Mofra's Bottom 50 for 2021

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Actually only 5 for Collingwood so far.

Lipinski is a Doggies product.

Blues win this. Again.

Dang, I stand corrected. I counted Lipinski as Collingwood, didn't read the fine print.

Carlton 7, St Kilda 6, Collingwood and Bullfrogs 5, etc etc.
 

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Player #9 - Shaun Higgins
View attachment 1286323
Pictured: Shaun Higgins featured in the Wiggles' Big Red car in 1995 according to the Wiggles fandom page

Shaun Higgins is a Geelong local who formerly played for the Bulldogs and North. After finding out he would be 33 years old before season 2021 started, Geelong pounced and offered him a 2 year deal, and offered pick 30 to boot. Even Ned Guy had to double check that trade. After they stopped laughing, North accepted the deal.

This year Shaun played in 17 games as a high forward/utility. All the time he spent forward yielded 4 goals for the season. Despite his reputation as a classy player, and an 'elite kick', Shaun went at a seemingly respectable but highly misrepresented 77% DE this year. Let's unpack this a little.
When weighted for the easy options he takes and the kicks he should make, Higgins was *dun dun daaaahhh* the worst kick in the AFL competition.

Seriously:

I haven't seen such a stunning lack of accuracy since I last read the Covid thread on the conspiracy board on BigFooty.

So Geelong paid pick 30 for a 33 year old, gave him a 2 year deal (lol), only for him to repeatedly miss the target so badly his kicking heat map looks like an RSL urinal at 1am on Saturday morning.
To top this off, the guy hasn't met a reflection he doesn't like - he hogs the mirrors at Geelong more than Tommy Hawkins hogs the halftime oranges. The finer points of dracula had to be explained to him 6 times.
Then there's the cost of not picking a youngster with pick 30, and... oh who am I kidding. Chris Scott would never play the kids anyway. Geelong players are of a demographic so advanced that they needed to hire a consultant just to get the Covid vax certificates onto their pagers.
Rumour has it that Geelong's finals failures are in part to opposition players slipping a copy of the Woman's Weekly cake book into the Geelong rooms pre-game and watching them collapse into a teary, nostalgic mess.
View attachment 1286332
Pictured: Having 'cook' and 'book' in the same post means Carlton's accountant will subscribe to it

Speaking of finals failures, I must give credit to Shaun Higgins for Geelong's last final. Yes they lost by 83 points and the margin was 29 points at halftime, but that wasn't Shaun's fault because he was the sub and didn't get on the ground in that half. Amazingly, Shaun still has a 7m gained better stat sheet than lifetime achievement award winner Gary Rohan at that stage of the game.

Fun fact: Shaun's sister plays netball for the Geelong Cougers, two words that when placed together trigger horrifying levels of PTSD for too many young men.

Shaun, good luck for your final pre-season that starts soon. Welcome to the Bottom 50 for 2021.

Should've made the top 5. Can't wait to see the actual top 5.
 
Should've made the top 5. Can't wait to see the actual top 5.
That’s literally the worst thing you can say in this thread. “Can’t wait”
 
If Buckley, Hird and Vossy haven't made it in here in previous years - it'd have to be a pretty good performance to get included...
Not even Mark Need made the cut
 
Not even Mark Need made the cut

images
 
Player #6 - Devon Smith
1638324410239.png
Pictured: Devon Smith cracks a funny with lifelong Bombers fan Joe Daniher and Adam 'just get me here' Saad

Devon Smith is a short midfielder/forward that Essendon chased heavily and traded in from GWS, because Carlton had so much success with the same strategy that Essendon had to follow.
Devon is nicknamed 'Dev' because Essendon are well known for their affiliation for shortcuts. But first, a little history.

After a 2016 in which Essendon won the spoon and the Bulldogs won the flag, in 2017 Essendon shot up... the ladder to finish 7th, and were only 11 goals short of winning their first final for 13 years. Essendon decided to (yes) take a shortcut and trade for the best player on the market they could find.
Needing a big bodied, contested ball winning midfielder Dodoro naturally chased a short mid/forward and after handing over pick 11, got him.

James Hird's number 5 jumper had spent the last 12 months on a 'study tour' of France in 2016 but after its return to Australia (and with rumours of an illegitimate French T Shirt on the way) Essendon decided to give the jumper to Dev, in a jumper presentation that was presumably held off-site. Essendon hoped Dev would do the jumper 'proud' in an exercise of setting a bar so low that Caleb Daniel couldn't limbo under it.

Dev's time at Essendon started ok, with him bringing a lot of tackling to the team and over 20 touches a year in 2018. Since then he's been in a steady decline, like broadcast television and the quality of threads on Bay 13. This year his lack of pace and size was shown up by teammates such as that young kid everyone went nuts over because he's tall and can run, like Big Bird on that episode of Sesame Street where Bear Grylls rocks up. Dev is listed as 176cm and 77kgs making him small for a small forward. Players that small should be at least quick, and if you exclude brain fades and the occasional ridiculous 50m penalty then Dev is not.

