Vintage Bay Mofra's Bottom 50 of 2017 - the "finals were better last year" Edition

[TedDougChris]

It is kinda impressive how he never gained muscle.

The anti HGH

Now there is a challenge for Hird, Charters and Dank.... Get to it boys.....

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[El Dubya]

Now there is a challenge for Hird, Charters and Dank.... Get to it boys.....

On SM-T355Y using BigFooty.com mobile app

Dank couldn't bulk up Andrew Mackie, he's not going to find more success with microphone head.

 

[Dannnnnnnnnn]

I've often thought that Grant's blood holds the antidote for obesity.

 

[Dinsdale]

I've often thought that Grant's blood holds the antidote for obesity.

Darren Jarman should give him a job...

 

[carnthedons]

Darren Jarman should give him a headjob...

Fixed it for ya

NTTAWWT

 

[Mofra]

Player 30 - Mitch Honeychurch


Pictured: Mitch Honeychurch performs a citizens arrest on a shady looking character

Mitch Honeychurch is one of a new breed of "pressure forwards" which means one thing really - he can't freaking kick.

Standing an imposing 176kgs and weighing 71kgs, Mitch is a hard trainer, good teammate (which at Whitten Oval in 2017 means "designated driver") but put him in front of goals and he's about as accurate as a BigFooty trade rumour.
After plying his trade at VFL level for months, he finally earned a senior recall in round 13 when the Bulldogs' premiership defence became a little less 'Premiership hangover' and a little more 'Boris Yeltsin locked in a vodka factory'.

His first game resulted in a score of 0.3.
His second game resulted in a score of... 0.3.
Then after two additional scoreless games, the moment. After kicking two behinds against Carlton that he should have nailed he had a chance 25m out, directly in front of goal. Kicking with all the confidence of an obese World of Warcraft loving Star Trek fan in a social setting Mitch strolls in and delivers - a goal that wobbles through with less-conviction than Bombers_2003's dubious sexual history.

One more game after than and he was forced to miss a few weeks after being bitten by a bloody spider (true story). It neither gave him superpowers nor made him any closer to teammate Lukas Webb. Surprisingly, a midget who kicked 8 behinds prior to his sole goal for the year playing predominantly forward didn't earn a senior recall, probably owing to the fact that a Victorian Brisbane Lions draftee finishes contracts more often than Mitch finishes in front of goal. Now he did manage 10 tackles in one game (against West Coast, with 10 disposals an 2 clangers) so there is some level of effort there but as they say in the pr0n industry "if you can't finish you won't get scenes". Hence being discharged from the Bulldogs list and told to scoop out his locker, thanks for coming.

Despite a lack of footspeed and kicking ability GWS are reportedly right into signing Mitch as a DFA next year as someone who can tackle, trains hard and applies defensive pressure will contrast nicely with their list of high-draft pick front-running party boys, half of whom will 'develop home sickness' anyway. I am sure that their policy of recruiting ex-Bulldogs will set them up well in their future endeavours in finally winning a prelim.

Anyway Mitch thanks for your service, congratulations on being a two-time VFL premiership player. Welcome to the Bottom 50 for 2017.

 

[DapperJong]

Player 30 - Mitch Honeychurch


Pictured: Mitch Honeychurch performs a citizens arrest on a shady looking character

Mitch Honeychurch is one of a new breed of "pressure forwards" which means one thing really - he can't freaking kick.

Standing an imposing 176kgs and weighing 71kgs, Mitch is a hard trainer, good teammate (which at Whitten Oval in 2017 means "designated driver") but put him in front of goals and he's about as accurate as a BigFooty trade rumour.
After plying his trade at VFL level for months, he finally earned a senior recall in round 13 when the Bulldogs' premiership defence became a little less 'Premiership hangover' and a little more 'Boris Yeltsin locked in a vodka factory'.

His first game resulted in a score of 0.3.
His second game resulted in a score of... 0.3.
Then after two additional scoreless games, the moment. After kicking two behinds against Carlton that he should have nailed he had a chance 25m out, directly in front of goal. Kicking with all the confidence of an obese World of Warcraft loving Star Trek fan in a social setting Mitch strolls in and delivers - a goal that wobbles through with less-conviction than Bombers_2003's dubious sexual history.

