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[Deestroy]

AFL Premiership Round 19
Melbourne V Richmond

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Sunday Aug 8
MCG 2:10 PM (Local Time)
Melbourne Forecast Melbourne Radar


Ladder:

Season Win/Loss

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The Melbourne Perspective:

Originally Posted by [NAME]Biffinator[/NAME]
PLEASE NOTE: THIS INTERVIEW IS COMPLETELY FICTITIOUS:

“Interview me!!!! Interview me!!!!!” Richo shrieked into the mobile one last time. I could hear him stamping his feet in the background.

“Sod off, Richo Man,” I replied back briskly and terminated the call.

“Do you think that was wise?” Wona33 asked, putting down his coffee (we were sitting in Smith Street outside Melissa’s). “Previews on other forums are getting over 1000 hits. You’re lucky if you receive half as many. Richo would be great fun.”

I shook my head. “Nah, I just don’t want to go there. Besides, I have a much bigger target in mind.”

“Bigger than Richo? Bollocks!”

“How does the ‘Saviour of the Melbourne Football Club’ sound?”

Wonna grinned. “Sanchez!”

“Got it in one” I replied. “Yep, this week we’re gonna nail Jordie McMahon. I’ll need your help. He’s gun-shy in the extreme.”

Wonna nodded. We jumped in the car and drove towards Brighton.

“Jordy’s an inspired choice,” Wonna said as he stared out the window, “but from what I hear, he’s harder to track down than a Tasmanian Tiger. Maybe his ex-partner is on the warpath again. On last reports, he was playing for the Coburg Fifths. Now, not even Hardwick knows where he is. He’s gone to ground.”

“Perhaps it’s from professional jealousy,” I responded, “but Sam Newman keeps a firm eye on all the pool-cleaners in his area. He rang me last week. A new guy has shown up: Raoul. He’s quite a hit with the ladies and he looks like a dead-ringer for McMahon. He’s our man.”

The traffic was heavier than expected. Soon, we were stuck on Punt Road, opposite the famous oval.

“Biff, I have often heard you say that there is a streak of self-loathing in every Richmond supporter,” Wonna stated, “that’s why they turn on each other as often as they do. Why is it so?”

“Good question. Firstly, it is undeniably true. Richmond supporters love to vent their wider frustrations by taking it out on their hapless club. Perhaps small things amuse small minds, but one of life’s simple joys is to listen to talkback radio after the Tigers have copped it up the arse. You know: I actually rang up myself once and pretended to be a Richmond supporter. I gave Greg Miller and Wallace the double barrel treatment and let out a screech at the end. Guess what: no-one batted an eyelid; it was all par for the course. Such fun should be taxable. And hey, would you want to work in the mail-room at Punt Road? Imagine how many ‘Mars Bars’ come their way after a pumping. They should hook up Punt Road to the Werribee Shit-Farm grid. The Giesch was never the same after he opened such a package. The Horror, the Horror!”

“You haven’t answered the question, Biff!” True enough, I admitted to myself.

“The Ancient Greeks had a saying: ‘the gods destroy those who smile too much.’ All that success back in the late Sixties and the Seventies made them insolent, and such a display never goes unpunished. After 1964, we copped it for our hubris. Richmond was meted out the same punishment and there is no end in sight. One day, Hawthorn will be in the same boat – just wait until their fifty year streak of good luck comes to an end; their supporters will be as virulent as the worst of the Richmond ferals. By the way, if you want to gain some insight as to how degraded human beings can be, just sit near the Richmond Grog Squad. ‘I too, have walked among the lowest of the dead.’”

Soon we were parked outside a mansion that was one block away from the Bay. I handed a net to Wonna.

“You go around this side – I’ll take the other. Hide in the bushes or whatever. If Jordie comes your way, bag him. We’ll apologise later.”

We split up. The gate on my side was unlocked. Fernery was everywhere. I turned the corner and came to a massive pool. A man with an olive complexion and a weedy moustache was running a strainer over the surface of the water. He was bedecked with gold chains and pendants. His red budgie-smugglers would have done Tony Abbott proud.

“How you’re goin’, mate?” I boomed, closing the distance between us.

The pool-cleaner stared at me.

“Who are you?” he demanded in a heavily-accented voice. “What do you want?”

“I’m Biff from the Demons Forum. Is this Jordie McMahon’s house? You know, the famous Richmond Footballer? I’m here for an interview.”

The pool-cleaner cleared his throat.

“I am Raoul. I am from Honduras. No footballer lives here. Only old woman. Very demanding.”

By now I was standing no more than two meters away. Raoul was sweating profusely. The facial muscles below his left eye began to twitch.

“Are you sure about that?” I demanded, taking another step closer. “Gees, you look like the bugger!”

Raoul shook his head vigorously. He replied back in pigeon-Spanish.

I drew a breath. “Mate, you haven’t heard from Terry Wallace, have you?”

“No, stuff him,” ‘Raoul’ snarled. “The bugger didn’t do me any favours and . . . . .”

A look of horror came over his face. Discarding the strainer, he leapt into the pool before I could stop him. All too soon, he was clambering out on the other side. I ran along the edge of the enormous pool; my quarry had a good start on me. “I just hope Wonna’s on the ball,” I murmured to myself as Jordie disappeared down the side of the house. There was a squeal. I turned the corner. There was our target all bundled up in the net like a Christmas present. With Wonna’s help, I dragged him back to the pool-area and we took a seat.

