Boob_Radley
Team Captain
- Mar 27, 2015
- 443
- 4,806
- AFL Club
- Richmond
Summary
For the third time in three weeks, this preview begins by pointing out that we are atop of the ladder. The joy of that position may be slightly tempered by the fact this is our third Sunday game in a row (with another to follow), but it seems appropriate that this game falls on Mother's Day, because it is a beautiful thing to beat these mother*ers.
Now, at some point, whether devoutly spiritual or utterly secular, you must acknowledge that, at least with current epistemological limitations, we are incapable of looking into the night sky (that void with looks back, that sublime and horrifying darkness) and avoiding the realisation that at some point: something had to come from nothing. Now, was it God? A god? Was it simply a cosmic burp from a previous iteration of the universe, which could be one of many? Are we in a computer program? It is reasonable to suggest that, in the face of these questions, humans are woefully lacking in answers, and we are in particular absolutely devoid of certainties. Until now: there is one thing that is certain in this universe, even if we are a complex version of the Sims, and that is that North Melbourne are a stunningly hateable bunch of campaigners.
The form line is much more in Richmond's favour, as are the percentage, points for, and i50s statistics. Unsurprisingly, given Goldstein's return to his 2016 form, North's average hit outs are significantly higher than ours; with the return of Premiership Ruckman Shaun Grigg unlikely, this aberration is unlikely to be ameliorated. Stunningly, North have received more free kicks than the kings of the frees, the darlings of the AFL and entire umpiring fraternity: #freekickrichmond.
If I can be serious for a minute before I hit the nangs hard as my mitzys that I kept from the early naughties kick in; this game will likely be genuinely close. It's at Etihad, where North play well and we often don't. Their on-ball brigade has been good this year. Clearances, contested possessions, and tackles are all even, so the bookends of either sides will have larger than usual impacts if both teams play as they have throughout 2018. If that's the case, dominance won't impact the scoreboard as quickly given the ball still needs to be cleared. Their backline has been very good, second only to ours (by one point conceded), and while their forward line has been much less effective, Ben Brown is a genuinely fantastic player who will need to be accounted for.
Likely Changes for Richmond
Cotchin to come in for Prestia, who won't be risked on the concrete surfaces of Etihad. Grigg won't be ready, while Brandon Ellis would be lucky to get a recall given he went only okay at VFL level last week. Higgins would be the most likely to get a rest if unforced changes occur, with Bolton or Stengle both in decent form; Stengle has been more impactful of late.
Likely Changes for North
Jarrad Waite, who at times played out of his literal a-hole against the Tiges, will come back in after a week off, replacing the wonderfully named Cam Zurhaar.
Last Five Meetings
R11, 2017, Richmond 14.17 (101) d North Melbourne 9.12 (66) at Etihad Stadium
R11, 2016, North Melbourne 18.16 (124) d Richmond 7.12 (54) at Blundstone Arena
1EF, 2015, North Melbourne 15.15 (105) d Richmond 14.4 (88) at the MCG
R23, 2015, Richmond 16.12 (108) d North Melbourne 10.7 (67) at Etihad Stadium
R6, 2015, North Melbourne 16.13 (109) d Richmond 10.14 (74) at Blundstone Arena
Key Match Ups
Jack Riewoldt v Robbie Tarrant
Tarrant is in great form, while Jack has been improving the past two weeks after starting the year struggling to impact games as he has in previous years. Thompson may actually take the main defensive role on Jack, freeing up Tarrant to play a Rancian role. If Jack kicks a few and halves contests all day, that will go a long way to winning the game.
David Astbury v Ben Brown
Astbury usually gets the monsters, and I don't see why this will vary here. Astbury has been so good it makes my dick hard, and I often just watch him for entire matches; he is capable of running like a bull but also loping like a gazelle. I whisper into my clasped hands secrets for him and I can tell he hears them on the field even though I'm in the second tier and it's just whispers. Brown has also been in good form, and he is the in-form forward of the competition.
Trent Cotchin v Ben Jacobs
The tagger is back! as the media is obsessed with saying lately. But the tagger is only back if they're good at it, and Jacobs is able to shut down the best midfielders of the competition. He's done a number on Jarryd Lyons, Seb Ross, Oliver, Cripps, Mitchell and Gray. Whether Jacob's goes for Chimp or Dusty, he will almost certainly limit the impact of that player.
