc says, “That could only mean one thing”; when he looks into the rear-view mirror his suspicions are confirmed. A tribe of Indians native Americans on horseback are approaching rapidly.

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Doc guns the car over the red landscape, however horsepower is no match for horse aglilty, as the equine vehicles fare better over the terrain.

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The native Americans surround us. Knowing that escaping them is an exercise in futility, we stop the car.

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Several of them approach us on foot. They surround the car and start urinating on each of the wheels. I say to Doc that this is pretty f**ked up right here, but Doc seems excited. “Great Scott! This is a traditional Mount Buller greeting! They must be the Demons!” He then speaks with them in their own language, before telling me to get out of the car and run to their village, and they will share their wisdom with you. I ask Doc why he is staying behind in the car instead of running with me. Doc laughs and laughs and laughs and laughs.

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After running for what seems like an eternity, I arrive at their village. I catch my breath, and one of the natives hand me an earthenware mug of liquid. I drink its contents before remembering their traditional greeting. As I begin gagging, the native laughs and says in perfect English “This my friend is oolong tea from the summit of Mount Buller. It has unique medicinal qualities, like those found in a super supreme pizza.”

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I ask him where Mount Buller is. He points to the large weirdly shaped mountain in the distance and says “Welcome to Demon Country. My name is Chief manangatang, which is Bullerian for ‘He Whose Media Defies Comprehension’. The spirits have foretold your arrival, ‘Young Islander Buck Who Writes A Lot But Is Also Good At Pretend Sports And Will Be Generously Recognised At The End Of The Season’”. I ask him to call me Bob. He says simply “K.”

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Chief Manangatang takes me to the rest of the tribe and asks me to sit down with them. As I do so he takes a drag from a peace pipe and blows the smoke in my face. Through the haze he says that the Demons will now close their eyes, reach back in time to their younger selves, and give themselves advice on what to do in the SFA.

Chief Manangatang kicks things off. A man after my own heart, he is proficient in many things and even good at a few of them!

“Dear rookie self,

So you’ve landed at the Furies two thirds of the way through a season and have no idea what this is all about. It’s pretty weird, isn’t it, this whole fake football business?

There will come a time where you must choose - do you push forward in spite of the spam and weird gifs? Or do you exit back to the confines of the Richmond board?

I’d probably still tell you to go for it. I mean it’s a deranged pit of freaks at the best of times, but it does have its endearing qualities. Like hugs from pantsredacted; the proud look in Van_Dyke ’s eyes when he looks at you; the tasteful shooping from Tigerturbulance.

Choose the path to engagement and in no time you will spending inordinate amounts of time away from work and your real life.

Just piece of advice for your limited rookie season - go bitchslap both Yakker and BEEG and take that EKA away from them.

Love,

future you”

Proper Gander approaches Chief Manangatang, and greets him in the customary Bullerian manner:

“Whoa, Chief Demon Manangatang!

How, Chief Demon Manangatang!

Chief Demon, we love you, Manangatang.

But not in that way, Manangatang.

You’re always witty, Manangatang.

It’s kinda shitty, Manangatang.

No, Chief Demon Manangatang.

Whoa, Chief Demon Manangatang.”

They then perform some sort of secret handshake before Proper Gander, whose name means ‘Little Furry Cartoon Who Hides In The Bushes’, turns to me and provides her advice to herself…

“Dear Proper Gander

Okay so you’ve agreed to join the SFA for some reason. Just post. Post something, anything. Do not spend all your time lurking the MBD match threads trying to work out what you are expected to do. It’s going to take you three seasons of trying to decipher the rules before the penny drops and you realise you can just do whatever occurs and see what happens. You’re probably quite scared of making a mistake and I know you’re scared of pretty much every single poster on SFA other than possibly Headless. It’s ridiculous. Cut it out directly and BE BETTER.

Oh and while I’m here, since you have joined the Mt Buller Demons, it might be courteous to check out some background and work out who is on your team before launching a flurry of confused somewhat aggressive posts largely aimed at Tarkyn_24. Yes he is actually on your team you dipstick, not just showing up frequently by strange coincidence. And while on the topic, it probably should take less than two-and-a-half months to make the surprise discovery that cats2rise is your captain.

I‘ll let you go now Gander to make a home for yourself in the league. I leave you with these three things to remember:

1. Test Tickle will ask you to participate in his interview series. Do not be flattered. Do not mistake this for achieving some kind of profile in the league. Testy interviews EVERYONE - he will interview you again within 12 months because he’s already forgotten that you have appeared in his media before.

2. Warriors will make a vague attempt to poach you. See point 1. Its less flattering when you discover that you’re probably the 235th person they have approached in that same week.

3. Don’t pay attention to the hive-mind - this poster is a flog, that team are w***ers. Make up your own mind. You’ll probably eventually discover that the hive had some sound reasoning going, but at least you got there on your own.

Best of luck PG, and don’t spend all of your time dreaming of a higher Beez finish then Headless. Realistic goals are best goals.”

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The next Demon to respond is Callums_Guns, whose name means ‘He Who Establishes Space In The Marking Contest Using Karate Kicks’. He is a person that’s very family-oriented, so much so that he’s actively making it larger. His advice reflects this fatherly nature…

“Dear CG,

You are receiving this message because you just received a message from Yakker, please delete and don't reply.......only joking

He won't teach you much especially if you don't ask, basics you will need to know how to tag, you may cop some flak from TJASTA but he becomes more helpful then you think.

Ask your team what a gif is because those little 3 second video things aren't youtube.

The big one which by the time your 3 seasons in you would've lost your chance to have that someone to teach you to photo shop, you need to fix that !!

