Vintage Bay Mofra's Bottom 50 of 2017 - the "finals were better last year" Edition

[perplexed]

Loving the melting over LT. I'll miss the great man. It'll be hard work keeping the enemy triggered without him.

 

[Tallest]

Well its about time

 

[leobarryustar]

His greatest gift is perhaps the ability to drag down all those around him. I don’t know what it is about him, but you can just tell that when Tyrone is wearing the jumper, bad things are gonna happen.

‘Hawthorn will turn him around’ was a hilarious point of view.

Also how Hawthorn doctors are the best in the business and will sort out those gammy knees. Hilarious.

 

[HomerThompson]

Tex Walker and his merry band of chokers choked harder than Professer Choke at Choke University, Chokington eating dry Saos at a choking contest

Quality burn.
Although an old-school mention of a fleet of Camrys with automatic choke wouldn't have gone astray.

 

[leobarryustar]

Good on yer Mofra this year was easily the best yet

 

[Sir Hugh Percy]

Quality, Mofra. And saved the best for last, though poor old Ty is a walking punchline who provides so much material just by being Ty.

 

[BLERN]

 

[AlecDuncan]

A toure de force Mofra. Enjoyed every word.

 

[Kismet]

Outstanding work Mofra. So much quality and so many laughs.

 

[LuvtheKangas]

Adding my congratulations, Mof. Brilliant work, as usual.

I also very much enjoy the bleatings of those who appear to believe you have a contractual obligation to literally list the bottom 50 players in order, and to do so far more quickly than you have done.

 

[parsons nose]

Also how Hawthorn doctors are the best in the business and will sort out those gammy knees. Hilarious.

Ha. Greater things at work here. Don’t you see the pattern. Obviously not. I’ll spell it out for you. Richmond get rid of Vickers= win premiership. Hawthorn get rid of Vickers...never mind.

 

[peppy la pew]

View attachment 446713

He certainly ducked under the radar

 

[largebus]

Lindsay Thomas Number Zero Confirmed?

 

[royals1923]

Player #1 - Tyrone "Ty" Vickery


Pictured: Seriously Shaun, it was a defining track of the 80s. Michael Jackson was awesome, and it's spooky as hell

In the end there could be only one. The man. The myth. The mystery. The Ty.
Sure this entry was more certain than death, taxes, and stupid inspirational quotes on the internet, but hear me out.

View attachment 446708

The end of 2016 seems a lifetime ago. The Bulldogs were premiers, Richmond were strugglers, Sam Mitchell earned the hefty price of pick 88 for his services, Plugger was melting about umpires, and Ty Vickery had just been signed to the Hawks on a two year deal (plus extension clause) for $500k per season.

After successfully signing talls in past years such as Hale, Lake, Gibson, Frawley and McEvoy it was assumed that the Hawks would de-Richmondise big Ty and he would turn out to be another canny selection. 2017 would pan out very very differently.

2017 Pre-season started with some seriously bad signs for the Hawks, especially when Ty started bring his cat to training:


Which became even more concerning when the Hawthorn media team arrived at his home for a "get to know you" interview:


Anyway, once the season started his penchant for feline transport were the least of his worries.
He was dropped after 3 games, kicking his only goal in that stretch in round 2 which was a Joe the Goose over the top so easy that even Josh Jenkins would have blushed when kicking it.
Dropped, he re-emerged in round 9 to play an average first quarter than disappear for the other three. As any 90s raver will tell you, one quarter is nowhere near enough.
He finished off with two more bog-average games then was banished to the VFL.
I guess like Mayne he would knuckle down, help his young teammates, keep his nose clean and...

... no, just no. This recruitment was such a clusterfunk of epic proportions Ty Vickery had to totally Vickery his off-the field exploits too:



Now ignoring his horrible slur regarding overweight primates in the naming of his restaurant, Tyrone did what almost nobody with an IQ above dehydrated house-plant would do: he called in Jake King.


Pictured: Obviously the brains of the operation

Now Ty is 2m tall and weighs 100kgs so obviously he would need to hire his mate, all 178cm and 78kgs of him, to be a "standover man".
Pro-tip: if anyone 178cm qualifies as your "standover man", you can save a heap of cash by getting random St Kilda footballers to ignite your target.

