Family & Relationships Open Marriages/ Relationships- an emerging trend?

[outabounds]

I have 2 lots of couples in my friendship group who have an open type arrangement to their marriages. I know its always gone on but people are becoming a lot more visible about it all. One couple is entirely open, going off and sleeping with other people as long as the other partner is aware. The other couple go on Apps and find like minded couple and basically swap partners , they largely do this together and not apart. They meet up with couple, go out and get to know them and then book a room together if they all like each other. Do you know others doing this and what kind of long term impacts do you think this will have on their relationships. Are you doing this or know others who are into it?

 

[the_interloper]

I have 2 lots of couples in my friendship group who have an open type arrangement to their marriages. I know its always gone on but people are becoming a lot more visible about it all. One couple is entirely open, going off and sleeping with other people as long as the other partner is aware. The other couple go on Apps and find like minded couple and basically swap partners , they largely do this together and not apart. They meet up with couple, go out and get to know them and then book a room together if they all like each other. Do you know others doing this and what kind of long term impacts do you think this will have on their relationships. Are you doing this or know others who are into it?

A mate of mine growing up seemed to have a third member (bloke) in his parent's relationship. It was never explained to us, he just seemed to hang around, both when the husband was there and also when not, my other mate saw the ring in and the mum in compromising situations once or twice. They were European background, not sure if this is relevant or not.

Anyway this wouldn't be my bag baby

 

[The Passenger]

With a short term partner / fling... Given it a go. Was neither here nor there.

With a long term partner/ life partner... It would be more pleasurable to put my nuts in a vice whilst a scalding hot iron stuck is simultaneously stuck up my ass.

If you're a bloke who's been propositioned by this and thinks he has hit the jackpot, bad news for you. Your girlfriend will (almost certainly) come out well Infront and you'll likely just end up resenting it. On average, blokes have higher sex driver but the ease at which women can pick up blows that out of the water by several factors.

The handful of long termers I know into this lifestyle have a very specific midnset that I - even for all my liberalness - was just not able to embrace... At least I Certainly wasn't ready to embrace it with a women I wanted to spend my life with.

 

[Fossie 32]

They are featuring this topic on Home and Away

 

[craigos]

They are featuring this topic on Home and Away

Alf slinging pipe once again. Insatiable.

 

[perthblue]

I think if you're a bloke and are OK with your wife/girlfriend going out and getting laid by random dudes then you are either a) lying and secretly cry yourself to sleep every night, or b) mentally deranged

 

[ioppolo]

Sounds 110% better in theory than in reality.
Solid no from me.
I'm not against hall passes, but this is too far.

 

[phantom13]

With a short term partner / fling... Given it a go. Was neither here nor there.

With a long term partner/ life partner... It would be more pleasurable to put my nuts in a vice whilst a scalding hot iron stuck is simultaneously stuck up my ass.

If you're a bloke who's been propositioned by this and thinks he has hit the jackpot, bad news for you. Your girlfriend will (almost certainly) come out well Infront and you'll likely just end up resenting it. On average, blokes have higher sex driver but the ease at which women can pick up blows that out of the water by several factors.

The handful of long termers I know into this lifestyle have a very specific midnset that I - even for all my liberalness - was just not able to embrace... At least I Certainly wasn't ready to embrace it with a women I wanted to spend my life with.

Not having a go at you but the third paragraph is a bit of an issue in the way most people view open relationships.

Full disclosure happily married in a monogamous relationship with no plans to open it.

It shouldn’t be a competition and neither party should be doing comparatives.

Non monogamy or polyamory is a perfectly suitable relationship choice and lifestyle if both parties want it and have the very long and detailed convo about what it means for them, it suprises me how much it’s derided, another couples choices about how and why they live their life are really none of my concern.

There is a big element of open relationships that makes sense to me. I know I can’t be all things to my wife all the time (and Vice versa) so you either make a choice that you’re happy making some compromises to maintain a monogomous relationship or you make a choice to get your fill elsewhere.

We’re all accustomed to monogomy as the default, I think the rise in polyamory is really down to younger generations being
1- more understanding and less judgemental of it and
2- being much more open about it (they also feel a burning desire to share ******* everything on socials etc).

At some point I’m sure people won’t see polyamory as “less than” monogomy but I suspect we are a while off that yet.

 

[Frank Bunn]

I think if you're a bloke and are OK with your wife/girlfriend going out and getting laid by random dudes then you are either a) lying and secretly cry yourself to sleep every night, or b) mentally deranged

Evolutionary psychology tells us that it's deeply ingrained in the male psyche to not tolerate your missus having sex with other men - because you might end up raising their children. Even if there's no risk of pregnancy, or polyamory becoming more socially acceptable in recent times, the psychological impulses are still there.

Women might have different motivations. A woman knows for certain that the children that she gives birth to are related to her. So she might be tolerant of her hubby's external affairs if her children are being looked after.

Polygyny, where a man is married to more than one woman, has been common in human history and still prevalent in the Muslim world. Polyandry, where a woman is married to more than one man, is very rare, and still has a biological basis for it - where two or more brothers are married to the same wife.

 

[The Passenger]

Not having a go at you but the third paragraph is a bit of an issue in the way most people view open relationships.

Full disclosure happily married in a monogamous relationship with no plans to open it.

It shouldn’t be a competition and neither party should be doing comparatives.

Totally agree. But I suspect a lot of guys go into an open relationship thinking they're going to make out like bandits (so to speak). If that's the mindset then it's almost certainly going to end in tears.

 

[mr bagcroft]

Yeah nah * that right in the eye.
Each to their own, but...
total junk concept to me and wouldnt consider it for a second.

 

[outabounds]

Not having a go at you but the third paragraph is a bit of an issue in the way most people view open relationships.

