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Proper Gander

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Feb 15, 2015
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I still have symptoms of post traumatic shock. I’m so annoyed because I thought I was over it and I was even a bit proud of myself for recovering after being caught up in an horrific event a few years back.

This morning I was on a train packed to sardines that slowed to a crawl, took 20 minutes to get half a kilometre, then stopped dead in a tunnel in the city circle. No announcement about why it stopped. The thing didn’t move for 15 minutes. My heart rate was at something crazy and I was sweating like crazy. Then all the lights went out. I honestly thought I was dying for a bit there.

Of course I was safe and nothing happened but the adrenaline in my body doesn’t seem to listen to reason. Im so so pissed off to find I can’t shake this. Im also so exhausted after a day of feeling freaked out but I still struggle getting to sleep because my mind is racing again. I wish my moods could be stable. Im so freaking tired.
 

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Buzz Hawk

Club Legend
Jul 23, 2017
1,681
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Buttox
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Hawthorn
I still have symptoms of post traumatic shock. I’m so annoyed because I thought I was over it and I was even a bit proud of myself for recovering after being caught up in an horrific event a few years back.

This morning I was on a train packed to sardines that slowed to a crawl, took 20 minutes to get half a kilometre, then stopped dead in a tunnel in the city circle. No announcement about why it stopped. The thing didn’t move for 15 minutes. My heart rate was at something crazy and I was sweating like crazy. Then all the lights went out. I honestly thought I was dying for a bit there.

Of course I was safe and nothing happened but the adrenaline in my body doesn’t seem to listen to reason. Im so so pi**ed off to find I can’t shake this. Im also so exhausted after a day of feeling freaked out but I still struggle getting to sleep because my mind is racing again. I wish my moods could be stable. Im so freaking tired.
It takes time.
Allow yourself that time and don’t be so hard on yourself.
Acknowledge it, yes it’s happening, my mind is racing, again, but I know this feeling and I will get through it.
And you will. Believe that.
 

Ando727

Norm Smith Medallist
Dec 12, 2009
5,913
12,281
Hobart
AFL Club
Melbourne
I still have symptoms of post traumatic shock. I’m so annoyed because I thought I was over it and I was even a bit proud of myself for recovering after being caught up in an horrific event a few years back.

This morning I was on a train packed to sardines that slowed to a crawl, took 20 minutes to get half a kilometre, then stopped dead in a tunnel in the city circle. No announcement about why it stopped. The thing didn’t move for 15 minutes. My heart rate was at something crazy and I was sweating like crazy. Then all the lights went out. I honestly thought I was dying for a bit there.

Of course I was safe and nothing happened but the adrenaline in my body doesn’t seem to listen to reason. Im so so pi**ed off to find I can’t shake this. Im also so exhausted after a day of feeling freaked out but I still struggle getting to sleep because my mind is racing again. I wish my moods could be stable. Im so freaking tired.
PTSD is a real thing, no doubt. It can resurface at the most random times - even when the overall trajectory is positive. Don't be hard on yourself about it. It's not that you have or haven't done something. You probably can't stop it entirely from happening once in a while. That's the problem with the brain - it actually has a routine of spontaneously firing neurones to maintain synapses and functioning. Unfortunately that can mean triggering memories and emotions we'd rather forget. It sucks, but it's unlikely to keep happening. You put in the hard work to recover, and if you keep doing the things that you know are good for you, you'll be ok. Just keep in mind that these things can resurface occasionally and be prepared for that possibility. You still have every right to feel proud of yourself - so give yourself a break, ok?
 

mxett

Brownlow Medallist
Jul 1, 2007
24,156
9,838
Melbourne
AFL Club
Essendon
I still have symptoms of post traumatic shock. I’m so annoyed because I thought I was over it and I was even a bit proud of myself for recovering after being caught up in an horrific event a few years back.

This morning I was on a train packed to sardines that slowed to a crawl, took 20 minutes to get half a kilometre, then stopped dead in a tunnel in the city circle. No announcement about why it stopped. The thing didn’t move for 15 minutes. My heart rate was at something crazy and I was sweating like crazy. Then all the lights went out. I honestly thought I was dying for a bit there.