Well, I'm sure Jake used his usual intellectual subtlety and coercion methods to bring a swift resolution to the disagreement:



Ty Vickery was also charged, although "crimes against football" was a notable absentee from the chargesheet. Hawthorn fans, already struggling to cope with the bitter trauma of not having won a premiership for a full 18 months, were beginning to make some disparaging comments about the character of young Ty which upon reflection were both unlikely to happen and anatomically impossible to execute.

This coincided with a rich vein of form in the VFL so mediocre that steamed tofu seems positively exciting in comparison.
Of course there's only one way Ty could finish the year - suspended. That he managed, in an incident I assume is less memorable than the one on-field exploit he will be remembered for:


Yep - take the one ruckman almost universally liked by every AFL fan, a former rookie who single-handedly changed the game forever, earned himself multiple AAs and the respect of the AFL world, add 1 Ty and you get an incident so ugly that Boris Yeltsin and Caroline Wilson could have been the parents.

Even that is not the end of the story. How would Richmond cope with the absence of Ty? Would Jack Riewoldt struggle in attack without a second genuine big body? Would Richmond even be able to compete in the ruck? Would...


Richmond. 2017 premiers.

A team that has been so pitiful for over 30 years that St Kilda fans expressed sympathy for them were the fairytale story of the year.
Some suggest Neil Balme was the architect. Some say Peggy's off-field leadership was highly influential, some say Hardwick started to listen to his assistant coaches more, others say Tex Walker and his merry band of chokers choked harder than Professer Choke at Choke University, Chokington eating dry Saos at a choking contest.

We of the bay know the real reason:

Pictured: And if you freeze the frame you can pinpoint the exact moment every brown and gold hearts broke... there.

Now I did hear a rumour prior to trade period that Ty would in no way shape or form be at Hawthorn in 2018, and after attracting no suiters at the trade table I thought the rumour was less reliable than a Melbourne taxi driver's personal hygene routine.
But no, Ty "retired" to become a professional groupie for his wife who is a professional tennis player.

Fun fact: Arina Rodionova is Vickery's wife and she has achieved a world ranking of 116 in October 2017.
Just like the US election result she was born in Russia WAKE UP SHEEOPLE IGNORE THE MSM!!!
(Dodgy you-tube video with sinister music in the background plays).

Anyway Tyrone, 'Vickers', 'Geddovthefakingground'. You have truly earned this, congratulations on being the no 1 ranked player in this years' Bottom 50.

Very well done Mof, with a few notable exceptions an excellent read. This is the type of highbrow fodder the Bay should be famous for, not silly aliases and pointless ongoing arguments. I doff my cap to you once again.

 

[Allikat]

Great work Mofra ! Will read next year's

 

[Starburns_]

This coincided with a rich vein of form in the VFL so mediocre that steamed tofu seems positively exciting in comparison.
Of course there's only one way Ty could finish the year - suspended. That he managed, in an incident I assume is less memorable than the one on-field exploit he will be remembered for:


Yep - take the one ruckman almost universally liked by every AFL fan, a former rookie who single-handedly changed the game forever, earned himself multiple AAs and the respect of the AFL world, add 1 Ty and you get an incident so ugly that Boris Yeltsin and Caroline Wilson could have been the parents.

Brilliant again, Mofra.

That said, I must correct you on the bolded, there is one more thing he'll be remembered for...

 

[Stifler's mom]

What odds on Jack Darling top 10 next year?

 

[juice t]

The depth of spuds in that Bottom 10 is the best in years

Well done Mofra

 

[Dogs_R_Us]

Mofra forgot to mention Vickery busted Libba's knee in the preseason comp at the start of 2015.

 

[Snuggles]

Great read Mofra - as per my teams long running tradition we were runners up again....

 

[SaintsSeptember]

Great Stuff Mofra
Feel free to go and do irrelevant stuff for ten months now.

 

[bontshow]

Thanks Mofra, entertaining as always

 

[Obi fella]

Best read on BF to date! cheers Mof

 

[Sanders]

Top work Mofra my first top 50 and definitely not the last

Takes some writing talent where relentlessly you see your team get slammed and instead of rearing up you find yourself nodding ‘yup’ in agreement

 

[indygo]

Top work Mofra my first top 50 and definitely not the last

Takes some writing talent where relentlessly you see your team get slammed and instead of rearing up you find yourself nodding ‘yup’ in agreement

Yep. Very true. Even though Slick Vicks open handed slap to ol' glass jaw, was a very special time around here. The Eagles flogs sooked and moaned all the way up through the AA selection because Rance was selected in Eric McKenzies spot apparently. Ha. Good times were had by all.