Early on someone will get to you called cooney don't loose your s**t, you will end up buying him a beer 1 day

Other then that enjoy the ride and remember the scores are random and don't take it too serious

p.s - Be good to your wife you will never be out of the dog house so be patient, happy wife happy life ”

I then make my way to cooney. His name means ‘Shouting Excitedly’. A passionate Red, he has a real flair for showing his emotions to go with his economy for words…

“Just enjoy the ride!”

As we exchange woos, Harvey Manfrenjensenden approaches me, whose name means ‘Eater Of Goldfish’. He hands me an iPad. Where he got that from I’ll never know. I read from the iPad…

“Dear YearOfTheRoos,

The Love Parade is the greatest piece of media ever produced and don't let anyone ever tell you otherwise. Stay the course and remember it's all about the.....

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One day if asked you can peel back the story like an onion. You're right Elton Johns Wig is a giant cry baby, the Season 25 Rookie love fest is the most cringe worthy thing you will ever know. But whatever you do, do not apologise It will haunt you for the rest of your days.”

moginie is the next Demon to speak. His name means ‘Oils Ain't Oils’ and, like many of his teammates, provides some quality advice…

“Dear moginie,

Do you remember the old saying "It's all fun and games until somebody loses an eye?" Well, that's what participating in the SFA is going to be like. You'll meet some great people, some from your own team and some from others but don't get carried away. It's like one of those parties in April at the HiFi Bar - you remember - when everyone present thought that they were the funniest person in the room but all decided to talk at once.

Don't get sucked in when particular posters taunt you, and then if challenged resort to name calling like a schoolyard bully. But you'll be lucky. By halfway through your second season she will have shat in her nest with so many other people that she won't be around.

Respect the traditions. They may be as imaginary as the games that are played every week, but a lot of people take them very seriously.

Post emoticons whenever you see TJASTA post. He loves it.

You will enjoy your involvement in match threads with the Bombers. Don't kid yourself that posters from other clubs will respond so positively.

Don't be surprised if you favour posting against one club as opposed to another. The fact that you can still count your total number of posts against the Swampies and not hit double figures isn't a reflection on you.

Try not to post drunk. I know that can be difficult at times and I shouldn't be doing it now, but you are really tapdancing in a minefield and it mightn't end up as funny as you think.

Only one player in your team can post "Wooooo". It's a trademark of his.

Balance your work within the ensemble. You aren't doing this to get the kudos from other faceless people. You're doing it for a laugh. That was one of the major reasons you signed up in the first place.

You've got some fantastic people on your team. Ignore those from other clubs who say that you're insular. If they were anywhere near as interesting or funny they wouldn't have to resort to some tired old schtick that was ancient when Whitlam was still Prime Minister.

The Headless mantra of "Qooty is SO EASY" & Qooty is SO HARD" has more than a modicum of truth. But when you're not effectively doing anything to influence things one way or another just enjoy the ride.

Re-read every post you type. Don't be afraid to delete the lot. Maybe I should have taken this advice too. But that's what comes from posting drunk. (I did tell you not to! Why don't you listen!!!!)”

I then feel a hook catch onto my clothes, and the line attached to it pulls me towards a hazy figure. This must be Yakker, whose name in Bullerian means “Fisher of The Blind Mullet”. He reels me in and begins speaking…

“Dear Yakker (or should I call you Mr 74%?)

I know you're trepidatious right now walking into a talent packed team with Qooty legends such as cats2rise, Headless , Oddhawk , sausageroll , Smartys Power , sante , Elton Johns Wig , cooney , Rodney Dangerfield, DemonJim all ably led by Van_Dyke , but deep down you feel you belong at this level. Remember, running around in bare feet playing for the Finke River Flatheads has given you the platform you need for greatness. What if I was to tell you you would win the clubs S24 Rookie of the year and the EKA by season end? What if I was to tel you you would win the Clubs B&F and your second Eth award by the end of your second season as well as runner up in the Mobbs to go with your first All SFA selection? Young Yakker, what if I was to tell you that in S26 you would become captain of the greatest winning percentage side in the leagues history and you would go on to win the S26 grandfinal, All SFA selection again and as captain? What if I was to tell you that season 27 you would lead your charges to another finals berth after finishing top of the table and make All SFA again for the 3rd season running? What if I was to tell you you would relinquish the captaincy in S28 and be pushed into an obscure position because your posting dropped away which then resulted in you missing the All SFA side? Add to this that you make the grand final and lose to the Dragons FFS? What if I were to tell you that your dream of finally playing alongside your greatest hero Harvey Manfrenjensenden would become a highlight of your career only to have your heart ripped from your chest upon hearing he is leaving in an expansion bid attempt with fu**en haydo of all people? So have a good think about whether you walk through that door because what may be a short term feeling of euphoria will eventually turn into a bitter, hurtful, anger filled , rage fuelled cesspit of disappointment.

Signed
Broken Hearted”

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Escaping the lure of Yakker, I now turn to Headless who, as his name suggests, does not have a head. Actually that isn’t quite right – he has a head, he just keeps losing it. The King Missile song ‘Detachable Penis’ was loosely based on his life story. His name translates as ‘The Shoulders Are The Interchange Bench Of The Body’, and provides the following insights…

“H, you're going to become an absolute legend of the league, but here are some things to note:

• For sake of legacy, do more early. Comparatively, captaincy in early seasons will be (IMO) much easier and less time-consuming than in later ones. Bit of recruiting, bit of team posting. Get it done when you can, because you certainly won't have the energy to do so later. You might even turn down captaincy at one point - don't do that!
• Instead of investing time posting in other leagues on other sites, post in this league instead. It'll outlast the others and has more history.
• Media will be king. Be an early proponent.
• Request the interchange. It's simply the best position.”

