Preview Preview v Crows

[Deestroy]

AFL Premiership Round 13
Adelaide V Melbourne

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Sunday Jun 27
AAMI Stadium 2:40 PM (Local Time) 3:10 PM (EST Time)
Adelaide Forecast Adelaide Radar


Ladder:

Season Win/Loss

​

The Melbourne Perspective:

“Biff, I am tired of your meandering slop,” Deestroy thundered. “Start writing about football for a change!”

I hung my head in shame. “What do you want me to do?” I replied sheepishly.

“Get your arse onto a plane. I’ve lined up an interview with that nutter who coaches the Crowbots – whatever his name is! You know: the guy with the yellow teeth. Here’s the ticket. Move it!”

Two hours later, I landed at the West Horsham aerodrome. I was pretty much the only guy on the late-night flight. As I strode through the terminal, I noticed that the departure lounge was as full as the arrival lounge had been empty. I wandered over to the car rentals.

“Mate, I need some wheels for a day.”

“No worries,” was the rep’s response. “What do you want? We have VB, VC, VH or VK Commodores; refurbished Chrysler Sigmas or a range of Ford Falcons starting from XD to the luxurious EB Series II.”

“Is West Horsham full of the cars that God forgot?” I demanded hotly. “Surely you must have a car that is less than twenty years old?”

“Listen fella,” he whispered conspiratorially, “You’ve gotta blend in – trust me on this one! I’m a Victorian too. I’m from Moe. I got nabbed with some stolen goods so the judge gave me a choice: five years in the slammer with Bobo & Bubba, or relocate to West Horsham. Gees, what a dumb-arse I was! Give me the bottom-bunk any time!”

Ten minutes later, I was behind the wheel of a VK Copper Rocket and barrelling towards Westlakes. Midnight was nigh. Most of the street-lights were not working. Caravan-parks lined the route. Just short of my destination, I was stopped by a red-light. The intersection was the haunt of those ‘windscreen-cleaners’ who – if you ask me - are serial pests . Two of them quickly scurried over like trapdoor spiders.

“Yeah mate give me a tenner and I’ll clean yer windscreen!”

I rolled down my window to tell him to piss off – but before I could utter a word, I realised his identity: it was Andrew Jarman, looking much the worse for wear. Graham Cornes materialised on the other side of the car and snapped off the antenna.

“Give me a tenner!” Slaphead screeched. “Or you ain’t going nowhere!”

Whatever one might say about VK Copper Rockets, they ain’t shy beasts. Soon, the two Croweaters were sucking on the fumes of my exhaust. Ten minutes later, I drove into Westlakes. Surely my ordeal was drawing to a close – or so I thought.

The Crowbots’ training facility was devoid of life. I knocked on the front door. No one answered. It was unlocked. Holding my breath I walked in. Most of the lights would not work, leaving both me and the building itself in a state of gloom. Ten metres in, I said to myself:

“Someone’s playing an organ. What’s going on? I know that piece.”

It was Bach’s Toccata and Fugue in D Minor. I walked towards the source. As it became louder, I could hear the cackle of laughter: unrestrained, maniacal and feverish. I came to an inner door and swung it open. A vast auditorium lay before. In one of the corners was a curtain. The music came to an end. Then an amplified, stentorian voice rang out.

“The Great and Powerful Professor knows why you have come! Step forward!”

Enough of this Wizard of Oz shit, I said to myself. I strode over to the curtain and brusquely pulled it to one side. There, sitting beside an organ, was the diminutive coach of the West Horsham Crowbots –what’s his name. He reached for a glass of water that was beside the organ and popped something into his mouth.

“Biff so you are here at last,” he gargled. “You can call me the Professor. Want a coffee? We’ve got some of the best in Adelaide.”

He led me into a side room and switched on the lights. He boiled up the water, using the effluence from the tap. I used the keys of my VK to open up a tin of International Roast. I took one look at the end-product and said to myself: nah! Not wanting to dawdle, we took a seat and I got straight down to business.

“Prof,” I opened, “Much of the football world is quizzical that (a) you are still in a job (b) why the Crowbots play such a boring, defensive football. You make Paul Roos and Ross Lyon look like adrenaline-junkies!”

“Let me tell you about my theories,” he nattered. “It is all about defence. Defence is about repulsion which is about the dissipation of momentum. When a stoppable force meets an unmovable object, guess who wins? Wear them out. Soak up their energies. Frustrate the hell out of them. “

“Are you talking about the crowd or the opposing team?” I demanded. For the next ten minutes he rabbited on about his various theories. References were made to the great defensive battles of Cannae and Kursk.

“Yeah, whatever. Now, how do you see the match against the Dees playing out?” I rasped, looking at my watch.

The Professor reached for a remote-control. A huge chessboard flashed up on a nearby plasma. “Dees are Black, Crowbots are White. This is the fifteenth move. ”

I looked up with interest. While Black was clearly in attack-mode, the White pieces had not moved from their starting position with the exception of one pawn, which had moved out by one space.

“Hang on: you said this was the fifteenth move. How is this possible? White is still in the starting gate.”

