Looking for feedback

[PTpie]

Hi all I'm currently studying a diploma in Sports Journalism in my spare time away from my real job, real life and the footy. What I would love to do is post some articles that I've written and hear some thoughts from you lot.

I've braced myself for criticism and I'm hoping for some praise but what I would really love is some insightful, constructive feedback.

I know I'm probably posting this in the wrong area of the forum (move it if necessary! Vicky Park Gone Critical Magpie Girl NT.Thunder ) but I wasn't sure where to post it. I am thinking of starting my own blog so I can put whatever I want up there but it's a bit scarey taking that step as I am opening myself up to interwebs and all that comes with it.

Anyway, for those interested I'll attach the documents so you can read them if you want. If you think it may be better to just post each article separately then I can do that as well.

Thanks for your assistance,
PTPie

 

[jmac70]

Hi all I'm currently studying a diploma in Sports Journalism in my spare time away from my real job, real life and the footy. What I would love to do is post some articles that I've written and hear some thoughts from you lot.

I've braced myself for criticism and I'm hoping for some praise but what I would really love is some insightful, constructive feedback.

I know I'm probably posting this in the wrong area of the forum (move it if necessary! Vicky Park Gone Critical Magpie Girl NT.Thunder ) but I wasn't sure where to post it. I am thinking of starting my own blog so I can put whatever I want up there but it's a bit scarey taking that step as I am opening myself up to interwebs and all that comes with it.

Anyway, for those interested I'll attach the documents so you can read them if you want. If you think it may be better to just post each article separately then I can do that as well.

Thanks for your assistance,
PTPie

Firstly I would say congratulations on returning to study. You have chosen to follow your passion which is always the right choice. I read your first article and would recommend a clearer essay style structure. Make your arguement clear in the first paragraph and limit one topic to each subsequent paragraph. Finish with a clear conclusion. Good luck with your course.

 

[Bring_Back_Brad]

Needs more controversy. If you you want to stand out you have to stir up some trouble, dig some dirt on someone, expose someones bad behaviour and watch them fall from grace. If you've got nothing, make some shit up, it's probably true anyway.

 

[NT.Thunder]

Hi all I'm currently studying a diploma in Sports Journalism in my spare time away from my real job, real life and the footy. What I would love to do is post some articles that I've written and hear some thoughts from you lot.

I've braced myself for criticism and I'm hoping for some praise but what I would really love is some insightful, constructive feedback.

I know I'm probably posting this in the wrong area of the forum (move it if necessary! Vicky Park Gone Critical Magpie Girl NT.Thunder ) but I wasn't sure where to post it. I am thinking of starting my own blog so I can put whatever I want up there but it's a bit scarey taking that step as I am opening myself up to interwebs and all that comes with it.

Anyway, for those interested I'll attach the documents so you can read them if you want. If you think it may be better to just post each article separately then I can do that as well.

Thanks for your assistance,
PTPie

Hey PTpie - good on you for the study. I could put you onto a sports journo who writes for the Geelong Addy who is a long time poster on BF if you like....I could at least ask him if he's willing to have a look and give you some advice and insight into the industry as when I've spoken to him on other forums he's mentioned just how tough and ruthless the industry is at the moment.

Let me know anyway, I can at least ask for you.

 

[Markfs]

you have a good grasp of grammar

 

[Snag Breac]

Needs more controversy. If you you want to stand out you have to stir up some trouble, dig some dirt on someone, expose someones bad behaviour and watch them fall from grace. If you've got nothing, make some shit up, it's probably true anyway.

That's for professional journos. Bide your time PTpie.

I like your pithy prose. It keeps racing along, so we get good info-value per line. Watch your apostrophes. Suggested edits:

• They lost ex-captain Dom Cassissi, who retired mid-season, and delisted fringe players.
• Power’s run. This area of the game, once their strength and go-to option
• to massive second-half scores
• 
  
• Are opposition teams on to them?
• who was thought by many to be the architect of Port's game plan,

The last sentence could be reworked. It's a bit disjointed. I see what you're trying to do, but it doesn't work as well as the rest.

2nd:

• nearly 10,000
• 
  
• may have contributed to the Pies' inaccuracy,
• For the Blues it was a typically strong game from Chris Judd. He dominated clearances with strength and experience, validating Mick Malthouse's (or simply Malthouse') comments from earlier in the week that the veteran could play on for “a few years”, hold water (etc)
• in the term,
• Adam Oxley,
• the toughness for which the Pies recruited him.
• Carlton's on-ball brigade, led by Judd, feasted on the young Pies,
• Blues' coach
• Carlton's clean
• Overall, Carlton
• was there to win,

I'm not sure that "settle" in the final sentence conveys your meaning effectively enough. You want a final flourish, but it must be clear.

Overall, p) you it's clear, pacey and engaging - just what sports writing should be. Excellent job. And yes, BBB has a point - a dash of spice will draw the reader in even more.


Excuse the too-dotty suggestions above. I couldn't seem to rein them in.

 

[Lefthanded]

I agree with Snag Breac's response to BBB and that punctuation can improve (but I didn't find it a major detraction.)

Both were good to read so well done there.

Article on Port struck me as not in depth enough. I understand you were already at your word limit so don't have an obvious answer but for instance could have looked at whether injuries this year is affecting them. Your point about Walsh was very good I thought.

Match report - try to get your facts right - Oxley was promoted to senior list end of 2013 so shouldn't have been referred to as 'rookie listed'. Match score was also an omission.

Having attachments in pdf would also be better I think.

Good luck!

 

[Magpie Girl]

Hi all I'm currently studying a diploma in Sports Journalism in my spare time away from my real job, real life and the footy. What I would love to do is post some articles that I've written and hear some thoughts from you lot.

I've braced myself for criticism and I'm hoping for some praise but what I would really love is some insightful, constructive feedback.

I know I'm probably posting this in the wrong area of the forum (move it if necessary! Vicky Park Gone Critical Magpie Girl NT.Thunder ) but I wasn't sure where to post it. I am thinking of starting my own blog so I can put whatever I want up there but it's a bit scarey taking that step as I am opening myself up to interwebs and all that comes with it.

Anyway, for those interested I'll attach the documents so you can read them if you want. If you think it may be better to just post each article separately then I can do that as well.

Thanks for your assistance,
PTPie

Big Footy is always looking for sports articles.
You could start therePT