76woodenspooners
Brownlow Medallist
Eddie McGuire: "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to the Holden centre for this proud day in the history of the Collingwood football club ...
... It is my privilege to announce that we have appointed Steele Sidebottom to the newly created role of Grand Shoemeister. Steele will report directly to the senior coach.
No doubt you're all familiar with Steele's savant ability to know what pair of footwear is worn by each of the 847 AFL registered footballers (read here ) , so we naturally felt that he was the perfect candidate for the role.
I'd like to introduce Nathan Buckley who will provide a bit more detail about Steele's role ..."
Nathan Buckley: "Thanks Ed"
(Pause)
"The AFL competition is relentless. We must be relentless in our quest for success, we must leave no stone unturned in our quest for success. In a recent mid season review we found that 48.8% of Collingwood players tie their bootlaces with the left loop over right loop (rather than right loop over left) which ranks us 17th in the Competition. It'll come as no surprise to anybody that Hawthorn have led the competition in this stat over the last four seasons. Our footwear issues have been there for everyone to see."
{This spot reserved for when 100volt1 provides me with a 2016 video montage of Collingwood players slip-slip-slipping over, to the tune of the Benny Hill soundtrack}
"... and we're promoting the one and only player who has managed to keep his feet all season - Steele Sidebottom - to the role of Grand Shoemeister. Congratulations Steele.
Steele Sidebottom: "Thanks Bucks, thanks Ed. I dunno what to say, if helping Collingwood players stay on their feet helps us win our next Premiership then that's a great opportunity for me to have."
Eddie McGuire: "We're happy to take any questions"
Mark Robinson: "Is this just some scam to circumvent the salary cap?"
Nathan Buckley (deep stare): "Well if you were paying attention ..."
Eddie McGuire: "I got this ... Yeah, look that's what Gil said too before he found out that the Kardashians had offered Steele a $20 million 6 year contract for the same role. It was a choice of pay up or lose Steele from the AFL. Steele has agreed to work in the role for a fraction of what he could have earnt elsewhere which shows what a proud Collingwood man he is"
Caroline Wilson: "So, Steele, are there any particular teammates who you'll focus on?"
Steele: "Yeah, look, I'll start with Josh Smith, that kid wears ice skates. But he's not alone, all Collingwood players have been slip sliding all year and I guess I'll just try to do my bit to help correct it"
... It is my privilege to announce that we have appointed Steele Sidebottom to the newly created role of Grand Shoemeister. Steele will report directly to the senior coach.
No doubt you're all familiar with Steele's savant ability to know what pair of footwear is worn by each of the 847 AFL registered footballers (read here ) , so we naturally felt that he was the perfect candidate for the role.
I'd like to introduce Nathan Buckley who will provide a bit more detail about Steele's role ..."
Nathan Buckley: "Thanks Ed"
(Pause)
"The AFL competition is relentless. We must be relentless in our quest for success, we must leave no stone unturned in our quest for success. In a recent mid season review we found that 48.8% of Collingwood players tie their bootlaces with the left loop over right loop (rather than right loop over left) which ranks us 17th in the Competition. It'll come as no surprise to anybody that Hawthorn have led the competition in this stat over the last four seasons. Our footwear issues have been there for everyone to see."
{This spot reserved for when 100volt1 provides me with a 2016 video montage of Collingwood players slip-slip-slipping over, to the tune of the Benny Hill soundtrack}
"So we're getting on the front foot ..." (You were warned)
Steele Sidebottom: "Thanks Bucks, thanks Ed. I dunno what to say, if helping Collingwood players stay on their feet helps us win our next Premiership then that's a great opportunity for me to have."
Eddie McGuire: "We're happy to take any questions"
Mark Robinson: "Is this just some scam to circumvent the salary cap?"
Nathan Buckley (deep stare): "Well if you were paying attention ..."
Eddie McGuire: "I got this ... Yeah, look that's what Gil said too before he found out that the Kardashians had offered Steele a $20 million 6 year contract for the same role. It was a choice of pay up or lose Steele from the AFL. Steele has agreed to work in the role for a fraction of what he could have earnt elsewhere which shows what a proud Collingwood man he is"
Caroline Wilson: "So, Steele, are there any particular teammates who you'll focus on?"
Steele: "Yeah, look, I'll start with Josh Smith, that kid wears ice skates. But he's not alone, all Collingwood players have been slip sliding all year and I guess I'll just try to do my bit to help correct it"
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