The next Demon to speak is _Cayz_, whose name in Bullerian means ‘Boxy But Nice’. Cayz may be cardboard-based but has experience beyond their manufacturing date, which shows in their advice…

“I started in S21 at the Furies, went to the Bombers for a season and I think this is my third season for the Dee's now.

I think i'd tell my rookie self not to take the captaincy in my second season but then we all would have missed out on some quality content. I'd also say post less gifs you ******* dickhead. Honestly I was a terrible rookie, I probably actually belonged at the Swamprats during that time because all I did was spam post and gif.”

A beep goes off. sausageroll, whose name in Bullerian means ‘Satisfier Of Late Night Convenience Store Patrons’, is warmed up and ready to go…

“Welcome to groundhog day, rookie.”

And just like that, sausageroll was finished.

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Van_Dyke now approaches me. His name translates as ‘De Langste Speler Bestuurt De Kraan’, and has tutored many a rookie as I was keen to hear his advice to himself...

“What would I tell my rookie self?

The 1st thing I'd tell him, would be to enjoy the posters at your club while you've got them. Things change, people come and go faster than you might think. After my first season, both of our co-captains had moved on, one to the Royals and the other to semi-retirement and the scene down at the Demons had dramatically changed. For most of Season 21, our team seemed to be myself, Smartys Power, cooney and sometimes okeydoke7 and cats2rise. That season sucked despite our best efforts, but by the end of Season 22 we had turned it around to be one of the better sides thanks to some great recruits and rookies (and BRAB).

That being said, it didn't take long for s**t to go downhill again with the great Buller coup. The most important thing I learnt out of all that, is when you're looking to bring people in, no matter how bad the situation you shouldn't be bringing people in and making them captain immediately already. If for whatever reason it doesn't work out as hoped, it goes south very quickly.

At the end of the day, this league is about having fun, and when things are bad things aren't fun at all. The better the people that you can get around the club, the more fun you'll have and it only leads to better and better things.

I've been lucky enough to bring in some great posters to the club and the league, and having a mixture of bringing in a mixture of rookies, returning players and players from other clubs is very important, and it doesn't really matter how long they stay. The few seasons we got out of Rodney Dangerfield, roo2maccaand the season that we got out of Elton Johns Wig was simply fantastic who have contributed a large amount to the league and what they left behind at the club.

There's up and downs along the way, but there's plenty of great posters in this league that make it well worth it.

And never forget,
#sacksmartys”

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Quivorir, whose name translates as 'He Whose Tardiness Fits In With His Whole Lazy Ass SFA Persona' dances across and sticks his oddly-shaped head into the conversation with a simple piece of advice...

"Do not become captain of a club."

DemonJim, whose name in Bullerian is ‘He Whose 1980’s Tom Cruise References Are Elite, The Best Of The Best’, is trying to speak with Proper Gander. He keeps saying “Talk to me, Goose”, but Proper Gander has ejected and is nowhere to be found. Dejected, he turns to me and talks…

“My time was a bit different TB. I was a pioneer as to what the posting looks like today in the SFA. When I hit the league the posting was minimal and you'd find a few pages worth of match posting. That was pretty much it. We brought the more than 5-10 posts per person in with the activity!

I wish a had however gone harder at league admin boncer34 at the time because the trolls bid would have worked out, he just didn't want to deal with a bye week!
S14 was a long time ago so it's hard to remember too much about then.”

The final Demon to speak is Tarkyn_24, whose name means ‘The Sharpshooter From The West’. He has few points but many goals. He sits me down and provides a worthy contribution…

“The biggest thing I’d want to remind myself is that this is an escape from reality. Everyone plays it differently, some like to be hard and put on a faux tough guy image and some like to enjoy things as they come. While elements of both and knowing when to talk hard trash is a huge part to the competition, you need to find the difference between sharp and angry and make sure you only embrace the former. At the end of the day, everyone’s here to enjoy themselves and early on in my career I focussed too much on “winning” the banter than just being a happy contributor that would grow others enjoyment as well.

Also, there is no point to retiring. People burn out and retiring might create that mental line but if you have a passion for the league you will always want to return. The recurring feature is that everyone will have their quieter times but the ones that really care about the competition hang in and ride out the time they spend being less passionate about it.”

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The Demons then bang on a drum and start shouting out aloud in some sort of ancient drum therapy session. It all looks like new age shithousery to me, so I take my leave of Mount Buller.

Walking back to the DeWhorean, I process what the Demons stand for as a team. They are a resourceful people who are well led, with a history that can be traced back to the dawn of time. They have every chance of seeing further success in the not too distant future.

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Doc has parked the car in some sort of cave to keep cool. The flog also left the air conditioner on which drained the battery. When I get to the car he tells me to start pushing and says that I’m the flux capacitor now. I swear that for a genius, Doc can be as dumb as a leg of lamb sometimes.

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EDITOR'S NOTE: The Demons post has been amended to include additional advice from Quivorir.

 

[por_please_ya]

EDITOR'S NOTE: The Demons post has been amended to include additional advice from Quivorir.

LOL. Sage advice there.

 

[Quivorir]

I do not have an oddly shaped head.

 

[Loonerty]

I do not have an oddly shaped head.

I do

 

[Tonga Bob]

LOL. Sage advice there.

That avatar tho!!!!!!

 

[Quivorir]

I do

Its not odd mate, its unique.

