I know it's flippant of me but I thought I'd go for some light comical relief on this Christmas eve. Females find it funny anyway. ]Size may matter for South Africa [/B]
December 22 2006 at 07:35AM
There is an old trick used by those looking to get an edge on opponents. Take a deep breath and imagine the person in front of you is stark naked.
Well, it doesn't have to be stark. Some throw in the odd bit of inappropriate underwear for variety, but amongst the more sexually fragile this can lead to the sweaty-palmed path of distraction and destroy the effectiveness of the technique.
Also, should you dream up an image of the man you are speaking to wearing suspenders and furry panties, and are later overheard talking about it, you could find yourself subject to some vicious letter writing from a busybody who wants to control the way you think and act. Just ask Jacques Kallis... not that he wears women's underwear, of course.
On that subject, wearing garters was something tried by Nuke LaLoosh, the pitcher played by Tim Robbins in Bull Durham. The garter was given to him, by Annie Savoy (Susan Sarandon), his girlfriend, to stop him thinking too much when he was on the mound... at the baseball diamond, of course.
Perhaps Herschelle Gibbs and Graeme Smith could do worse than a trip down to their nearest stockist of Victoria's Secret or La Perla. All jokes that they are already big girl's blouses will not be entertained, thank you very much.
Where is this going? Well, after the mayhem of the Wanderers, Smith and his not-garter wearing lads will need a mental edge over the Indians and I have stumbled across a fact about their opponents that may help them.
In the latest issue of Newsweek a Dr Chander Puri is quoted on a subject sensitive to all men, but one that is a special worry in India.
"There is anxiety talking about the issue. And normally one feels shy to go to a chemist's shop and ask for a smaller-size condom."
Dr Puri was commenting on the results of a survey that found the "standard international condom size is too large for most Indian men".
The obvious question is just how big is the standard international size, but let us not fiddle with small details but merely be proud our nation is up to international standard in this respect.
I have passed this information on to Cricket South Africa, but have had no reply.
I will, however, be watching the South African players carefully on Boxing Day to see which of them are sneaking glances at the Indians' nether regions and sfellowing, or taking an inordinate amount of time to shine the ball.
Should South Africa win the second Test in Durban, it will, no doubt, be because they are the better and not the bigger team. Because, as India showed at the Wanderers. Size doesn't matter; it's how you swing it.