“Now Jordie, we are not going to hurt you,” I panted. “We’re big admirers of yours. We’re not from the Richmond Football Club or PuntRoadEnd.Com or even the Big Footy Richmond Board. Just answer some questions and we’ll let you go.”

Jordie was like a wild animal caught in a trap. Even after five minutes, there was not a slither of composure in his eyes. We offered him a drink to no avail.

“Make it quick, Biff,” Wonna warned. “We’re trespassers here – and I heard someone in the house before.”

I knelt down and looked Jordie in the face.

“I don’t understand why you’re career has gone southwards,” I observed softly. “You were such a stylish, sure-footed player at the Dogs. Jordie, what really happened? Tell us and we’ll tell the world!”

Jordie muttered to himself. None of his words were decipherable. He then clammed up and stared at the pavers below him.

“What was going through your head when you lined up to kick that goal after the siren?” I asked. A similar response was forthcoming.

“Did you realise what the consequences would be for both clubs if that kick went straight?”

With a shake of his head, Wonna tapped me on the arm.

“Biff, we’ll get nothing out of this guy. He’s too traumatised. The Richmond Grog squad have put a price on his head – a slab of VB – for whoever brings him in, dead or alive. We should go. He’s a write-off.”

A window above us opened.

“Raoul, can you come upstairs now!” some old bag croaked.

I nodded at Wonna. OK, it was time to piss off. Wonna loosed the net and Jordie shot out like a bullet. Two minutes later we were back in the car.

“Well, at least we tried,” I muttered. “I just hope Deestroy is not too pissed off with me again – and you as well!”

“Mate, don’t worry!” Wonna replied. “When we win by twenty points, all will be forgiven – and probably forgotten as well.”

Dees by 20 points, I thought to myself: yeah, we’ll run with that.

Biffinator.

 

[ShogunofOZ]

Absolute Gold Deestroy

 

[Tempy Tiger]

Another Wakely Award for you Biff, had me laughing out loud a couple of times. I loved the phone call pretending to be a tiges supporter and signing off with a screech, i'm still laughing. Jordie McMahon as a pool cleaner called Raoul is gold ;-)

 

[stretcharmstrong]

I also appreciated the creativity, wit and prose. Well done sir!

 

[Deefolt]

Nice job mate how you get the least looks (according to your your preview) amazes me, I have read others... not even close

 

[Deefolt]

Absolute Gold Deestroy

Slight correction, its Biffinator that writes these

 

[Flyswatter]

Another reference to Coppola's masterpiece, like it.

 

[Buddha117]

“Interview me!!!! Interview me!!!!!” Richo shrieked into the mobile one last time. I could hear him stamping his feet in the background.

hahaha fantastic!

Reminded me of this

[YOUTUBE]DodEQqJoGog[/YOUTUBE]

 

[Go the Biff]

Great work as always Biff. Only missing the phrase "I come to clean ze pool" Can't remember the movie I heard that in

 

[Demon 16]

Such fun should be taxable. And hey, would you want to work in the mail-room at Punt Road? Imagine how many ‘Mars Bars’ come their way after a pumping. They should hook up Punt Road to the Werribee Shit-Farm grid

Well done mate

 

[Kapital city TIGER]

several chuckles thanks Biffn

I wouldve snorted, but was put off by the silly dig at Richo.

Poor old Jordie, put in the wrong place (Tigerland backline) at the wrong time (bottom of a 30 yr ....slump)

think your club will sign him up for 1?
you owe him that much.

And we can let you have him for....

well for some Mars bars

Looking forward to Sun - even without match winning McMahon

 

[FOOOOTY]

loved it, and great work Deestroy on getting the previews done without needing to use the scroll bar. thumbsup

 

[W. Smithers]

Great work Biff, love reading these each week!

 

[Wonaeamirri33]

Brother, that was a beautiful thing... but I still think we should've brought the "Eternal Sunshine" machine with us on that trip so we could've simply extracted Jordie's memory of that experience, along with the full record of his thought processes at the time, and taken it home to scrutinise at our leisure.

That way we could've got the whole story and cured the poor bugger of his trauma at the same time

 

[SnowCool]

Jones and Morton cut from the team - http://www.afl.com.au/news/newsarticle/tabid/208/newsid/99838/default.aspx

 

[TigerTime88]

Interesting selection decision...

 

[Biffinator]

Interesting selection decision...

Watching the phenomenal game tonight, to me at least, indicates how far both Melbourne and Richmond are off the pace - in terms of sustained intensity.

 

[Wonaeamirri33]

Wish I could be watching that game mate - up here, the only match on free-to-air tonight is that cripple-fight at Subiaco...

 

[roostersgal4eva]

you think thats bad - try supporting one of them

Biff - both teams still got alot of improvement...I still think Melb will get up here and be a shot of the 8.

Personally I think Dean's 'we arent thinking finals' message is a masterstroke...keeping the pressure off young kids (who will get experiance into them he couldnt dream of so early in the peice)

 

[philthy987]

Late change
Moloney out
Jones in