Conclusion
Snake Baker and the rest of the painfully, aggressively optimistic fans on the North board have often drawn the ire of our supporters with some of the more ridiculous claims they've made (such as Cunningham being better than Dusty), but I had to consider my own role to play in continuing and creating a particularly negative relationship between our boards. In the interests of reconciliation, I would like to offer up my most hateful submissions regarding the North Melbourne Football Club and their illustrious Shinboner spirit, as a kind of exorcism of my venal, if not cardinal, sins:
And perhaps more damning of all my posts is the following recollection:
"Back in 2001, round 6, I went to a pub to watch the Tiges play the Roos. I went in and immediately I noticed a very, very drunk bloke flopped over a girl's shoulders like a scarf, partly to hit on her, partly for balance. He was covered in blue and white. Even at 18 I had the sense to think, 'give him a wide berth'. As I was ordering a 8 dollar jug of Carlton, I overheard him slur to the girl, 'Have you ever received the shinboner spirit?'
She jerked her head away from him in disgust. He burped what, given we were at the Evelyn, must have been Souvlaki King-fuelled gut exhaust, straight into the girls face. I could see the garlic fumes. She gagged, but she was trapped. I heard him mumble a punchline, something about jumping up and down...
The game began. Great game looking back, very even right up until 3/4 time, almost goal for goal. Bowden, Chaffey, and Knights starred for us, while Richo kicked 4.
The entire game, this kangaroos supporter was swearing a blue streak at all Richmond supporters. A few people told him where to go but no one got too stuck into him because he was looking for a fight and we were there to watch the game. The girl managed to break away from him at half time.
During the 3/4 time break, he had the audacity to shush the bar, and proclaimed, 'If Richmond win from here, I will cut my dick off. Dead set.' We went on to kick 7.4 to 0.0. Final winning margin was 55 points.
After ejecting all North supporters except this skin-covered turd, we all put out on our sacrificial black velvet robes. We turned the lights off and candles were summoned by the bar staff. Various hymns were being sung in a deep, Gregorian chant. The man, hysterical already, was quickly strapped to the pool table before we removed his pants, and then underpants. His penis had almost retracted inside his body due to an anxiety that was tangible, palpable; body shaking, skin white, hairs erect, and I was fleetingly reminded of the pigs I tended to as a child. Nonetheless, someone did pinch the knob between their thumb and index fingers, and pulled the tiny member to a full stretch, making it look comically thin.
I skolled my pint before smashing it on the edge of the pool table. This site, usually a source of fun, sometimes of a bar fight, seemed to come into its own in the semi-darkness; the green baize illumined the room with an eerie green glow. A large shard of glass remained in my hand, which I then realised had suffered a deep cut in the palm. The blood made it difficult to gain grip on the sacrificial penis, a penis this man had offered up himself, but I did eventually succeed in grasping it before cleanly slicing it off. A stump remained that intermittently squirted blackened blood, like a perverse, interminable orgasm.
I placed the quivering, misshaped oddity in the man's hand and he clutched it desperately to his chest, hugging it like a child hugs a doll. I asked him politely to look at me but he would not, or could not; he may not have even have heard me over his own pathetic sobbing. I gave him an almighty, God-like slap across the face and he, startled, momentarily gained enough sense to look at me. I said, 'listen, shhhh, sh sh sh, just listen'. He looked at me intently, desperate for an answer, a reason, a justification. I slowly leaned into his ear, and whispered, 'lolnorf.'"
Now that I have cleared the air between our boards, I think it's only fair to acknowledge the fantastic start North have had to the 2018 season, far exceeding almost everyone's expectations of them. It is unsurprising therefore that I was confronted with graphic imagery when I recently visited Arden Street on business matter to Meet with Brad Scott. As I entered the office I saw... well I actually can't bring myself to describe it but I think it would be remiss of me not to share with you all the footage I smuggled out:
Prediction
Most importantly it will be a strong moral victory to North, obviously, given their injury list includes Declan Mountford, Gordon Narrier, Ed Vickers-Willis, Declan Watson, whereas we have literally never had an injured player. North is also the youngest team ever fielded, whereas Richmond are on PEDs and were gifted the flag by Gil even though that wasn't necessary given the comp is all s**t nowdays anyway.
On the scoreboard it will be Richmond by 28 points.
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