Am I the jerk here?

[perthblue]

I thought Bigfooty could use its own version of /r/amitheasshole but without the swarm of reddit losers who never actually interact with people.

--------

I'll get the ball rolling.

So this dude was one of my good friends years ago, met him at my old workplace (a supermarket) anyway we used to hang out heaps etc etc. but then 4 or 5 years ago we just drifted apart.

Since then we've caught up now and again and it's been fun but I'd hardly call him one of my current good friends.

So anyway, organising a catch up with this bloke lately has been like pulling teeth. Constant stream of rainchecks and last minute pullouts caused me to just go '* it' and mentally check out of this friendship. A few weeks ago we were due to catch up at the pub Fri night, he messages 4pm with some cockamamie excuse and then tries to reschedule to which I go 'haha lets just leave it' which seemed to upset him.

I know it was harsh but I cbf with this merry go round of pretend friendship anymore.

Bigfooty, AITJH?

 

[Shell]

You are not a jerk.

I have had friends like this.

Am nearing 40. Im like fk off, piss off, not worth thinking about them anymore.

 

[Exe Gesis]

yes

 

[Shell]

You could never be a jerk actually pb x

 

[Perth gal]

When you really want to do something you find a way.

When you really don’t , you make an excuse.

Never chase after anybody.

No not an arse.

 

[Sauras]

Have you thought about asking total strangers on a public forum for their opinion?

 

[Exe Gesis]

in this case he is.

1. the friendship started to drift apart 4 or 5 years ago....obviously perthblue also played a part in that, not a saint there
2. even when things were fun etc, and despite the history, perthblue still never thought of him as a friend....the other guy obviously felt that from him
3. even tho the other guy kept rain-checking with presumably false reasons, perhblue wouldn't know for sure if that's the case or not but still put that feeling across at him....and the other guy obviously felt that from him.
4. He probably never said anything mean when rainchecking, yet perthblue lacked diplomacy in such a situation and had a mean thing to say at him for rainchecking, basically amounting to "yeah sure thing buddy, just * off then"...which the other guy obviously felt from him.

no wonder things started drifting apart 4 or 5 years ago and the other guy kept rainchecking on him because from the other guy's perspective perthblue had been a jerk to him or giving off a sense of not being friends.

 

[perthblue]

You could never be a jerk actually pb x

Cute and thanks

in this case he is.

1. the friendship started to drift apart 4 or 5 years ago....obviously perthblue also played a part in that, not a saint there
2. even when things were fun etc, and despite the history, perthblue still never thought of him as a friend....the other guy obviously felt that from him
3. even tho the other guy kept rain-checking with presumably false reasons, perhblue wouldn't know for sure if that's the case or not but still put that feeling across at him....and the other guy obviously felt that from him.
4. He probably never said anything mean when rainchecking, yet perthblue lacked diplomacy in such a situation and had a mean thing to say at him for rainchecking, basically amounting to "yeah sure thing buddy, just fu** off then"...which the other guy obviously felt from him.

no wonder things started drifting apart 4 or 5 years ago and the other guy kept rainchecking on him because from the other guy's perspective perthblue had been a jerk to him or giving off a sense of not being friends.

I appreciate this perspective. I am certainly not the most socially graceful person so I know I played my part in this.

I will say, in my defense, that even though he didn't say anything mean when rainchecking, I believe constant rainchecking is mean in and of itself. This is a single dude who works 9-5 in town and has no other commitments, so I'm sure he's just canned me a few times when something better came around.

The 'friendship' became so exhausting that I preferred to just forego social niceties for my own sanity.

Thanks again for your thoughts.

 

[Billy ray]

If it becomes hard work well... thats my view anyway

 

[perthblue]

Have you thought about asking total strangers on a public forum for their opinion?

Isnt that what the web is for?

 

[Plugger35]

 

[Shell]

I am filthy i didnt think to post this

 

[Billy ray]

 

[Shell]

Cute and thanks

Being honest, and ur welcome.

/truly does suck tho. Just makes you feel like s**t when someone cant even take an hour or two out of their day you know...

 

[Exe Gesis]

Cute and thanks



I appreciate this perspective. I am certainly not the most socially graceful person so I know I played my part in this.

I will say, in my defense, that even though he didn't say anything mean when rainchecking, I believe constant rainchecking is mean in and of itself. This is a single dude who works 9-5 in town and has no other commitments, so I'm sure he's just canned me a few times when something better came around.

The 'friendship' became so exhausting that I preferred to just forego social niceties for my own sanity.

Thanks again for your thoughts.

sometimes the rainchecking is because the person has become depressed, anti-social, or just been hurt by someone else (a lover, another friend, or humanity per se) that they close off. like the jim carey's character in the movie Yes Man. I also have experience in this....where being hurt by so many people i constantly rain-check on people all the time (but not out of malice) and people end up hating you or treating you meaner.

 

[Simon_Says]

I havnt read the OP yet, but have you tried going on to Reddit?

