Society & Culture Things in life you just don't understand

[Catfish Alley]

I don't feel I need to bullshit myself and call it "deeper love".

You seem frustrated that I mentioned this Ok, it's a bullshit term. Agreed. I don't know what else to call it though. As I said, seeing my wife as a mother now has added another element. She's not my friend, she's not my roommate, we don't settle for co-habitation because we still want to hang out together more than not. Physical attraction is still very strong. And I do love her. I don't know what else to call it.

 

[quickstraw]

I've been married to my wife for 15 years and I love her more now than ever. I'm not "accepting and making the best" out of my situation. If I was I'd end it and move on.

Tell me, what's your relationship with your wife like now compared to when it started?

I'm calling bullshit. People like you make me laugh. So insecure you have to bullshit yourself. The one part that pricked up my ears is when you said " If I was I'd end it and move on".

I've been with my partner for over 15 years and happier than ever. I don't have to love someone or be loved to be happy. You on the other hand need it. That's why you bullshit yourself you're even more in love than you were in the first 2.5 years. Seems like it's some sort of crutch for you.

 

[Catfish Alley]

Our first couple of years together kind of sucked to be honest. We were living with parents and had no money so didn't have much freedom. I'm quickstraw on that. After 15 years you're probably going to be in a better situation and happier.

 

[peternorth]

I don't understand why people watch shows like MKR,The Block & Big Fat Losers [actually seeing the ratings nobody is watching that]

Do these people go to takeaway joints and restaurants and just stand there watching the chefs cook ?
Do these people hang around building sites just to watch tradies nail something ?
Do these people stand outside weight loss centres watching the fatties inside ?

i believe strongly when the shows started it was about food, cooking, passion, renovations, weight loss/health.

now it's about the hosts and contestants seeking fame.

 

[quickstraw]

Our first couple of years together kind of sucked to be honest. We were living with parents and had no money so didn't have much freedom. I'm quickstraw on that. After 15 years you're probably going to be in a better situation and happier.

Yep, but that isn't really love. That's just happiness with age. I'm happier now than 15 years but it's a life situation thing. I'm financially comfortable and can sit on the couch and watch the footy and scratch my balls without having to worry about a lot of shit you do when you're younger.

I'm concerned that people put this down to love. There's no difference really, it's all the same underneath, but earlier I mentioned some people are more prone to lose their shit and not be able to cope with a relationship if things go wrong (partner cheated, or the old "i'm in a loveless marriage, poor me") and this is why I think they have to maintain the facade to themselves. Personally I prefer to be secure without needing a facade.

Most people I know are like this. Occasionally I come across someone (100% always female) who pulls the "I'm in a loveless marriage" as if they are so naive that they think Disney Princess live happily ever after in romantic bliss stories are true.

 

[quickstraw]

i believe strongly when the shows started it was about food, cooking, passion, renovations, weight loss/health.

now it's about the hosts and contestants seeking fame.

These shows were probably good to start with for reno and cooking enthusiasts (just don't understand why people would watch biggest fat c***) but surely they have gotten stale and boring by now. A fair portion of the public get sick of fame hunters. Part tall poppy syndrome, part "just f*** off you attention seeker".

I think a lot of people still watch it because it's trash TV. As in can sit down and watch without having to mentally invest in it, or don't have to watch every episode as a prerequisite.

I have to say, the most annoying person from reality TV in recent years is that attention seeking talentless f***t**d Tim Dormer from Big Brother. What an absolute ****wit of a bloke.

 

[quickstraw]

I might add Michelle Bridges and Commando. I only just worked out who they actually were about a month ago. These two have been assaulting my intelligence by being constantly talked about in the news and I was always "who are they? Why am I reading this? Don't care. Move on". Now it's sort of become clear they are two of the trainers from Biggest Fat F***.

There two should just f*** off already. D grade celeb central. Go away!

 

[Sanders]

How about we just move on. If you guys think I have it wrong then good for you. I suspect one day in the future each of you will realise that you don't know anyone who is any different. And you may sit there and think "but someone out there is different. I just know it!".