Of course I was safe and nothing happened but the adrenaline in my body doesn’t seem to listen to reason. Im so so pi**ed off to find I can’t shake this. Im also so exhausted after a day of feeling freaked out but I still struggle getting to sleep because my mind is racing again. I wish my moods could be stable. Im so freaking tired.
I hear you, so annoying when your body and mind just take off like that. You know exactly what is happening and that you are really safe, but it just does it's own thing. Things will improve again though, setbacks are very normal. You will get stronger when you pass each one
 

Ando727

Norm Smith Medallist
Dec 12, 2009
5,913
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Well I did it. Seeing a psych next week.

Can’t get over the nagging feeling that life isn’t right despite having it all. And it’s really getting to me.
Good luck mate. It's a courageous thing you're doing. It's all about getting to know yourself better. We often have poor insight into our own functioning. Getting some more objective eyes on the situation can help a lot.
 

mxett

Brownlow Medallist
Jul 1, 2007
24,156
9,838
Melbourne
AFL Club
Essendon
“The road leading up to last Monday’s events began eight months ago when Danny made the decision to take himself off his prescribed medication. At this point Danny felt invincible, like the true competitor and proud man that he was; he felt that he had beaten the disease.

“In fact, he felt bullet proof, which contributed to his decision to remove himself from his support network including his psychiatric care and not continuing to work with his team of mental health professionals.

Puts his death into some context. It's very common for mental illness to return when treatment is discontinued, I can personally attest to that more than once. There's no shame in accepting you need some help to be happy and healthy. No different to someone requiring heart medication for the rest of their life to be well.
 

BlackGun1

Club Legend
Oct 13, 2007
1,157
1,215
Qld
AFL Club
Brisbane Lions
“The road leading up to last Monday’s events began eight months ago when Danny made the decision to take himself off his prescribed medication. At this point Danny felt invincible, like the true competitor and proud man that he was; he felt that he had beaten the disease.

“In fact, he felt bullet proof, which contributed to his decision to remove himself from his support network including his psychiatric care and not continuing to work with his team of mental health professionals.


Puts his death into some context. It's very common for mental illness to return when treatment is discontinued, I can personally attest to that more than once. There's no shame in accepting you need some help to be happy and healthy. No different to someone requiring heart medication for the rest of their life to be well.
I've been 'in remission' for some time now from Anxiety/secondary depression but couldn't imagine ever not going off my meds. Sad, but i've faced that reality and so far, so good.
 

John Who

Norm Smith Medallist
Apr 16, 2017
6,685
4,555
AFL Club
Adelaide
I still have symptoms of post traumatic shock. I’m so annoyed because I thought I was over it and I was even a bit proud of myself for recovering after being caught up in an horrific event a few years back.

This morning I was on a train packed to sardines that slowed to a crawl, took 20 minutes to get half a kilometre, then stopped dead in a tunnel in the city circle. No announcement about why it stopped. The thing didn’t move for 15 minutes. My heart rate was at something crazy and I was sweating like crazy. Then all the lights went out. I honestly thought I was dying for a bit there.

Of course I was safe and nothing happened but the adrenaline in my body doesn’t seem to listen to reason. Im so so pi**ed off to find I can’t shake this. Im also so exhausted after a day of feeling freaked out but I still struggle getting to sleep because my mind is racing again. I wish my moods could be stable. Im so freaking tired.
What you are describing are 2 separate issues:
- PTSD = anxieties relating to past trauma(s)
- panic attacks = extreme anxiety where you literally feel like you might die or pass out

Unfortunately when you’re in a state of “panic attack”, it might not be so easy to tell yourself to remain calm, similar in a way to a seizure episode. It might be beyond your control. From what you are stating, seeking for advice from the GP is recommended, and further psychology sessions might help you and/or medications during panic attacks.
 

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John Who

Norm Smith Medallist
Apr 16, 2017
6,685
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Good luck mate. It's a courageous thing you're doing. It's all about getting to know yourself better. We often have poor insight into our own functioning. Getting some more objective eyes on the situation can help a lot.
Extending further to this point, I see physical health and mental health as one in the same, the body and mind co-exist as a lifetime partner where you can never be divorced.