I thought Bigfooty could use its own version of /r/amitheasshole but without the swarm of reddit losers who never actually interact with people.

--------

I'll get the ball rolling.

So this dude was one of my good friends years ago, met him at my old workplace (a supermarket) anyway we used to hang out heaps etc etc. but then 4 or 5 years ago we just drifted apart.

Since then we've caught up now and again and it's been fun but I'd hardly call him one of my current good friends.

So anyway, organising a catch up with this bloke lately has been like pulling teeth. Constant stream of rainchecks and last minute pullouts caused me to just go 'fu** it' and mentally check out of this friendship. A few weeks ago we were due to catch up at the pub Fri night, he messages 4pm with some cockamamie excuse and then tries to reschedule to which I go 'haha lets just leave it' which seemed to upset him.

I know it was harsh but I cbf with this merry go round of pretend friendship anymore.

Bigfooty, AITJH?

No You are completely in the right here.
If you asked him (or anyone else for that matter) to come out for any sort of social interaction. (As easy as it is to come over to his house after work for a beer) and he continues to either to too occupied or not telling the truth he isnt worth the rest of your time in the future.

You are making the effort, without a doubt. Feels like he's just on the peripheries of your life, only there when it suits them.
Might seem cynical to fully just cut the "friendship", he sounds too fair weather anyway.
I have one like that too, just seems too still just be relevant in my life, despite me making every effort become a different person to the one he was friends with at School

 

[edgie]

Why are you so interested in catching up with someone who isn't even a good friend?

Sounds like weird millennial behaviour.

 

[Scotland]

+1 non jerk

People who cancel last minute are a park in the arse. I've turned down cool stuff because I have plans only to be cancelled on and then miss both.

People who consistently cancel last minute can gtfo. I have friends I don't bother to make plans with any more.

Girls are the worst for this (guys if that's who you date). Make plans, cancel. Make plans, cancel. Say something like 'ok maybe don't worry about it' and they act like you are a massive a-hole.

 

[Exe Gesis]

another thing i forgot to include....

a reason people rain check too is because they just dont find the person interesting or fun when they used to hang out with you, or you perhaps were always subtly putting them down, or other friends of yours would tag along and put him down, or you liked doing things he didnt like doing but you were often the leader of the two making all the plans/locations, or when you picked up women you were always getting the girl not him, or he felt inadequate in the looks department compared to you....etc.

there are reasons why someone would raincheck. and maybe the OP can elaborate on all this in better detail, more honesty...perhaps theres a side of the story not being shown here, not a clesr cut case of the other guy being the jerk here.

 

[Lebbo73]

in this case he is.

1. the friendship started to drift apart 4 or 5 years ago....obviously perthblue also played a part in that, not a saint there
2. even when things were fun etc, and despite the history, perthblue still never thought of him as a friend....the other guy obviously felt that from him
3. even tho the other guy kept rain-checking with presumably false reasons, perhblue wouldn't know for sure if that's the case or not but still put that feeling across at him....and the other guy obviously felt that from him.
4. He probably never said anything mean when rainchecking, yet perthblue lacked diplomacy in such a situation and had a mean thing to say at him for rainchecking, basically amounting to "yeah sure thing buddy, just fu** off then"...which the other guy obviously felt from him.

no wonder things started drifting apart 4 or 5 years ago and the other guy kept rainchecking on him because from the other guy's perspective perthblue had been a jerk to him or giving off a sense of not being friends.

Sounds like a relationship and perthblue was trying to get back with his ex?

 

[Exe Gesis]

Sounds like a relationship and perthblue was trying to get back with his ex?

same sex friendships are not dissimilar to romantic relationships

 

[Macpotata]

Good move Perth Blue. And a wise one.

 

[Bigjobss]

sometimes the rainchecking is because the person has become depressed, anti-social, or just been hurt by someone else (a lover, another friend, or humanity per se) that they close off. like the jim carey's character in the movie Yes Man. I also have experience in this....where being hurt by so many people i constantly rain-check on people all the time (but not out of malice) and people end up hating you or treating you meaner.

Yeh I've been there before when I was younger.
I withdrew slighty for a period due to social anxieties and depression and my friends kept taking it personally, even after trying to explain, and which ends up feeding a bit of a viscous cycle of negative thought.
It can be hard for people to empathize if they have never been in that Headspace.

 

[Exe Gesis]

Yeh I've been there before when I was younger.
I withdrew slighty for a period due to social anxieties and depression and my friends kept taking it personally, even after trying to explain, and which ends up feeding a bit of a viscous cycle of negative thought.
It can be hard for people to empathize if they have never been in that Headspace.

totally sympathize and been there too

 

[Shell]

sometimes the rainchecking is because the person has become depressed, anti-social, or just been hurt by someone else (a lover, another friend, or humanity per se) that they close off. like the jim carey's character in the movie Yes Man. I also have experience in this....where being hurt by so many people i constantly rain-check on people all the time (but not out of malice) and people end up hating you or treating you meaner.

Fair point.

If not because of that is very campaigner thing to do.