But does it really matter? Enjoy your midlives of contentment and happiness, just don't kid yourselves you're not going to be going through the motions if you're in a LTR.

not sure why you're so keen to side step context

 

[Sanders]

You're getting confused. I lead a "blissful monogamous life" after over 10 years. Am I in love with my wife? Nope. What's different for the other people? Nothing - they're about the same as me but for some reason they like to call it "deeper love" or "love on a different level". I just call it what it is: "accepting and making the best out of long term co-habitation". I wouldn't change my situation but in the same respect I don't feel I need to bullshit myself and call it "deeper love".

OK so there is a problem in your relationship and rather than accept any responsibility you'd rather call it an inevitable consequence of human nature.

If its an inevitable consequence then its nothing you did, nothing you could have done, you did your best and this is all that there is

Fine. Maybe you're right, maybe not. But clearly your point of view is dependent on those assumptions

 

[quickstraw]

OK so there is a problem in your relationship

How so? My relationship is pretty standard for a couple who have been together for over 15 years.

and rather than accept any responsibility

Accept responsibility for getting bored of banging the same person? Accept responsibility for going through the motions? (both ways). Perhaps you need a reality check?

you'd rather call it an inevitable consequence of human nature.

Looks like a duck, quacks like a duck....

If its an inevitable consequence then its nothing you did, nothing you could have done,

Please provide suggestions because there's no shortage of people looking for the answer. You could get rich if you solve this.

you did your best and this is all that there is

Here's what pussies like you don't get. I don't try. I don't see a point in "trying". I just be. Maybe you're one of these blouses who runs around trying to make your wife happy and get your relationship to work? Perhaps you should go buy Cosmo because they're probably tell you.

I live my life and don't see value out of bending too much for others. Sure I make some compromises to be reasonable but I have never actually wondered or worried about how my relationship is going. So this "you did your best" is incorrect. It should read "you did nothing".

Fine. Maybe you're right, maybe not. But clearly your point of view is dependent on those assumptions

Most people in the same situation agree. It's called reality.

 

[courtjester]

"Anyone who doesn't agree with me is a blouse and a pussy"- Quikstraw.

I doubt you've been in a long term relationship because you sound like a year 8 mate.

 

[quickstraw]

Hahahaha. Your arguments are pathetic and pissweak, and it's you who will be beside yourself when you realise how shallow and superficial you are.

Superficial? I'm not the one who has to pretend to themselves they are madly in love. It's always people like you who lose their shit when their wife leaves. You seem like an emasculated pussy-whipped try hard. Tip-toeing around your wife to keep her happy so she doesn't pack up and leave.

 

[courtjester]

Superficial? I'm not the one who has to pretend to themselves they are madly in love. It's always people like you who lose their shit when their wife leaves. You seem like an emasculated pussy-whipped try hard. Tip-toeing around your wife to keep her happy so she doesn't pack up and leave.

Where did I say I was "madly in love"?

Let's play the "you seem like" game though...

You seem like an absolute ****wit.

 

[courtjester]

Dear F*** Breath,

You said:

I've been married to my wife for 15 years and I love her more now than ever.

So either you said you are madly in love, or you're saying you've never been madly in love with your wife (which seems unlikely)

So which one is it?

Regards,
Your marriage counsellor Quickstraw.

Dear quikstraw

You're a dumb shit if you can't see the difference semantically between "madly in love" and "loving someone more than ever". And I'd suggest it's your obvious superficiality and immaturity regarding all aspects of adult relationships that doesn't allow you to see the difference.

Regards,

Someone with an opinion different to yours, which obviously troubles you deeply.

 

[SHAKESPEARE]

 

[quickstraw]

You're a dumb shit if you can't see the difference semantically between "madly in love" and "loving someone more than ever".

Champagne comedy.

So what you're saying is:

- when you first met you were madly in love
- now you love them more than that
- but you're not madly in love

Congats, you win peanut of the year award.


it's quite clear you're doing exactly what I have claimed you are doing.