 

[Ned_Flanders]

I do

yep you do

 

[Tonga Bob]

yep you do

Beefeater, aged 6.

 

[por_please_ya]

That avatar tho!!!!!!

It had to be done

 

[Red mist]

Hi. That was good.
Does Tonga Bob mean a floating coconut?

 

[GWS Goose]

Hi. That was good.
Does Tonga Bob mean a floating coconut?

I like what you did there

 

[Red mist]

I like what you did there

What did I do?

 

[haydo]

We entered the Darkest Timeline when haydo put the goatee on the Wonders logo.

That's an iconic goatee mate

 

[Tonga Bob]

Hi. That was good.
Does Tonga Bob mean a floating coconut?

Thanks Misty!

Good question. My name is a bit more literal than that, it translates as ‘Robert from the Kingdom of Tonga’.

Floating Coconut was my father’s name.

 

[Red mist]

Thanks Misty!

Good question. My name is a bit more literal than that, it translates as ‘Robert from the Kingdom of Tonga’.

Floating Coconut was my father’s name.

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Thanks for the family pic, bless.
Give me more proof you’re from Tonga like a Mclovin driver’s license.
Ffs I just think you’re having a lend of Tonga.

 

[Tonga Bob]

Thanks for the family pic, bless.
Give me more proof you’re from Tonga like a Mclovin driver’s license.
Ffs I just think you’re having a lend of Tonga.

Here's me at the Olympics.

 

[por_please_ya]

Here's me at the Olympics.

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What er... what lovely oiled skin you have!!

Agent93: GET BACK IN YOUR POD!

 

[Dinsdale]

What er... what lovely oiled skin you have!!

Agent93: GET BACK IN YOUR POD!

he uses a body double for public appearances

 

[Tonga Bob]

I wake up, back in the DeWhorean. Doc tells me that I’ve had a nap. I explain my experience in the Eyrie as Doc puts a funny-smelling rag back in his pocket. I ask him what the funny smell is and with a weird sort of guilty look on his face Doc says it’s the plutonium from the engine.



We are parked back in town, outside of an old run down theatre. The sign at the front is falling apart. It looks like it used to say ‘THE FURRIES SHOW’, however one of the R’s is falling off the sign, making it say ‘THE FURIES SHOW’. Doc tells me that despite the condition of the building I’ll still find the Furies inside, and that no matter how surly they may act, they are a really friendly group. I leave Doc in the DeWhorean and, not exactly sure what to expect, I enter the theatre through a side entrance.



When I enter I see the Furies rehearsing some sort of variety performance. They are putting in a lot of effort and they have all the enthusiasm of a jet-powered monkey bike, but when I step on a creaky floorboard they all stop and glare at me menacingly.



“Who the f**k are you, flog?” says one moustachioed man.

“Hello friend! The f**k are you doing here? I don’t know, I’m new here” says a woman of dubious origin before giggling maniacally.

The leader, a man with a bulbous head and a suspicious package in his pants tells the others to “f**k up campaigners” and approaches me. “Righto son, what brings you to the Furies Show?” I tell him that I am on a journey of discovery to collect advice that posters from all across Sweet would give to their rookie selves.



After consulting with his companions, the bulbous headed man turns back and says “Your Doc’s boy aren’t ya? Yeah alright, we’ll help you out.” His mood lightens somewhat. “My name’s Tigerturbulance, and these are my fellow Furies Ned_Flanders and TJASTA ”. The other two are still scowling, as if somebody has shat in their shoes. “First things first though. Do and take a seat while we finish our rehearsal. He gestures for me to sit in the stalls near the orchestra pit, as he and the rest of the Furies take the stage.



Once I’m seated, the theatre lights dim and the Furies break out into song…

“It's time to play the qooty.
It's time to flog the flogs.
It's time to meet the Furies on the Furies Show tonight!
It's time to love our muscle.
It's time to get uptight.
It's time to unleash Fury on the Furies Show tonight.

“Why do we always come here?
I guess this much is true.
It's like a kind of torture
To share our goon with you.

“But now let's get things started,
Why don't you get things started,
It's time to get things started
On the most nonsensical, irritational, celebrational, furytational,
This is what we call the Furies Show!”

Wow, these Furies have some talent in their socks after all! After they finish congratulating each other I ask them to close their eyes, reach back in time to their younger selves, and give themselves advice on what to do in the SFA.



The first to speak is Tigerturbulance, who is the MC of the team. He is a larger than life presence (245 kgs of presence to be precise), which is exactly what is needed to keep the rest of the team in line, and his advice reflects the gravitas he has with the team…

“Dear Little Turbo,

You become 245kg of love muscle, 2 x Best & Fairest and the captain of the Furies, can you believe it? In season 25, you just went at it not knowing anything, some may say you were a spammer. Lots of posters told you to EAD and generally found you to be rude and not to their taste, but regardless you kept swinging.

It’s not all bad. Finally getting an understanding of the SFA and getting to know who the deviate, alcoholic fuelled maniacs are, is even better than you imagined. The ability to push boundaries and buttons and feeling comfortable that a massive pink thing has its place in the SFA; I wouldn’t trade it for the world.

There are some things I wish you would have done differently, though. If only you had known, then what you know now. That is why I’m writing to you!

You don’t know it yet, but after you start posting in a Tony Lynn 15 thread in your rookie season he keeps lifting the level of noncompliance and you blindly jump in and post until you can only post bondage pr0n to go one up. You get a few weeks off for that, but that’s not the problem, as you see season 26 you go to banhammer prison and S27 and S28. You are a repeat offender and some call you incorrigible. However in writing this letter to the young Turbo I am hoping to make you understand the slippery slope you go on once you activate your Pornhub account and go platinum and the stigma of being an ex-con that you will have to carry.