Oh, then there's the selfishness. Exhibit A:


Above: Don't worry boys, I'll ignore two free options and take the responsibility to turn this over myself

Dev's 2021 stats do look 'passable' for a mid/forward if we're talking about a developing kid who may one day transition into a midfielder, but from a guy chased so heavily by Essendon and presumably on a decent sized contract it's not the return they'd be hoping for. Some are even questioning his place in the best 22 for next season - especially considering Essendon's 20th consecutive winning trade week has probably netted them some player ready to play from next year.

Oh, and Dev signed a contract extension in April 2021 because Essendon are desperate to keep their finals losing list together.

Fun fact: Dev Smith was meant to be of the 'S squad' that help Essendon become legitimate competitors again, along with Shiel, Stringer, Saad and Supplements.

Devon, you've done well in life despite your parents naming you after a cheap processed meat product. zackah probably agrees.
Welcome to the Bottom 50 for 2021.
 

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GWS looked like this when McCartney said ......" I told them he's a required player "

Player #6 - Devon Smith
View attachment 1290367
Pictured: Devon Smith cracks a funny with lifelong Bombers fan Joe Daniher and Adam 'just get me here' Saad

Devon Smith is a short midfielder/forward that Essendon chased heavily and traded in from GWS, because Carlton had so much success with the same strategy that Essendon had to follow.
Devon is nicknamed 'Dev' because Essendon are well known for their affiliation for shortcuts. But first, a little history.

After a 2016 in which Essendon won the spoon and the Bulldogs won the flag, in 2017 Essendon shot up... the ladder to finish 7th, and were only 11 goals short of winning their first final for 13 years. Essendon decided to (yes) take a shortcut and trade for the best player on the market they could find.
Needing a big bodied, contested ball winning midfielder Dodoro naturally chased a short mid/forward and after handing over pick 11, got him.

James Hird's number 5 jumper had spent the last 12 months on a 'study tour' of France in 2016 but after its return to Australia (and with rumours of an illegitimate French T Shirt on the way) Essendon decided to give the jumper to Dev, in a jumper presentation that was presumably held off-site. Essendon hoped Dev would do the jumper 'proud' in an exercise of setting a bar so low that Caleb Daniel couldn't limbo under it.

Dev's time at Essendon started ok, with him bringing a lot of tackling to the team and over 20 touches a year in 2018. Since then he's been in a steady decline, like broadcast television and the quality of threads on Bay 13. This year his lack of pace and size was shown up by teammates such as that young kid everyone went nuts over because he's tall and can run, like Big Bird on that episode of Sesame Street where Bear Grylls rocks up. Dev is listed as 176cm and 77kgs making him small for a small forward. Players that small should be at least quick, and if you exclude brain fades and the occasional ridiculous 50m penalty then Dev is not.

Oh, then there's the selfishness. Exhibit A:



Above: Don't worry boys, I'll ignore two free options and take the responsibility to turn this over myself

Dev's 2021 stats do look 'passable' for a mid/forward if we're talking about a developing kid who may one day transition into a midfielder, but from a guy chased so heavily by Essendon and presumably on a decent sized contract it's not the return they'd be hoping for. Some are even questioning his place in the best 22 for next season - especially considering Essendon's 20th consecutive winning trade week has probably netted them some player ready to play from next year.

Oh, and Dev signed a contract extension in April 2021 because Essendon are desperate to keep their finals losing list together.

Fun fact: Dev Smith was meant to be of the 'S squad' that help Essendon become legitimate competitors again, along with Shiel, Stringer, Saad and Supplements.

Devon, you've done well in life despite your parents naming you after a cheap processed meat product. zackah probably agrees.
Welcome to the Bottom 50 for 2021.


GWS looked like this when McCartney said ......" I told them he's a required player "



1638333714321.jpeg
 
Player #6 - Devon Smith

Devon, you've done well in life despite your parents naming you after a cheap processed meat product. zackah probably agrees.
Welcome to the Bottom 50 for 2021.
does that mean that if Dev had been born in WA, his parents would have named him Polony?
 
Player #6 - Devon Smith
View attachment 1290367
Pictured: Devon Smith cracks a funny with lifelong Bombers fan Joe Daniher and Adam 'just get me here' Saad

Devon Smith is a short midfielder/forward that Essendon chased heavily and traded in from GWS, because Carlton had so much success with the same strategy that Essendon had to follow.
Devon is nicknamed 'Dev' because Essendon are well known for their affiliation for shortcuts. But first, a little history.

After a 2016 in which Essendon won the spoon and the Bulldogs won the flag, in 2017 Essendon shot up... the ladder to finish 7th, and were only 11 goals short of winning their first final for 13 years. Essendon decided to (yes) take a shortcut and trade for the best player on the market they could find.
Needing a big bodied, contested ball winning midfielder Dodoro naturally chased a short mid/forward and after handing over pick 11, got him.

