- May 23, 2012
- Smoothie King Central
- AFL Club
- Other Teams
- Tottenham Hotspur, New Orleans Pels
Welcome hoops aficionados to the long-awaited flamethrower showdown between the superteam by the bay and the super-duper team from Texas.
If you enjoy long range bombs, a wide array of questionable facial hair and the odd bit of complaining to the refs, then this is definitely the series for you. If you were a fan of the OKC Thunder five years ago though, it might be time to turn off the TV and think about a new bandwagon team.
There's a shootout? Why wasn't I invited?
We're going to begin with a well-deserved look at the pivotal role the New Orleans Pelicans (nee Hornets) have played in proceedings here. You've no doubt heard about the Popovich coaching tree, but that pales into comparison with the mighty array of Pelican progeny on show in this series.
On the Golden State side we've got ol' reliable, Mr. David West (may or may not be better than Bosh), ex Pelican superstar Quinn Cook and the fruit of Hornet royalty loins in some guy called Steph Curry.
As for Houston side of things, well they say a picture speaks a thousand words...
Clearly the secret is out, as more and more teams flock to Louisiana to learn the awesome secrets than underpin the NBA's most elite franchise. If we look at the beginnings of Pelican history, then...
This is a warning from your friendly neighbourhood moderator. Please keep this preview focused on the Houston Rockets and the Golden State Warriors. Thank you.
Ahem. So as I was saying, two high-powered offences going at, some of the best and most creative shot-makers in the game. Sprinkle in a platoon of some of the toughest perimeter stoppers going around and we have the recipe for a ball-tearing, eye-watering classic.
Speaking of eye-watering, did anyone catch the free-throw discrepancy in the Warriors/Pelicans series? Now I'm not saying that New Orleans is the best team in the NBA, but they very well could be, and...
This is your moderator speaking, again. Please keep the topic on point, or you will be in more trouble than Kobe at a Colorado hotel. This is your final warning.
Sheesh, what a slave-driver. He works quicker than nufan on Tinder does our mod overlord.
Alright given that compulsive punting plays a key role in the life of this fine board, let's take a look-see at what the markets are saying, shall we?
Most bandwagon fans: Golden State $1.30, Houston $2.50
Most irrationally angry fans: Houston $1.05, Golden State $6.00
Most valuable facial hair: Houston $1.50, Golden State $2.10
Most valuable Pepsi Max contract: Draymond Green $1.20, Ryan Anderson $5.00
Least likely to register an assist: Nick Young $1.01, Gerald Green $1.25, all others on demand
Most likely to torpedo their own team: Javale McGee $1.40, Joe Johnson $2.20
Most valuable campaigner: James Harden $1.50, Chris Paul $1.75, Draymond Green $2.00
Least valuable campaigner: Zaza Pachulia $1.01
Most likely to switch teams after the series: Kevin Durant $1.65, Westy Bogan $1.65
Most likely to surrender a 3-1 lead: Chris Paul $1.60, Golden State $1.70
Hmmm, could be some controversy there. We'll have to see how the market fluctuates.
And please, remember to gamble responsibly kids... or else you might end up a vegan eunuch like Primetime Pricey
I could be really cliched and give you a bunch of my own attempted analysis here, but I won't because I'm too lazy a professional.
Instead please enjoy a selection of guest experts with places in both Warriors' and Rockets' history. If you're a hardcore Dub or Rocket fan but have never heard of any of these people, then please put on your snapback cap and BigBaller shoes and go play in traffic until this series is complete. Enjoy.
Q: So Robert, do you like your old team in this series? Or do you feel like the Dubs are on their way to yet another title?
A: Yet another title? Please biatch, get back to me when you've got seven rings. The Dubs are totally overrated - sure guys like Curry and Thompson score a bunch of points, but where are the cool nicknames? Big Shot Bob all day man. And Draymond ain't that tough - has he ever hip checked a flyweight point guard into the scorer's table? Thought not. Not yet anyway...
I ain't that crazy about the Rockets either though. I mean that commercial with Chris and Cliff Paul? Gimme a break. They should have just gotten me and Will Smith to play brothers, it'd have been more convincing.
Q: Well Rick, as the man who first put the Warriors on the map you must be enjoying their current success - do you think they can take down the Rockets?
A: First off, I should point out that I'm not awfully convinced by either team. Steph's pube beard, Klay's goatee, Harden's homeless man job - I don't think they've got what it takes in the hair stakes. They need a cool, clean look... like I had. The only man to ever wear a comb-over bob better was Bargearse.
Secondly I'm a bit worried about all this flopping by shooters to get more free throws. When I advocated underhanded free throws, I was talking about something else entirely.
Q: Aaah, Mad Max - today's gun-slinging style must bring a tear to your eye - who do you like here?
A: Well I don't like people who call me 'Mad' for starters. If you were a fan in the stands I would totally climb up and punch your lights out. Or give you herpes.
It is nice to know that I was a basketball pioneer though - it seems like Mike D'Antoni based his whole gameplan on my career MO. It's no coincidence that Houston hasn't won a championship without me on the team... well, except that second one where I got kicked off the team, but we're not going there.
Q: My man, Sleepy. You played for both these franchises back in your heyday - what do you think?
A: I think I want my money: you told me to say a few words because you still think my name, Sleepy Floyd, is really funny. Juvenile humour has no place on a basketball message board if you ask me.
So just give me my five bucks and I'll be on my way. Or better yet put a bet down for me on Westy Bogan to change teams if the Rockets win - I've heard he was a fan since the golden Jeremy Lin era.
Q: Bobby, can you help us out? We need an expert with a foot in both camps to give us some analysis.
A: In my expert opinion, it's probably not a good idea to go with a bad bleach hairdo - it makes people think that you're some kind of free-wheeling anarchist. I dunno why people think that, since only me, Jason Williams and Jason Kidd ever sported that look.
I don't know if any of the current Dubs or Rockets players have ever gone with that style, so I'm on the fence. I kinda like Nene's dreads, and Gerald Green is bringing the corn rows back... maybe I'll go with Houston. Oh wait, George Hill also went the peroxide route? Really? Scratch that, I'm going with Cleveland then.
Q: Coach Adelman, you actually coached both these franchises; can you offer us some wise words? How do you lead a high-powered offensive juggernaut through the Western Conference Finals and emerge victorious?
A: It's pretty simple really - don't play the Lakers.