Best Jokes during Corona Lockdown

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Philthy1

All Australian
Sep 17, 2017
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A spokesperson for the Victorian government said the decision to make the purchase came after a $32 million review by consulting firm KPMG. “What this review revealed was that our contact tracing needed to improve. A second $48 million review confirmed that,” the spokesperson said.

“We haven’t scrimped on investing funds to get this right – these new faxes don’t even have the paper that curls up. It means we now have one of the most advanced contact tracing operations of the late 1990s”.

The new fax will allow twice as many cases to be processed, provided no-one is using the landline phone at the same time.

“It’s now a very streamlined operation,” the spokesperson said. “We receive a fax alerting us of a positive case, we unplug the fax, plug in the landline, call the patient’s GP to let them know, plug the fax back in, wait for a confirmation fax back from the GP, unplug the fax, plug back in the landline and then call the patient in question. It’s that simple. And then we repeat the process for the patient’s contacts. Imagine doing all of that with just one fax”.
 

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Glaeken Oracle

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Dec 3, 2015
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View attachment 963632

A spokesperson for the Victorian government said the decision to make the purchase came after a $32 million review by consulting firm KPMG. “What this review revealed was that our contact tracing needed to improve. A second $48 million review confirmed that,” the spokesperson said.

“We haven’t scrimped on investing funds to get this right – these new faxes don’t even have the paper that curls up. It means we now have one of the most advanced contact tracing operations of the late 1990s”.

The new fax will allow twice as many cases to be processed, provided no-one is using the landline phone at the same time.

“It’s now a very streamlined operation,” the spokesperson said. “We receive a fax alerting us of a positive case, we unplug the fax, plug in the landline, call the patient’s GP to let them know, plug the fax back in, wait for a confirmation fax back from the GP, unplug the fax, plug back in the landline and then call the patient in question. It’s that simple. And then we repeat the process for the patient’s contacts. Imagine doing all of that with just one fax”.
Why are you posting actual press releases in the jokes thread!!?? :laughing:
 

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Triple Baileys

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Jan 7, 2019
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Dan Andrews is showing potential foreign investors and officials from China over the concrete foundations of a new dog box high-rise apartment development in the middle of the CBD.

As they tour the site, one of the foreign officials tells Dan, "it is good to see you again, Chairman Comrade. You run a very good satrap here, I can see, so maybe we will invest more of the trade debt you owe us by building more of these fine apartments in your city. But I have heard that lately you have had some problem with one of your people, Commissar Mikakos. You know we cannot invest unless we are certain there is no instability in your Central Committee. Have you taken care of this problem with Mikakos?"

"Sure," replies Dan, looking around.

"So, specifically what measures have you taken," presses his Chinese Government interlocutor.

Dan stops and looks down at his feet. "Let me reassure you, I have taken traditional Labor measures to ensure she never bothers me again..."

"Ah", says the official, "I understand. You mean to say we are walking on her right now."
 
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Optimistic Dog

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Oct 11, 2014
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I hear we are getting two potential numbers under the NGA a guy named Ugle and another one called Hagen both with the first name Jamarra. :)
 

NBates

Norm Smith Medallist
Jun 4, 2007
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mike pence fly


TWITTER
So there we were, watching the vice presidential debate, wincing at the interruptions and laughing at the memes—and then, out of nowhere, came The Fly. The Fly settled into Mike Pence's coiffed, icy hair and just...hung out for a while. Pence talked. And Pence talked. And Pence talked some more. And the fly just...chilled. It just hung out. For what felt like ages! And as I type this, I still don't think Mike Pence knows!
But you know who does know? Twitter. Twitter noticed. Twitter was distracted. And Twitter had some things to say:

forbes 30 under 30: the fly who, at only 23 days old, confirmed Mike pence is a corpse

I miss the bug. It was the best thing about him.

That fly took one look at Mike Pence and said “yep, looks like a piece of sh*t to me.”

That fly is an American hero.

I haven’t loved a fly this much since David Cronenberg turned Jeff Goldblum into one.

the thing about the fly is that it knew when it’s two minutes were up

Wow, so Pence is just allowed to repeat whatever answers the fly told him?

can someone get the fly a covid test

wish Kamala had ended her answer with “...and by the way there’s a fly on your head.”

Gonna be up till 4:00 am reading fly memes.


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