I don’t hold my past decisions against myself — don’t worry, you can keep the Pornhub account — but I wish there were some other things I had known. Maybe if you would have posted bondage pr0n without the breasts it would have worked out better? Maybe the post of you running naked with @TestTickle was pushing the boundaries. Having said that, please do not lose the appreciation of the naked form and let the PC crowd control this form of visual art.

Now, you have a qooty career at the Furies you love and even run a podcast were you get s**t faced on goon and interview guests, asking whatever you like – just not professionally. Who knows, maybe you’ll get there!

Though you probably should have done some things differently, you’re right where you need to be now. Don’t stop drinking goon, even the stuff Ned_Flanders just brewed an hour ago, get as many free lap dances as you can from kittens, and stay on the drug enhancement program manangatang gets you on, as you will bulk and turn into one huge rucking unit.

Right now, the SFA is a confusing place and you will be slapped down, ignored and told to EAD by people you don’t know. Do not sweat it, don’t be in a race to be liked, be who you are, post when you want and not for the sake of posting. Stay loyal to the Furies and life gets a whole s**t load better. Trust me, you are going to have a great time, including your stints in Banhammer prison, because you won’t be able to help yourself!

Just be you, you sick bastard!

Your Future State

Tigerturbulance”



Ned_Flanders is the next to speak. The quintessential book that shouldn’t be judged by its cover, Ned may look like a quiet left-handed church-going neighbourino but he comes across as a cranky f**k. Don’t let that fool you though, because just like a goon bag he’s toxic on the outside but sweet on the inside. And speaking of goon bags, he’s carrying one with a ‘Flanders Bitter’ logo on it. Must be his personal stash. He takes a swig out of it, grimaces in pain, then proceeds to speak truth…

“Dear Flog,
Right now you're about to quit. You're bored as fu** because every w***er here speaks solely about stupid in jokes, no-one has any time for rookies, and Wacky Tiger sold you a bill of goods and you wanna punch the flog in the neck.

Don't. It takes 10 seasons, but eventually you overthrow most of the douche bags, burn their f’ed up half hats, and piss off the emo cry baby sooks like _Cayz_ to clubs where their chemical romance loving ways are appreciated.

Yes, you still have to put up with Wacky Tiger , and yes the flog still deserves to be punched in the neck, but at least he isn't NaturalDisaster .

PS. whatever you do, at the end of S29, DO NOT OPEN IT!”



The next to get up on stage is TJASTA. You never know what you’re going to get with TJASTA. Or who. If TJASTA wanted to start an expansion team in the SFA they could use each of their personalities to fill all of the required positions! Come to think of it, the TJASTA Tittybongs has a decent ring to it. Anyway, here is their advice to all of their younger selves…

“I was a season 24 rookie, but I did not post too much because I only came on BigFooty on the day Richmond was playing. I don't really know I would tell my younger self to do better, the obvious advice would be 'to post more'. But in fairness, I came to the league at a weird time. I guess my advice would be the same I give to rookies now: 'You do you (as long as it does not break the site rules) and don't let other club posters sucker you in'.

Something to avoid would be not to be vanilla. Don't just be the 'hehe i am a rookie' type of poster like I was for season 24 and most of season 25. Once you realise how the league works, start to develop some form of personality. Ask your teammates about what makes your club different from the other 11 (or soon to be 13) or make something new. Keep the league on its toes.

I don't know if I anything regarding a post I did and didn't send. I think that stuff comes in towards season 26 .”

I’ve noticed JackBero roaming around the place, being generous with his time, talking with people, and pretty soon he makes his way to me. “G’day champ” he says to me, and gives me the following notable advice…

“I'd probably tell myself to get more involved in things outside of match threads. What I didn't realise around the time that I joined was how big things like media threads were in the SFA. I thought that it was based pretty much purely around the sim. It was only around the end of last season which I started discovering media threads and found it that it was almost a bigger part of the SFA than the sim.”

I see Hate in the background, doing the work behind the scenes which, if not done, would make the place fall apart. I wave to get their attention. They nod, smile and give me small wave back before continuing their work. I remind myself of the saying about how loud actions speak before continuing with the rest of the Furies.



I then visit This Is Anfield, who never seems to be alone. They have a stately presence yet are very capable of hosting an awesome European night. This is what they have to say…

“Dear young TIA (well, less old),
As you leap headfirst into the Sweet FA and spam the s**t out of it, a whole heap of "has beens" and "figjams" will whinge and carry on... ignore them.



Also, don't get sucked into any interactions with sanctimonious campaigners like Son Of God, you'll soon discover that he's NQR.
In the same vein, don't waste your time with posters that turn nasty and claim "it's only my persona, I'm a nice guy"... as if someone writes their s**t for them.
Lastly, don't worry about turncoat flogs like Wacky Tiger and Hate as they'll come crawling back to the Furies eventually.”

Moving on to ChappyUK, my expectations are high as to the quality of advice. After all, Chappy comes from the land of Shakespeare, Dickens, Austen, Eliot, Orwell and Brontë. What is forthcoming though is more succinct…

“My first season at the Warriors I played back pocket. I was dragged every week and one game got donuts. Woosh then delisted me.

My advice would be engage so you aren't put in the back pocket. Active posters get good positions.”