 

[Total_Juddshanks]

I've never understood advertisements which have a product endorsement by a not instantly recognisable sportsperson or semi-famous celebrity which include a caption with the name of the sportsperson (like ("former Australian cricketer Matthew Hayden") or ("Australian Idol winner.whoever")

Surely if the person is not well known enough to be recognised on sight, they can't be adding much value to the advertisement?

 

[Gough]

I've never understood advertisements which have a product endorsement by a not very well known sportsperson or semi-famous celebrity which include a caption with the name of the sportsperson (like ("former Australian cricketer Matthew Hayden")

Surely if the person is not well known enough to be recognised on sight, they can't be adding much value to the advertisement?

Same way they always say Prime Minister Tony Abbott instead of just his name, we do know he's the f***ing PM.

 

[courtjester]

Champagne comedy.

So what you're saying is:

- when you first met you were madly in love
- now you love them more than that
- but you're not madly in love

Congats, you win peanut of the year award.


it's quite clear you're doing exactly what I have claimed you are doing.

Or maybe, *******, as I matured, my understanding of what "love" means and encompasses have developed from when I was in my late teens?

 

[Guardian Hawk]

7-8 years? I'm thinking minimum 10 but at same time don't think too much will change from 8-10 years.



Good post but I find a few things odd with this. namely; "Our interests and tastes have converged over time meaning we have more fun together than we used to".

Why is this odd?

1. Because the average bloke likes sport, beer, and **** and the average girl likes shopping, shoes, shit music and shit films. You go on to say she has learnt to like somethings you're into and you somethings her....

Question:

Why does it seem you both think you have to like the same stuff? My partner likes shit music, shit TV shows, in fact the only thing i like that she likes is our kids, alcohol, and most mutual friends.

There is just no way i can bring myself to like crappy reality TV or The Black Eyed Peas. Nor do I see a need to. In fact, I think I'd be doing myself a disservice not following the things I really like, vice versa.

Of course I could go out and find a girl who likes Led Zepellin and Pink Floyd and who has an interest in gratuitous violence movies, football, cricket, and surfing the internet, but she'd probably have a penis.

2. The sex thing. This is the first thing I get into when meeting a girl. Sex first policy. That prevents the "Oh, and by the way, I like to have my baws tickled by dwarf with a feather duster when I'm having sex" conversation 3 years into a relationship. That shit is up front and centre because sex is one of the most important parts of any relationship.

3. The excepted for who you really are thing. Surely that's an internal thing? Like a security thing. Pretty sure if a partner is there 10 years later and it makes you feel accepted then it isn't so much a love thing but an "i feel secure". Taker him/her away and replace with someone else and the answer is still "i feel secure someone stays with me for this long".


As I said, a good post, just a few things struck me as unusual for a relationship.

Well I may as well clarify if it is of any benefit.

1. Firstly, neither of us saw any need to like the same stuff at all. We never really sought to do so. It happened naturally as we wanted the other to have a good time when we travelled, went out, etc so we would do something she was into one time and something I was into the next. Sometimes we found out we ended up having a great time ourselves and got into it. It is also a common natural progression for some things to converge somewhat (like your pallette for example) when you eat together, sleep together, live together, etc.
Don't get me wrong - she still likes shit music, shit TV, etc - she loves Glee FFS! - I'm not saying we've become clones of each other and I would certainly hate to go out with myself - just that some things have become more similar and we have a better time for it.

For example, my wife didn't really like footy simply because, like most women, she's not really that into sport. She knew I loved it though so she bought me good tickets a few times, came to a few games and tried to learn a thing or two so she could ask me about it (I didn't really care as I would normally go with mates anyway). She quickly got right into it because "it's not boring like other sports she had watched - cricket, golf, soccer, etc". Now she loves it to the extent she has been without me and has a better footy knowledge than most people I know.

Also, when travelling, she is a real sit on the beach/read a book and do nothing kind of person whereas I'm right into seeing, doing and adventure (so we would divide our trip into two parts). We now both really enjoy the exhiliration or relaxation of the other person's part of the trip - making the whole thing a lot easier to plan and enjoy. Along the same lines, she is a bit of a cautious cat and there a plenty of things she probably would never have tried if I didn’t love them and wasn’t there to encourage her. She has now tried white water rafting, paragliding, kayaking, etc and after the initial nerves – she had a ball! Now she’s the one organising stuff.