The Professor grinned.

“This simulation follows the laws of chess - absolutely. Think about it.” *

All I was thinking about was the departure-lounge back at the West Horsham aerodrome.

“Much of the football world,” I belted out, “was fearful of the Crows last September. Thankfully you crashed out – as is your wont – in the minor finals. It now appears that there are deep flaws with your geriatric playing-list. Nor do you have a single superstar to your name (not that we have either – yet). Where does the buck stop?”

“This is Everest,” he twittered as the giant mountain appeared on the plasma. “No-one has ever scaled the South Face to reach the summit. Likewise, no one has ever won the Premiership from 6th, 7th or 8th place on the ladder. I am going to be the first. I am not interested finishing any higher. It is the minor finals for me, thank you very much. The Professor knows best!”

He burst into laughter again and scooted over to the organ to play another lugubrious piece. Impatient at last, I pulled him off the stool and poured the glass of water over his head.

“FFS, tell me what the margin is going to be on the weekend?” I shrieked. Yapping to himself, the Professor pushed another button on his remote control. A panel slide open and a super-computer-emerged from the niche.

“Biff, meet Deep Brain the computer. He’s an exact replica of me in every way. Good evening, Deep Brain.”

“Good evening, O Great and Mighty Professor!” the electronic voice murmured. It too, then cackled like a madman.

What’s-his-name darted over and punched various logarithms into the keyboard.

“Dees by two point!” the computer uttered at last. “I have the utmost enthusiasm for the mission, O Great and Mighty Professor!”

That was all I needed. Under the circumstances, a goodbye was not warranted. I darted out of the hall and leapt into the VK. Not twenty minutes later, I was standing in the departure lounge of the aerodrome. Had I done enough to keep Deestroy happy? It was hard to say. Shortly before boarding, I realised it was a Number 2 time.

But then I thought to myself – nah, let’s wait until I get back to Melbourne.

Even a **** deserves a better fate than to be left behind in West Horsham.

Biffinator

* How is this possible?

 

[Gazza_11]

I started smiling from the second line, and you will receive the dental bill from my lawyers soon.

 

[stretcharmstrong]

Aahaha, that was brilliant! My favorite part:

"What’s-his-name darted over and punched various logarithms into the keyboard"

 

[Deefolt]

its possible by the knight moving up and down , but another great addition biff

 

[Captain Jack]

Even a **** deserves a better fate than to be left behind in West Horsham.

YES

i lol'd

Well played, Sir.

 

[Biffinator]

its possible by the knight moving up and down , but another great addition biff

Deefolt - well done. Yes, that is the answer.

Does anyone remember our last victory at AAMI? Was that when Schwarter did that amazing tap to Leoncelli?

 

[Devastating Boris]

2001 - Leoncelli kicked the winner very late in the game. I actually dont remember it but i heard some commentators talking about it.

 

[Crimson Azure]

Deefolt - well done. Yes, that is the answer.

Does anyone remember our last victory at AAMI? Was that when Schwarter did that amazing tap to Leoncelli?

I remember it, it was a great win.

 

[Go-Ricky15]

On a boring note, * is possible - Rook can simply move out and back to his original position each time without anything else having to move.

'Ol what's his face' was a bit more adventurous that you gave him credit for, he chose to move a pawn as well.

 

[Go-Ricky15]

its possible by the knight moving up and down , but another great addition biff

Damn it!!! -didn't see your post........

 

[RandB]

"While Black was clearly in attack-mode, the White pieces had not moved from their starting position with the exception of one pawn, which had moved out by one space."

This is an apt paradox which sums up our forward setup quite well atm.

 

[Dez!]

Final team.

B: Clint Bartram, Matthew Warnock, James Frawley
HB: Col Garland, Jared Rivers, Jack Grimes
C: Brad Green, Jack Trengove, Cameron Bruce
HF: Cale Morton, Matthew Bate, Tom Scully
F: Neville Jetta, Brad Miller, Aaron Davey
FOLL: Mark Jamar, Brent Moloney, Nathan Jones
I/C: Joel Macdonald, Jordie McKenzie, Jack Watts, Lynden Dunn
Emg: Jamie Bennell, Kyle Cheney, Jake Spencer

Thank God, no Spencer and I'm actually glad Cheney hasn't been given a gig because I don't see what role he could possibly play, he's too small for the bigger forwards and not quick enough to go with the small forwards plus his unaccountability.

 

[KickLongTackleHard]

Quality Biff. Andrew Jarman
haha.

 

[Demon Revival]

Keep up the good work Biff... Any chance of going down memory lane with some of the players from the 70's or 80's ???

 

[Brenton Davy]

Nicely done Biff.

 

[Andy_Mac]

If we beat the team sitting in second last and we move to 10th on the ladder.

This season still has life for us.

 

[d33my]

I just don't want to finish bottom four.

 

[Gazza_11]

Give us some credit, three tight as games! And chances we let away against North and Carlton, just terrible against West Coast.

I'm more about not finishing bottom 6.

 

[Captain Jack]

I just don't want to finish bottom four.

My wallet wants us to avoid the bottom 4