Shadow Man is the next Fury to appear. He appears to be a rebel and a shitsitrrer, but like Ned_Flanders is a real softy deep down. He even recited poetry to his younger self…

“Dear Shadow, welcome to SFA. You are going to start at Dragons, find success at the Bombers before landing at the Furies the place you call home. You will meet a real mixture along the journey, conversing with legend blokes, legends of the game and legends in their own lunchboxes. You will learn to take it all with a pinch of salt and just have a bit of fun. Avoid the the try-hards, encourage the passionate banterers and revel in the company of the genuinely funny bastards. It's not reality and that's kind of the point, mostly this game connects you with some cracking cats from all over Australia who share a common passion in the greatest game on earth.

We should all be forever grateful to Mobbs for creating a game where you don't have to train

Enjoy, keep it simple and always remember.......

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with Kings—nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds’ worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that’s in it,
And—which is more—you’ll be an SFA Man, my son!”

I try to find Wacky Tiger, however it seems as though the theatre has a rodent infestation and Wacky’s under the stage planting dynamite. Hope he knows what he’s doing!

An empty pint glass falls from a balcony and shatters in front of me. Jumping down behind it is Carson Dial. I recognise Carson from my hometown, so we get along well. The dictionary definition of ‘scallywag’ would have his picture in it. His advice covers many topics…

“My advice to a younger Carson,

Don't worry how many or how few posts you make. Sometimes they will flow easily and other times they won't, that alright.

If somebody wrongs you call them out, but be aware of the limits of what you can or can't post. You know what they are.

Its fine to drink goon before, during and after a Qooty game, but you can run into trouble if you overdo it when posting. BEWARE.

Enjoy the SFA experience and don't take things too seriously, you're just dealing with a bunch of personas, some nice, some not so nice, but remember its fantasy. There are some really good posters that you can learn from, and the best posters aren't necessarily the one who have been around longest.

Above all else have fun, but if you get tired of posting, take a break. That's OK too.”

Carson then goes back to the balcony bar where he is in deep conversation with The Half Back. I wonder what they’re talking abut when I notice movement in a balcony box.



In the balcony box are two people who seem to be unable to stop talking. They are Rioli8217 and Grockadoc. After what seems like an eternity, Tigerturbulance calls out for Maurice to come down and rehearse his dance act.



Maurice gets up on stage and performs a most intricate dance to a medley of old footy songs. He is as nimble as he is talkative. Like him, the dance seems to be new yet has a long and storied history. Underneath the tiger lies the heart of a bulldog.

He finishes the dance, takes a swig out of Ned’s goon bag much to Ned’s chagrin, and provides his advice.

“Don't prematuraly retire...
jk

Learn a bit more of the words like campaigner, melt and understand people's posting backgrounds learn to combat their posting.

Give Barrybran more s**t about not nominating me for after having 30 disposals for two weeks in a row.”

The curtains fall on the stage and the Furies adjourn to the rfctigerarmy Bar – it’s Wednesday so they’re cracking open the top shelf goon bladders. As Ned walks me back to the side entrance, he leaves me with a parting thought: “We don’t do weird”. I ponder this thought along with everything else I’ve experience watching the Furies Show. They are a team that have seen better days. Victims of their own success, it has taken a few years for them to restore some pride and initiative, and now seem to be on the cusp of something special. And it looks like some of their old swagger is back. God help us all!



I walk back to the front of the theatre to meet up with Doc, but when I get there I discover that the DeWhorean is gone! In its place is an empty tub, which I recognise as the one from the antique store that used to contain green plasticine. It looks like this journey is about to go from the sublime to the ridiculous.

 

[serial_thrilla]

I wake up, back in the DeWhorean. Doc tells me that I’ve had a nap. I explain my experience in the Eyrie as Doc puts a funny-smelling rag back in his pocket. I ask him what the funny smell is and with a weird sort of guilty look on his face Doc says it’s the plutonium from the engine.

View attachment 878377

We are parked back in town, outside of an old run down theatre. The sign at the front is falling apart. It looks like it used to say ‘THE FURRIES SHOW’, however one of the R’s is falling off the sign, making it say ‘THE FURIES SHOW’. Doc tells me that despite the condition of the building I’ll still find the Furies inside, and that no matter how surly they may act, they are a really friendly group. I leave Doc in the DeWhorean and, not exactly sure what to expect, I enter the theatre through a side entrance.

View attachment 878378

When I enter I see the Furies rehearsing some sort of variety performance. They are putting in a lot of effort and they have all the enthusiasm of a jet-powered monkey bike, but when I step on a creaky floorboard they all stop and glare at me menacingly.

View attachment 878379

“Who the f**k are you, flog?” says one moustachioed man.

“Hello friend! The f**k are you doing here? I don’t know, I’m new here” says a woman of dubious origin before giggling maniacally.

The leader, a man with a bulbous head and a suspicious package in his pants tells the others to “f**k up campaigners” and approaches me. “Righto son, what brings you to the Furies Show?” I tell him that I am on a journey of discovery to collect advice that posters from all across Sweet would give to their rookie selves.

View attachment 878380

After consulting with his companions, the bulbous headed man turns back and says “Your Doc’s boy aren’t ya? Yeah alright, we’ll help you out.” His mood lightens somewhat. “My name’s Tigerturbulance, and these are my fellow Furies Ned_Flanders and @TJASTA”. The other two are still scowling, as if somebody has shat in their shoes. “First things first though. Do and take a seat while we finish our rehearsal. He gestures for me to sit in the stalls near the orchestra pit, as he and the rest of the Furies take the stage.

View attachment 878382

Once I’m seated, the theatre lights dim and the Furies break out into song…

“It's time to play the qooty.
It's time to flog the flogs.
It's time to meet the Furies on the Furies Show tonight!
It's time to love our muscle.
It's time to get uptight.
It's time to unleash Fury on the Furies Show tonight.