She also had the palate of a baby – she liked sickly sweet foods, ‘girly’ alcohol and supposedly didn’t like all sorts of food (real traditional fussy country Aussie kind of taste). After cooking things she reckoned she didn’t like in ways she hadn’t tried before, ordering stuff for myself that she tried (here and overseas) and just generally sharing meals at home has seen her find all sorts of things she now loves, orders and cooks herself.

I have also gotten into certain authors and philosophers she loves (which we enjoy debating about), taken a bigger interest in history and as she is a psych, become more fascinated with human psyche and behaviour (and playing harmless but hilarious experiments with and on our friends).

2. Of course sex is important but I reckon you'd be in the minority if you said "I like to have my baws tickled by dwarf with a feather duster when I'm having sex" on the first couple of dates or right at the start of a relationship. Most girls would end it right there and would probably even avoid the 'pervert' (i.e. you) like the plague. Besides, very early on most guys are usually happy to be having regular good sex and worry about the finer points/specifics later on. Not only that but often your tastes and aventurousness in sex grows with the person you're with. Things I enjoy the most with my wife are not necessarily the same things I have enjoyed in previous relationships. It's part of who she is, what suits her, what she is particularly good at, etc. This is all part of the fun and can definately get better with time (particularly if you get into Kama Sutra or other things you may not have tries much before).

3. Not a bad evaluation but you're missing the two way component of this (i.e. you also love the hidden and deeper parts of who she is). I suppose what I'm saying with this one is that in the first few years of a relationship you cannot possibly know every part of someone else - particularly the hidden parts of someone that they themselves may not even be aware of (or may have been unable to admit to themself about who they really are). As you live and grow with someone you expose and reveal previously hidden parts of their character (good and bad). Sometimes they are parts of their character that just haven't previously had the right circumstances to reveal themselves (i.e. how they respond to tragedy). When you find yourself loving or in love with those parts of who they are it constitutes what could be described as a deeper love as it is a love that stretches beyond that which you loved in the past. The 'security' part you mentioned may come into it for the parts of ourselves that we subconsciously beleive are 'unlovable' but sometimes our partner loves us in spite of these or even because of them. Usually they are the only person close enough to see/notice these parts of you (and vice versa) and certainly the only one to ever love these parts of you (i.e. the 'complete' you rather than the 'general' you they loved when they didn't know you as deeply in the early part of your relationship).

TL;DR; Love can increase in long term relationships in a variety of ways

 

[LukasTheGreat]

Marriage thread.

 

[quickstraw]

Or maybe, *******, as I matured, my understanding of what "love" means and encompasses have developed from when I was in my late teens?

Haha you little pussy. You've already been caught out lying to yourself. It's not that big a stretch to believe you are still doing it.

What's the matter? Upset that I smashed your little dream to pieces?

 

[courtjester]

Haha you little pussy. You've already been caught out lying to yourself. It's not that big a stretch to believe you are still doing it.

What's the matter? Upset that I smashed your little dream to pieces?

Ha. You are a deadset loser.

Seriously, I haven't heard anyone with an IQ over 80 call someone a "pussy" since I was in year 9.

And yeh, you smashed my dream to pieces.

 

[Shell]

Go back to writing your posts as letters guys.

 

[Simon_Nesbit]

If I was doing the same thing for 15 years without putting any effort in, I'd be seriously questioning it's value too.

If I did the same job for 15 years without ever growing, developing or putting in effort I'd feel I had wasted my time and would be looking elsewhere.
If i played the same sport for 15 years without ever training, learning or getting better I'd find a new sport.
If I'd been married for 15 years without ever trying to develop a relationship, I'd be bored and look for a new wife.
If I planted a tree and didn't care for it for 15 years....it might survive, but would lack the colour, height and strength of one tendered with care and consideration.
(I've spent 14 years on BF....and I'm stopping my thought process there)
....

I don't think it's you, your wife or the general nature of relationships at fault here quickstraw - just your acknowledged lack of effort or care in developing the relationship itself.