If anyone can understand that things can go wrong with the body, and need regular blood checks and blood pressure checks, then no different to having a yarn with the GP and discussing your “stresses” every now and then, to have some level of objectivity to the state of the mind.

Bearing in mind though, you need to seek the right GP who deals with mental health issues, not all GPs are heavily invested in mental health.
 

Aeglos

Premiership Player
Sep 27, 2016
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Extending further to this point, I see physical health and mental health as one in the same, the body and mind co-exist as a lifetime partner where you can never be divorced.

If anyone can understand that things can go wrong with the body, and need regular blood checks and blood pressure checks, then no different to having a yarn with the GP and discussing your “stresses” every now and then, to have some level of objectivity to the state of the mind.

Bearing in mind though, you need to seek the right GP who deals with mental health issues, not all GPs are heavily invested in mental health.
Interestingly enough the changes to our nervous system are very similar in both mental illness/disorder and musculoskeletal chronic pain.
May help to explain why history of depression is the biggest risk factor for the development of chronic pain!
 

John Who

Norm Smith Medallist
Apr 16, 2017
6,685
4,555
AFL Club
Adelaide
Interestingly enough the changes to our nervous system are very similar in both mental illness/disorder and musculoskeletal chronic pain.
May help to explain why history of depression is the biggest risk factor for the development of chronic pain!
Emotional pain and physical pain are all regulated by the brain itself, so if stress worsens (emotional pain), often the brain’s perception of physical pain is altered.

Same with the concept of mental symptoms and physical symptoms, they often overlap the longer the condition becomes:
- chronic mental illness can lead to worsening physical symptoms
- chronic physical illness can lead to worsening mental symptoms
 

mxett

Brownlow Medallist
Jul 1, 2007
24,156
9,838
Melbourne
AFL Club
Essendon
Has anyone ever called one of these help line numbers and if so what was the experience like? Did it help any? Always figured it was a waste of time.
I have, a few times. Not because I was worried for my safety but because I was after some advice. It helped maybe a little but I think it's a crucial service for people who are in a desperate way
 

PhatBoy

Brownlow Medallist
May 5, 2016
19,557
20,204
AFL Club
Geelong
Mods plz delete it this is too personal.

I don’t know why I didn’t think to post in here before when this started, given that BF is basically my therapy whenever I need time out anyway, but here goes:

About 5 months ago I got talking to a girl I work with, lots in common, same age as me, two boys the same age as my two, I’m a guitar teacher part time, her kids learn guitar, I started to do little jobs for her tuning and restringing their guitar and we just got talking and spending a bit of time together at work.

Things escalated fairly quickly and we began an affair. Fairly innocent (as far as affairs go anyway) at first but soon escalated and got full on, meeting on rostered days off at each other’s house, meeting in parks after dark, ducking off from work occasionally, she even came to an out of town gig and spent the night in my motel room.

All seemed to be going fine, the whole ‘as long as our partners don’t find out no one gets hurt’ narrative was keeping us fairly deluded. Then one night she sent me a photo of her and her partner on holiday in Fiji that set me off a bit, I got incredibly drunk and forgot to lock my phone etc and my wife checked it while I was passed out. I lied a lot and nearly managed to cover my tracks and convince her it was an emotional affair nothing more. But the lies got bigger and bigger and soon enough the truth came out.
The lies continued as I said I’d stopped talking to her but I’d created secret email addresses to keep communicating and by last week I’d made plans to move out (wife and I had agreed to a trial separation already but that I’d move home at the end of it if everything had gone ok) and get together with her.
Again on Saturday my wife was digging through internet history and so forth, and the girl sent an email accidentally to my proper address which my wife has access to. She saw everything - almost every sordid detail was in there. At 1am she showed all this info to my sister and my mum. She messaged the girl and told her she knew everything. She tracked down her partner’s number and told him everything (the girl had kept things fairly quiet with her bloke and only given him scant information).

