Media The Thread With Salary Caps In It (all clubs have been revealed, still more to come, ALL to be revealed later...)

[Marlowe]

(This post is sponsored by 20th Century Studios. Avatar 2, coming to theatres in 2031)



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Salaries. Webster’s dictionary defines a salary with this stock photo:


(Pictured: amorphous blob #1 agrees to pay NaturalDisaster amorphous blob #2 a fixed, periodic payment in exchange for their labour as per their employment contract)



Hi guys. This thread is going to feature the very accurate and detailed salary caps of all 12 Sweet FA clubs. Want to find out how much money Poster X is making? Find out here, as all will be revealed.


Notes:

• the salary cap is $8,000,000
• the rookie salary is 1% of the cap ($80,000)
• maximum salary allowed per player is 15% of the cap ($1.2m)
• this is based off of the squad submissions from the beginning of Season 30
• some clubs may be over the cap
• a salary cap is not a legitimate piece of headwear
• there is no actual Poster X
• the salaries in this thread were pared down using a Supercomputer that was lent to me from MIT:

(her name is Betsy and she’s powered by touch. She loves the rigid, machine-like sounds of Nine Inch Nails and she’s fascinated with the work of the late Alain Delon)

• this thread has been done before more times than I thought, and I almost don’t want to do it
• when people did this thread before they did tiers. I will not be doing that. Figure out the tiers on your own
• joke posts from the Furies or Bombers about how they pay players with trips to Kittens or in paper bags under the table or any other stupid predictable yobbo s**t will not be tolerated by me. I will report you, Ned
• life is not fair
• there will be no analysis
• no pie charts
• no graphs
• no graphics
• no foul language
• hi, Headless
• there will be some tables thrown together using the colours in Excel to the best of my estimation as to how they relate to the actual club colours
• this post is dedicated to the brave Mujahideen fighters of Afghanistan, as all my threads are
• this thread will be in random order, starting with these two clubs:

Agree or disagree? Please let me know in the comments below, and don't forget to like and subscribe for more lame, outdated content.








God I hope the spelling is right.

 

[Marlowe]

 

[Marlowe]

Your sad react also helped inspire me to turnaround my thread-starting rigidity and turn this loose lump of a thread idea into something real and concrete.

 

[Marlowe]

Some of those don’t look right. JOURNOS struggle to guess salary figures, don’t they?

For instance, I’m a sophomore with fewer than 30 matches played so far in my SFA career. I can’t be nowhere near those figures.

—

Don’t we need to keep him in the books until the end of the season for cap purposes?

You make a lot good of good points. Maybe you do suck. I've rejiggered the computer with the science broom a few times, and what do you know, the true Swamprats Season 30 salary cap fell out. How about that.




A lot of this thread is a work in progress for next season's one. Lot of kinks still in the system. Lot of rejiggering with the broom is still required.

 

[Marlowe]

Two more clubs. Feel like I should be using threadmarks or something, maybe tag old Ned to show him the real Furies salary cap, but eh, who cares.

 

[Marlowe]

Def the most accurate one, imo. When Betsy, my rigid robot companion punched out these numbers, she said that - the most accurate results yet.

 

[Marlowe]

I've been told I don't post these with enough fanfare. I am not sure people come here for fanfare though. I say, they come here for accurate salary caps and maybe to laugh at my potential typos as I am not the most rigid typist (I'm pretty sure I left a Bombers rookie on someone's books by mistake).

 

[Marlowe]

I don't believe I provided enough fanfare with these entries. It's not just that the tables themselves are dull and uninspired and could have been better, or that the general structure of the concept lacked the rigidity I would have desired, it's also that I could have written a little something here or there. Added a little bit of colour to the proceedings. I could have Googled 'sparkling+wit' and tried a darn to add some. In the past, I probably would have tried. That's what separates ye olde Marlowe of yore versus ye just-slightly-older Marlowe of now - trying. Trying looks bad. It feels bad. Friends, family, coworkers, teachers, counselors, lawyers, lifeguard instructors - they all like to say to me, "Marlowe, at least you tried", and it hurts because deep down I know I didn't really try, I never really try, and that's probably how I wound up In the Air Tonight'ing that boy at the swimming pool that one time. You try hard and you die hard, people say that, too. But, as it turns out, the reverse is also true (you can try... softly, I guess, and die slowly).

But today - the last day of these - I am gonna try. Well, maybe only a little bit.

First up is the Demons. And I decided it would be fun for a change to get some actual insight from one of the club's insiders about how they feel regarding this venture of mine (and - I suppose if I am trying to keep the charade up - the hackneyed robot co-author I mentioned in the OP that I've brought up sparingly and to little success since).

So I called up Headless' good friend manangatang and asked how he would feel about contributing to this. He said, "Marlowe, when do you need me?" I, Marlowe, said, "Wednesday." He - him being manangatang in this case, of course - said, "I'm busy Wednesday." I - Marlowe, mind you - said, "What about Thursday?" He [manangatang] said, "Thursday's worse than Wednesday." Then he - manangatang again - said, "How about Friday?" I said, "Fine."

True story!

Anyway, I don't think he's awake yet, so * it. Here's the Season 30 Mt. - not 'Mount', as I thought it might have been - Buller Demons' salary cap.




*originally I had Headless on $40,000 with the rest being subsidised with love, but this isn't a joke thread, I'll leave the humour to my good, moustachioed buddy, Ned (that's Ned_Flanders, the guy from the Furies with the Ned Flanders avatar, maybe you might know him or have seen him around once or twice).

*this Headless impression was brought to you by a lack of sleep - in stores now (stores may only be figurative in nature, fatigue may not be a purchasable physical commodity).

 

[Marlowe]

Gold City, located in the Golden Valley suburb, is the single most expensive city to live in in the great Municipality of Sweet. As such, when we entered the league, boncer34 granted us a COLA allowance of an extraordinary 50%. For a long time the $12m cap we operated under was mostly used by our captains to line their own pockets instead of being used to lure free agents (and I believe it's the reason we're the only club to have signed fumbler to multiple million dollar contracts, a shameful blot on our history). In recent seasons, the spread of wealth has evened out as talent at Gold City finally blossomed into something substantial and under new leadership we finally decided to pay friends people.

Anyway, here are the Royals salaries.

Bears to come.

 

[Marlowe]

This thread wasn't complete until it was sullied with mental images of spookism giving handjobs.

Speaking of handjobs.

Here are the Bears.

 

[Marlowe]

My wage is only $66,666 actually.
I made up the difference by offering $5 handjobs behind the sheds

So just doing the math real quick.

That's $600,000 worth of handjobs a season.

At five dollars a pop, that's 120,000 handjobs.

A typical Sweet FA season from round 1 to the Grand Final is 20 weeks long.

That's 6,000 handjobs per week, a little over 857 per day. If we grant you and your wrist a day off, say Sundays for game day, where you're expected to earn your other $66,666 a season, that's 1,000 handjobs per day, Monday through Saturday. Factor in 8 hours for sleep and two hours (one hour each way) for commute, that's 71.42 handjobs per hour, or 1.19 per minute.

You have some mighty fast hands there, spook. I've possibly never been more impressed in my life.

#justspookthings