Dad jokes - add yours

[Groucho]

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. Dunno what they were laced with but I’ve been trippin’ all day.

 

[Bigeasy]

My dad was the town drunk, which isn't so bad but NEW YORK CITY!

One day he was kicked out of the local pub for bring drunk and disorderly. The officer send he had the right to remain silent however he didnt have the ability.

 

[Rooboys Rool]

I think it’s just terrible and disgusting how Lance Armstrong was treated after winning the Tour de France seven times whilst on drugs.

When I was on drugs I couldn’t even find my bike.

(Willie Nelson)

 

[SonofSamsquanch]

What do you call it when Batman skips the church?

Christian Bale

I asked that one to my son. He said, "what?"

I ****ed it up when I said Michael Keaton.

Had to come back here to check the answer.

 

[Mav]

I asked that one to my son. He said, "what?"

I ****** it up when I said Michael Keaton.

Had to come back here to check the answer.

LOL fricking LOL!

What does Batman’s mum call him?

Nothing, she’s dead.

 

[darko]

I asked that one to my son. He said, "what?"

I ****** it up when I said Michael Keaton.

Had to come back here to check the answer.

What's Batman's favorite fruit?

Ba-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na.

 

[danj]

I had a wooden dog.

Wooden bark.

Soooo i got a steel dog.

Steel wooden bark

 

[DarkPhoenix]

What's Batman's favorite fruit?

Ba-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na.

What's the difference between Batman and a petty thief?

Batman can go to a store without Robin

 

[rickety]

What's the difference between Batman and a petty thief?

Batman can go to a store without Robin

Its as bad as what's the difference between Gold Coast and a fireman?

A fireman can climb a ladder

 

[ianl]

Have to preface this by saying it was our 26th wedding anniversary yesterday...

Me: "I'm going to buy you a huge diamond for our wedding anniversary"
Wife: "Nothing would make me happier than a huge diamond".

So I got her nothing - always trying to make her happy.

 

[Bertie22]

As Batman is in vogue....The Joker stole a steamroller and ran over Batman and Robin. They survived as Flatman and Ribbon!

 

[SonofSamsquanch]

I bought home fish and chips for tea on Friday night. Fifteen y/o son wasn't home so i wrapped his in paper and put them in the oven while we ate ours.

When he got home I ask, "where were you?"

"Just at the girl's house down the road. She's in my class. We were doing maths homework," he says.

"Did you get up to anything else?" I asked as he started eating his tea.

"Nup," he replied, then said, "These fish burgers are delicious!"

"They're potato cakes son, go wash your hands."

 

[ferball]

What's a potato's least favorite day?

Friday.

 

[ferball]

A mushroom walks into a bar and asks for a beer. The barman folds his arms shakes his head and says: "We don't serve your sort in here."

The mushroom, taken aback a little, looks at the barman and asks: "Why not? I'm a fun guy."

 

[Twinkletoes]

If you don’t like plain olives get stuffed!

 

[The acurate one]

3 elderly ladies sitting at a bus stop, a flasher exposed himself- two had a stoke the third couldn't quite reach.

 

[Luke72]

Where did the watermelon go on his summer holiday? John Cougar's Melon camp

 

[WayneShimmiesTheBush]

A book fell on my head, I can only blame my shelf.

 

[WayneShimmiesTheBush]

What do you call a dog with no legs?


it doesn't matter, it still wont come to you.

 

[gokangas]

Dad is holding his new born baby for the first time.
Baby looks up and says - are you my dad?
I am, son, says the dad.
Baby reaches up and pokes him as hard as he can in the forehead.
Friggin hurts, doesn't it.

 

[D23D]

What do you get when you cross Woosher with Scotts?

A spud farm

 

[gokangas]

Captain has a chance lift.......nup.

 

[Mav]

Son: Dad, do you think the Kangas will win.
Dad. Yes son, I do.

 

[danj]

Brad Scott

 

[Waynesworld]

Brad Scott

Frickin' hilarious!!!