My wife told me I’d never see my kids again.
On Sunday morning on no sleep, I made a snap decision that I thought was the right one. I could see no way out of the mess I was in. I couldn’t stand the thought of not seeing my kids. I couldn’t stand the thought of not being able to look my parents and family in the eye knowing that they knew what sort of person I was.
I couldn’t stand the thought of my wife deliberately telling the girl’s children what their Mum had been up to just so she could make them hurt as much as my kids were.
I took a belt and tied it around my neck and tied the other to a beam in my shed.
Maybe subconsciously wanting to be talked out of it, or just wanting my wife to feel bad, I sent her a text asking her to tell my boys I love them and apologise to my fifth (yes fifth) grade soccer side for missing our preliminary final that morning.
A mutual friend of my wife and I tried calling me 3-4 times but I ignored it. As the belt got tight I started to realise what was going on and by this stage if I even so much as lost balance I’d have died. One of my best mates from footy rang at that point, my wife knew I’d answer if he rang. I did. He broke landspeed records to get to me. I broke down in tears and sat and cried on his shoulder for 20 minutes.
It was a feeling I can’t put into words - the bleakness and futility of existence in that situation is just off the charts.

Since then I’ve moved into a small unit, my wife has been incredibly helpful as she has realised that I do genuinely love this girl and although I DO love my wife, that old cliche of not being ‘in love’ is also a factor and she understands that. The other girl has been at work and that has made things tough. Her partner is a control freak and is tracking her car and phone and accessing all her email accounts etc. I wrote a letter hoping to give it to her in the car park during the week but she literally videoed me as evidence that I’d approached her. That hurt - to think that she considers me a danger of some sort. I’m battling but I’m not out to hurt anyone. Our brief exchange told me that she thinks all the details my wife passed on to her partner were things I told my wife. They weren’t. They were things she read when she discovered my email account.

I believe if she can find a way out of her current situation where she is effectively being held to ransom by her partner, we have a possible future. My wife has been amazingly supportive since Sunday and has apologised for being as vengeful as she was and has taken every step to help me set up at my new place, she watched me yell at the tv last night while the cats lost, bought the kids with her for a sleepover and has basically told me that after sunday’s episode she realised that though she still loves me and wants me as a husband, she loves me as a best friend and father of her kids too and having a relationship of that sort is better than no relationship at all, or me being 6 feet under.

This is the toughest situation I have ever been in over 35 years of life and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. It’s harder still knowing that it is all my doing. I am a person that likes to please everyone, and doing that while trying to find a place in life that makes me happy is incredibly hard and I don’t see an immediate end to it yet.

What I am glad about though is that I had mates to talk to about it and even having an online place like this makes things easier. If I had to bottle it up I think I really would just implode completely.
 

Ando727

Norm Smith Medallist
Dec 12, 2009
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Wow, that's quite a dramatic tale, Phat Boy. All I can say is try to keep yourself very stable in this time. Don't get drunk, get adequate sleep. Your emotions are likely to swing around a lot while you sort this drama out and your new life. Knowing the desperate state you got into once, it would be naive to assume that couldn't happen again so it's really important that you stay on the straight and narrow for a while. I'd recommend you find a professional counsellor too - anytime somebody gets desperate enough to end their life really demands some therapy. Try not to pin too many hopes on the new girl - once people pathologise you (whether it's through misunderstandings or not) and consider you dangerous or unstable, they rarely re-evaluate that opinion. There is probably nothing you can do to turn her around now, plus she's embroiled in her own huge life drama now too, so her focus is not going to be on you, especially if she's using your unreasonable behaviour to build empathy with her husband (yes people actually do that: "we have a common enemy now"). Good luck with getting through it.
 