One more game after than and he was forced to miss a few weeks after being bitten by a bloody spider (true story). It neither gave him superpowers nor made him any closer to teammate Lukas Webb. Surprisingly, a midget who kicked 8 behinds prior to his sole goal for the year playing predominantly forward didn't earn a senior recall, probably owing to the fact that a Victorian Brisbane Lions draftee finishes contracts more often than Mitch finishes in front of goal. Now he did manage 10 tackles in one game (against West Coast, with 10 disposals an 2 clangers) so there is some level of effort there but as they say in the pr0n industry "if you can't finish you won't get scenes". Hence being discharged from the Bulldogs list and told to scoop out his locker, thanks for coming.

Despite a lack of footspeed and kicking ability GWS are reportedly right into signing Mitch as a DFA next year as someone who can tackle, trains hard and applies defensive pressure will contrast nicely with their list of high-draft pick front-running party boys, half of whom will 'develop home sickness' anyway. I am sure that their policy of recruiting ex-Bulldogs will set them up well in their future endeavours in finally winning a prelim.

Anyway Mitch thanks for your service, congratulations on being a two-time VFL premiership player. Welcome to the Bottom 50 for 2017.

I'm expecting demands for a first round pick at the trade table after this glowing report.

 

[leobarryustar]

I hope Mofra doesn't think that by including all the Doggies that nobody gives a **** about, we will forget about Boyd and Cloke.

 

[Starburns_]

I hope Mofra doesn't think that by including all the Doggies that nobody gives a **** about, we will forget about Boyd and Cloke.

I imagine the inclusion of the anonymous Doggies spuds would be better described as 'catharsis'.

 

[leobarryustar]

I imagine the inclusion of the anonymous Doggies spuds would be better described as 'catharsis'.

The rest of us yell at the television - Mofra takes notes...

 

[Two Eyes]

I hope Mofra doesn't think that by including all the Doggies that nobody gives a **** about, we will forget about Boyd and Cloke.

Why would Mofra be hoping we've forgotten about Cloke? I have no doubt he'll feature.

Not listing Boyd is what will cause the mouthes to foam.

 

[Stan_Darsh72]

Honeychurch went from being a top 5 place in teach's top 50 to this.

Not a good year by him.

 

[captain blood 17]

Player 31 - Jarrad Grant


Pictured: An elite athlete. Apparently.

Jarrad Grant is a former pick 5 who played for the Bulldogs, was delisted then went to play for the Gold Coast Abletts.
Grant was a trendsetter in the AFL in some ways, being a 192cm player (KPF height at the time of his drafting) who played like a small forward. A disinterested, non tackling small forward. In some ways, a weird version of Dan Menzel.

Despite his weird looks, Grant's best is absolutely elite - problem being he played about 6 minutes of this elite level football per month regardless of what level he plays.
Super quick with super sticky hands he is basically a14 year old boy with unlimited internet and a lock on the bedroom door in football terms.

This year was probably not a great one when it's all said and done. Playing NEAFL he didn't exactly set the world on fire, managing a few poor games and another where he did have a few shots but finished on 0.3 which is both a poor day as a forward or a reasonable night out.

He did finally manage one AFL game - against the powerhouse that is Freo - where he gathered one behind and four tackles so I guess he's a top. Despite being dropped he caught fire in the NEAFL, kicking 15 goals in the last two games in what is the 487th best football league in the country.

Grant will always be remembered for a few things, unfortunately his on field highlights are none of them. Painfully skinny, nobody will forget his physique from his Bulldog days (after a few pre-seasons):



Or that this was once an actual FF/CHF combination at AFL level:


Or his TV career:


Or that he had an interrupted first pre-season where he was stung by a stingray, hence the imaginative nickname "Stinger" which shows how creative an imaginative footballers are (Exhibit B: Russell Robertson's music career).

Mostly however, he'll be remembered due to Scott Clayton (former Bulldog recruiter, now up on the Gold Coast destroying their list) totally welching on a promise he made after selecting Jarrad at pick 5 in the 2007 draft:


I believe Clayton still hasn't started swimming, but my advice would be to start training as unlike Stinger Grant he needs to trim down.

Jarrad, you weird looking funny dude with the on-field concentration levels of an ADHD toddler in a puppy and fireworks shop after 4 espressos, good luck in the next stage of your life as the 'ex-footballer least likely to get fat in retirement'. Welcome to the 2017 Bottom 50.

Be honest, who else was surprised this guy was still on an AFL list? I was SHOCKED to be sitting here reading that.

Sent from my SM-J320ZN using Tapatalk

 

[David Schwarz]

I imagine the inclusion of the anonymous Doggies spuds would be better described as 'catharsis'.

I know who is going to be number one this year

 

[Haduken]

I hope Mofra doesn't think that by including all the Doggies that nobody gives a **** about, we will forget about Boyd and Cloke.

I'm waiting for him to drop Stringer in the top 10..