“Why do we always come here?
I guess this much is true.
It's like a kind of torture
To share our goon with you.

“But now let's get things started,
Why don't you get things started,
It's time to get things started
On the most nonsensical, irritational, celebrational, furytational,
This is what we call the Furies Show!”

Wow, these Furies have some talent in their socks after all! After they finish congratulating each other I ask them to close their eyes, reach back in time to their younger selves, and give themselves advice on what to do in the SFA.

View attachment 878384

The first to speak is Tigerturbulance, who is the MC of the team. He is a larger than life presence (245 kgs of presence to be precise), which is exactly what is needed to keep the rest of the team in line, and his advice reflects the gravitas he has with the team…

“Dear Little Turbo,

You become 245kg of love muscle, 2 x Best & Fairest and the captain of the Furies, can you believe it? In season 25, you just went at it not knowing anything, some may say you were a spammer. Lots of posters told you to EAD and generally found you to be rude and not to their taste, but regardless you kept swinging.

It’s not all bad. Finally getting an understanding of the SFA and getting to know who the deviate, alcoholic fuelled maniacs are, is even better than you imagined. The ability to push boundaries and buttons and feeling comfortable that a massive pink thing has its place in the SFA; I wouldn’t trade it for the world.

There are some things I wish you would have done differently, though. If only you had known, then what you know now. That is why I’m writing to you!

You don’t know it yet, but after you start posting in a Tony Lynn 15 thread in your rookie season he keeps lifting the level of noncompliance and you blindly jump in and post until you can only post bondage pr0n to go one up. You get a few weeks off for that, but that’s not the problem, as you see season 26 you go to banhammer prison and S27 and S28. You are a repeat offender and some call you incorrigible. However in writing this letter to the young Turbo I am hoping to make you understand the slippery slope you go on once you activate your Pornhub account and go platinum and the stigma of being an ex-con that you will have to carry.

I don’t hold my past decisions against myself — don’t worry, you can keep the Pornhub account — but I wish there were some other things I had known. Maybe if you would have posted bondage pr0n without the breasts it would have worked out better? Maybe the post of you running naked with @TestTickle was pushing the boundaries. Having said that, please do not lose the appreciation of the naked form and let the PC crowd control this form of visual art.

Now, you have a qooty career at the Furies you love and even run a podcast were you get s**t faced on goon and interview guests, asking whatever you like – just not professionally. Who knows, maybe you’ll get there!

Though you probably should have done some things differently, you’re right where you need to be now. Don’t stop drinking goon, even the stuff Ned_Flanders just brewed an hour ago, get as many free lap dances as you can from kittens, and stay on the drug enhancement program manangatang gets you on, as you will bulk and turn into one huge rucking unit.

Right now, the SFA is a confusing place and you will be slapped down, ignored and told to EAD by people you don’t know. Do not sweat it, don’t be in a race to be liked, be who you are, post when you want and not for the sake of posting. Stay loyal to the Furies and life gets a whole s**t load better. Trust me, you are going to have a great time, including your stints in Banhammer prison, because you won’t be able to help yourself!

Just be you, you sick bastard!

Your Future State

Tigerturbulance”

View attachment 878385

Ned_Flanders is the next to speak. The quintessential book that shouldn’t be judged by its cover, Ned may look like a quiet left-handed church-going neighbourino but he comes across as a cranky f**k. Don’t let that fool you though, because just like a goon bag he’s toxic on the outside but sweet on the inside. And speaking of goon bags, he’s carrying one with a ‘Flanders Bitter’ logo on it. Must be his personal stash. He takes a swig out of it, grimaces in pain, then proceeds to speak truth…

“Dear Flog,
Right now you're about to quit. You're bored as fu** because every w***er here speaks solely about stupid in jokes, no-one has any time for rookies, and Wacky Tiger sold you a bill of goods and you wanna punch the flog in the neck.

Don't. It takes 10 seasons, but eventually you overthrow most of the douche bags, burn their f’ed up half hats, and piss off the emo cry baby sooks like _Cayz_ to clubs where their chemical romance loving ways are appreciated.

Yes, you still have to put up with Wacky Tiger , and yes the flog still deserves to be punched in the neck, but at least he isn't NaturalDisaster .

PS. whatever you do, at the end of S29, DO NOT OPEN IT!”



The next to get up on stage is TJASTA. You never know what you’re going to get with TJASTA. Or who. If TJASTA wanted to start an expansion team in the SFA they could use each of their personalities to fill all of the required positions! Come to think of it, the TJASTA Tittybongs has a decent ring to it. Anyway, here is their advice to all of their younger selves…

“I was a season 24 rookie, but I did not post too much because I only came on BigFooty on the day Richmond was playing. I don't really know I would tell my younger self to do better, the obvious advice would be 'to post more'. But in fairness, I came to the league at a weird time. I guess my advice would be the same I give to rookies now: 'You do you (as long as it does not break the site rules) and don't let other club posters sucker you in'.

Something to avoid would be not to be vanilla. Don't just be the 'hehe i am a rookie' type of poster like I was for season 24 and most of season 25. Once you realise how the league works, start to develop some form of personality. Ask your teammates about what makes your club different from the other 11 (or soon to be 13) or make something new. Keep the league on its toes.

I don't know if I anything regarding a post I did and didn't send. I think that stuff comes in towards season 26 [big grin emoji].”

I’ve noticed JackBero roaming around the place, being generous with his time, talking with people, and pretty soon he makes his way to me. “G’day champ” he says to me, and gives me the following notable advice…

“I'd probably tell myself to get more involved in things outside of match threads. What I didn't realise around the time that I joined was how big things like media threads were in the SFA. I thought that it was based pretty much purely around the sim. It was only around the end of last season which I started discovering media threads and found it that it was almost a bigger part of the SFA than the sim.”