James Hird's number 5 jumper had spent the last 12 months on a 'study tour' of France in 2016 but after its return to Australia (and with rumours of an illegitimate French T Shirt on the way) Essendon decided to give the jumper to Dev, in a jumper presentation that was presumably held off-site. Essendon hoped Dev would do the jumper 'proud' in an exercise of setting a bar so low that Caleb Daniel couldn't limbo under it.

Dev's time at Essendon started ok, with him bringing a lot of tackling to the team and over 20 touches a year in 2018. Since then he's been in a steady decline, like broadcast television and the quality of threads on Bay 13. This year his lack of pace and size was shown up by teammates such as that young kid everyone went nuts over because he's tall and can run, like Big Bird on that episode of Sesame Street where Bear Grylls rocks up. Dev is listed as 176cm and 77kgs making him small for a small forward. Players that small should be at least quick, and if you exclude brain fades and the occasional ridiculous 50m penalty then Dev is not.

Oh, then there's the selfishness. Exhibit A:


Above: Don't worry boys, I'll ignore two free options and take the responsibility to turn this over myself

Dev's 2021 stats do look 'passable' for a mid/forward if we're talking about a developing kid who may one day transition into a midfielder, but from a guy chased so heavily by Essendon and presumably on a decent sized contract it's not the return they'd be hoping for. Some are even questioning his place in the best 22 for next season - especially considering Essendon's 20th consecutive winning trade week has probably netted them some player ready to play from next year.

Oh, and Dev signed a contract extension in April 2021 because Essendon are desperate to keep their finals losing list together.

Fun fact: Dev Smith was meant to be of the 'S squad' that help Essendon become legitimate competitors again, along with Shiel, Stringer, Saad and Supplements.

Devon, you've done well in life despite your parents naming you after a cheap processed meat product. zackah probably agrees.
Welcome to the Bottom 50 for 2021.

Brutal. Every single sentence was brutal.
 
Player #5 - Marc Murphy
1638409297061.png
Pictured: Marc Murphy (right) assures former Carlton coach David Teague that he's fit to play

Marc Murphy is one of Carlton's many number 1 draft picks who have helped them climb all the way from cellar dwellers to 'just missing the finals' on multiple occasions.
He is a former club captain, although strangely for Carlton Marc has no court convictions and is of good character.

Marc's football journey began way back in 2005, where he declined the option to play at the Brisbane Lions (where he was eligible as a Father-Son pick) in lieu of getting picked by Carlton. In dating terms, he turned down Susan Boyle to date Gina Rinehardt. Over the years Marc was a fine player for Carlton, even being adjudged the best player in the competition the Coaches Association way back in 2011 which was only 7 years into Essendon's winless finals streak.

In 2013 he took over the Carlton captaincy from Mark Moran and held it until 2018. He then had a decent 2019 and an okish 2020 although it was obvious he was cooked by the end of the year. How cooked? "Even Geelong didn't offer him a contract" cooked.
Carlton decided that sentimentality was more important than on-field performance and gave Marc another year in 2021. The plan seemed to be nurse him to 300 games, although given Carlton's history with numbers I'm surprised they didn't just call him a 300 gamer and be done with it.

Carlton did manage to tape him together enough to roll him out for 14 games of such mediocrity that even his most ardent supporters were starting to question the club direction (which had otherwise been so strong for the past 20+ years). Jon Patton's attempts to "chalk up the big 300" were more dignified. Eventually Marc made it to round 22 where he wound back the clock, in that he somehow had 24 touches and Carlton lost by 95 points.

Now, I don't begrudge Carlton for finally giving their fans something to cheer about other than their bi-annual new coaching appointment to usher in 'a new era'. List managers these days seem to all watch Moneyball before making list decisions but I applaud Carlton for going against the grain and choosing a different film:
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Pictured: Sure beats their last Hollywood inspired strategy, based on Goodfellas

Marc Murphy will always be remembered for leading Carlton for years from a period of darkness to one of mild gloom. He spent so many years carrying a bunch of spuds that the Federal Government have granted him water rights.
There have been a few hiccups during his career, like in 2017 when Jake Carlisle sledged Marc Murphy about his wife and Marc took exception to it. Murphy refused to shake Jake Carlisle's hand at the end of the game, and Jake was reportedly so upset he was heard 'loudly sniffing' in the toilet cubicle afterwards.

Fun fact: Marc's dad John is a Fitzroy legend who played 214 games for the Roys, before playing for South Melbourne and North Melbourne. Fitzroy would merge with the Bears to become the Brisbane Lions, South Melbourne would become the Sydney Swans, and North Melbourne proudly stood alone to win the wooden spoon in 2021.

Marc, congratulations on a fine career. Adios and welcome to the Bottom 50 for 2021.
 

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