 

[Starburns_]

I know who is going to be number one this year

View attachment 431741

Surely not, it has to be Tyrone's year. He left and we won a flag and Hawf finished 13th, plus the whole death threat thing. Only Tippett could beat him.

 

[Wosh]

Stringer destroys the Dogs, Vickery saves the Tigers
Maybe the first ever top 50 draw?

 

[hawkman]

Surely not, it has to be Tyrone's year. He left and we won a flag and Hawf finished 13th, plus the whole death threat thing. Only Tippett could beat him.

Vickery will win but Mayne has a good claim to it as well

 

[Starburns_]

Vickery will win but Mayne has a good claim to it as well

Vickery, Tippett, Stringer, and Mayne for the top 5 along with one lower-profile spud that no one thought of but on reflection thoroughly deserves it.

 

[Senor Ed]

Player 30 - Mitch Honeychurch


Pictured: Mitch Honeychurch performs a citizens arrest on a shady looking character

Mitch Honeychurch is one of a new breed of "pressure forwards" which means one thing really - he can't freaking kick.

Standing an imposing 176kgs and weighing 71kgs, Mitch is a hard trainer, good teammate (which at Whitten Oval in 2017 means "designated driver") but put him in front of goals and he's about as accurate as a BigFooty trade rumour.
After plying his trade at VFL level for months, he finally earned a senior recall in round 13 when the Bulldogs' premiership defence became a little less 'Premiership hangover' and a little more 'Boris Yeltsin locked in a vodka factory'.

His first game resulted in a score of 0.3.
His second game resulted in a score of... 0.3.
Then after two additional scoreless games, the moment. After kicking two behinds against Carlton that he should have nailed he had a chance 25m out, directly in front of goal. Kicking with all the confidence of an obese World of Warcraft loving Star Trek fan in a social setting Mitch strolls in and delivers - a goal that wobbles through with less-conviction than Bombers_2003's dubious sexual history.

One more game after than and he was forced to miss a few weeks after being bitten by a bloody spider (true story). It neither gave him superpowers nor made him any closer to teammate Lukas Webb. Surprisingly, a midget who kicked 8 behinds prior to his sole goal for the year playing predominantly forward didn't earn a senior recall, probably owing to the fact that a Victorian Brisbane Lions draftee finishes contracts more often than Mitch finishes in front of goal. Now he did manage 10 tackles in one game (against West Coast, with 10 disposals an 2 clangers) so there is some level of effort there but as they say in the pr0n industry "if you can't finish you won't get scenes". Hence being discharged from the Bulldogs list and told to scoop out his locker, thanks for coming.

Despite a lack of footspeed and kicking ability GWS are reportedly right into signing Mitch as a DFA next year as someone who can tackle, trains hard and applies defensive pressure will contrast nicely with their list of high-draft pick front-running party boys, half of whom will 'develop home sickness' anyway. I am sure that their policy of recruiting ex-Bulldogs will set them up well in their future endeavours in finally winning a prelim.

Anyway Mitch thanks for your service, congratulations on being a two-time VFL premiership player. Welcome to the Bottom 50 for 2017.

We literally JUST recontracted him... FFS

 

[hawkman]

We literally JUST recontracted him... FFS

I thought Mofra was just including him on the expectation that he was going to be delisted and going to GWS

 

[Mofra]

We literally JUST recontracted him... FFS

Surprising, I really worry about our forwardline now. Likeable guy, simply can't kick.

 

[Two Eyes]

Vickery, Tippett, Stringer, and Mayne for the top 5 along with one lower-profile spud that no one thought of but on reflection thoroughly deserves it.

That's quite the trifecta. The only knock on Mayne is that he's so ****ing boring compared to the other two.

Tippet and Stringer are massive flogs but Mayne's just an ordinary bloke who got massively overpaid due to a clerical error. (Or more accurately because the Pies list manager wears his shoes on his hands.)

 

[Senor Ed]

Surprising, I really worry about our forwardline now. Likeable guy, simply can't kick.

I don't even think he's that likeable. Every time he gets the ball i want to punch the seat in front as its inevitably a turnover.

 

[hawkman]

That's quite the trifecta. The only knock on Mayne is that he's so ******* boring compared to the other two.

Tippet and Stringer are massive flogs but Mayne's just an ordinary bloke who got massively overpaid due to a clerical error. (Or more accurately because the Pies list manager wears his shoes on his hands.)

The story has got funnier as the year ends though. First with his dad taking aim at Buckley and then the fact that Collingwood were offering Freo a 2nd round pick just to get rid of him