PhatBoy

Brownlow Medallist
May 5, 2016
19,557
20,204
AFL Club
Geelong
Wow, that's quite a dramatic tale, Phat Boy. All I can say is try to keep yourself very stable in this time. Don't get drunk, get adequate sleep. Your emotions are likely to swing around a lot while you sort this drama out and your new life. Knowing the desperate state you got into once, it would be naive to assume that couldn't happen again so it's really important that you stay on the straight and narrow for a while. I'd recommend you find a professional counsellor too - anytime somebody gets desperate enough to end their life really demands some therapy. Try not to pin too many hopes on the new girl - once people pathologise you (whether it's through misunderstandings or not) and consider you dangerous or unstable, they rarely re-evaluate that opinion. There is probably nothing you can do to turn her around now, plus she's embroiled in her own huge life drama now too, so her focus is not going to be on you, especially if she's using your unreasonable behaviour to build empathy with her husband (yes people actually do that: "we have a common enemy now"). Good luck with getting through it.
Thanks heaps mate 👌
 

Aeglos

Premiership Player
Sep 27, 2016
3,272
2,464
Croydon station
AFL Club
Essendon
Other Teams
Riverpigs
Has anyone ever called one of these help line numbers and if so what was the experience like? Did it help any? Always figured it was a waste of time.
Generally heard mixed reviews about them.
It’s also worth noting that many aren’t equipped to deal with crisis situations eg if you call the Beyond Blue line and say you’re about to commit suicide they’ll give you the number for one of the suicide lines where staff are actually trained to talk down someone out of suicide.
Sounds bad but I’d imagine there are legal and ethical issues with someone who is basically just working a phone line trying to play the part of a counsellor/psych, just as I’m sure I’d get in trouble if I tried treating someone’s cancer as a myo/physio.
 

mxett

Brownlow Medallist
Jul 1, 2007
24,156
9,838
Melbourne
AFL Club
Essendon
Wow, that's quite a dramatic tale, Phat Boy. All I can say is try to keep yourself very stable in this time. Don't get drunk, get adequate sleep. Your emotions are likely to swing around a lot while you sort this drama out and your new life. Knowing the desperate state you got into once, it would be naive to assume that couldn't happen again so it's really important that you stay on the straight and narrow for a while. I'd recommend you find a professional counsellor too - anytime somebody gets desperate enough to end their life really demands some therapy. Try not to pin too many hopes on the new girl - once people pathologise you (whether it's through misunderstandings or not) and consider you dangerous or unstable, they rarely re-evaluate that opinion. There is probably nothing you can do to turn her around now, plus she's embroiled in her own huge life drama now too, so her focus is not going to be on you, especially if she's using your unreasonable behaviour to build empathy with her husband (yes people actually do that: "we have a common enemy now"). Good luck with getting through it.
that is great advice Ando :thumbsu:
 

The_Wookie

Queenslander
Jul 2, 2010
33,074
30,807
Launceston
AFL Club
Carlton
Mods plz delete it this is too personal.
Mate, its for posts like this that this thread was created. We're all here, many of us have been through, or are going through, the same things.

I say this for everyone posting in this thread. This is a safe space. I watch it like a hawk, as do other mods, and penalties for trolling and ridicule are severe.
 

Nugett

Premiership Player
Apr 2, 2017
4,371
4,994
AFL Club
Hawthorn
It’s been a while since I been here. Cheers to Ando, Mxtett, The Wookie, John Who, Glacier and many others for your help, guidance, thoughts, sharing ect over the past 2 years.

When I first came on this thread, I was in a bad place, I was in a job that I absolutely hated, had no friends, living in the past with my shitty upbringing, trying to overcome the grief of the death of my grandparents, in a shitty relationship, where I was taken for granted. Among other issues.

A lot has changed for me in the past 2 years, while I still have had my downs, mainly unstable employment, shitty relationships! (Still) they haven’t been as bad as they once seemed. Some of the changes I made, have been a new location, joining CrossFit, playing masters AFL, going bush walking, joining social clubs and putting myself out there to meet new people and make new friends. While I still probably drink too much, it’s a small thing to where I was.

I’m slowly starting to acknowledge my emotions, but still find it difficult to express them.

I’m here tonight to both say thanks for the help and guidance. I’m also here because I’m indecisive. I’m currently looking/thinking of doing a paramedics course, as I look into a new career for myself. It involves a lot of study, and at my age I’m not too sure, I want to commit to 2 years.
 

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