Full disclosure happily married in a monogamous relationship with no plans to open it.

It shouldn’t be a competition and neither party should be doing comparatives.

Non monogamy or polyamory is a perfectly suitable relationship choice and lifestyle if both parties want it and have the very long and detailed convo about what it means for them, it suprises me how much it’s derided, another couples choices about how and why they live their life are really none of my concern.

There is a big element of open relationships that makes sense to me. I know I can’t be all things to my wife all the time (and Vice versa) so you either make a choice that you’re happy making some compromises to maintain a monogomous relationship or you make a choice to get your fill elsewhere.

We’re all accustomed to monogomy as the default, I think the rise in polyamory is really down to younger generations being
1- more understanding and less judgemental of it and
2- being much more open about it (they also feel a burning desire to share ******* everything on socials etc).

At some point I’m sure people won’t see polyamory as “less than” monogomy but I suspect we are a while off that yet.

You make some excellent points. Interestingly, the two examples cited on the original post are couples in their 40s with teenage kids. I'm kind of fascinated about how it all turns out for them.

 

[ioppolo]

You make some excellent points. Interestingly, the two examples cited on the original post are couples in their 40s with teenage kids. I'm kind of fascinated about how it all turns out for them.

Seems to be more common in that age bracket and older.
Keep things spicy or an acceptance of they've been together for so long so let's explore for the hell of it?

 

[outabounds]

Seems to be more common in that age bracket and older.
Keep things spicy or an acceptance of they've been together for so long so let's explore for the hell of it?

Yep, I think its all about keeping things exciting.

 

[the_interloper]

Mofra can probably add more than most to this thread I suspect

 

[phantom13]

Seems to be more common in that age bracket and older.
Keep things spicy or an acceptance of they've been together for so long so let's explore for the hell of it?

I could imagine a scenario where youre a bit like "post kids, what is our relationship now".

My in laws are a bit like that, clearly had a driving purpose to be great parents when the kids were a bit younger but now theyre all out of home they seem to kinda resent each other as much as anything else.

I will say to successfully do an open relationship you would need a strong, very good communicating relationship to start with. The level of trust and belief would be easily tested over the littlest white lie i would think.

I also think open relationship with youngish kids would be a bad call, kids are perceptive and whilst there is nothing wrong at all with an open relationship the nuance of it would be lost on a child and i could imagine might skew what they view as healthy down the line.

 

[blueboy25]

Alf slinging pipe once again. Insatiable.

Have to be Leah....she has had more blokes than Lance Whitnall has had hot dinners

 

[raskolnikov]

I could imagine a scenario where youre a bit like "post kids, what is our relationship now".

My in laws are a bit like that, clearly had a driving purpose to be great parents when the kids were a bit younger but now theyre all out of home they seem to kinda resent each other as much as anything else.

I will say to successfully do an open relationship you would need a strong, very good communicating relationship to start with. The level of trust and belief would be easily tested over the littlest white lie i would think.

I also think open relationship with youngish kids would be a bad call, kids are perceptive and whilst there is nothing wrong at all with an open relationship the nuance of it would be lost on a child and i could imagine might skew what they view as healthy down the line.

After my siblings and I left home my parents basically went their own separate ways. Lived in the same house. but in different rooms and had separate social lives. They even went travelling without the other. I don't know if they did the deed with other people and don't care to know.

 

[Richard Pryor]

On emergence, I agree with OP in that I think it's just become more open. I'd assume the rates of people doing it are probably the same as always but less hush-hush.

 

[phantom13]

On emergence, I agree with OP in that I think it's just become more open. I'd assume the rates of people doing it are probably the same as always but less hush-hush.

I suspect that with more exposure comes more uptake.

There was and is a huge stigma with swingers for people over a certain age, that stigma is essentially gone with younger people so it’s a more attractive option.

 

[Richard Pryor]

I suspect that with more exposure comes more uptake.

There was and is a huge stigma with swingers for people over a certain age, that stigma is essentially gone with younger people so it’s a more attractive option.

I feel like swinging is distinct from open marriages as my understanding is its more of a 'team effort', more company expansion as opposed to side gig independent contracting.

 

[phantom13]

I feel like swinging is distinct from open marriages as my understanding is its more of a 'team effort', more company expansion as opposed to side gig independent contracting.

Thats probably fair, holistically i mean that whole lifestyle has a stigma and i doubt that those older generations really define swingers and polyamoury as being fundamentally different.

You picture the creepy couple with the keys in the bowl versus the modern man and woman dating but also still in tinder (as dumb stereotypes) but i think thats actually how some (many) see it, hence there would be more younger people living that polyamorous lifestyle opposed to older couples

 

[mr bagcroft]

One day I hope to meet a female that is into monogamy. Be ****ed if I ever thought I would say that.
No way I would be entertaining anything but.
Gotta be a few left out there 40 plus...
Anyway, meh.

 

[Mofra]

Mofra can probably add more than most to this thread I suspect

It's all fun and games until you knock up your polyamorous bisexual ex-girlfriend....

 

[Caesar]

You make some excellent points. Interestingly, the two examples cited on the original post are couples in their 40s with teenage kids. I'm kind of fascinated about how it all turns out for them.

Two couples of my acquaintance have tried it. Both had kids. In both cases it was effectively a last ditch effort to try and keep the family unit together despite the marriage being essentially dead. In both cases it was just a precursor to a proper separation and divorce.

If I was to speculate why they did it, I would guess it basically came down to money. These days the cost of housing means most families are two-income and leveraged out the wazoo. In both cases I mention, the eventual split resulted in the family home being sold and everyone involved - partners and kids - ending up in a significantly worse financial position.

But the idea that unhappy people resort to open marriages because they can't afford to get divorced is depressingly banal and makes me really sad.