I see Hate in the background, doing the work behind the scenes which, if not done, would make the place fall apart. I wave to get their attention. They nod, smile and give me small wave back before continuing their work. I remind myself of the saying about how loud actions speak before continuing with the rest of the Furies.

[furies 10.jpg]

I then visit This Is Anfield, who never seems to be alone. They have a stately presence yet are very capable of hosting an awesome European night. This is what they have to say…

“Dear young TIA (well, less old),
As you leap headfirst into the Sweet FA and spam the s**t out of it, a whole heap of "has beens" and "figjams" will whinge and carry on... ignore them.

[tia 1.png]

Also, don't get sucked into any interactions with sanctimonious campaigners like Son Of God, you'll soon discover that he's NQR.
In the same vein, don't waste your time with posters that turn nasty and claim "it's only my persona, I'm a nice guy"... as if someone writes their s**t for them.
Lastly, don't worry about turncoat flogs like Wacky Tiger and Hate as they'll come crawling back to the Furies eventually.”

Moving on to ChappyUK, my expectations are high as to the quality of advice. After all, Chappy comes from the land of Shakespeare, Dickens, Austen, Eliot, Orwell and Brontë. What is forthcoming though is more succinct…

“My first season at the Warriors I played back pocket. I was dragged every week and one game got donuts. Woosh then delisted me.

My advice would be engage so you aren't put in the back pocket. Active posters get good positions.”

[furies 2.jpg]

Shadow Man is the next Fury to appear. He appears to be a rebel and a shitsitrrer, but like Ned_Flanders is a real softy deep down. He even recited poetry to his younger self…

“Dear Shadow, welcome to SFA. You are going to start at Dragons, find success at the Bombers before landing at the Furies the place you call home. You will meet a real mixture along the journey, conversing with legend blokes, legends of the game and legends in their own lunchboxes. You will learn to take it all with a pinch of salt and just have a bit of fun. Avoid the the try-hards, encourage the passionate banterers and revel in the company of the genuinely funny bastards. It's not reality and that's kind of the point, mostly this game connects you with some cracking cats from all over Australia who share a common passion in the greatest game on earth.

We should all be forever grateful to Mobbs for creating a game where you don't have to train [thumbs up & rainbow emojis]

Enjoy, keep it simple and always remember.......

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with Kings—nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds’ worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that’s in it,
And—which is more—you’ll be an SFA Man, my son!”

I try to find Wacky Tiger, however it seems as though the theatre has a rodent infestation and Wacky’s under the stage planting dynamite. Hope he knows what he’s doing!

An empty pint glass falls from a balcony and shatters in front of me. Jumping down behind it is Carson Dial. I recognise Carson from my hometown, so we get along well. The dictionary definition of ‘scallywag’ would have his picture in it. His advice covers many topics…

“My advice to a younger Carson,

Don't worry how many or how few posts you make. Sometimes they will flow easily and other times they won't, that alright.

If somebody wrongs you call them out, but be aware of the limits of what you can or can't post. You know what they are.

Its fine to drink goon before, during and after a Qooty game, but you can run into trouble if you overdo it when posting. BEWARE.

Enjoy the SFA experience and don't take things too seriously, you're just dealing with a bunch of personas, some nice, some not so nice, but remember its fantasy. There are some really good posters that you can learn from, and the best posters aren't necessarily the one who have been around longest.

Above all else have fun, but if you get tired of posting, take a break. That's OK too.”

Carson then goes back to the balcony bar where he is in deep conversation with The Half Back. I wonder what they’re talking abut when I notice movement in a balcony box.

[furies 4.jpg]

In the balcony box are two people who seem to be unable to stop talking. They are Rioli8217 and Grockadoc. After what seems like an eternity, Tigerturbulance calls out for Maurice to come down and rehearse his dance act.

[furies 9.jpg]

Maurice gets up on stage and performs a most intricate dance to a medley of old footy songs. He is as nimble as he is talkative. Like him, the dance seems to be new yet has a long and storied history. Underneath the tiger lies the heart of a bulldog.

He finishes the dance, takes a swig out of Ned’s goon bag much to Ned’s chagrin, and provides his advice.

“Don't prematuraly retire...
jk

Learn a bit more of the words like campaigner, melt and understand people's posting backgrounds learn to combat their posting.

Give Barrybran more s**t about not nominating me for after having 30 disposals for two weeks in a row.”

The curtains fall on the stage and the Furies adjourn to the rfctigerarmy Bar – it’s Wednesday so they’re cracking open the top shelf goon bladders. As Ned walks me back to the side entrance, he leaves me with a parting thought: “We don’t do weird”. I ponder this thought along with everything else I’ve experience watching the Furies Show. They are a team that have seen better days. Victims of their own success, it has taken a few years for them to restore some pride and initiative, and now seem to be on the cusp of something special. And it looks like some of their old swagger is back. God help us all!

[rookie self 38.jpg]

I walk back to the front of the theatre to meet up with Doc, but when I get there I discover that the DeWhorean is gone! In its place is an empty tub, which I recognise as the one from the antique store that used to contain green plasticine. It looks like this journey is about to go from the sublime to the ridiculous.

[tbc.gif]

Just a heads up mate: Tigerturbulance is actually female.

 

[TJASTA]

that was okay ead

 

[Tonga Bob]

Just a heads up mate: Tigerturbulance is actually female.

The autotune on his podcast is broken then.