Dad jokes - add yours

[Lomas]

Not my dog, he eats raw potato and onion if they drop on the floor. The thing is a vacuum cleaner.

Mine would eat the cutlery if it fell off the table at dinner time.

 

[krakouers]

There’s nothing sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I drop food from the table and she realises it’s lettuce.

Used to have ducks, when I’d take lettuce to them ours would follow me and beg to get at it, now she still eats it

 

[ferball]

Not my dog, he eats raw potato and onion if they drop on the floor. The thing is a vacuum cleaner.

Mine would eat the cutlery if it fell off the table at dinner time.

Used to have ducks, when I’d take lettuce to them ours would follow me and beg to get at it, now she still eats it

I don't get it.

 

[Mav]

I don't get it.

Keep trying

 

[krakouers]

I don't get it.

Mine was factual lol

 

[gokangas]

My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we are. But I laugh more.

 

[gokangas]

I think it's pretty cool how 
the Chinese made a language entirely out of tattoos.

 

[gokangas]

Melbourne Cup weekend is the beginning of the Christmas shopping season for women. For men its Christmas Eve.

 

[gokangas]

Nostalgia: How long’s that been around?

 

[gokangas]

What should you do when 
you see an endangered animal 
eating an endangered plant?

 

[gokangas]

I told my girlfriend that it looked like she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.

 

[gokangas]

I used to date a hoarder, and she broke up with me. That stings extra hard—I’m like the one thing she can get rid of.

 

[gokangas]

Every novel is a mystery novel if you never finish it.

 

[gokangas]

Judo: the ancient Japanese art of getting people to buy lots of belts.

 

[CharlieMortdecai]

Nostalgia: How long’s that been around?

Nostalgia just isn't what it used to be.

 

[Lomas]

Nostalgia just isn't what it used to be.

Do you remember nostalgia back in the day? How good was that!?

 

[ferball]

Do you remember nostalgia back in the day? How good was that!?

So much better than it is now.

 

[Hojuman]

So much better than it is now.

When you look back on it nostalgia is really overrated.

 

[Grogg]

A married couple were fast asleep one night when they hear a knock at the door, so the husband gets up and answers it.

"Sorry to disturb you, just wondering if I could get a push?" says the visitor.

"Nah, its too late, I need to be up early, sorry champ" says the husband, and shuts the door.

He goes back to bed, and the wife asks "Who was that?"

"Just some guy whose car has broken down".

A couple of minutes later, another knock at the door. The husband answers again.

"Sir, please can I get a push, there's no-one else around here" says the guy at the door.

Reluctantly, the husband agrees, and goes to get his shoes.

When he goes outside, the man is gone, so he calls out "Where are you?"

"I'm over here, on the swing".

 

[gokangas]

My electric toothbrush ran out of charge so I had to brush with my acoustic toothbrush.

 

[Lomas]

Just made my vegetarian daughter a faux bacon, lettuce, avocado and tomato sandwich. Feeling a bit flat.

 

[gokangas]

Wife: I'm leaving you.
Me; Is it because you reckon I think I know everything?
Wife: Yes
Me: Thought so.

 

[gokangas]

LAWYER: Did you kill him?
ME: No.
LAWYER: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME: Much less than murder.

 

[see see]

I got kicked out of a karaoke bar for singing Danger Zone five times in a row.

Apparently I exceeded the maximum number of Loggins attempts.

 

[Hojuman]

I got kicked out of a karaoke bar for singing Danger Zone five times in a row.

Apparently I exceeded the maximum number of Loggins attempts.

Spose they told you to hit the highway on the way out ?